Do I have HOCD or am I just in denial that i'm homosexual?

[Brendan478]

I can't get the idea out of my head that i'm homosexual. To me it would make so much sense. I'm 15 and until now have felt like a completely heterosexual being. I guess I've had my experiences: I remember when i was about 11 me and my mate masturbated in the same room, but i was looking at a picture of a woman and him being there made it less arousing.

But since then, I've wanted only girls and I can't recall having a fantasy about any guys until this "HOCD" kicked in. But how do I know if that's what it is? What if I was always in denial about being gay. Maybe it would explain why I got so anxious and nervous about sexual activity with a girl. Maybe it would explain why I've always been a little bit more sensitve and more in touch with emotions than most blokes my age. Maybe it would explain why from such a young age (as long as i remember) I was worried about looking/acting gay. If i thought the way i spoke was gay i would make a concious effort to sound manly. If I thought I was laying in a girly way i would change the way i was laying.

I haven't mentioned this but when i was about 8 my dad told me that living in a house with three sisters and a mum and no man influence (my parents are divorced) would turn me gay. That hurt a lot and ever since then i haven't felt like a real man.

Maybe this would explain a repressed homosexuality, because i was so scared about my dad.

Although... I have had a couple of relationships, have always been aroused really easily over girls and don't recall ever looking at a guy and thinking "i wanna have sex with him" or "i wanna make out with him". I've had a girlfriend for the last 2 years and it was very serious. I honestly believe that I was in love as much as you can be at this age. We didn't have sex but when we got physical i always felt aroused.

That brings up the question.. what if i'm bisexual but i never realised it? I don't wanna be i just want to be normal.

I'll admit i look at guys with their top off and check their body out, usually admire them a lot or if i see an attractive guy i acknowledge it. i always have. does that mean i wanna get intimate with them?

I believe that the break up with my girlfriend set this obsession off, as one of the main catalysts is a traumatic end to a relationship. I have no doubt that my relationship ending was traumatic.. in fact i promised myself i would never get close to a girl again. I remember thinking "being gay would be easier than going through that again". I went out and hooked up with a couple of girls to move on from my ex but suddenly didn't want to anymore. and thats where the obsession started.

I started putting gay thoughts into my head but i couldn't get them out. they disgusted me and i was never aroused.  but my mind makes me believe that because i thought about it i got aroused. It's gotten to a point where I try with everything I have to be turned on by a guy. I put sexual thoughts into my head and try to masturbate. I always stop because something doesn't feel right.

I CONSTANTLY go into gay porn and look at the pictures to see if i get an erection. I never do but in my head I am. I go onto sites about homosexuality to see if things fit in, i go to the porn i used to always watch and use that to reassure myself, and i always go to sites about hocd. Nothing ever works though.

So am I gay??? Am I just in denial and finding a way to come out?
Or have I genuinely developed HOCD?

[Sweetheartgirl]

Hey guys I'm 20 years old, I've always been a girly girl I still am I have a boyfriend that I'm serious about I've always had crushes on boys ever since I can remember. I was never really supportive towards gay people or trangenders or anything like that but I have nothing against then I'm not homophobic or anything. I've had many boyfriend and slept with about 6 guys in total and I enjoyed everything about it. I've always dreamed about getting married to a guy and have a family, I always get excited and happy when my bf comes to see me but lately I have been feeling emotionless. About 2/3 ago I started having gay thoughts that I just couldn't stop. They made me really scarred and I would stop eating and puke up whenever I thought of becoming gay, I would sleep foe about 4 hours I would have gay Dreams and They scarred me even more because Why on earth would I have gay dreams? And that made me think I'm gonna become gay or Maybe I'm just a gay person in denial I swear to God I would rather die than be gay And one more thing I watched gay and lesbian porn n I when my hocd kicked in lesbian porn started to fight against me n made me think if I'm not a lesbian Why on earth did I. Watch lesbian porn and enjoyed it but I always felt disgusted after. Watching it and I find lesbian sad disgusting in real life no offense

[chingchong133]

Hi everyone,
I have been suffering from what I think is HOCD for around 4 months now. I have a girlfriend who I love dearly and have always been attracted to girls. I can notice if boys are "handsome" but not anything sexual. I'm a 14 year old male. I have been suffering from constant "gay thoughts" which disgust me and bother me all day. I am constantly wondering to my self if I'm gay all day when I know deep down I'm not. I would never want to be gay or have any pleasure out of the thought of being gay. It just dosent appeal to me, yet I have these unwanted thoughts which play on my mind all the time which dosent arouse me in anyway. It is really starting to bother me now. So if anyone could get back to me ASAP! That would be great. Thanks

[Usa17]

Can someone please reply to me asap!?

[Usa17]

hey benny,

I am going through what you are going EXACTLY. All my anxiety is gone and I am left confused on what I am, I would never want to be with a woman (I'm a girl) but my mind is telling me I am gay. I am not but my mind is confused cause I don't get anxiety anymore and the thought doesn't bother me anymore. I have a boyfriend and never wanna leave him. That's the thing that I am holding on to right now. Has anyone else felt that their anxiety is completely gone and they are convinced they have turned gay?

[itsgoingtobeokay]

uhm

[Ashneedshelp]

Could any1 help me

[Maljane]

I'm a girl with hocd.  I get the anxiety.  But for me I don't feel anything towards opposite sex once I started obsessing.  I think I feel a little something when I check with same sex which just fuels further anxiety.  It doesn't feel wrong but it doesn't feel right.  You know? And trying to put it out of my mind doesn't work.  I circle back to it.  I'm constantly aware of arousal.  It's ruining my life.  I started on anti depressants to try to wind my mind down.

