Aa
off topic: every time I close my eyes I see his face
Saw him today, at a meeting. The man who is making our lives hell. Never hated a human being so much, would not resicitate him if he collapsed in front of me. Right now, eyes keep closing over computer, happens a lot these days, can't sleep then drift off while I'm typing. Each time my eyes close his wicked smug face appears, like a close-up photo. It's turning my stomach.
The meeting today was with architects, about how they are going to improve this estate, and we were shown pictures of how 'this' block of flats will get their own garden and that block of flats will get allotments and the other block of flats a small mini-market and restful recreation area. And the whole place will be wonderful, because all the dirt, junk, problems, will be thrown onto our block of flats. No plans to give us a garden of our own, a place to relax, no, we are needed as the estate rubbish dump.
I was silenced every time I tried to speak, all are content with the improvements - they just throw their rubbish into my home and there, their problems magically gone, all will have a nice clean area for some tenants to enjoy. Because we in our flats are second class citizens, who pay as much rent as anyone else but treated as squatters. I am barred from meetings with those who run the estate, whereas it is the right of all tenants to attend. The reason? I do not agree with their plans.
Apparently I elected these people, despite being barred from voting too. I have a diagnosed major psychiatric condition by the man who is harrassing me, spread by him as fact through all the offices of the local council and landlords, such that they sent social services round. He knows how to talk, lie, convince, manipulate, cook the books. I could sue him for that. Suppose I was mentally ill? What would that gossip have done to me? The man is a creation from hell, with eyes of pure evil. Every day I hope to hear of his death. I have never wished that on anybody. He has taken my peace of mind, infested my home with vermin, spread wicked rumours about me, falsified accounts, extorted money from me weekly because we have to pay him as part of our agreement, laughed in my face as he took my money telling me he does as he pleases. He manipulates and convinces people of his integrity, whilst robbing us and harrassing us. He came freshly sacked from his last postition and falsified his background to work here. I told the landlords. They now ignore my letters, emails and phone-calls, as I am recorded as mentally ill, because I have been diagnosed so by this man. This nobody who has not a single qualification or does a days work, ever.
I hope he burns for eternity in hell. His actions may have already killed some from stress. He is pure evil in a human body, never seen or come across anything like it.
Have had people do terrrible things to me in the past, harm me, even try to kill me. I have fought with and hated them, but always inside I can see their humanity, that they are at their core like me, just people, with good and bad in them. Not this man. I see nothing in him but wickedness, right through to his soul. My skin crawls if he is in the same room as me. Never, ever, have come across this in any person. Even the malicious old gp who has done me such damage is just a very bad man, but still a man. This creature is not fit to be called a person. Never used to believe in pure evil, but now I have seen it.
Maybe I am insane.
I just want to get as far away from him as possible. Occupational therapy visiting later in the week. I hope they revommend a transfer. I've travelled so much of the world, why did I come back to the UK?
Am going to do something I never do, take my pills to get rid of the sight of that man. Never take them for mental reasons, but his face is sickening me. Am in pain (a bit) too, so I suppose I can justify it.
Sorry, should have put this one in my journal. The dark side is alive and kicking in me. If only I could be a mother (at my age?!), it would bring love back into my life. Even if I conceived now, what chance would the child have with the medications floating around my body? I never imagined I would not be a mother. To love a man, and bring a life into this world, an impossible dream, yet all I want in life, can die before the child is old enough to remember me if that is how it is, or recover and shape their lives. Never going to happen. Not without a miracle, and not with pure evil on my doorstep.
Get that monster's face out of my eyes. The eye hospital should treat me for that!
The meeting today was with architects, about how they are going to improve this estate, and we were shown pictures of how 'this' block of flats will get their own garden and that block of flats will get allotments and the other block of flats a small mini-market and restful recreation area. And the whole place will be wonderful, because all the dirt, junk, problems, will be thrown onto our block of flats. No plans to give us a garden of our own, a place to relax, no, we are needed as the estate rubbish dump.
