MS and marriage...

[Starryeyes2]

Hi everyone!
Hope everyone is doing well. I haven't been on for some time. I wanted to ask if this "situation" has happened to anyone else?
About 3 weeks ago my husband and I had a major fight. In my opinion, it was one of the worst fights in 15 yrs of marriage. It began with Facebook and a picture that my husband was "tagged" in with a girl sitting on his knee. This picture spreads to everyone on his friends list as well as mine, which makes me look like some poor dumb wife who doesn't know what her husband is doing behind her back...I think I was more upset than usual because of being dx with MS and now I am soo different. I can't work, I am waiting for an answer from my disability atty. (I guess it can take up to 18 months??)
I don't want him to think that I HAVE to stay because I have no income. This worries me beyond belief. I don't want to feel trapped somewhere. I soo wish I could work. I would feel useful, needed, independent.
After this fight, (there have been 3 consecutive arguments) I felt physically sick, my arms hurt, my body felt "jittery" inside.
I am now wondering if my husband can't deal with my disease. Would I understand if he wanted to have a life without limitations? I don't know how to deal with this stress. I feel like because I am not the same physically, I don't have the same options I would have had before MS.
Anyway, I am sorry to drop all this stuff on you guys. PS- We are in marriage counseling. This incident happened after we started counseling. I am not sure that its helping tho...(4 visits..)

Thanks,
Kristi

[Starryeyes2]

Thank you!  :-)

[jenniferk86]

hang in there.... its a really hard situation you are in... don't beat yourself up over it or even whether you are right or wrong on the subject. From what I have been reading, it seems like even a lot of our thoughts and emotions can be controlled by MS.... and its already a hard situation to deal with , without having MS.... Its a matter of trust.. and if there is something he has done to break your trust, then your reaction is completely natural and he should bear the consequences of such a breach of trust. If there are no trust issues there, then you probably are just getting used to the ideas of being dependent on someone else and the fear that is associated with that.  It is still hurtful when you see things like that, whether they were intentionally that way or not.  It does put doubt in our  minds, we dont want to be the fools that missed it... I am and I was... and it really affects me now.  My Husband cheated on me with 5 different women and I never knew it because I trusted him completely.  When I found out, I was suspicious of everything and I had a right to be, in fact I should have left him, but I have 2 kids and love him still... dont' know why sometimes but I do, so I gave him more chances... its a hard line to see whether you are being the jealous one or only the righteously curious one.  It could be very innocent, men call girls that they are not interested in nor ever have any intentions towards as hot or smoking to their guy friends... but it could be more than that... and that is just it... if we were all all knowing and all seeing... we would know and there wouldnt be any doubts... but we are not god, and chances are if he did all that for you and is going to counseling he is probably telling the truth and or if something happened that wasnt so innocent, he wants to forget about it and move on with you... thats just my opinion... Hopefully you are doing better tomorrow. :)

[Starryeyes2]

Its good to see others views of the situation. The picture, combined with this email urging his friend to hire the hottie, made me feel a sense of betrayal.

I know that I really need to take a closer look at why I feel so insecure. I was very self assured before but now I walk with a cane, I cant go out for drinks, no bowling, I used to be a cosmetologist, but I can't do haircuts bcuz of the dizziness.I think not being able to work is really getting me down. I would be happy getting anyrhing from SSI. Then I wouldn't feel like I'm not contributing.

Oh well, I guess at some point I will need to find a counselor for me and this disease.
Thanks everyone for jumping in.

Kristi

[Cre8_it]

Hi Kristi,

I understand all of the things you are feeling.  Sometimes it's hard to figure out if we should be angry at the person or if it's the stuff that comes along with ms that's playing a major role.  It's like when I trip over my son's toys, should I be really angry at him or the fact that I can't lift my foot to clear it?  I would say that it's usually a little of both.  The picture was innocent enough and he did take it down, but then with the text message I would have been angry too by that point.  I think you realized that some of your feelings were due to insecurity and some were not.  All in all, it sounds as though you handled it pretty well, and all of your suggestions in the latter part of your last post are good ones.

I'm hoping for the best for you!

HUGS

[Sparkysarah]

Hi Kristi

I was so pleased to see your name on the board again, but sad for you when I read your post and the tough time you are having. You have had some empathic understanding replies and I agree with JJ that it may be helpful for you to seek individual counselling as well, if you can afford it.  On a positive note- you are having counselling together so this is a sign that your husband wants things to improve. For change to happen, something needs to shift in the relationship..possibly on both sides. Your marriage of 21 years sounds worth fighting for so hang in there and we are all here for you whenever you need support.

With love and hugs

Sarah xx

[supermum_ms]

I am truely sorry your going through this!!

