Aa
When feeling are hurt, what do you do about it?
Hey guys and dolls,
I thought i'd run this by you guys because i am confused about a situation and wondering if I should let it ride which is something I always do or say something knowing it might make things even worse. To explain.....
I picked up a winter bug (sore throat, stuffy nose, achy etc), not sure if i got it from being at the hospital everyday with mum, or if ds brought it home because he's been off too. Its been settling in for a couple of weeks, so that coupled with my itchy swollen face i'm feeling pretty crappy lol and thats not even mentioning the muscle spasms and sensory stuff thats ramped up with it all.
Anyway this weekend is a long weekend over here, and dh has started making sarcastic comments about me being conveniently sick so we wont get to go away. He thinks he's being funny but i've explained to him that it doesn't make me feel anything other than pressure to go regardless if i'm well enough to go or not. He doesnt say these sarcastic comments any other time, just when i'm not well and he's got something planned. In the past when i've made a comment in regard to sarcasm thats hurtful, he's fired up saying "sheesh you cant take a joke anymore" or something similar so i try to just let the sarcasm ride.
Today he phoned to check up if i was well yet, it was a repeat of the sacasm of yesterdays call and last nights comments and i thought i should tell him he was hurting my feelings, he thinks he's joking but to me sometimes sacasm just makes me feel like i am being picked on or bullied for something i have no control over. I didn't yell, winge or weep, i was calm and not hurting (yet) i just said "I think you should know how i feel when you make a sarcastic comment about me being convenienty sick......." naive me thought he'd say sorry i dont mean it like that, just something to acknowledge he'd hurt me and was sorry cause he was only joking, its what i'd do but he's not me is he.
I got nothing but cold distant silence, like a loooooong pause that feels weirdly uncomfortable, it was so long i thought maybe we'd disconnected so i asked if he was still there. His response was i can't talk now and more silence, which i thought meant he was busy and needed to go, so i said ok bye but he came back sounding annoyed with 'so i wont talk to you about why i'd called in the first place!' I was confused, even more confused after appologising to him because i thought he had to go and by the unimportant nature of what he did have time to talk about, it felt horrible and dismissive.
I mulled it over for a few hours and thought i'd email him about how odd it was, again telling him i was not critisizing him just asking for him to stop the sacasm because its not funny, it hurts and i need him to stop it. It wasn't a nausty email, wasn't anything negative and from my perspective I was simply telling him i wasn't annoyed and hanging up on him like he thought, he'd been silent for so long and said he couldn't talk and thats why i'd said ok bye. I ended it by jokingly saying if i didn't know you better that cold distancing silence could of been interpreted as a fk you i dont care if I hurt your feelings statement.
I didn't want him feeling p'd off all day for a communication breakdown if it could be avoided, i thought i was fixing it. So he doesn't respond, comes home over an hour later than usual, dosen't say two words of any meaning and it felt like he was avoiding speaking to me. It was so uncomfortable that i asked if he was giving me the cold shoulder, he said he was just tired (bullships) funny when he's tired he falls asleep on the couch and doesn't usually talk in one word responses, thats his pd off sign. Son goes to bed so its just the 2 of us and he states he's going to bed, no kiss, no hug, none of the usual, i start turning the tv down low and he says its ok i'm not going to sleep yet.
I seriously dont think i'm being sensitive, but i am starting to think he is putting pressure on me to go away, he has done exactly the same thing before and if i try to get him to see how mean he's coming across he gets really angry before he calms down. Go i might add is to our holiday set up, which is really wet and cold at this time of year and i've got the flu so being outside in the weather isnt on anyones list of top 10 things you should do if you want to get better. lol
One half of me wants to tell him what a right royal 'B' he's being and the other half knows if i do he'll think he was right to avoid me cause i'm angry at him. lol i wasn't but i am becoming so!
what do you do when someone you love hurts your feelings, it cant just happen to me can it?
JJ
I thought i'd run this by you guys because i am confused about a situation and wondering if I should let it ride which is something I always do or say something knowing it might make things even worse. To explain.....
I picked up a winter bug (sore throat, stuffy nose, achy etc), not sure if i got it from being at the hospital everyday with mum, or if ds brought it home because he's been off too. Its been settling in for a couple of weeks, so that coupled with my itchy swollen face i'm feeling pretty crappy lol and thats not even mentioning the muscle spasms and sensory stuff thats ramped up with it all.
Anyway this weekend is a long weekend over here, and dh has started making sarcastic comments about me being conveniently sick so we wont get to go away. He thinks he's being funny but i've explained to him that it doesn't make me feel anything other than pressure to go regardless if i'm well enough to go or not. He doesnt say these sarcastic comments any other time, just when i'm not well and he's got something planned. In the past when i've made a comment in regard to sarcasm thats hurtful, he's fired up saying "sheesh you cant take a joke anymore" or something similar so i try to just let the sarcasm ride.
Today he phoned to check up if i was well yet, it was a repeat of the sacasm of yesterdays call and last nights comments and i thought i should tell him he was hurting my feelings, he thinks he's joking but to me sometimes sacasm just makes me feel like i am being picked on or bullied for something i have no control over. I didn't yell, winge or weep, i was calm and not hurting (yet) i just said "I think you should know how i feel when you make a sarcastic comment about me being convenienty sick......." naive me thought he'd say sorry i dont mean it like that, just something to acknowledge he'd hurt me and was sorry cause he was only joking, its what i'd do but he's not me is he.