I was silenced every time I tried to speak, all are content with the improvements - they just throw their rubbish into my home and there, their problems magically gone, all will have a nice clean area for some tenants to enjoy. Because we in our flats are second class citizens, who pay as much rent as anyone else but treated as squatters. I am barred from meetings with those who run the estate, whereas it is the right of all tenants to attend. The reason? I do not agree with their plans.
Apparently I elected these people, despite being barred from voting too. I have a diagnosed major psychiatric condition by the man who is harrassing me, spread by him as fact through all the offices of the local council and landlords, such that they sent social services round. He knows how to talk, lie, convince, manipulate, cook the books. I could sue him for that. Suppose I was mentally ill? What would that gossip have done to me? The man is a creation from hell, with eyes of pure evil. Every day I hope to hear of his death. I have never wished that on anybody. He has taken my peace of mind, infested my home with vermin, spread wicked rumours about me, falsified accounts, extorted money from me weekly because we have to pay him as part of our agreement, laughed in my face as he took my money telling me he does as he pleases. He manipulates and convinces people of his integrity, whilst robbing us and harrassing us. He came freshly sacked from his last postition and falsified his background to work here. I told the landlords. They now ignore my letters, emails and phone-calls, as I am recorded as mentally ill, because I have been diagnosed so by this man. This nobody who has not a single qualification or does a days work, ever.
I hope he burns for eternity in hell. His actions may have already killed some from stress. He is pure evil in a human body, never seen or come across anything like it.
Have had people do terrrible things to me in the past, harm me, even try to kill me. I have fought with and hated them, but always inside I can see their humanity, that they are at their core like me, just people, with good and bad in them. Not this man. I see nothing in him but wickedness, right through to his soul. My skin crawls if he is in the same room as me. Never, ever, have come across this in any person. Even the malicious old gp who has done me such damage is just a very bad man, but still a man. This creature is not fit to be called a person. Never used to believe in pure evil, but now I have seen it.
Maybe I am insane.
I just want to get as far away from him as possible. Occupational therapy visiting later in the week. I hope they revommend a transfer. I've travelled so much of the world, why did I come back to the UK?
Am going to do something I never do, take my pills to get rid of the sight of that man. Never take them for mental reasons, but his face is sickening me. Am in pain (a bit) too, so I suppose I can justify it.
Sorry, should have put this one in my journal. The dark side is alive and kicking in me. If only I could be a mother (at my age?!), it would bring love back into my life. Even if I conceived now, what chance would the child have with the medications floating around my body? I never imagined I would not be a mother. To love a man, and bring a life into this world, an impossible dream, yet all I want in life, can die before the child is old enough to remember me if that is how it is, or recover and shape their lives. Never going to happen. Not without a miracle, and not with pure evil on my doorstep.
Get that monster's face out of my eyes. The eye hospital should treat me for that!
I don't know what it's really like over there with your medical system but I know you have universal healthcare and that although it's free the drawbacks almost outweight that fact. I had a very good friend who lived in London and had to have energency services come. I was there visiting at the time and remember how strange it all seemed compaired to our system. The ED seemed alot less advanced than ours and I remember thinking to myself, I hope I never need healthcare here because they don't seem to have all the medical ameneties that we do. That was almost 10 years ago so I'm not sure if things have changed drastically.
Basically I can understand your digs at the medical community if what I saw is what it is all like. But here in America some doctors are just as bad as you explain also! I've run into a few. But as popular as the UK has become in recent years I think that you all are still a bit lacking medically, for tests and what not.
Yes the lymes test is a simple blood test, actually I say simple having no understanding of what happens during teh actual testing process at the lab. But I'm assuming it's like any other blood test as it took just as long as most, about a week. But as I've experienced because of my numerous lymes tests they have some very sensative more complicated tests that can pick up numerous lymes infections and different types.