I really hope you understand what i'm about to say, just what i'd say , if you and I were sitting together over coffee or a glass of wine. I believe an outsiders perspective is often very different to the people actually dealing with an issue, usually because that perspective is devoid of the emotion. So as the outsider, from my perspective the situation actually seems different to the one you first described, less 'sordid' and more innocent, still dumb but still not an act with ill intent.

When I brake it down to what anyone should reasonably be held accountable for, I cant really find anything, except for him choosing to be at the bar and maybe also getting his picture taken, i'm having a bit of trouble seeing the situation from your perspective. What you've added, doesn't equate to anything he did that was improper or even 'sordid'. It sounds from what you've now written, that his intent towards this young girl, was then and still is innocent. Its very easy to look at a picture and make it into something more than it actually is. The tabloids do it every day, turn any picture into sordid or innocent, depending on the slant the tabloid wants to put on it.

Are you sure you are not letting your emotions get in the way of the facts? Could this one thing stem from your feelings of loss of control of your self, whats happening to you is not something you would choose or wish for but its happening regardless and you are feeling very vunerable and insecure? As I said i'm an outsider and my perspective is devoid of emotion, so I am seeing this differently to what you are but ask your self if it could be at all possible that you are reading more into this? Could you be unwittingly looking for reasons to justify your inner termoil?

If i'm overstepping please except my humble appologies, please know its all been said with good intent!

HUGS...................JJ
    

[Starryeyes2]

I just want to say Thank You so much for the input. I feel like its rather embarrassing to admit when there are marriage problems.

To Cre8_it: Here are the circumstances leading up to this picture...My husband and I were invited out to have a drink with his daughter. I don't drink and no bars or clubs because its hard for me to maneuver thru people and chairs etc..Long story short- this daughter hasn't had a relationship with him in her 27 yrs. He always felt bad about not seeing her so now that they have reconnected, he basically jumps whenever she says. I don't want to come between them.
Back in December, his daughter was out for a girls night where all of these 20-somethings are dressed up. The girl in the picture is a close friend of his daughters and she was really drunk. She stumbled backward and my husband put his arm out to stop her from falling. His niece was also there and she wanted a picture. Her sitting on his knee was right after she fell backward..He claims that he never considered anything with her ever, and thats why he didnt try to hide the pic. I don't know...He doesn't see things the way I do. There were several pics of him with his niece and daughter. This one upset me because she was on his knee in a small little dress. She's 24.
Thats not even the end of it...She was given my guy his cell # for help in getting a job. so now she's calling. I don't like to come off looking like the jealous wife, so I let it go. Then, I went on the computer to look for movie times and he had left his email up. I noticed her name on  a few so I read them. They were innocent enough..just asking about the status of the job thing. There also was an email to his friend who was putting thru her resume. My guy asked him about the status of the job and described this girl as "a little hottie" and began telling him how he had gotten in trouble with me over a picture and told him to check out his facebook and check her out on his friends list.
Well needless to say, I was absolutely hostile. I just about threw him out over that because I began questioning everything. I hate that I have a disease that will eventually require me to rely on others so much. I have always been very independent and felt that I had choices. Well, after this event, I feel that he holds all the cards, so to speak. I would gladly go on state help if need be. I have pride.
Since this, its been about 3 weeks, we have fought every weekend. Funny enough, our sessions are on Fridays..lol. Maybe I should request a different day..
He removed "this person' from Facebook as well as other people who shouldn't be there. I think he got scared over this. I made it very clear that I don't have to stick around just because I have this. I don't want pity..
I also suggested we get a Facebook together so there aren't any miscommunications. Its been a rough couple of weeks. I go to church, which helps me. I wouldn't want to leave but I would if i had to.
Anyway, sordid story, I know. I did explain to him that when I get really upset, my symptoms kick in big time. I can't walk, I have pain, and I am literally sick for days after. I told him that I can't be subjected to that kind of stress. Its bad for me. I am praying that this is a bump in the road.
Thanks again everyone for sharing your thoughts! I care about all of you soo much, it makes me feel so much better hearing from you!
Kristi

[sllowe]

Starryeyes! Nice to see you.

Absolutely ask him to tell the originator of the picture that she does NOT have his permission to post the pic. That removes not only the tag, but the actual picture. That's not an option, it's a necessity. Tell him your not going to get involved in anymore arguments over it, that he just do it.

Your still left w/the fact that he allowed the lap and she had no problem taking it. It's disrespectful and if the roles were switched he'd feel the same way.  

Your inners shaking is definitely something very familiar to me. Your adrenline, your emotions all riled up - oh my, I can only imagine how you must feel and our CNS just can't handle that overstimulation like that.

I'm glad you are in counseling, and I only pray this gets brought up. If not, I hope you can solve it privately. Marriage is a promise, one that includes challenges through the good and the bad. Don't feel bad for him because of your limitations. Tell him that mentally, you have to know he's on your team, because you certainly are on his.