I got nothing but cold distant silence, like a loooooong pause that feels weirdly uncomfortable, it was so long i thought maybe we'd disconnected so i asked if he was still there. His response was i can't talk now and more silence, which i thought meant he was busy and needed to go, so i said ok bye but he came back sounding annoyed with 'so i wont talk to you about why i'd called in the first place!' I was confused, even more confused after appologising to him because i thought he had to go and by the unimportant nature of what he did have time to talk about, it felt horrible and dismissive.
I mulled it over for a few hours and thought i'd email him about how odd it was, again telling him i was not critisizing him just asking for him to stop the sacasm because its not funny, it hurts and i need him to stop it. It wasn't a nausty email, wasn't anything negative and from my perspective I was simply telling him i wasn't annoyed and hanging up on him like he thought, he'd been silent for so long and said he couldn't talk and thats why i'd said ok bye. I ended it by jokingly saying if i didn't know you better that cold distancing silence could of been interpreted as a fk you i dont care if I hurt your feelings statement.
I didn't want him feeling p'd off all day for a communication breakdown if it could be avoided, i thought i was fixing it. So he doesn't respond, comes home over an hour later than usual, dosen't say two words of any meaning and it felt like he was avoiding speaking to me. It was so uncomfortable that i asked if he was giving me the cold shoulder, he said he was just tired (bullships) funny when he's tired he falls asleep on the couch and doesn't usually talk in one word responses, thats his pd off sign. Son goes to bed so its just the 2 of us and he states he's going to bed, no kiss, no hug, none of the usual, i start turning the tv down low and he says its ok i'm not going to sleep yet.
I seriously dont think i'm being sensitive, but i am starting to think he is putting pressure on me to go away, he has done exactly the same thing before and if i try to get him to see how mean he's coming across he gets really angry before he calms down. Go i might add is to our holiday set up, which is really wet and cold at this time of year and i've got the flu so being outside in the weather isnt on anyones list of top 10 things you should do if you want to get better. lol
One half of me wants to tell him what a right royal 'B' he's being and the other half knows if i do he'll think he was right to avoid me cause i'm angry at him. lol i wasn't but i am becoming so!
what do you do when someone you love hurts your feelings, it cant just happen to me can it?
JJ
I forgot to add that now when he does something that could be taken as a slight, insult or rejection, he will ask me if he's being an "A" again. And we get a good laugh out of it.
Hi JJ. I think we live nearly the same life on opposite sides of the planet. Your hubs sounds like a carbon copy of my own. We had, I repeat HAD, this problem for the last 12 years, only not about health issues until recently as they were unknown.
I understand this statement 100% "What i dont get is expressing your hurt feelings to someone you love and you know loves you and this is what you get for feeling, dont know if i'll ever accept i'm not allowed to feel and if i do, well shut your cake hole cause he wont make the time for that. lol now thats a battle i'd thought i'd already made a stand over. sheesh i dont need to have the last word, i just dont play those games, it does nothing for me lol so dont get why others need it. "
It wasn't but a couple of months ago hubs and I ended up getting into a huge fight over it. here's the scenario . . . .
He goes to bed earlier than me and is usually out cold by the time I climb in the sack. Every time I do and he wakes up he gets nasty and says something that comes across like a personal rejection - "Stop shaking the bed!" "What did I do! Why did you have to wake me up!" "Your hands are freezing! Why did you have to put them on me!"
Get the idea? After 12 years of this, I'm sick of feeling rejected and shoved away in bed at night. There are much more loving, kind, accepting ways of handling your wife doing something innocent like climbing in bed next to you to go to sleep. Right?
The LAST time anything like this happened, I said to him, "You know . . . I would never dare ever say anything like that to you, or treat you in that manner for fear of how you would react to it."
He immediately flew into a rage over it (yes, he's under stress too) stood up towering over me in the dark on the edge of the bed and loudly proclaimed that I was trying to make him feel guilty for moving away from my cold hands. I reminded him it was the way he did it and the toned he used the carried an entirely different meaning, and that if he was feeling guilty over it then maybe there was a good reason for it having nothing to do with me, my approach, or making an "issue" of it, I pointed out that maybe he was feeling guilty becuase he did something wrong or hurt my feelings and that it would be perfectly natural to feel guilty if that were the case unless he was a psychopath. LOL
I stood up, gathered up my pillow and some throw blankets, told him I wasn't going to let him intimidate me and that I felt we got along better when we slept in separate rooms and I left to sleep in the basement.
A little while later, after he calmed down and approached me, we had a few more words over the fact that I'm not allowed to be human and have feelings without him erupting into a fit over something that makes HIM uncomfortable, that he never apologizes or acknowledges when he hurts my feelings, he twists it around and tries to make me be the bad guy in the situation every time, and he never comforts me when I'm hurting, upset, or afraid. He just shuts down emotional and gives me the cold shoulder. I told him in my unreasonable tone, "GD it! Would you just apologize, get your A over here and give me a hug for once!" LOL
He did, and we've not had any problems since then. I got so sick of not being about to have feelings around him. It's not me. It's that he can't deal with emotions other than HAPPY HAPPY, like most emotionally immature people.
