Ruining relationships

[goodnesscyn]

I am a 47 yr old female.  I was diagnosed with MS 14 years ago.  I can screw up a dream and seem to be ruing all my relationships I have because of mt temperment, emotions, brain shot circuiting - overload!!  No one in my spere of incluence has NOT done any homework on MS,, MS and emotions, etc, even when I have given them the information!!  It is awful lonely out here, especially when you feel like No one cares.  Any Ideas????

[cainer]

HI  Yes its tough, even when they know- they dont get it-, its frustrating,and if you feel good for a few hours, wow they seem to expect -everything- from you, i think its cause their human,lol, i dont know i have been ready to bail a few times, just hang in there, i have found if i dont  mention ms, we are good, shouldnt be that way. had -bad arm pain, my muscle, i assumes ms, he goes maybe its something serious, instead of ms.!! ms isnt serious- lol  urgg  well had mri- its appaently ms.. duh!!  well you have a great day -for me too!!  hugs  tick

[supermum_ms]

I just responded to one of your other posts but I thought i should add that yes MS like many other conditions can play with your emotions but if your emotions or frustration is beyond your control, then it is always your responsibility to appologise, explain and get help to control and if possible illiminate the problem.

Sorry but i dont think there is ever an excuse, that might be controversial but i grew up with an emotionally out of control parent, her condition was not her choice but it was her choice to seek help or not, she chose not. She doesn't remember her out of control words or actions but my brother and I will never forget, we lived the worst of her condition because of her choices. I forgave her many moons ago, many kids can't get past that.

To be frank any condition can become a justifiable excuse for letting it all out, throwing the frustrations you have at the world, I dont see anything wrong with that but if your verbally bashing those around you, shaming and making others feel bad about themselves thats not the same and in my books thats not ok and can't ever be justified.My life is a living example to my family and friends of living the best life I can, just like yours is, life is made up of teachable moments and I will do everything possible to make sure i never make them understand what it feels like to be in my skin, I choose not to inflict my self in anyway that could hurt them.

Sure I screw up sometimes but i always appologise, give no excuse and i do believe they respect me more for my honesty, after all it is my condition not theirs and if i expect them to own their own behavior dont i first need to own mine!

Respectfully................JJ

[Sumanadevii]

I can feel the hurt, anger and frustration in your post.  This disease takes our energy and dreams tossing them aside.  We have to find a new me and that isn't any small task.  Worse is facing friends and family (coughs) that have no understanding of what MS has taken.  After all, we look the same and oh yes, they know someone with the disease that works full time, cares for their families, AND runs marathons.  Many have no clue that all MSers have their own stories and limitations.

Honest, the only way I can talk myself back into the world is by asking if I could give MS to another who would I choose?  My husband? My children?  My friends?  My sisters?  Answering that question is easy for me.  I will carry it.  For some reason it jolts me back into a world that has been turned upside down.

Maybe a good response to your post is to begin making new dreams.  For me things are so limited.  I haven't driven in eight years.  I can walk only short distances.  I had been an artist but my hands and arms are too weak.  My new dream is to ride a three wheel bike on a trail near our home.  It makes me sad that even that dream will be work for my husband.  He will have to first tote me to the car, load and unload the bike, strap my useless foot to the pedal...then finally freedom for me to have an hour before his work begins again.  This is the part of MS I HATE!!!!!

I guess we could go into a bunch of psycho babble about how it teaches us patience or it makes us humble.  Gerrr sorry to say I could have learned that lesson (and most do) without being taken to the ground.

MS just s ucks.  Period.  I think there is nothing wrong in voicing our disappointments to others.  If they are true friends and family they will listen and hear us.  I am not saying to dwell on it but dang it isn't easy!!  Don't ask me not to speak about me and my frustrations.  I am ME and not ashamed.  And just because I am speaking about myself doesn't mean I am not listening to others and supporting them,.   Relationships work both ways.....

[crwriter]

Ahhh - psychology.  I have been a consumate student of human nature all my life.  I can tell you what I am going through now.   Frustration.   I have quickly learned to assign that emotion to the circumstance to which it belongs.  In other words or just an example: My dexterity with a keyboard is diminishing.  I keep hitting capslock.  This is frustrating to me.  I am trying to be careful not to let my frustration bleed over into other circumstances.

I see this as probably being a constant circumstance for me.  I must learn to attribute my frustrations as described above.  I am experiencing some anger now.  Stuff like how could this not have been diagnosed before?  And I am trying to take notice of how I might parlay a sense of entitlement in terms of sympathy.  Do I deserve concessions because of this illness?  Sometimes perhaps...  Like those cool buggies in the grocery stores.

But emotional concessions do not come easy.  I suspect there will be some fear in terms of this disease - is it catchy?  And I want to be aware of not transferring any of my personal emotions to friends and family because I have struggled all my life to be a good person and might never get a "just" reward now.  But MS has nothing to do with whether or not I will be successful in terms of "just" rewards.  It's just another monkeywrench in the wheel of fate.

[HVAC]

The relationship thing is hard with the cognitive and emotional impairment and life stresses of MS. It is good you are asking the question.

I have had MS 46 years. I have had severe issues with it. I realized I had to work very hard on myself. Learning to overcome them. I have lots of friends and a great relationship with my husband but it takes a lot of work.