Actually I think that as many types of lymes exists as people who get it! Some new strains that may not have tests to detect them. (as per my rhumatologist)
I was reading or watching something yesterday that said not only ticks carry lymes but also lice and fleas. I couldn't tell you how accurate that information is though.
I will have a look at your post you made in the Lupus forum. I don't have as much medical knowlege as I have of psychological and pharmacological knowlege but I do know a little of some things and have done alot of research on autoimmune diseases lately because of my confusing symotoms.
I would love to have given you your diagnosis, seems no doctor has been able to thus far!
Amph
Basically I can understand your digs at the medical community if what I saw is what it is all like. But here in America some doctors are just as bad as you explain also! I've run into a few. But as popular as the UK has become in recent years I think that you all are still a bit lacking medically, for tests and what not.
Yes the lymes test is a simple blood test, actually I say simple having no understanding of what happens during teh actual testing process at the lab. But I'm assuming it's like any other blood test as it took just as long as most, about a week. But as I've experienced because of my numerous lymes tests they have some very sensative more complicated tests that can pick up numerous lymes infections and different types.
Actually I think that as many types of lymes exists as people who get it! Some new strains that may not have tests to detect them. (as per my rhumatologist)
I was reading or watching something yesterday that said not only ticks carry lymes but also lice and fleas. I couldn't tell you how accurate that information is though.
I will have a look at your post you made in the Lupus forum. I don't have as much medical knowlege as I have of psychological and pharmacological knowlege but I do know a little of some things and have done alot of research on autoimmune diseases lately because of my confusing symotoms.
I would love to have given you your diagnosis, seems no doctor has been able to thus far!
Amph
Oh....and......oh dear....and......what?
Talk about throwing a spanner in the works? You have just listed my symptoms. There are and have been for years issuses of tiny little clusters or rashes popping up at different parts of my body. There was a time, some years back, where one side of my face stopped moving. I just put it down to plain old ugliness.
This nearly constant low grade and ocassionally spiking fever is a big question mark. Again put it down to UTIs - how I love too diagnose and dismiss my symptoms. One of my problems, I will tell a doctor a symptom and then tell them what it is from and it how it can thus be ignored. They love that, takes the effort of thinking from them and they can dismiss it too. It's when you ask for help they get flustered, they can't cope with a large salary AND doing their job! Have to have a dig at the medical professsion evey post, my way of dealing with so much baggage they have left me with.
Actually did look up Lymes in the UK, and found it is around. Now I am the masked poster, never revealing who I am or where I'm from. But there is an element of my history which involved over a few years spending lengthy times in the woods and fields of our muddy wet little island, in very unsanitary conditions. Used to pick up some weird and wonderful infections and bites at that time, all part of the being young experience, and all shaken off and forgotten about. But the idea that amongst them all a tick could have joined in the flesh feast is not out of the question.
Problem is, may be laughed out of the surgery if I try to bring it up as a suggestion. It is likely still in doctors minds, the American disease. It was just the list you drew up, and the fact my bloods are to date testing negative for lupus (nobody answered my post on the lupus site, if you fancy having a look). But the lupus people haven't seen me yet, if they are open minded and think it is not lupus I may try it as a suggestion. Is the diagnosis by blood test?
Wouldn't it be cool to have diagnosed me! You're pretty much on the nose with the symptoms, but other things can cause a lot of this too. If you know anything about testing please keep me posted
Thanks for the suggestion
wish
Talk about throwing a spanner in the works? You have just listed my symptoms. There are and have been for years issuses of tiny little clusters or rashes popping up at different parts of my body. There was a time, some years back, where one side of my face stopped moving. I just put it down to plain old ugliness.