Honestly, since we've had it out, it's like he found his heart again and has stopped being nasty to me when I climb in bed. Instead of pushing me away now, he grabs on and pulls me near. That's what I'm talking about. Even he has been much happier ever since.
I hope your and your hubby find your own way of getting past this road block. Ours lasted an entire decade, and it wasn't until this year that I erupted on him, asked him to take his anger and leave the house for the weekend until he could treat us kindly, and then this last episode described above, that we finally put it behind us and were able to move on.
Hugs and best wishes to you. Mine still tries this sarcastic joking thing with me. I just tell him it makes me feel bad, guilty, sorry that such and such isn't working for him, and he stops doing it.
I understand this statement 100% "What i dont get is expressing your hurt feelings to someone you love and you know loves you and this is what you get for feeling, dont know if i'll ever accept i'm not allowed to feel and if i do, well shut your cake hole cause he wont make the time for that. lol now thats a battle i'd thought i'd already made a stand over. sheesh i dont need to have the last word, i just dont play those games, it does nothing for me lol so dont get why others need it. "
It wasn't but a couple of months ago hubs and I ended up getting into a huge fight over it. here's the scenario . . . .
He goes to bed earlier than me and is usually out cold by the time I climb in the sack. Every time I do and he wakes up he gets nasty and says something that comes across like a personal rejection - "Stop shaking the bed!" "What did I do! Why did you have to wake me up!" "Your hands are freezing! Why did you have to put them on me!"
Get the idea? After 12 years of this, I'm sick of feeling rejected and shoved away in bed at night. There are much more loving, kind, accepting ways of handling your wife doing something innocent like climbing in bed next to you to go to sleep. Right?
The LAST time anything like this happened, I said to him, "You know . . . I would never dare ever say anything like that to you, or treat you in that manner for fear of how you would react to it."
He immediately flew into a rage over it (yes, he's under stress too) stood up towering over me in the dark on the edge of the bed and loudly proclaimed that I was trying to make him feel guilty for moving away from my cold hands. I reminded him it was the way he did it and the toned he used the carried an entirely different meaning, and that if he was feeling guilty over it then maybe there was a good reason for it having nothing to do with me, my approach, or making an "issue" of it, I pointed out that maybe he was feeling guilty becuase he did something wrong or hurt my feelings and that it would be perfectly natural to feel guilty if that were the case unless he was a psychopath. LOL
I stood up, gathered up my pillow and some throw blankets, told him I wasn't going to let him intimidate me and that I felt we got along better when we slept in separate rooms and I left to sleep in the basement.
A little while later, after he calmed down and approached me, we had a few more words over the fact that I'm not allowed to be human and have feelings without him erupting into a fit over something that makes HIM uncomfortable, that he never apologizes or acknowledges when he hurts my feelings, he twists it around and tries to make me be the bad guy in the situation every time, and he never comforts me when I'm hurting, upset, or afraid. He just shuts down emotional and gives me the cold shoulder. I told him in my unreasonable tone, "GD it! Would you just apologize, get your A over here and give me a hug for once!" LOL
He did, and we've not had any problems since then. I got so sick of not being about to have feelings around him. It's not me. It's that he can't deal with emotions other than HAPPY HAPPY, like most emotionally immature people.
Honestly, since we've had it out, it's like he found his heart again and has stopped being nasty to me when I climb in bed. Instead of pushing me away now, he grabs on and pulls me near. That's what I'm talking about. Even he has been much happier ever since.
I hope your and your hubby find your own way of getting past this road block. Ours lasted an entire decade, and it wasn't until this year that I erupted on him, asked him to take his anger and leave the house for the weekend until he could treat us kindly, and then this last episode described above, that we finally put it behind us and were able to move on.
Hugs and best wishes to you. Mine still tries this sarcastic joking thing with me. I just tell him it makes me feel bad, guilty, sorry that such and such isn't working for him, and he stops doing it.
lol i will write up a man- manual!! lol gosh i wouldnt be able to cay it!!
glad things workin out!!
glad things workin out!!
I'm new here and so sorry you are going through this. I can only speak from my own perspective but when I am feeling awful I am more sensitive emotionally.
I do have a tendancy to try to 'joke' about things when it comes to myself and my illness problems. But I have noticed that if someone else in my life makes light of the situation first when I'm not feeling well, I feel hurt by it!
So now I tell myself to put it aside until I feel better when I can look at the situation or the remark in a better light.
Not that you should let this go. Just give yourself time to heal your body. That's the important thing right now. One thing at a time:-)
I do have a tendancy to try to 'joke' about things when it comes to myself and my illness problems. But I have noticed that if someone else in my life makes light of the situation first when I'm not feeling well, I feel hurt by it!
So now I tell myself to put it aside until I feel better when I can look at the situation or the remark in a better light.
Not that you should let this go. Just give yourself time to heal your body. That's the important thing right now. One thing at a time:-)
COMMUNITY LEADER
I dont think your actually playing devils advocate in this instance, your point of view isn't actually in opposition to what I or others have said, a lot of what you've said is supportive of.
I do think the type of sacasm is valid, we are always laughing, slap stick, black, sacastic and a humor orientated family in general but humorless sacasm can be poorly disgissed bullying. If you pull them up on it and instead of accepting they were wrong they become passive aggressive or try to make you feel bad for having feelings, then they ARE crossing the line! Partners for a day or a million days still doesn't give anyone the right to bully their partner or the expectation that you need to keep quietly taking it.
