How do I protect myself emotional and financially in marriage trouble?

[Starryeyes2]

I Have read other posts about relationship trouble but my question is- What do you do when you're unable to work; bring in  any income, are waiting for the courts to decide on disability money and during arguments my spouse reminds me that HE makes all the money and I have nothing to say about paying bills.

He brings home the paycheck so I can't say anything. I feel like a prisoner then. I feel useless when he throws in my face the Fact that I don't work and don't help with money. It looks like he holds all the cards and I have no choices. It scares me and I never feel like I have much to say back. He does what he pleases financially and I have to get approval from the highest court,

Before this MS began I had a good job and used to work out kick boxing, had my own money and I was very qindependent. Now I feel useless and very dependent on my husbands income. It makes me so angry. He knows I won't do anything drastic because I need the income. I think he's very comfortable with knowing that I have this disease and have trouble walking so he can run off and do whatever he wants and I'll just have to deal with it.

I'm not sure what will happen. Anyone have advice on this situation for people with disabilities? It's much appreciated.
Sorry to spill on everyone. It's been a rough day. (sigh)

Kristi

[Sparkysarah]

Hi Kristi

Ok what I pick up from your questions is that you are looking for practical suggestions as to what you can do right now to help yourself emotionally and financially when you are having problems in your relationship.

I do not want to give advice about your marriage as I strongly feel that this is not what you are asking help for and I also feel unable to advise financialy. What I sense is that you are feeling isolated, trapped and dependent on your husband and that this has changed the dynamics of your relationship. Where you previously were financially independent, had your own job and confidence in yourself, your diagnosis of MS, has necessitated that you have had to stop work and your own sense of worth and self esteem has plummeted with your increasing isolation and loss of independence.

I think it is important to try and work out for yourself what you are most unhappy about and I can only encourage you to try and work at your relationship and to think back to the reasons that you fell in love with the man that you married.  I will say what I am known for plugging and that is that none of us can change anyone else, and that the only person you can change is yourself. I am not saying this to sound harsh but to just try and help you think and prioritise in your own mind what you want.  

It sounds as if at the moment you are feeling like things are spiralling out of control.  I am not sure what job you used to do, but is there something that you could do (possibly voluntarily) that would fill a gap in your life and help you to regain some confidence in the wonderful person you are.  Can you drive or are you trapped at home? Is there something that you could do working from home?  Do not give up hope.

Is there a new hobby or activity that you could take up to replace the kick boxing..what about riding? Alex is a great example of how this has given her so much pleasure. If riding is not for you what about something else. I expect that you are not wanting to take up a new hobby that you have to ask for money for your husband to fund but perhaps if you were able to talk and explain to him how you are feeling, he may realise that this could help you.  

Also try and surround yourself with positive people and if there is anyone who knows you well and who you can confide in, it is good to talk if you are unable to able to access counselling. I find that girlfriends are a great tonic.

Kristi I am not trying to brush over the obvious problems and serious cracks that you have mentioned in your relationship, but you do have choice in your life and at the moment as things stand the most positive way forward to me seems to see if there is anything that you can do to help yourself re-engage with life. Effective communication is essential in any relationship, feeling heard and listened to is very important and happiness is something that we find for ourself.

Not sure if I have said anything that will help and one of the problems about electronic communication is that we only see a small snapshot of each other's lives and so it is difficult for any of us to understand the whole picture.

Sending hugs and support

with love

Sarah x

[jujuminx]

Wow. The thing about life is that sooner or later we all end up in difficult situations.  And difficult situations bring out the best and worst in people.  I guess his true colors are coming out?

I was briefly married in my early 20's and good or bad situtations, he really was always the same person. I always had to watch my back with him.  So I suspect this MS dx didn't change the fact that your husband views marriage as a power struggle?

All you can do is take care of yourself. Do you have family you can turn to?  Close friends?  It's important to have options. While I totally agree with seeing an attorney, taking care of yourself emotionally while you are fighting this disease is just as important.

Only you can decide if your marriage is saveable or not.  If not, get the legal advice you can (you may be told to hang in there until you get disability approval). If it is savable, get into counseling.  Getting your family's support is important no matter which way this goes.

Julie

[mo0427]

You mentioned what you used to do, which is challenging. Esp being independent, to dependent isn't easy for anyone. But I wonder does he make you feel like a prisoner or is that how you feel personally.  Your under enough stress accepting the situation at hand. But don't get it twisted abuse is still wrong. So in your shoes I would try and talk it out. But if that doesn't help counseling is nice. But don't forget about you and your needs. Stressing will put you in a worse situation.

[supermum_ms]

Ok firstly HUGS!!

Things do sound rough and emotionally challenging on home front but before you talley up all the negatives of the relationship and start calling attorney's. I think you need to take a step back and ask the WHEN and WHY questions.

I had a friend once who told me her feelings of being controlled and trapped because she was stuck at home. Husband always saying no to things she felt they needed and it turned out he was stressed out of his mind trying to hold it all together, money was so tight he was juggling bills and she was unaware of how bad the finances really were.

Her asking for a new kitchen or handbag was enough for him to loose it and say horrid things he didn't really mean but he was feeling pressured and guilty for not having enough money to let her have what ever she felt she/they needed. Things totally changed once they sat down and their real financial situation was known, in fact it went better because she knew ways to save money where he didn't. I'm not saying this is the same thing, just saying do you know the big picture, the why?

I've been too open about my situation but if you'd like, please PM me and we'll chat :-)

HUGS........JJ

[doublevision1]

Wow, no wonder you've had a rough day.  I'm very sorry to hear how shabbily you're being treated by the one who should treat you better than anyone else in the whole world.  It's heartbreaking, really.  Now more than ever you need his support and you need him to step up to the plate and really honour his wedding vow:  uh, hello, remember the 'in sickness and in health' part, buddy?

It's tough to offer advice without fully knowing the dynamics of your relationship and your history with this man. However, based on what you are describing, this is absolutely abusive behaviour on his part.  The best advice I can offer is that you seek counseling; preferably, couples counselling, though given his behaviour I suspect he may not be interested.  If that's the case, go alone, to get support and to help you figure out how to move forward.  Feeling trapped and at another's mercy, financially speaking, is no way to live out the rest of your life.  You may need to make some very hard decisions and no one should have to do that alone.  

So second piece of advice, if you haven't already done so, is choose a trustworthy close friend, and confide in them; you need someone for support, one who will not judge and whose shoulder is available for a good cry when you need one.  

Lastly, consult an attorney.  This doesn't mean you should or will end up leaving him, but given the current state of affairs, you should know your rights and his obligations, just in case.  

Last piece of advice: don't tell him about the attorney.