This nearly constant low grade and ocassionally spiking fever is a big question mark. Again put it down to UTIs - how I love too diagnose and dismiss my symptoms. One of my problems, I will tell a doctor a symptom and then tell them what it is from and it how it can thus be ignored. They love that, takes the effort of thinking from them and they can dismiss it too. It's when you ask for help they get flustered, they can't cope with a large salary AND doing their job! Have to have a dig at the medical professsion evey post, my way of dealing with so much baggage they have left me with.
Actually did look up Lymes in the UK, and found it is around. Now I am the masked poster, never revealing who I am or where I'm from. But there is an element of my history which involved over a few years spending lengthy times in the woods and fields of our muddy wet little island, in very unsanitary conditions. Used to pick up some weird and wonderful infections and bites at that time, all part of the being young experience, and all shaken off and forgotten about. But the idea that amongst them all a tick could have joined in the flesh feast is not out of the question.
Problem is, may be laughed out of the surgery if I try to bring it up as a suggestion. It is likely still in doctors minds, the American disease. It was just the list you drew up, and the fact my bloods are to date testing negative for lupus (nobody answered my post on the lupus site, if you fancy having a look). But the lupus people haven't seen me yet, if they are open minded and think it is not lupus I may try it as a suggestion. Is the diagnosis by blood test?
Wouldn't it be cool to have diagnosed me! You're pretty much on the nose with the symptoms, but other things can cause a lot of this too. If you know anything about testing please keep me posted
Thanks for the suggestion
wish
I did exceed the limit again! I guess it's to keep people like me from going on and on!
I wanted to copy and paste stage two and three of lymes symptoms.
So here they are:
(second stage)
Being tired.
Additional skin rashes in several places on your body that develop as the infection spreads.
Pain, weakness, or numbness in the arms or legs.
Inability to control the muscles of the face (paralysis of the facial nerves).
Recurring headaches or fainting.
Poor memory and reduced ability to concentrate.
Conjunctivitis (pinkeye) or sometimes damage to deep tissue in the eyes.
Occasional rapid heartbeats (palpitations) or, in rare cases, serious heart problems.
(third stage)
Swelling and pain (inflammation) in the joints, especially in the knees.
Numbness and tingling in the hands, feet, or back.
Severe fatigue.
Partial facial nerve paralysis (Bell's palsy), which usually occurs within the first few months after the tick bite.2
Neurologic changes, including problems with memory, mood, or sleep and sometimes problems speaking.
Chronic Lyme arthritis, which causes recurring episodes of swelling, redness, and fluid buildup in one or more joints that last up to 6 months at a time.
Heart, nervous system, and joint symptoms may be the first signs of Lyme disease in people who did not have a rash or other symptoms of early infection.
I know this is off topic but thought since your thread was off topic mayeb it's okay to throw this in here??
I wanted to copy and paste stage two and three of lymes symptoms.
So here they are:
(second stage)
Being tired.
Additional skin rashes in several places on your body that develop as the infection spreads.
Pain, weakness, or numbness in the arms or legs.
Inability to control the muscles of the face (paralysis of the facial nerves).
Recurring headaches or fainting.
Poor memory and reduced ability to concentrate.
Conjunctivitis (pinkeye) or sometimes damage to deep tissue in the eyes.
Occasional rapid heartbeats (palpitations) or, in rare cases, serious heart problems.
(third stage)
Swelling and pain (inflammation) in the joints, especially in the knees.
Numbness and tingling in the hands, feet, or back.
Severe fatigue.
Partial facial nerve paralysis (Bell's palsy), which usually occurs within the first few months after the tick bite.2
Neurologic changes, including problems with memory, mood, or sleep and sometimes problems speaking.
Chronic Lyme arthritis, which causes recurring episodes of swelling, redness, and fluid buildup in one or more joints that last up to 6 months at a time.
Heart, nervous system, and joint symptoms may be the first signs of Lyme disease in people who did not have a rash or other symptoms of early infection.
I know this is off topic but thought since your thread was off topic mayeb it's okay to throw this in here??
