Checking in with my friends here...am I crazy?

[michelleric]

Well, I am back if just for a moment. I started thinking about the last month of my life. It is overwhelming. Thought I would make a Time line of the last month.


April 3rd, woke up and couldn't move. Started a horrible relapse.
April 3rd afternoon, hubby laid off.
April 4, insurance terminated.
April 10, dx of RRMS with 100% certainty. (had been "possible" for about a year)
April 12, dad in hospital with blood clot. Heart still not working properly.
April 23, my mom died suddenly.
April 23 thru now = Family lost and broken. My parents were married just short of 55 years.

Too much awfulness in such a short time. My dad came home this past Tuesday from Rehab, heartbreaking. He is not doing well, and I am not sure he will be able to live alone. I feel this is all very surreal. Waiting to wake up from a dream, actually a nightmare. My leg is still really weak, trouble walking. and the other foot is starting with cramps and lots of pain. My double vision is gone now, which is a good thing. Thought I was having another relapse, but I think I am ok at the moment.

May 9, today. My oldest is being a Bar Mitzvah. We have lots of family in town and have been entertaining since Thursday. I cant sleep since my moms death, and I am "trying" to see all the good in today. It is my sons day, but really I am looking forward to everyone leaving on Monday and perhaps getting back to "normal". Whatever normal is I guess...

Thanks for listening,
Michelle

[rendean]

Sorry you're so worn out but it was to be expected. Glad the Bar Mitzvah went well. I am sorry the double vision is back. See it was the truth the other day ;-)

Extra prayers for you and your Dad tonight. May you both find peace and comfort along with some much needed rest.

Take care of Michelle! There ARE others who can help you. Use all your resources.

Hugs and prayers,
Ren

[michelleric]

Thanks SO much for all the wonderful support here. My company finally left yesterday, and I am exhausted to my bones. I still have having huge trouble sleeping. I am attempting to go back to work tomorrow, and hopefully that will work out.

The Bar Mitzvah was a success, although very bittersweet. I am typing with one eye closed, the double vision is back. My neuro office called to move up my appt from July. I am waiting for 3 MRIs to be done, but docs secretary is out of town for 2 weeks,and the one replacing her is so nasty.  I just decided to wait 2 weeks till she returns. The Cleveland clinic has a problem referring out for MRI, and wants it all done in house. However I will save at least 2 thousand dollars by going to a freestanding MRI center.

Just another annoyance, that I have no energy left to deal with  nasty people. But the neuro called to move my appt up today, and I told her what the situation was. She told me not to worry, she would take care of it tomorrow. That is good. I have nothing left in me to ":fight".  

My dad is not well, I am not well, mentally and physically and I just need some comfort and peace in my life.

I hope and pray that is attainable.

Gotta go, this vision is making me crazy, and I am loaded up on some meds to help bring sleep on. I need it bad.

Love,
Michelle

[Erin0313]

Michelle,

  Wow I have been here talking to you through this horrific last month or so but looking at the time line overwhelms even me and I am not living it!!!

I don't know if listing it made you feel better or worse but I am glad that you are reaching out and venting a bit. You have been through way too much to hold this in.

I am so glad that your vision is better. One great thing in the midst of many bad ones :)

You have great advice from the friends above. I don't think anyone recommended calling the doctor for a rx of sleeping pills. That's one more thing that I would do. If you are not sleeping (who could with your plate so full), then your body & brain are not getting the rest they need to continue to function. Sleep is when we heal. Even a weeks worth of good sleep could really help you feel stronger while you are awake.

Take care of yourself. I'll be thinking of you.

Hugs,
Erin :)

[Eyesnlegs]

We haven't met yet, but you are in my prayers too, off load whenever you need to.

(((hugs)))
Pat x

[Khiba]

You have had a bucket load of stress and loss recently!

Enjoy the Bar Mitzvah and come Monday, when you wake up, go outside where its quiet (if possible) and listen to the birds sing and watch flowers bloom, and clouds float by and soak up a little sunshine and remember the cup is still half FULL.

You are strong and with all that's going on being grateful each day for the little bitty good things can add up to a renewed perspective and help make the bad things a little less bad and overwhelming.

Getting some good sleep is important, so now matter what you need to do to sleep... well, just do it!

Hang in there and know we are here for you.

Happy Mother's Day.

{{{Hugs}}}

Jessica

[PastorDan]

As usual, the gang has given you all the best advice, and all that's left for me to say is "Ditto."  You and your family will remain in my prayers.

Shalom shalom.

[sllowe]

Always here for you, Michelle!

Sending some wishes that you do indeed receive some normal and much needed rest...

Thinking of you,
shell

[LLWB]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and that your Dad is not doing well. Watching your son's Bar Mitzvah should give you a wonderful sense of accomplishment and continuity. That's what life is, moments of incredible joy, and moments of incredible pain.

I too have endured lots of ups and downs in life. When I lost my husband to cancer is only a short 12 weeks from diagnosis, I was totally lost, and also thought I was losing my mind. Grief can be so overwhelming at times. The best thing I did was visit my PCP and get some help. He gave me a tranquilizer for the daytime, and also Ambien for sleep. It was the only way I could get some rest. Without sleep, our bodies become very disturbed, and bad feelings multiply. Please consider doing this. It doesn't mean you are "crazy" It just means you are human.

Much love and prayers
Maggie

[rendean]

I this Ess gave you excellent advice! It's exactly what I would try to do.  Take each day and moment at a time. Enjoy what you can out of each moment such as your son's Bar Mitzvah.

You aren't going crazy, you have just endured enough stress for the entire forum and you have survived each of these events.

As for the relatives...it's always good to see them and great when they leave. It's good to have your home to yourself. Have no guilt about wanting your own house back.

Just do what you can and the rest WILL fall into place. Like Ess said, the forum is here for support, use it.

I know Mothr's Day will be tough for you but your boys have one the toughest mothers ever. Try to enjoy tomorrow from your boys' prespective. Enjoy the fact that you are a great mom to those four boys!

{{{Hugs}}}

Ren

[essdipity]

Our thoughts are with you now. You've had enough stress for 100 people, and it's perfectly normal that you feel you're going batty.

Try to concentrate on just today, for your son. It's his very big day. Thne after people start leaving and all day tomorrow, just crash.

Try to make it your mantra that this is the beginning of a new part of your life, and it can be a happy one, despite all that's happened.

We're here for you.

ess

[Lulu54]

Michelle,
Your plate has really been stacked full - I'm glad you've come here to off load some of it as best as you can.  Talking about the weight and issues can be therapeutic.  I hope this has given you a momentary reprieve.

Come Monday, be prepared to still have those gaping holes in your life where your life was once normal.  It will get better, but you've had no time to adjust to any of the single events let along all these happening in such a short time frame.

wishing you the strength and grace to make it through this weekend's events and family gahterings with a smile on your face and a spring in your step.

Shalom,
Lu

[MCBCON]

How to deal with all this?  Basically it all *****.

For me all I can do is to watch my wife's chest rise and fall as she sleeps; love to listen as she breaths.  Enjoy the noise of my boys tussling with each other.  Sometimes, like today, there are drifting swirls of crabapple blossoms falling on our deck.  Thank god it is not snow.  These visions and thoughts somehow serve to make it easier for moments at a time.  As far as relatives in the house, not much I can say to help with that.

mazal tov
Michael