My soulmate has MS

[tigerland]

Hey guys...

I met this gorgeous girl last September 2009 and things were going really really well.  On about our second date whe told me she has ms (she's 38) but hasnt had anything progressive, only a relapse for about a 2 weeks early 2009.  In January 2010, her normal has changed, she now getting tired, and has tremors.

From the time we went out to January 2010 our relationship blossomed and I truly belived I met my soulmate.  In February 2010 she told me about the fact she has seen her doctor and realised it may be progressive.  She then told me that she could do this (the relationship) anymore because things had changed with her ms.  I noticed changed in her patience with me, and the tremors but just accepted it and supported her.  I knew things ahd changed.

I had done a fair bit of reading and research on ms and decided very early on that ms was not going to be the reason why our relationship was going to break.  Its ironic that she saw ms as the reason why our relationship was to break.  we talked about a future together and everything.  WE were going to fight this thing together,  I was going to support her if she needed it.

I miss her and all that she offers me.  I understand that it is not all about me, but she has pushed me away.  I just dont understand why she has done it.  She cannot explain it either.  I dont understand why she has chosen to do it alone and sees herself incapable of a relationship when she is this gorgeous human being that I truly love.

I am really trying to understand.

Thanks for your time

[tigerland]

Wow!  Thank you so much for your thoughts...

She told me it has always been her MO to deal with it alone, and this is going from a relapse to looking like secondary progressive... its her 'new normal'.  She is always working hard to put her game face on when she is not feeling right.

I understand the lay of the land has changed and I think that part of her thought process is outlined by Marissa.

I understand that she also is going through some signifiacnt life changing things (eg diet career) that she is doing to go it alone.

Supermum - i would love to be back in her orbit, she's pretty special :)

Once again thank you so much for your thoughts, I honestly just thought that our relationship and all that we had and talked about (including ms) was going to be bigger than the ms.

[sllowe]

Oh, My, Goodness!

SO not a good way to lose your soulmate!

Couple of questions for you (and if you mind, please say so). Within this short time period when you were getting to know her did you feel it was her usual MO (method of operation) to pull away when she had something to deal with? If so, this time may be the way she operates as a general rule. So, she'll handle the MS and your relationship in the same manner.

Do things embarrass her? i.e., she may want to hide away w/what she is experiencing w/the tremors and what she is going through for now.

If this is break up or pushing away is solely due to the MS I pray time brings you back together. Give her some breathing room to get use to what she is experiencing right now and see what happens from here.

Remember it's very difficult to adjust to limitations and changes as they come our way. But as time goes on, we find some coping mechanisms that get us by. I suspect she'll find some too.

Knowing you are there for her or just to listen to may be all you can offer right now.

Thankyou for trusting us enough to post your broken heart :(
Hope we can help you to understand and feel better,
Shell

[MarisaV]

I'm not diagnosed with anything, just been sick for the last year, and I can't possibly know what your girlfriend is thinking... but I can tell you what I was thinking in a similar situation.

Last year year my boyfriend asked me to marry him. My response was that I wanted to, but that we should wait another year or so.

I was sick, getting worse, didn't know what was wrong, and was expecting to loose my job (and I did).

I didn't want to burden him more than I already was. I didn't want to make him responsible for my Medical Bills (which marriage would do). I love him, and I wanted to make it easy for him to distance himself, leave and find someone better for him, should things get really bad.

So, I don't know what she was thinking... but maybe it was something along those lines.

I hope this helps some.

Mar

[michelleric]

She is lucky to have you.  You seem like a wonderfully supportive person, and patient as well.

She is probably pretty scared at the moment, and doesn't know what the future will hold. (I am speaking for myself only, and am speculating here).

Hopefully she has someone that she can speak to, and help her get through this time. I would just continue to let her know that you are there for her whenever she might be ready to talk.

We all need friends...

Michelle

[supermum_ms]

I can only speculate what she is going through, no one can really know because no one else is walking in her shoes but lets be honest here, new relationships are emotionally demanding as well as wonderful, they take time, energy, confidence and dedication, if they even have a chance to work.

She is heading towards 40 and for some women that alone is a freak out, she's not just got her wobbly bits slidding down to mother earth but with the dx of MS, she has no idea what tomorrow is going to bring, will she still be confortable in her own skin. There is a good chance she's not got anything emotional left to give and relationships are greedy.

Women in general are giving creatures, to love is to be selfless, to love is to be vunerable and open, great stuff really! The issue i see is the newness of the relationship, even long term (kids, mortgage, animals and 2 cars in the gararge and everything else that goes with long term) relationships get rocked off there foundation when either spouse is dx with any miserable disease, unfortunately you dont have the years of blood, sweat and tears to get your relationship through the rough times.

Sometimes i could tell my dh what i'm really thinking, i'm so not in the mood to be sympathetic and supportive, I really want to let out how i'm feeling but you know what, i know he does not want to hear it because he just cant fix this one, so i keep it to my self because i know he's already burdoned by loving me! Having said that though, there is no one on this planet that i trust more than him, we have 20 years together and we've been though more than our fare share, life is complicated and so are relationships but we have the glue.

If she is all you say she is, then you'll need to prove your loyalty and staying power, even if all you will get out of it is a lobsided relationship and the beauty of being in her orbit. Offer your unconditional friendship and understanding, if its there the trust will grow but you cant push her to give you what she may not have enough of to give.

Good luck!

JJ

[Ufrustrated2]

sorry to hear of your pain and experience with this...

i will only add, and i hope i'm not speaking too quick without thinking, but i understand her thinking but i cannot explain it. i'm a guy, and i have tried to explain it to myslef and others till i'm sick of trying to explain it, and yet, few understood it.

on my good days, i don't understand, on my off days/weeks, i fully understand

there are others on here that will do a much better job of helping you understand it than i can.