Okay, you are from the UK! Good to know as things are drastically different over there with the medical system. I may have read that but can't remember. Iately I can't sleep nights so things easily escape me at this hour. I'm not working anyway so what's the difference:)
I haven't had a day off in years so it's nice in a way to catch up on TV shows and enjoy the nice crisp weather!
Getting off topic sorry. Anyway, Lymes Disease is systemic. Looking it up on the internet, typing in "Lymes Disease in the UK" I found that you guys do have it across the pond, but I am not sure how common it is especially if you live in a less wooded or grassy area like London. It would be harder to recieve a tick bite within a concreate jungle
There are three stages to lymes ranging from mild to severe of left untreated. Early Localized, early disseminated and late persistant. If there is any chance you have Lymes you would be in the second or third stage
Usually a rash is indicated but in some cases there is no report of a rash or someone has missed it or even brushed it off an an allergic reaction to detergant, clothing a new soap, etc.
If lymes has reached the later stages it is more difficult to treat and many times requires IV antibiotics regularly and sometimes regardless of how agressivly it's treated when finally found there are permanent damages.
But as you have never had a test I'm getting completely ahead of you here.
Anyway(I've never noticed how often I say "anyway")
Thank you for your offer to talk, that's really sweet of you and I may just need to do that as every day isn't a good one and some days I really don't know how I make it through what seem like never ending empty hours. It has gotten easier but never easy the way I hope it would be at this point!
I love meeting other psychologists and hearing some of there experience, especially in a different country and culture!
Hoping you're having a better night. I should stop writing before I exceed the limit again!
Amph
I haven't had a day off in years so it's nice in a way to catch up on TV shows and enjoy the nice crisp weather!
Getting off topic sorry. Anyway, Lymes Disease is systemic. Looking it up on the internet, typing in "Lymes Disease in the UK" I found that you guys do have it across the pond, but I am not sure how common it is especially if you live in a less wooded or grassy area like London. It would be harder to recieve a tick bite within a concreate jungle
There are three stages to lymes ranging from mild to severe of left untreated. Early Localized, early disseminated and late persistant. If there is any chance you have Lymes you would be in the second or third stage
Usually a rash is indicated but in some cases there is no report of a rash or someone has missed it or even brushed it off an an allergic reaction to detergant, clothing a new soap, etc.
If lymes has reached the later stages it is more difficult to treat and many times requires IV antibiotics regularly and sometimes regardless of how agressivly it's treated when finally found there are permanent damages.
But as you have never had a test I'm getting completely ahead of you here.
Anyway(I've never noticed how often I say "anyway")
Thank you for your offer to talk, that's really sweet of you and I may just need to do that as every day isn't a good one and some days I really don't know how I make it through what seem like never ending empty hours. It has gotten easier but never easy the way I hope it would be at this point!
I love meeting other psychologists and hearing some of there experience, especially in a different country and culture!
Hoping you're having a better night. I should stop writing before I exceed the limit again!
Amph
I learned a very very valuable lesson over these past couple of years, and that is that you cannot change other people. You can only change your reaction to them. You make a CHOICE whether to let it bother you or not. You know, that goes for all of us. Unfortunately, we all have illness that force us to change out lives and it is NOT EASY, I know first hand. However, there is alot of joy to be had out there as well, and we are all given a choice whether to succumb to the disease and/or unfairness of the world - or learn to be happy in SPITE of it. I know you are in a bad position with your docs and your job and with this situation. But nothing is going to change unless YOU change it. As unfair as people and life can be, it is only us that can make a choice to not let it bother us. A question I ask myself when I am upset with something is, "Is this giong to matter in 5 years from now?" Now, obviously, with our health - there are things that are upsetting no matter what. And there are times we need to be true to ourselves and have ourselves a goo cry, throw a dish or two, whatever it takes. But we cant STAY there...We owe it to ourselves (and some of us to the people who love us) to not let the disease consume us. But the other stuff - people, places and things....are things that we cannot change. A tough thing, I know, and I have to tell myself this lesson over and over again. But when I do let go and realize that there is nothing I can do to change the person, or situation, when I ACCEPT things, my life becomes SO MUCH easier!! I have the power to control how I will let people affect me. If this man is how you say he is, and gets a genuine thrill out of this situation, then what better response to give him than NO RESPONSE...If his goal is to upset you, and he sees that he cant - he will stop and move on to someone else. Show him and others that you can handle a situation with grace and class. You are an intelligent woman...no one is going to know this about you and be able to appreciate it unless you let go of all the animosity and make a decision to enjoy your life.
