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MS and codependency

Hi!

I have had MS for almost 18 years and am doing pretty well. I started therapy for depression because my fiancee just broke off our engagement during an attack (seriously in a text message and yes we are in our 40s) and started doing the 12 step program for co dependency. I realize now since my diagnosis I have been looking for a significant other to take care of me, provide insurance etc. I stopped driving 15 years ago and tried it again a few weeks ago-and can do it!!

I know now that I have to take care of myself more-but also be dependent on others as I do have a disease where I will need help. Has anyone had any issues with relationships and MS? Like trying to depend on others and making bad relationship choices thinking, well at least they want me and I have MS? Or self esteem problems?
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987762 tn?1331027953
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi and welcome to our little MS community,

Firstly let me just say........ what an a$$ to brake up via text, gutless comes to mind and a few other choice words not fit for polite company! Hugs

Admittedly i have a dependency issue, though its more that i rebel against being dependant, probably to my own detriment more than i'm likely to acknowledge. So If there were two sides to the dependency coin, i'd be on the other side b!tchin and moanin to let me do it my self.........hmmmm sort of like a toddler trying to do something they don't have the developmental control or skills to do. :D

Relationship wise, they say that disability or serious illness will make or brake a relationship, no matter how long they've been together. I really don't want this to make you uncomfortable but if you are dealing with self esteem issues and depression, you are more likely to get involved with someone not worthy of you because you won't be thinking very highly of your self.  When you start to see the real you again, you'll have higher expectations of what you need and want in a partner, if you still want one that is. Honestly, I don't think any relationship could survive, if the main reason someone is in it is self interest, which is the exact opposite of what I think makes a relationship work, and work well.  

I think trust is very important but it also needs to be earned, being selective of the people you let into your life, is always going to be in your best interest. To be independent requires a lot of trust in your selected group, because you need to know that they will be there for you, even without you asking for their help and yet truest them to cheer you on when you try even if your going to fail.

I am pleased you are trying to make changes, therapy will help a lot but i'm sure driving for the first time in 15 years, gave you a self esteem boost and a half, you go girl!

Hugs..........JJ  

  
Helpful - 0
751951 tn?1406632863
I will second JJ's sage advice in its' entirety, and I am trained in relationship counseling.

{So, you see that being a bobblehead who walks like a string puppet could be a sign of a qualified advisor, since we share all of that, rigjt? Nah, didn't really think so!}

Speak with your therapist about this issue; they might be able to help, but might also refer you to a specialist in these kinds of questions.

We pray that you find the best help available to you.
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751951 tn?1406632863
(Sorry, JJ, but that description fit me so well that I can't get it out of my head!)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you both,

The scary thing with this man is I never saw his behavior of the last 5 weeks of the relationship coming, nor did anyone else. I started the attack, he became distant, cold and rude. It was like a mask of no empathy. He pushed me to work, wouldn't clean or help. A total void of human emotion. He obviously knew I had MS as I had told him, but he wouldn't buy food for me at the house, got mad if I ordered food, told me that people just didn't like their jobs, said it could just be menopause. Yes after a MRI showed two active lesions. I guess I am now gun shy because in a million years I would have never seen it. It makes me scared. He was pushing a wedding, me moving in all of it, while I was more like we need to take our time. A completely different person emerged that I nor my friends or family saw.

People have told me God was looking out for me so that I had an opportunity to see the true person come out before we were married. I agree, but try not to mourn the good times. I guess I was too nice in my co dependency or made allowances for me having MS that I may have missed something. Or maybe he was waiting until I moved in and married to show himself. Either way, scary. I had to stay there because I worked out of his house, was in an attack, didn't drive and was just kind of stuck there unless a friend or family member could get me. That propeled me to try to drive again. You think you know someone....

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751951 tn?1406632863
So, are you out and in a safe place, and are yiu recovering from the attack?
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987762 tn?1331027953
COMMUNITY LEADER
I've got to say that it doesn't matter what the catalyst, it brought home to you what your life with him was really going to be like and it was just in the nick of time. You got to see him and i mean really see him for what he was, it doesn't matter if his behaviour was brought on by fear, ignorance or narcissism, at the end of the day, he just wasn't worthy of you!

Do not ever let anyone turn you into their doormat, by all means evaluate your roll in this, but in the self discovery, please don't make the mistake of taking all the responsibility. He behaved as he chose and it had absolutely nothing to do with you! People don't behave like that if they are not truly like that inside, his behaviour both good or bad, isn't your responsibility........its his and his alone.

It maybe a good idea to consider, if you are really are experiencing co-dependency or the aftermath of an abusive relationship, some of what you've said makes me think he was able to manipulate you, possibly even more than you're recognising.Think about all the signs that were probably always there but you didn't have your eyes open to see, how much of your self esteem did he take away from you in the time you were together, because no one would do any of what he did to you, if they didn't have it in them selves to be selfish and abusive to another living being.

Hugs and some alternate food for thought...........JJ

  

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Yes I am at my parents house. I went to eye doctor on Friday and my vision is 20/20, depth perception perfect, field vision perfect. So I guess I am baseline!!! I cried- thank God!!

Yes I ignored signs. For instance once a friend of his mothers called him and said she couldn't get a hold of her. He was mad because he had a fantasy football meeting. He actually called and was glad she answered and then said well I mean I could have gone to meeting because if she was gone nothing I could do.  I pointed out that she could have also fell and needed assistance. Blank look. Never occurred to him and he didn't seem to worried.

God, I was blind. I am more than this disease and crumbs from people.  Maybe he ignited the warrior with in!!!
Helpful - 0
572651 tn?1530999357
I can only add my approval to what JJ and PD have already written.  I am thankful you saw his true side now and not later.  Stay in touch, Ok?
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Avatar universal
Will do!!
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667078 tn?1316000935
I had health issues when I met my husband. He will tell you I am very independent. I only ask him to help with something I can't do. I was not looking to get married when I met him. I had accepted that I might live single for my whole life. That has made for a good marriage for us. I was totally comfortable living alone.

I now have MS and stage 4 cancer. This week end we went camping. I helped with setting up and tearing down camp. He had to lift the heavier things but I carried the lighter stuff. He cooked and I did the dishes.

Communication and respect is key in our relationship. The MS and Cancer can't take center stage in our relationship. I have to ask him how he is doing with things.

Alex
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Avatar universal
I wonder if there is a relationship between MS and cancer, like the nerves are not able to signal cells not to grow or something. I have heard so many people w/ both, my husband has MS and had a rare tumor at a relatively young age.

Good luck to you.
Helpful - 0
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