telling people about miscarriage

[needhelp24121]

I was 8 weeks pregnant and I miscarried 7 weeks ago. It was my first pregnancy. My husband and I didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy yet. Should we tell people about the miscarriage even though they didn't know about the pregnancy?

[LAURENGRAINGER]

I agree with Elixis.  Tell your family so they can support you.  And when they notice how the other women are acting towards you, i doubt they will tolerate their behavior.  When i found out i was pregnant, i called my whole family within an hour.  I told all my friends and co-workers.  I never would have dreamed i'd miscarry, or i wouldn't have told everyone!  But i did get support from my family because they knew what had happened.  The day i went in for my first ultrasound and learned there was no heartbeat, my brother called me on the phone the second he found out the news and was absolutely bawling.  He just cried with me on the phone.  And i appreciated that he knew how devastated i was and was there to support me.  You need your family to understand what you've been through.  They will support you whether those other 2 women ever do or not.

[Elixis]

Have you spoken to the rest of the family members? I think it would help alot if you did. If they were aware of how you're feeling they could understand. You tried to tell her and she clearly has no remorse. But what about the other members? I'm sure it would be much easier on you if they knew how you felt. Don't be ashamed. You don't have to trash her or anything to them, but most people once they hear your reasons should be able to understand if they aren't like her! Open up to them if you can. It will make things easier.

You don't just GET OVER IT. People who expect you to clearly never have lost a child. Even now that i'm pregnant again, I heard a song that I was crying to the day i MC and it still makes me cry. That's a big reason behind my pain of not being able to chose the name I chose for my MC baby. It's hard. It doesn't go away. That love you feel even for a few weeks is enough to last forever.

Talk to the family. And honestly if they don't understand (God I hope they do) then skip out on the monthly events for now.

You need to talk to them. I really think it would help you.

[Moonflower09]

Thank you Lauren. I've wondered for months if I've done something wrong, but you are right, only a dreadful, selfabsorbed person would act this way. Last sunday at our monthly family lunch was horriable. She did not speak to me once and of course it was all about the baby. I walked out on the porch when I couldn't take it anymore and there she and the other girl were there in a "hushed" conversation that fell silent when they saw me. I don't know what they were talking about, but I can only imagine. So now not only do I have to deal with my heartache, but I feel completely shunned by them. It's really hard. I don't feel I did anything wrong, and actually tried to send her an email after her baby shower to explain what I was going through. I sent her a great article that put it together better than i could. It explained my feelings well and was written for someone who was pregnant with friends/family that had suffered from a mc. The only responce I got was "well, sorry you feel that way. Maybe some day we can be friends again."

I really don't know what to do and I'm trying to let it go but these family events are killing me. And as my husband puts it, I'm the one that had the mc, she has no right to treat me this way and to act like this is really bad. We lost a CHILD. it has nothing to do with being resentful. I am suffering a lot of pain.

You are 28. That is so young. I'm sorry for your loss but don't give up. I'll be 40 very soon. You can have babies well into your 30's. I understand how hard and painful the road is when month after month you're still not pg. I just wish this girl would see that and realize how important her and the other girl's support is to me right now. I don't want to be shunned. I am hurting. I would even like to have been still involved in their lives and it could have helped in my process of healing. But now I get lower class treatment and it deepens my pain. I cried myself to sleep Sunday night. Our baby would have been 2 months old. It was all I could think about as everyone was holding their infant.

[LAURENGRAINGER]

I just read the whole thread about your m/c experience.  You said something that i have often said over the past year.  That the first couple of months you were really hopeful and that you thought you would get pregnant soon and it really helped carry you through for a while.  I know how you feel.  I m/c in august 09 and have been trying to get pregnant again since oct 09.  I had a chemical pregnancy last month at the beginning of august, in which i only knew i was pregnant for about 5 days before the preg finally failed and my period came.  Now that i've been TTC for almost a year, i'm very frustrated.  I really thought after my miscarriage last year i would become pregnant in no time and be able to move on.  It's been a tough year of disappointment each month as i'd learn i hadn't conceived.  I'm 28 and have no children.  Miscarrying your 1st pregnancy is terrifying because then you constantly wonder if you will ever be able to carry a child.  I am 28 and am worried that i waited too long to TTC.  Guess we are in the same boat.  Also, last year my cousin who is the same age as me found out she was pregnant a week after me.  I miscarried at 9 weeks and she now has beautiful 6 month old daughter.  She isn't mean about it like your relative but it is still not easy looking at her child and thinking that my child should be here now too.  Best of luck on your TTC journey.  And to hell with that dreadful woman.  I doubt you can get through to her, she is way too self absorbed.  

[Elixis]

So sorry for your loss :(

When I got pregnant in December I told my close friends and my family.
We wern't sure how his family would feel about it so we held off. I also told my work collegues too.

I then MC in January and it was DEVESTATING. I got much support from my family and friends that knew. I do belive you should tell someone close to you. Someone other then your husband, as he could be grieving himself.

The hard part was that I told everyone at work. They were very supportive but it was really hard to break the news to everyone.

Then i found out a good friend of mine was pregnant and she hadnt known for 3 months. She was due the exact same time as my baby would have been. I was REALLY upset, not at her, but that I have to be happy for her knowing that I would have to follow her pregnancy knowing that I would have been in the same time as her. It was really hard to cope with. I was happy for her really. She's my friend and I wished the best for her. But you can't help but feel upset. Any magazine with a pregnant Celeb would make me sad. I felt more depressed then ever. I even took it out on him sometimes.

So then I got pregnant again in April, I was so scared of mc again so I didn't tell as many people. Just my parents and best friends. You need to share the news with someone. If it means just your husband then that's ok. In my case I knew telling the closest people was good cuz they are there for you in case something happens. Thats what good friends are for.
I'm sure had I not gotten pregnant so soon after I would be still really upset over my friends pregnancy, expecially around the due date. I can just imagine the feelings of those like Moonflower that has to live through it with a smile on her face (and on top of that a bitter cold person too ughh)

We waited for the 12 weeks to pass since they say there's less probability of mc after and right after getting the ultrasound and seeing all was fine we told his family. They were really excited.

I don't regret not telling them about the first time, in fact, they still don't know about it. We just wanted to make sure all was ok first in case they did react bad of the news. Luckly that wasn't the case.

Anyway. My sugesstion is tell those close to you. Wait on the others. Tell people that you know will support you no matter what happens.

I hope all works out for you in the end and wish you a healthy pregnancy next time!

[needhelp24121]

Thank you. It really means a lot to me that you and everyone on this site is so supportive.

I think I'm going to tell my parents soon. We were thinking about taking both of our parents out to dinner or something and tell them all together. I know both of my parents and his mom will be supportive, its his dad that will probably be a jerk about it.

You're right its really not easy to talk about at all. Sometimes when I even think about talking about it I break down.

I'm sorry you are going through this too. Don't worry, I don't think this is something we'll ever get over. With time, we will hurt less, but the pain will always be there. I wish you all the best as well. Hopefully in the near future we will have some good news to post.