The first thing I say to myself every day is "It is not all About me" My husband and friends lives are just as important. I need to be a better listener. I need to think of their needs. Nothing makes people want to run more than a needy, self centered person.

I call my friends and ask how they are doing. I do what I can for my friends and husband. When my husband comes home I ask how his day was and turn off the TV or stop what I am doing to listen. When I ask favors I do not ask the same person that gets old and people avoid me. I do not expect things to be done immediately when I ask for them.

I have a friend who is in a wheel chair. She was a college professor over twenty years ago. She has no family but tons of people who help her or go by to see her. I noticed she does not talk about her pain all the time. She is fun to be around. She has to ask a lot from others but you want to help her. I went by and installed a thermostat for her the other day. I cook her food she can put in her freezer.

Also to have friends you have to be a friend and good marriages start with good friendships. I am known for dropping what I am doing for a friend whether that is in person or on the phone.

Also short is better. Short visits, short phone calls. Be respectful of other's time.

It has taken me years of self examination to look at and work on myself. I now know when I am being negative, needy, or hogging the conversation.

I believe negative thoughts breed negativity. I can be depressed as all get out but you would not know it. I smile and joke.

Worry, guilt, and resentment also kill a relationship. Our families do not need any of this from us on top of dealing with the disease. They have the disease for better or worse as much as we do. Push too hard and they can walk away. We can not.

I can't choose how I feel all the time but I can choose what I say. Saying nothing at all at times is my best bet.

Also our families need an outlet. My husband is a long distance cyclist. On Saturdays he is often out all day and that is okay he needs the release. I accept that because of that less chore get done.

My husband and I participated in a couples workshop the MS Society had in our area. It was opening up communication. My husband told me somethings I did not want to hear but they were true.

I am in counseling and will continue to work on myself. My negativity, my insecurity and dealing with this disease in a positive way.

Alex

[Sparkysarah]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I am also female and 47 (although only for another week!)
I am sure that there are many who will empathise with what you have said and if I am honest I don't talk enough with my hubbie about my MS as he just does not want to know. This is his problem, his denial and his inability to take on board what it is all about. I am lucky however that I have friends and family who support me and I love my husband very much and know that it will just take him time to come to terms with my diagnosis (from a year ago).

Enough about me as this is about you and what can you do?  Well it is hard to try and talk with people who do not want to listen but it is also about you feeling that you have a voice and are not being undermined or walked over.  I can only encourage you not to give up and to try and make yourself heard by owning what you say e.g. I feel hurt when you don't respond (instead of you make me feel....)

I am guessing from what you say that you have probably tried and have reached a point when you feel you can't be bothered but perhaps they feel like "ignorance is bliss" and are just trying to shut it out as they are scared. It feels very hard for you when you were dx'd 14 years ago and about time that your circle of support started putting you first instead of themselves. It is incredibly hard dealing with the sx of MS as well as all the emotions and I wonder if you have considered seeking some external support from a counsellor? It often can help to express your feelings to someone who is outside the situation and can help you work through what you are experiencing. It may also also help to have some couple counselling as well?

Anyhow as others have indicated there are many great people on this forum, so please don't feel you have to be alone and isolated and if you feel like having a moan or need some support then just reach out and you will find someone who understands.

With best wishes

Sarah

[tiredaz]

Well, I care about what you are going through.  From my own experience, I can relate.  I sometimes feel that I've driven away a lot of my friends and relations over the years because of my lack of energy to work on relationships.  I can't seem to talk about my sx's with others which results in so many misunderstandings.  Loving relationships are a lot of work for "challenged" people like those with chronic illness, but, God knows, we need them.

Please don't despair.  Maybe using this forum for an outlet will help.  I believe it's helped me, so now that there are at least 2 of us, we can do this!  Hugs, Linda

[LisaJF]

Welcome to the forums goodnesscyn.

I'm sorry in regard to your diagnosis and I can see it has taken a toll on your interrelationships.  I am sure this is difficult for you to feel isolated and unable to share your health issues with someone who means a lot to you and hope you mean the same way as they do you.

We care -- that is why we are here.

I understand that MS can interfere with cognitive function and I will "assume" it can also interfere with emotions as well depending upon where the lesions are.  Sometimes people who enter a relationship want a fresh start and no emotional  baggage -- however, that is normally a fantasy or an expectation that is unrealistic.  Everyone has something.

There is always someone out there who would be that person who is compassionate, understanding, patient, empathetic to you and your disease that you deal with.  After all, it is you that the person will fall in love with and the disease just happens to be a secondary issue.  You dont go introducing yourself as "Hi, my name is MS.  How are you?" Right?  No....you don't.

I can empathize with your situation and I'm truly sorry that you feel so alone and isolated.  But "we" here at these forums are there for one another -- at any time.

Have you had psychotherapy?  If so, have you mentioned to them that you are having difficulty with relationships? Ask them to help you improve on your communication skills even during your unwanted emotional outbursts of anger or labile emotions.  Perhaps focusing on that will help improve your relationships and continue to see the psychotherapist in the duration of your relationship

To me, if the person is not accepting you and your disease, then they are not worth the effort.  Do not allow the failures of relationships determine who you are because they don't.  You are special and you have a lot to offer and there's no sales pitch needed to another person to acknowledge that fact.  Someday, someone will see through all of that and love you for you.

We are here for you.

Lisa