Everyone has the right to say they dont like something because...... nothing else is necessary. If your partner wont give you this freedom then there is something wrong with your partner or maybe even you too, especially if you dont have the confidence to speak up and be heard. Personally i've never not had the confidence, it doesn't matter who you are if you try to bully, i'll always speak up because bullying is never ok!
We hear a lot of 'we teach people how to treat us' there is some truth in that, though not as responsability for that persons treatment of you but if you accept it or not. You dont have to accept treatment you dont like, that is what a good healthy partnership is all about and one of the most important lessons in life to learn because you matter too.
Am i wrong to think this way?
I do think there is a possability that I shouldn't of started this with a personal example and expected me saying i'm not upset to actually not get lost in the trillion other words i've written. But seriously i'm not upset!! :-)
I really dont want anyone reading this to think that because they have a disease or condition of somekind that they should be accepting of their partners inappropriate outbursts of behavior. It just isn't ok to hurt the one you love just because you feel bad, no matter the cause. They may be angry at the disease but they are still taking it out on you and unless you speak up they will continue to take it out on you and that just isn't ever going to be ok.
Peace........JJ
PS i chose to ignore it ever happened, just pretended he wasn't still behaving like an a$$ and he was soon laughing and chatting along with us, he was having a bad week at work and he was taking it out on me, as well as trying to make me not pull out of going away. lol men!? anyone got the manual?
I do think the type of sacasm is valid, we are always laughing, slap stick, black, sacastic and a humor orientated family in general but humorless sacasm can be poorly disgissed bullying. If you pull them up on it and instead of accepting they were wrong they become passive aggressive or try to make you feel bad for having feelings, then they ARE crossing the line! Partners for a day or a million days still doesn't give anyone the right to bully their partner or the expectation that you need to keep quietly taking it.
Everyone has the right to say they dont like something because...... nothing else is necessary. If your partner wont give you this freedom then there is something wrong with your partner or maybe even you too, especially if you dont have the confidence to speak up and be heard. Personally i've never not had the confidence, it doesn't matter who you are if you try to bully, i'll always speak up because bullying is never ok!
We hear a lot of 'we teach people how to treat us' there is some truth in that, though not as responsability for that persons treatment of you but if you accept it or not. You dont have to accept treatment you dont like, that is what a good healthy partnership is all about and one of the most important lessons in life to learn because you matter too.
Am i wrong to think this way?
I do think there is a possability that I shouldn't of started this with a personal example and expected me saying i'm not upset to actually not get lost in the trillion other words i've written. But seriously i'm not upset!! :-)
I really dont want anyone reading this to think that because they have a disease or condition of somekind that they should be accepting of their partners inappropriate outbursts of behavior. It just isn't ok to hurt the one you love just because you feel bad, no matter the cause. They may be angry at the disease but they are still taking it out on you and unless you speak up they will continue to take it out on you and that just isn't ever going to be ok.
Peace........JJ
PS i chose to ignore it ever happened, just pretended he wasn't still behaving like an a$$ and he was soon laughing and chatting along with us, he was having a bad week at work and he was taking it out on me, as well as trying to make me not pull out of going away. lol men!? anyone got the manual?
Am going to play devil's advocate here and may wish I hadn't but........having been married for 48 years........have been down many of the paths I read above.....
There is a chance that your hubby is "hiding" his anxiety and fear behind this sarcasm.....he may not be able to handle what is going on with you and his male ego won't let him admit it.
I do know, and agree with others, that you pick your battles. A wise MD told me years ago when chaos lived in my life that you cannot live other's lives for them or change them. You can only live your own.
My hubby has his head in the sand with my MS, which has progressed to "possible" and it has taken me 6 yrs to understand that he doesn't want to talk about it or learn about it. I think that when he gets the bill for the copaxene (ha ha the little d.... is sitting on my shoulder) then it will sink in. I know this because we have friends that he worked with for years who's wife is very, very ill with MS and he has watched them thru the years, so I know he knows what is possible and hasn't yet come to terms with himself.
I do know that when you throw down the gauntlet or draw the line in the sand, you have to be prepared to accept the consequences. So if he hurls sarcasm at you, just either say nothing or make a neutral comment. Picking up the arrow he threw down, makes you the owner of it........its like the spoons theory in reverse.....keep picking up those arrows and soon you won't be able to do anything because your hands will be full.........
If this continues to bother you perhaps a conversation with your doctor or minister might help; either might be willing to talk with him, but perhaps for now, just refuse to "play the game"......guys sometimes have sensitive egos......they have to do things their way.
I hope this helps in some way
Sarah
There is a chance that your hubby is "hiding" his anxiety and fear behind this sarcasm.....he may not be able to handle what is going on with you and his male ego won't let him admit it.
I do know, and agree with others, that you pick your battles. A wise MD told me years ago when chaos lived in my life that you cannot live other's lives for them or change them. You can only live your own.
My hubby has his head in the sand with my MS, which has progressed to "possible" and it has taken me 6 yrs to understand that he doesn't want to talk about it or learn about it. I think that when he gets the bill for the copaxene (ha ha the little d.... is sitting on my shoulder) then it will sink in. I know this because we have friends that he worked with for years who's wife is very, very ill with MS and he has watched them thru the years, so I know he knows what is possible and hasn't yet come to terms with himself.