I'm sorry you are going through this and I'm glad you came on for advice - only hope we can help you get through this.

Welcome back,
-Shell

[Cre8_it]

I commented once already, but I hesitated in commenting about the picture because I don't know what the circumstances were about the picture.  Have you been told about what happened, by someone who was there?  Was it intimate looking?  Was it one of his friends girlfriends joking around for the camera?  Is it someone he works with or a complete stranger?  Who took the picture and with whose camera?

I admit, I would be pissed off about it too if they looked a little too cozy and she was draped over him!  I don't want you to answer these questions if you don't want to.  If you told me that it was a serious thing, and you know how it happened, then I would feel better about commenting on that situation.

HUGS

[supermum_ms]

I dont think i'm jumping here, but from my reading the girl on knee thing wasn't innocent. What strikes me is that if it wasnt innocent, then why make such a public display, maybe it was a subconscious act of self indulgence and defiance. Sounds pretty odd thing to do if your in marriage counseling, personally i'd be immensely hurt and feeling quite vunerable.

I've not had your unpleasant experience but not long ago dh was overseas with a couple of the big bosses, both not long re-married with little ones at home. At the airport he was handed 'private expense' money, a lot of it and told to have a good time, no questions asked. They were in Singapore so he was thinking shopping, that wasn't what the money was for though, it was for 'private' bars and 'private' massages. About the 5th day of refusing the invitation to join them, he ended up going along to a 'private' bar they liked, he ended up sitting with a girl younger than our daughter, not much on and buying her drinks because that was the only thing he could think of to do. The experience actually upset him, to him they were kids that needed help not exploitation but he was in a bit of a pickle, neither boss could understand why he wasnt interested, they were having a great time 'partying' so he should of been too.

I would not have liked it one bit, mortally wounded if he had done anything more but I would of accepted it because its been many many years since we have been physical in that way. I'm not sure i'd accept getting it shoved in my face though, that is disrespectful of you and your feelings. All I can think of is if it wasn't innocent then why wasnt he descrete like most men on the planet are when they are doing the wrong thing with another women, it just seems odd to me.

I dont think its a good idea to express your feelings at each other, save it for your couples counselling sessions and i'd start seeing a counsellor alone as well so you can talk about everything thats pulling you down. I know your deeply hurt and its difficult to put into action but please try not to get into fighting about stuff, if you feel your getting upset, walk away until you are calm and incontrol. You will be heard more clearly when you are calm and more likely ignored when your emotions are showing.

Good luck and peace, with what ever YOU decide to do!

Hugs................JJ

[Lulu54]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are having both these problems and doubts.  For the Facebook picture - your husband can go in and remove (block)  the tag of him in the offensive picture.  He might not know that, but then again.......  

Allowing that picture to remain without comment understandablly  broadcasts a painful message to you.  Your marital problems sound like they began before this latest incidence and I really hope that the marital counseling will help you both find peace and happiness in your relationships.

I wish there was a magic wand for this situation.

hugs, Lulu

[Cre8_it]

Hi Kristi,

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this, Ms can certainly take it's toll on everyone around it.  I've been with my husband for 21 years and this past 10 months have been hard at times.  We have had a few fights as well, but it the end I think it just makes us understand the situation a little better.  And it's possible you may be arguing because of the feelings being brought to the surface at your counselling sessions!

I too have no income and have felt too dependent on him in that way.  I've wished that I was working again, and not stuck if things were to go downhill in our relationship.  I've really thought about this.  In my mind I think that I'm the one that is thinking these things, not him. And in my case, he knows the person that I am, and that if I had no choice,  I would go on social assistance.  That wouldn't be great living but living non the less.  A person has to do what they have to do to survive.  Don't worry about the money and being on your own if need be.

Don't let yourself get stuck in this way of thinking hun,  talk to him about your current situation.  Tell him that you feel a little insecure about the lack of income on you're part,  your life going forward with him, and if he could live a life with you in even the worst of possibilities.  If he doesn't respond, then you may have to be frank.  I had to flat out ask my husband how he would feel if I were in a wheelchair, he had to take on more responsibility with our son (he has an ASD) and had to pay an arm and a leg for my meds.  And sometimes that's way it has to be, straight and to the point! LOL

It's good that you're in counseling hopefully you can get some of this out there.  I don't want  you to suffer with these feelings, because in the end you're body will suffer.  I felt horrible for a week after a fight with my sister.  I've learned to get things out quickly, deal with it and move on, just so my body doesn't have to pay for it!

PS. I know you feel that you don't have the same options as you did before.  But there are many many ways of doing things if you're both willing to compromise a little.

HUGS