I hope you feel better soon.
Lauri
Amph - can I confess please. I haven't a clue what Lymes is! I thought it was something to do with tick bites or something and only in countries such as US. Need to look it up.
My cognitive functioning is the latest to 'go'. This is getting to be a real issue. I just can't name things, simple things. I have to describe them to people. I don't think it's anxiety, just like the word naming function is disrupted. Also when I talk I lose the thread of the conversation with the tiniest distraction.
Don't know if you know but I was a Psychologist too (tried to reply to a very distressing journal entry of yours, system crashed before I posted, but got to read your profile. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am sure you are still grieving terribly - PM me any time).
Am currently feeling dismissed again by my doctors, did you read my post on my eye hospital experience? I'll look at the Lymes, or tell me more if you know. Thanks for the idea.
All others who answered. I'm digesting all this. This cuts so deep with me couldn't even bring myself to respond. I have never been rendered helpless by disability, and had my choices so limited. The occupational therapist was to assess me for my eligibility for a transfer, but they rarely pass anyone for that, and she was talking more about making adaptations to my home. I hope they find the adaptations aren't feasible - the bathroom is the problem area and it is too small to change. Doubt they'll recommend a transfer. If I want to move I think I will have to find somewhere myself.
Found a place in the best possible area. Ideal. Rent good too. But is was so small the bedroom could fit a single bed and nothing else! Also it was at the top of a long narrow flight of stairs. Have to turn it down.
This situation has to break somehow. I agreee, the daily stress will make me worse. This 'person' does not give a dam. He probably enjoys the stimulation of destroying lives. The psychopathic personality is one I studied as part of my training. This conman wants stimulation I think, and what better way than by making lives suffer. He knows how to deal with everyone, and how to falsify accounts and information.
But his empire will berak eventually. I need to step away from his hold over me.
My cognitive functioning is the latest to 'go'. This is getting to be a real issue. I just can't name things, simple things. I have to describe them to people. I don't think it's anxiety, just like the word naming function is disrupted. Also when I talk I lose the thread of the conversation with the tiniest distraction.
Don't know if you know but I was a Psychologist too (tried to reply to a very distressing journal entry of yours, system crashed before I posted, but got to read your profile. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am sure you are still grieving terribly - PM me any time).
Am currently feeling dismissed again by my doctors, did you read my post on my eye hospital experience? I'll look at the Lymes, or tell me more if you know. Thanks for the idea.
All others who answered. I'm digesting all this. This cuts so deep with me couldn't even bring myself to respond. I have never been rendered helpless by disability, and had my choices so limited. The occupational therapist was to assess me for my eligibility for a transfer, but they rarely pass anyone for that, and she was talking more about making adaptations to my home. I hope they find the adaptations aren't feasible - the bathroom is the problem area and it is too small to change. Doubt they'll recommend a transfer. If I want to move I think I will have to find somewhere myself.
Found a place in the best possible area. Ideal. Rent good too. But is was so small the bedroom could fit a single bed and nothing else! Also it was at the top of a long narrow flight of stairs. Have to turn it down.