I do know that when you throw down the gauntlet or draw the line in the sand, you have to be prepared to accept the consequences. So if he hurls sarcasm at you, just either say nothing or make a neutral comment. Picking up the arrow he threw down, makes you the owner of it........its like the spoons theory in reverse.....keep picking up those arrows and soon you won't be able to do anything because your hands will be full.........
If this continues to bother you perhaps a conversation with your doctor or minister might help; either might be willing to talk with him, but perhaps for now, just refuse to "play the game"......guys sometimes have sensitive egos......they have to do things their way.
I hope this helps in some way
Sarah
COMMUNITY LEADER
allergy mouth ulcers (still got 2 weeks on) then got gastro, then picked up a sore throat, started sneezing late last week, runny nose, achy mack truck ran over you feeling that comes with bugs, 2 days ago i started to cough a bit phlemy but nothing much. its been around a week but its been coming on for a couple if you count the rest. Nothing a doc can do really but take my money, antibiotics dont work too well when they were lollies to you from a kid to almost 30 because of chronic throat infections. Its a winter bug or a cold or the flu they all to be the same thing over here.
cheers...........JJ
cheers...........JJ
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ha ha Mary,
i couldn't imagine what goes around in his head when he's the only one who uses negative jokes or sacasm about him self and then he gets mad because he's being picked on, um by himself. lol work that one out. Sacasm thats dark isn't the same as sacasm thats light, you can see the smiles, hear and feel the humor with light but dark is devoid of humor.
You are right as usual, he has done little more than grunt but i think thats probably why i dont get it, is he not assuming more meaning than what I said which amounted to 60 seconds of please dont say that cause it hurts my feelings. Nothing more and nothing less!
I tried to protect his feelings and fix it and he gave me nothing but more cold distant silence, i seriously didn't do or say anything wrong and still i tried to fix his hurt and I continued to do so and still got the same cold distant silence back. I even gave him an out and sent an email asking him if he was so tired because he was coming down with our bug and all he sent me was "no i'm fine thanks" that was his entire reply.
The olive branch was past more than once but he choses not to take it, I seriously dont know why he's behaving this way over nothing, and i mean nothing. It would make more sense if we'd had a rip roaring fight and it wasn't even close to getting called a tiff lol
I'm not sure what toe tread means but if its discussing feelings still then i dont have a problem continuing this thread. Seriously i'm a mean what i say and say what i mean gal no hidden meanings with anything i say either written or verbal. there wasn't anything going on here to account for his continual distance, still isn't. so i'm in lol
I want to ask what's going on but also want to let him work himself out, sheesh if this is 'control' he's going about it all wrong, in his presant state there is nothing i want less than being alone for 3 days with that and the flu.lol
Peace babe..........JJ
i couldn't imagine what goes around in his head when he's the only one who uses negative jokes or sacasm about him self and then he gets mad because he's being picked on, um by himself. lol work that one out. Sacasm thats dark isn't the same as sacasm thats light, you can see the smiles, hear and feel the humor with light but dark is devoid of humor.
You are right as usual, he has done little more than grunt but i think thats probably why i dont get it, is he not assuming more meaning than what I said which amounted to 60 seconds of please dont say that cause it hurts my feelings. Nothing more and nothing less!
I tried to protect his feelings and fix it and he gave me nothing but more cold distant silence, i seriously didn't do or say anything wrong and still i tried to fix his hurt and I continued to do so and still got the same cold distant silence back. I even gave him an out and sent an email asking him if he was so tired because he was coming down with our bug and all he sent me was "no i'm fine thanks" that was his entire reply.
The olive branch was past more than once but he choses not to take it, I seriously dont know why he's behaving this way over nothing, and i mean nothing. It would make more sense if we'd had a rip roaring fight and it wasn't even close to getting called a tiff lol
I'm not sure what toe tread means but if its discussing feelings still then i dont have a problem continuing this thread. Seriously i'm a mean what i say and say what i mean gal no hidden meanings with anything i say either written or verbal. there wasn't anything going on here to account for his continual distance, still isn't. so i'm in lol
I want to ask what's going on but also want to let him work himself out, sheesh if this is 'control' he's going about it all wrong, in his presant state there is nothing i want less than being alone for 3 days with that and the flu.lol
Peace babe..........JJ
Oh yeah. Are you sure this is flu??? The flu doesn't settle in over a couple of weeks. It's more the slam you to the ground, kick you around then leave you for dead type of character. Could you do with a little professional diagnosing - like from your doctor?
Mary
Mary
I don't know JJ. This seems like a lot of communication when one of the people involved has done barely more than grunt.
I realized recently that the longer hubby and I are married, the more we each assume we know what the other is thinking (or about to say). Why not? After 38 years together you know what you know, right?
So we decided to spot test our accuracy. We limited the study to situations with low emotional charge because we just aren't good enough to study ourselves in the midst of disputes. Guess what? It seems we are both still capable of original thoughts unanticipated by the one person who knows us best in this world!
As it turns out, I'm right that the snapping away of the chapstick lid in his pocket means he's getting agitated. But I'm wrong to assume he's losing patience with me. Now I find out the snapping sometimes = a distration from his demanding bladder so we can finish a conversation. I'm actually relieved about that one.
Well, I feel a ramble coming on. I best sleep on this one. I'll try to get back if you're interested in bouncing things around with the membership. Please let us know if you are needing some space here to juggle things for yourself. I don't want to toe tread.
