family blowup

[mikeysmom1995]

Today while I was at work my dh and my oldest son (20)  had a big blowup fight. Since my dx May 2012, I haven't been able to keep up my normal pace around here so dh picks up most of the slack. Dh has a heavy work schedule on top of all the stuff here. My boys who are old enough to take on alot of what has to be done around here give us grief and attitude when asked to do anything. They both have health issues as well, spina bifida and Chiari malformation so we don't ask them to do too much, but a team approach to the house chores is all we ask to make it easier for all of us.
I feel like they have a lot of resentment towards me since my dx. I hate to say this but they are acting like spoiled brats. We didn't raise them this way, and we are so hurt that we can't count on them, and for how they are acting.
Sorry, I am ranting, but I just want to cry because I am so hurt. Dh was in tears when he picked me up from work because so much was said in the heat of the argument, and he feels bad.
Our 20 year old packed a bag and split.  What to do, what t o do? Any advice would b helpful.
Barb

[PastorDan]

Thank you for this update!  Let us know how else we might help!

[mikeysmom1995]

Thanks for all the wonderful advice. I have done so much here for so long that it is just expected that I continue. MS or not.  Our 20 year old seems much less mature than our now 18 year old.
You r right PD maybe it is time for some counselling intervention.
To all of you, forgive me for not answering back quickly as I am still trying to navigate the site.
Best regards, and many thanks, barb

[PastorDan]

As usual, I find myself in agreement with the advice given here by these wonderful ladies.  I'll add one thought: don't be afraid to ask for the assistance of a professional family counselor, if necessary.  Someone who can listen impartially while witnessing the family dynamics could be of great value to all of you.

[doublevision1]

I agree with Laura that in some respects a 20 year old is still a kid, in terms of maturity, yet at 20, there are adult responsibilities that I think one ought to have. I left home at 18 and moved back a couple of times for brief periods in my 20's. I paid rent AND had a fair share of household responsibilities. It never occurred to me that this was unreasonable because I always knew it was expected. I worked and paid my own way through seven years of post-secondary.  My friends thought that was harsh and that my family should do more for me. some were shocked that I paid rent to live at home. I think it was a major factor in my becoming self-sufficient at a young age. Doing too much and expecting too little I think robs the 'adult child' of realizing their potential in terms of self-sufficiency. In your situation there are extenuating circumstances due to the medical issues of your children, so of course expectations should be fair and reasonable without letting them off the hook in areas where they are completely capable. I agree it is a good idea to have a family meeting to hash out household responsibilities and clarify your reasonable expectations. If your plan requires a major shift in how work has typically divided, and this shift will require them to step up a lot more than they do now, expect some push back. That doesn't mean you're being unreasonable, so push right back and set out what you require and what will happen if they don't cooperate. And be prepared to stand by any conditions/ ultimatums you may choose to impose. It probably won't come easy, but that doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do.

[Lulu54]

Barb,
Please don't feel like you are the only ones facing this challenge with children.  I'm not sure where the attitudes come from, but yours isn't the first to have been raised right but still act the fool.  I can speak from experience that they do get over it.

Stand firm with your DH and let the boys know it is time for the change. If your husband did say something to the 20 y/o he regrets, there is nothing wrong in apologies said in the heat of the moment.  A family sit-down to review how your household needs to run is in order but after you all have time to settle down.

It's tough raising kids these days - and yes, a 20 year old is still a kid- his brain is still maturing.  Hang in there , Laura

[PastorDan]

We'll pray that the young man's eyes are opened soon, but gently.

[mikeysmom1995]

Ess,
thanks so much for your advice. Maybe if we start charging for services they will see how much their dad and I do.
As for the20 year old he is definitely in need of an attitude adjustment, and has been for some time.
Thanks again for lending an ear. It is so much appreciated.
Barb

[essdipity]

I'm so sorry for this, Barb. What a mess. Kids, and in particular older adolescents, think they know everything. It's amazing how much their parents have learned by the time they're in their mid-20s!

Of course you and your husband will handle this in the way that's best for you. But if I were you, I'd give them a reality check. Every 'service' costs money, so I'd chalk up each thing I do for them in terms of dollars and cents. Laundry? X dollars. Food? Same. And so on. Tell them they need to earn what has always been free. Although I don't know what was said between your older son and his father, I'm betting that when reality sets in he'll be back with his tail between his legs. At that time I wouldn't rub it in, but I'd expect a lasting attitude adjustment.

ess