This situation has to break somehow. I agreee, the daily stress will make me worse. This 'person' does not give a dam. He probably enjoys the stimulation of destroying lives. The psychopathic personality is one I studied as part of my training. This conman wants stimulation I think, and what better way than by making lives suffer. He knows how to deal with everyone, and how to falsify accounts and information.
But his empire will berak eventually. I need to step away from his hold over me.
I just had a thought, most likely a pointless one to you but nevertheless thought I'd mention it incase no one ever has. Actually it wasn't my thought but someone mentioned if I'd ever been checked for lymes so I just thought of you and wondered if anyone has ever ran a lymes test on you.
I know it can cause a bunch of symptoms that over time can turn very serious and involve brain functioning, all of the nervious system, depression and anxiety.
In some I've heard that it remains undetected for so years, almost decades and can mimic tons of other diseases like MS, Lupus, fibromyalgia and lots others.
Like I said silly thought as I'm sure you have been check numerous times but couldn't log off until I mentioned it.
Your in my thoughts and prayers, I hope you don't mind if I say a prayer for you. Some people don't like that. Hope it doesn't offend you.
Amph
I know it can cause a bunch of symptoms that over time can turn very serious and involve brain functioning, all of the nervious system, depression and anxiety.
In some I've heard that it remains undetected for so years, almost decades and can mimic tons of other diseases like MS, Lupus, fibromyalgia and lots others.
Like I said silly thought as I'm sure you have been check numerous times but couldn't log off until I mentioned it.
Your in my thoughts and prayers, I hope you don't mind if I say a prayer for you. Some people don't like that. Hope it doesn't offend you.
Amph
Oh yes by no means am I even insinuating you're crazy. Infact just the opposite, harassment and extream stress can happen to all of us and every one of us has gone through a very dark time that feels impossible to pull ourselves out from so by no standard are you crazy just because talking to someone would benefit you.
When I finished my dissertation I was so stressed and fell into such a depression for some many different reasons that I had to go get help for myself and although it was a requirement of mine for my training along the way having to admitt that I actually needed it was an awful feeling. But that feeling turned into empowerment knowing I was doing the right thing.
It does really take more out of someone to stay in a situation that's causing so much pain than to start to make a change.
You have the strength to do this and you seem to have such great support around you that it could only make things better and not worse. Kathy obviously knows you alot better than I do so please reach out to your friends and think about taking their advice. My guess is they only want the best for you.
I know I've already gone on about this in my last post so I'll end now but with the hope that you will let the people who care about you help walk with you twords change.
Gosh do I sound over dramatic and gushy, not meaning to sorry. Your words have just touched me and I can feel your pain because I myself have gone through the darkest of tmes and know a little of how you must be feeling and don't want you to have to suffer that way.
When I finished my dissertation I was so stressed and fell into such a depression for some many different reasons that I had to go get help for myself and although it was a requirement of mine for my training along the way having to admitt that I actually needed it was an awful feeling. But that feeling turned into empowerment knowing I was doing the right thing.
It does really take more out of someone to stay in a situation that's causing so much pain than to start to make a change.
You have the strength to do this and you seem to have such great support around you that it could only make things better and not worse. Kathy obviously knows you alot better than I do so please reach out to your friends and think about taking their advice. My guess is they only want the best for you.
I know I've already gone on about this in my last post so I'll end now but with the hope that you will let the people who care about you help walk with you twords change.
Gosh do I sound over dramatic and gushy, not meaning to sorry. Your words have just touched me and I can feel your pain because I myself have gone through the darkest of tmes and know a little of how you must be feeling and don't want you to have to suffer that way.
I do believe that the best way to deal with toxic people; even pure evil in human form, is to get as far away from it as is possible.
I agree with Amphitrite, as I've told you before, that you should have a counselor or therapist to talk to. That of course would not mean that you were crazy; it would simply mean that you were smart enough to ask for help with the mental and physical anguish that you live with daily.
She is so right about what all that stress and anger can do to damage your body; and you have enough going on already.