Mary
I realized recently that the longer hubby and I are married, the more we each assume we know what the other is thinking (or about to say). Why not? After 38 years together you know what you know, right?
So we decided to spot test our accuracy. We limited the study to situations with low emotional charge because we just aren't good enough to study ourselves in the midst of disputes. Guess what? It seems we are both still capable of original thoughts unanticipated by the one person who knows us best in this world!
As it turns out, I'm right that the snapping away of the chapstick lid in his pocket means he's getting agitated. But I'm wrong to assume he's losing patience with me. Now I find out the snapping sometimes = a distration from his demanding bladder so we can finish a conversation. I'm actually relieved about that one.
Well, I feel a ramble coming on. I best sleep on this one. I'll try to get back if you're interested in bouncing things around with the membership. Please let us know if you are needing some space here to juggle things for yourself. I don't want to toe tread.
Mary
COMMUNITY LEADER
I've been re-filling his bucket of self esteem for over 20 years and there will never be enough to fill it. I pledged unconditional love and commitment, i still mean that in every sense but sometimes, just sometimes being 'bitten at' is not fair and someone needs to pull their head in and control themselves.
This family of mine is so lucky that i dont get depressed, i get sad like anyone else but its never turned into anything more, sheesh i'm blastedly lucky! I have a theory, if an angry person is responsible for their emotion of anger and lack of control of it, so no one else is responsible for it. Then for that to be true, the opposite must also be true and that translates as "we are responsible for our own happiness!"
I am not responsible for his emotions, it doesn't matter what i do or dont do, who i am or not, if he doesn't feel happy that is coming from within him, not from any external environmental factors, he alone has the power to feel how ever he feels! It can take 20 years to work that out or is that another slow on the uptake thing of mine? lol
I dont think i will ever appologise to anyone for what my body is doing to me, to me, if i did that i would be taking responsibility for something I DID NOT CHOOSE! ok i have appologised after throwing a drink over someone or when i've lovingly poked them in the eye, falling off my chair during a dinner party, walking into walls, needing to stop to catch my breath (lol) but i think you get the difference and deeper meaning of the former.
I'm not sorry my ill health is sometimes inconvenient to him when he has plans, is he saying its convenient to him all the other times but just not when it doesn't suit him? I dont think thats what he means but when the man sees what 'this' has and is doing to me, how can he not think that this is totally inconvenient to me every single day of the week, not just sometimes but all the time! If you need to pull your head in then pull your head in and think before you unleash words that wound for no other reason but you feel bad about ??? something that has nothing to do with the person your wounding. Is that too much to ask of your life partner, i think its not.
I didn't do this to me, I didn't do this to him, i didn't do this to us as a couple and i didnt do this to our family, I appologise all the time but i dont think any of us should take responsibility for the disease thats stopping us from being able to do something, what ever that something is, that doesn't make sense that thats expected of anyone, disease or not.
I'm still not angry at him, i am simply confused by this behavior.
Cheers.........JJ
PS i actually have the flu so its not MS that would be stopping me from going and i'm always more than happy for him to go anywhere with out me, he just doesn't like too.
This family of mine is so lucky that i dont get depressed, i get sad like anyone else but its never turned into anything more, sheesh i'm blastedly lucky! I have a theory, if an angry person is responsible for their emotion of anger and lack of control of it, so no one else is responsible for it. Then for that to be true, the opposite must also be true and that translates as "we are responsible for our own happiness!"
I am not responsible for his emotions, it doesn't matter what i do or dont do, who i am or not, if he doesn't feel happy that is coming from within him, not from any external environmental factors, he alone has the power to feel how ever he feels! It can take 20 years to work that out or is that another slow on the uptake thing of mine? lol
I dont think i will ever appologise to anyone for what my body is doing to me, to me, if i did that i would be taking responsibility for something I DID NOT CHOOSE! ok i have appologised after throwing a drink over someone or when i've lovingly poked them in the eye, falling off my chair during a dinner party, walking into walls, needing to stop to catch my breath (lol) but i think you get the difference and deeper meaning of the former.
I'm not sorry my ill health is sometimes inconvenient to him when he has plans, is he saying its convenient to him all the other times but just not when it doesn't suit him? I dont think thats what he means but when the man sees what 'this' has and is doing to me, how can he not think that this is totally inconvenient to me every single day of the week, not just sometimes but all the time! If you need to pull your head in then pull your head in and think before you unleash words that wound for no other reason but you feel bad about ??? something that has nothing to do with the person your wounding. Is that too much to ask of your life partner, i think its not.
I didn't do this to me, I didn't do this to him, i didn't do this to us as a couple and i didnt do this to our family, I appologise all the time but i dont think any of us should take responsibility for the disease thats stopping us from being able to do something, what ever that something is, that doesn't make sense that thats expected of anyone, disease or not.
I'm still not angry at him, i am simply confused by this behavior.
