The Demon Within by Ada M

[spastic]

  I would like to share a poem I wrote when I was in a really dark place dealing with this when I thought I was all alone.

I'm your demon within.
The one who locks you in my
Own personal hell.
I'm the one who took your
Innocence and shattered it all.
I hear your pleas to me for
Ending this insanity but I
Choose to ignore your calls.
I dance in your head til
I hear your silent screams.
Even when you sleep,
I play horrifying, demented dreams.
Your mind screams for release,
And I keep doing as I please.
I dedicated my life to teasing,
Tormenting you shamelessly.
Now you say your going to end your life
To rid of me.
I tell you now, it won't be that easy.
I will follow you everywhere.
There is no where to run or hide
Because I control your mind.
I live in every part of your body,
Every nerve, vessel and cell.
But you will one day love this hell.
I promise you, my dear
That I will always be near.
I will never leave you,
This is a non-curable disease and
Your mine to do as I please.
Remember, I'm your demon within
And I have locked you in my hell.

On a lighter note, I'm still working on the theme song for the forum and "How and Where to Stalk Neuros" lol. I love you guys and appreciate the kindness and friendship I have found on this life-saving forum.

Wishing Everyone Well,

Spazie Ada

[CtResident]

Oh my goodness.

I had a bad day with my left leg yesterday. One of my worst. Not a need for meds, but reallllly uncomfortable. I feel like I can't walk straight. Kind of swinging the leg out and forward. I don't think it's noticeable, but I am acutely aware of the effort.

Was walking today, same leg issue as yesterday, not as pronounced yet, but hey, the day is young. As I was looking down, I made myself walk with toes pointed straight, the way I was taught at the Montgomery Ward Little Miss Sugar & Spice  fashion show back in 1970.

It was a concentrated effort for that one moment. Flash back kind of thing.

Then I read your line: "I used to walk fast and in straight lines "

.........and it really felt like I had written it.

One moment, one step at a time,
Suzanne

[MCBCON]

I needed to come home and think a bit before I could know what I wanted to say.

First of all your poem is well written.  But, I do not think that is what I feel a need to say.

It is dark as you say.  But, it speaks to a part of me that is finding trouble verbalizing right now.  So, I will meander through my thoughts and type as I go.

One thing it reminds is that I have to continue my description of MS that I started.  I need to continue and bring out what happens over time, when the disorder/disease starts becoming part of one's identity.  I know that for me it has begun to become part of my identity.  I am not sure how to think of myself now without MS.

I went through a couple years of extreme pain and somehow did not let others know I was in pain.  I finally told my wife because she started noticing there was something not right when I no longer enjoyed touching my legs.  Low and behold, with some proper medication the pain is now below a threshold where I can enjoy more things and be a little happier.

The demon, the disease, stealing my identity
Who am I, not the one I used be
I was just me
But we are not just me

I used to walk fast and in straight lines
Now we walk in saunters because
I cannot go anywhere quickly without you
Pulling me in other directions like from where I want to go


Well poetry when comes later, when my mind is morning mind.

By the way I loved your poem even though I can relate.

[cjacks]

woooow ,  glad you found the forum   :))  

Jo

[MCBCON]

you are being very silly; which is more thank okay to be

[doublevision1]

Hmmmm, a heavy metal album name, let me think about that.....

Honestly, when I read your words, it sounded like it could be a Metallica song.  People who don't know their music don't realize the amazing poetry of their songs.  Your words make me think of "Until It Sleeps," which was written by James Hetfield when his mother was dying of cancer.  A sample of those lyrics:

Where do I take this pain of mine?
I run but it stays right by my side
So tear me open, pour me out
There's things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me
So hold me, until it sleeps
Just like the curse, just like the stray
You feed it once and now it stays
So tell me why you've chosen me
Don't want your grip, don't want your greed
I'll tear me open make you gone
No more can you hurt anyone
And the fear still shakes me
So hold me, until it sleeps
It grips you
It stains you
It hates you
It holds you
So hold me
until it sleeps

Your poem and sentiments are of the same calibre, don't you think?

Rock on.................

db1

[spastic]

I know it's not your eloquent style. Thought it might raise a few eyebrows. lol When the depression hits, my head goes to some very, very dark places.  I'm sorry if I hit a sore spot.

[MCBCON]

Though I want to say something now;  I think it best if I stew on this a bit.

[spastic]

I love heavy metal! That would be wonderful! Wonder what we could call an album about the he** of MS?

[doublevision1]

Your poetry absolutely captures the essence of what this disease does to one's mind.  It IS dark, and therefore, honest.

My husband plays heavy metal guitar.  I'll bet he could come up with a dark melody for your words.  Perhaps you'd care to collaborate on an album.  :)

Thank you for sharing such personal thoughts.

db1