I see that you saw that you had your visit with occupational therapy, but i just came online and haven't seen if you had posted anything about how that went. Is it possible for you to relocate? Really, being in a toxic situation, with toxic people, can rub off and make you feel your darkest.
As I've told you before, you deserve better. We've seen that you have light inside of you, waiting to shine out. You have the potential to live a much better life.
When you get your life situation settled, in a peaceful place with your pain issues and medication issues sorted out, maybe you could adopt a dog. They can't speak English like a child would, but they communicate so clearly with your heart. You could have the unconditional love that you crave. Once you have that love in your life, and things are getting lighter, who's to say that Mr. Right might not show up and share his thoughts and feelings and love with you?
Reach for hope, reach for light, reach for love.
Wishing you the best, as always,
Kathy
I agree with Amphitrite, as I've told you before, that you should have a counselor or therapist to talk to. That of course would not mean that you were crazy; it would simply mean that you were smart enough to ask for help with the mental and physical anguish that you live with daily.
She is so right about what all that stress and anger can do to damage your body; and you have enough going on already.
I see that you saw that you had your visit with occupational therapy, but i just came online and haven't seen if you had posted anything about how that went. Is it possible for you to relocate? Really, being in a toxic situation, with toxic people, can rub off and make you feel your darkest.
As I've told you before, you deserve better. We've seen that you have light inside of you, waiting to shine out. You have the potential to live a much better life.
When you get your life situation settled, in a peaceful place with your pain issues and medication issues sorted out, maybe you could adopt a dog. They can't speak English like a child would, but they communicate so clearly with your heart. You could have the unconditional love that you crave. Once you have that love in your life, and things are getting lighter, who's to say that Mr. Right might not show up and share his thoughts and feelings and love with you?
Reach for hope, reach for light, reach for love.
Wishing you the best, as always,
Kathy
I've seen a couple of your posts and am concerned for how much you seem to be suffering in pain physically and emotionally from this harassment you are describing. The pain can't be making things easier on you and I imagine it's amplifying everythhing else going on in your life.
Have you ever considered talking to someone professionally or trying something like an antidepressant? A therapost or counselor can help to give you a little more support. You seem to get very angry to the point that it interferes with how you feel and think and that I'm sure you know is terrible for your health, especially your heart and blood pressure. Even if you have never had any problems with either eventually you will if things keep up the way they are. Your body can't maintain this level of stress for too long and it can make pain and any other problems your having physically seem worse.
Anyway, I don't know you and obviously can't know everything from a few posts. But felt like I wanted to offer you my support because you seem to be having such a hard time for such a long time time now. You have the power to change things if you want to. Its hard and overwhelming to be going through so much but at some point you have to say enough is enough and take the negative that you can out from around you.
I think you just may benefit from talking to someone that can help give you even more support.
But I am sorry your having to experience all this discord with this man.
Have you ever considered talking to someone professionally or trying something like an antidepressant? A therapost or counselor can help to give you a little more support. You seem to get very angry to the point that it interferes with how you feel and think and that I'm sure you know is terrible for your health, especially your heart and blood pressure. Even if you have never had any problems with either eventually you will if things keep up the way they are. Your body can't maintain this level of stress for too long and it can make pain and any other problems your having physically seem worse.
Anyway, I don't know you and obviously can't know everything from a few posts. But felt like I wanted to offer you my support because you seem to be having such a hard time for such a long time time now. You have the power to change things if you want to. Its hard and overwhelming to be going through so much but at some point you have to say enough is enough and take the negative that you can out from around you.
I think you just may benefit from talking to someone that can help give you even more support.
But I am sorry your having to experience all this discord with this man.
I don't know you, but I think that you need to find a way to move. No matter what a hassle it is, or how much it costs, it can't be as bad as what you are going through. You need a fresh start. Your life will be better. And don't say you can't move, you can if you really want to. Take control of your life.
Salamander
Salamander
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