Cheers.........JJ
PS i actually have the flu so its not MS that would be stopping me from going and i'm always more than happy for him to go anywhere with out me, he just doesn't like too.
gosh i hate to hear you going through this!! but get it in the open, ask him if he is happy- and you want the truth. its tough on them, very tough but you cant go on this way, i have had my share of this kind-of stuff, and we been married 40 years, so we still have ups and downs- meet him at the door tell him how much you missed him. well that you appreciate him, he might just feel so alone?? it will be ok hugs!! cainer
I think I will PM you but can really sense that you don't want a battle, but that you also wouldl like to feel that you have been heard and listened to. It feels like a no win situation and sometimes in life..there is no easy answer. My best advice is that you know your husband better than anyone, you understand how he ticks and when you have to tread carefully and somewhere in your relationship there must be something that works. I feel that you are your own best advocate but that you do need outside support and somewhere to put your feelings and if this forum can help you in this way then reach out to us...we will do our best to be there for you.
I personally do not like confrontation, stress does me no good and so I have learnt to let things that used to upset me go through me rather than let them go down deep. I do not worry what other people think of me. Now I have written more than I intended so will PM you.
With love,support and hugs
Sarah x
I personally do not like confrontation, stress does me no good and so I have learnt to let things that used to upset me go through me rather than let them go down deep. I do not worry what other people think of me. Now I have written more than I intended so will PM you.
With love,support and hugs
Sarah x
I don't know if I can adequately speak to your specific situation, not knowing individual personalities/dynamics, etc, but I CAN speak to this: MS/chronic illness of any kind is really hard on a marriage. As my husband put it a few weeks ago, "it's like all of a sudden there's this other person there. And they weren't invited. And they're awful. But they're changing everything."
What helped in our situation is I acknowledged he's got to feel pissed off--- and he shouldn't feel bad about it--(I'm pretty pissed off about all this, too!) I let him know that I'd just like him to say so, and not feel guilty, but for us to talk. I told him I know he's exhausted, and way over-compensating for me being out of it, and it's no fun for me, either-- but that I get what's going on. This cleared the air immensely. Sometimes just acknowledging does the trick. Like, "You must get so frustrated sometimes when my health ends up being such a big variable in everything we do--I really hate it, too. And I know you're looking forward to some time away. Please know I want to go, too, and I'm doing my best to make it happen. There's only so much I can control, but I promise I know you really want us to go, and I'm working on it."
HTH!
Sadie
What helped in our situation is I acknowledged he's got to feel pissed off--- and he shouldn't feel bad about it--(I'm pretty pissed off about all this, too!) I let him know that I'd just like him to say so, and not feel guilty, but for us to talk. I told him I know he's exhausted, and way over-compensating for me being out of it, and it's no fun for me, either-- but that I get what's going on. This cleared the air immensely. Sometimes just acknowledging does the trick. Like, "You must get so frustrated sometimes when my health ends up being such a big variable in everything we do--I really hate it, too. And I know you're looking forward to some time away. Please know I want to go, too, and I'm doing my best to make it happen. There's only so much I can control, but I promise I know you really want us to go, and I'm working on it."
HTH!
Sadie
COMMUNITY LEADER
My husband is a nasasist (sp) you dont confront a nasasistic person when their in a mood unless your ready for it to get ugly, actually you never confront anyone who's angry it always ends badly. You learn timing and to pick your battles and dont waver if they are important enough to you. I dont have many battles because i dont have the energy for anything more than calm reason, though do wrong by my kids and hear me roar!
I walk softly in everyones headspace and other people's anger doesnt get to me, i'm quite use to missdirected agression (calmer underfire) but sometimes I need them to hear me say, they have crossed the line and it must stop. I wont hit out to hurt them back because i know it wont make their mental health issues go away and i'm not that kind of person, so i stay true to who I am and just love them anyway!
I know whats going on has nothing to do with me but sometimes when i'm sick i have lower tollerance of being people's whipping boy (errr girl) and i'm more likely to say something they know but dont want to hear. I am no door mat, just someone with a lot of self control but i am capable of blowing my top, I just choose not too.
What i dont get is expressing your hurt feelings to someone you love and you know loves you and this is what you get for feeling, dont know if i'll ever accept i'm not allowed to feel and if i do, well shut your cake hole cause he wont make the time for that. lol now thats a battle i'd thought i'd already made a stand over. sheesh i dont need to have the last word, i just dont play those games, it does nothing for me lol so dont get why others need it.
Its time for my bed time, gord this flu might be bringing me down, time to change the subject!
JJ
I walk softly in everyones headspace and other people's anger doesnt get to me, i'm quite use to missdirected agression (calmer underfire) but sometimes I need them to hear me say, they have crossed the line and it must stop. I wont hit out to hurt them back because i know it wont make their mental health issues go away and i'm not that kind of person, so i stay true to who I am and just love them anyway!
I know whats going on has nothing to do with me but sometimes when i'm sick i have lower tollerance of being people's whipping boy (errr girl) and i'm more likely to say something they know but dont want to hear. I am no door mat, just someone with a lot of self control but i am capable of blowing my top, I just choose not too.
What i dont get is expressing your hurt feelings to someone you love and you know loves you and this is what you get for feeling, dont know if i'll ever accept i'm not allowed to feel and if i do, well shut your cake hole cause he wont make the time for that. lol now thats a battle i'd thought i'd already made a stand over. sheesh i dont need to have the last word, i just dont play those games, it does nothing for me lol so dont get why others need it.
Its time for my bed time, gord this flu might be bringing me down, time to change the subject!
JJ
I don't know JJ but maybe try something like this:
"I know honey that my health puts a strain on you and for this I am truely sorry...But when I don't feel good I need support, not sarcasm...Can you understand?"