[stressedashell]

Me to maybe with can both help the other out somehow except im a girl

[stressedashell]

Me too bro! I'm a girl and find the whole idea of being with a woman disgusting someone please help us both I wanna die in a hole!!!!  Like I know if a girl is pretty and stuff but I typically get jealous cuz I wish I looked like that. Then I wonder if I think she's hott? I get disgusted and then feel miserable. HELP!!! I'm fifteen about to turn sixteen this is not how I want to spend my birthday. Obsessing over this stuff!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!

[bennythejet]

I just can't tell what I am anymore.

[bennythejet]

Why won't this go away?

[bennythejet]

What are the differences between hocd or denial?

[JGF25]

Read below...this is what you are doing to yourself

Taken from the OCD Workbook:  Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD that I always recommend but nobody seems to ever buy.  

Intrusive thought --> Catastrophic appraisal of the thought --> Increased anxiety and worry --> Overcontrol strategies which include Vigilence (Could I really do it? and Covert rituals (testing) --> temporary anxiety reduction --> The cycle starts over again.  

"Primarily obsessional OCD begins with an intrusive, distressing thought that the person appraises in a particularly negative way.  In the person's mind, the thought is experienced as having the same reality or importance as an action.  As a result, the person attempts to avoid or suppress the thought.  This leads to various overcontrol strategies to reduce anxiety, including mental rituals.  While these strategies may reduce discomfort, the effect is only temporary, and then the cycle begins again."

Internet searches are a bad idea when you have any type of OCD because your glass is half empty right now and so you are going to key in on all the negative things you read.  If HOCD wasn't real, why are so many people suffering from it?  You have only to look on this forum to see that the majority of the posts are regarding HOCD.  

Horrific thoughts are what we with OCD come up with.  Horrific in the sense theat they are life altering because let's face it, if they were not, we wouldn't be bothered by them.  

You don't have a good handle on OCD and what it can do to you and you obviously don't have a handle on how to help yourself.  You need to see a counselor or at least your general practicition at this point.  Second guessing, testing, all that stuff is only going to continue to make things worse.  You have only to look at the progression chart I posted above to know that.  AND you had a gay man chime in...what more reassurance do you need?  You are stuck in this cycle and you need to get out of it now so call your doctor.  

[bennythejet]

When these people say they have urges or a wanting to do something what do they mean like I dont have those all I have is a fear I'm going to find a man sexlly attractive?

[bennythejet]

I keep reading on this website called EC that HOCD does not exist? Im sorry if it doesnt then have I been living a lie?

[bennythejet]

Explain why my attraction to every single female is gone no matter how hot they are? Im forcing myself to check everyone out and get anxiety from every single guy I see but every girl I see makes me feel numb?

[bennythejet]

Here's the thing I've read so many other things that says that the majority of HOCD suffers are themselves gay and just dont want to be so badly that they've made it up?

[bennythejet]

Its defintely not helping I understand gibe it time lol but here's the thing I know how irrational this thinking is because i simply think I've turned gay because I was talking to a gay man?

[JGF25]

The idea here is to become desensitized to it.  You want to be able to say "whatever."  You will be repulsed, then you will be "this is a flipping chore" and then "why am I wasting my time on this anymore?"  

[bennythejet]

I know I changed my college choice and picked one 30 minutes away but now the only stress I have is this thing and tbh I feel like its has turned me gay. I dont notice women like I used to and am constantly seeing if im sexually attracted to every man and get major anxiety from it? its scares me to think that I'm having this problem now its ruining everything I'm at the point where either my head shuts up or I completely shut it off. I've tried doing that it just causes anxiety and I cant do it for more than a few seconds without being repulsed by the idea but then again the repulsive feeling is going away so im done.

[JGF25]

Stress sets OCD off....and so it makes perfect sense that your HOCD started when this big stressor happened.  As far as relationship advice goes, if you are not married to this girl then you should be in college.  If your girlfriend doesn't want you to go, too bad.  If you are in a committed relationship then you can continue it long distance.  My boyfriend way back when, cause I'm old, said he wanted to join the Navy but wouldn't do it if I wouldn't wait for him....I broke up with him.  I didn't want to be the deciding factor in what he did with his life.  It didn't work out for us but that is not to say that it won't work out for you.  

Try the "exposure therapy."  Each day go into a room, close your eyes and imagine yourself with a man and I bet that you will see that it is not for you each and every time.  Each time you do it, you will be taking the fear out of the thought.

[bennythejet]

Im not in college yes i got accepted but cant go because my gf doesnt want me to that caused me a lot of stress and then that same day this happened to me? I know and it does help hearing its just getting so hard for me to fight this and I cant because my mind wont shut off.

[JGF25]

You said you are in college....go and make an appointment with a school counselor because you are suffering from OCD in my opinion and it does lead to increased anxiety and then depression when it is left untreated.  You just heard from a gay man what it is like to be gay and to know it and to accept it.  You cannot get more proof than that that heterosexuals don't just wake up one day and start liking the same sex and homosexuals don't wake up one day and and start liking the opposite sex.  Please, please seek help because this is completely treatable.  

Thank you justaquestion91....it would be great if you could hang around and possibly answer some other HOCD posts.  I think it holds more weight coming from a gay man than from a heterosexual woman even though I too had HOCD at one point in my life.  Thanks again.  

[bennythejet]

Do i even have OCD? There's no anxiety and I understand anxiety goes away but my brain is just completely confusing me and I fear that my therapist will say I dont have it and that Im just in some deep denial about this whole or Ill get the wrong kind of therapy as the therapy I'm getting now its simply just talking.....