"I know honey that my health puts a strain on you and for this I am truely sorry...But when I don't feel good I need support, not sarcasm...Can you understand?"
And, if he's like my hubby, he prob. doesn't even mean to hurt your feelings. Just a joker and use to how you two would typically react to your own personal ways, and humor.
It's a learning curve I think on their part - not intentional. Thats why you can't laugh off this one - think he'll appreciate you saying so.
(((Hugs)))
shell
It's a learning curve I think on their part - not intentional. Thats why you can't laugh off this one - think he'll appreciate you saying so.
(((Hugs)))
shell
Isn't this just what happened on one of our threads? A poster says this makes me angry and hurts my feelings. Some posters respond that it shouldn't. Some posters respond that they understand.
I think it depends on how people were raised. Some are taught it is okay to express feelings of anger while other families teach it is wrong.
However, unless you make the boundary, JJ, he will continue the behavior. He isn't stupid. He knows exactly what he is doing. Unstead of being unfront with the anger he is acting like a sly fox...very passive aggressive behavior.. Oh, no, not me, I am not angry....lol. These behaviors I truly think are taught at the knees of parents.
My husband never ever enjoyed trips with our children...not camping, not going to the beach, not visiting historic sites, not camping, not canoeing...So I just went off with the kids by ourselves. We had a blast. Maybe give him permission to head on out with the kids. He might just have fun and return home in a good mood. (Unless of course, you are too sick and need him there to help you.)
I think it depends on how people were raised. Some are taught it is okay to express feelings of anger while other families teach it is wrong.
However, unless you make the boundary, JJ, he will continue the behavior. He isn't stupid. He knows exactly what he is doing. Unstead of being unfront with the anger he is acting like a sly fox...very passive aggressive behavior.. Oh, no, not me, I am not angry....lol. These behaviors I truly think are taught at the knees of parents.
My husband never ever enjoyed trips with our children...not camping, not going to the beach, not visiting historic sites, not camping, not canoeing...So I just went off with the kids by ourselves. We had a blast. Maybe give him permission to head on out with the kids. He might just have fun and return home in a good mood. (Unless of course, you are too sick and need him there to help you.)
I am learning a new lesson these days to let things go. Being right or having the last word is satisfying for a moment but that is about it. If the other person is being a jerk for what ever reason I do not feed in. It is exhausting and I do not have the energy.
Sometimes later it is like the movie "The Sixth Sense" I have a different perspective and see the same situation in a whole different way.
Sometimes I am a jerk for whatever reason, sometimes other people are jerks. Sometimes people just like to stir things up ( those are folks I am starting to avoid ).
No one can make me feel or do anything. It is where I am at the time in my own head. For example there are days when anyone can do anything in traffic and I do not care, I just get out of their way. Other days I am looking for the jerk driver. It all has to do with my head space.
Marriage is compromise. It is not about grinning and bearing it. It is about defusing it. I think about what I will say or do which will make it worse and trying not to do it. It takes great strength to be the one who puts down your arms first.
If all else fails I say "You know what I am going to say nothing not because I am angry but just because I do not know what to say?" I feel like I am walking on egg shells and I do not like that feeling". Or I apologize without explaining myself that can undo an apology. Also once it is over let it go.
I do a lot of things I do not want to do. Sometimes once we go do them I have fun. If I have a chip on my shoulder it is doomed from the start.
I am not sure if that helps you at all.
Alex
Sometimes later it is like the movie "The Sixth Sense" I have a different perspective and see the same situation in a whole different way.
Sometimes I am a jerk for whatever reason, sometimes other people are jerks. Sometimes people just like to stir things up ( those are folks I am starting to avoid ).
No one can make me feel or do anything. It is where I am at the time in my own head. For example there are days when anyone can do anything in traffic and I do not care, I just get out of their way. Other days I am looking for the jerk driver. It all has to do with my head space.
Marriage is compromise. It is not about grinning and bearing it. It is about defusing it. I think about what I will say or do which will make it worse and trying not to do it. It takes great strength to be the one who puts down your arms first.
If all else fails I say "You know what I am going to say nothing not because I am angry but just because I do not know what to say?" I feel like I am walking on egg shells and I do not like that feeling". Or I apologize without explaining myself that can undo an apology. Also once it is over let it go.
I do a lot of things I do not want to do. Sometimes once we go do them I have fun. If I have a chip on my shoulder it is doomed from the start.
I am not sure if that helps you at all.
Alex
Kick is arsh, lol Na, I know you are being serious.
JJ - even if you are being sensitive - your entitled to. Tell him straight up that while you may be sensitive or not is not the case.
That you take offense, or are sensitive, because it bothers you to be sick and miss out on things you'd otherwise enjoy if you were well. You would be able to laugh about it if it were si - but it's not. That's why you can't take that joke. Not that you've lost your sense of humor in "this" regard.
Make this point to him loud and clear. woman, I know you can do it :)
xoxo
-Shell
JJ - even if you are being sensitive - your entitled to. Tell him straight up that while you may be sensitive or not is not the case.
That you take offense, or are sensitive, because it bothers you to be sick and miss out on things you'd otherwise enjoy if you were well. You would be able to laugh about it if it were si - but it's not. That's why you can't take that joke. Not that you've lost your sense of humor in "this" regard.
Make this point to him loud and clear. woman, I know you can do it :)
xoxo
-Shell
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