HOCD and past make me gay?

[ladyearth]

I been suffering from major OCD for going on 10 months now, it first started off as ROCD and gradually made it's way into HOCD. For the last three months I was free of my HOCD because my boyfriend left and I was more concerned with my love for him and getting him back. Just weeks ago I was suffering from ROCD again and only now does my HOCD decide to slip back and make me doubt...why?

Because I did something in my past, that is normal for others and would throw aside as just normal experimenting for fun or they were drunk. I and my old friend of mine had some fun when we were teens and it lasted for a year, all it was, was us kissing, groping and what not. Nothing ever below the waist. It stopped because we stopped being friends and I often thought about the things we could have done together. I've also had same-sex fantasies about my friends and watch lesbian porn and this messes with my head.

problem is, in my teen years till my OCD started I honestly believed I was bi-sexual because I also loved men. I've always wanted male attention. I've always wanted my boyfriends attention. I can remember all my crushes on boys, especially celebrities like AJ from the backstreet boys or Orlando Bloom. Hell I even had my own box of love letters to orlando when I was a child I had him plastered around my room. I was also into anime, so I loved cute anime boys and had them plastered everywhere as well.

I also have a problem with the fact that I don't always find certain men attractive, I've always had my own taste, especially for high cheekbones and strong bone structures, long or curly hair and beards.

How can a woman whose love beards on men and found them sexy, be fully gay?

But I can't see the logic of it all.

Because it goes back to the things I've done. Even when I was 7 and my mom was babysitting her friends daughter, she and I took a shower together now I know it's not abnormal for kids to bath together it's fine it's nothing sexual right? But I remember saying "It's okay for girls to kiss, because we're all family"

I know it's not abnormal for straight women to kiss their friends, I've seen my mom do it on many occasions and seen it on tv as a simple greeting and such.

But I can't shake that. Same-sex play is not abnormal as children. Especially when one plays the dad and the other plays the mom in games and such.

I've loved kisisng and being with my boyfriend in the past but now I can't remember how I was with him before all this started. I can think of having sex with a man and enjoy it. For years I've never wondered what it would be like to date a woman but I have had thoughts of what it would be like to date certain men I've known. Even now when images of being with a woman pop into my head, it's centered around that one girl I experimented with...

If I'm bi like I always just accepted as a possibility, I don't care! Yay I'm bi so what!

It's being fully gay that I do not want because it's never something that crossed my mind ever before.

Even when I picture myself with my boyfriend I get anxious, and I get this thought "Pretend he's a woman" and instead of feeling anxious I get this calm feeling!?

I've even obsessed once "What if I'm gay and my OCD made me think I was straight all along?"

When I thought all of this was a brain tumour I obsessed "What if I get it removed and I find out I;m gay?"

Look, I have nothing against gays, I'm VERY open minded and have been raised that way. I even have gay, lesbian and bi friends. And I accept them and love them for who they are.

Bi is fine with me I can still enjoy the men I've always found attractive. But now....even accepting the thoughts makes me scared, I will go "I am gay, yes I am gay" and I don't know how I react to it anymore. I miss when I wasn't obsessing about it. I prefer my ROCD over this. God, I will live happily with my ROCD over this!

I no longer have any anxiety to my thoughts cept a minor spike here and there and even then I wonder what is a spike. stupid backdoor spikes! I want to forget all about this and just live a normal life

[Iwillgetbetter]

I know it's all in my head and in a way it's good it was a female not a male that could of thrown me off even more the lady I worked with is gay so maybe thats why that particular thought came to me especially as it happened at work I know that it's my OCD the more bad things you think the deeper the fear becomes and you feel yourself becoming empty

[Iwillgetbetter]

Let me tell you about me :( I am straight and was confident in who and what I was I knew men and women who were gay and never felt werid or around them or second guest myself

I am currently engaged before i was engaged at the start of my relationship I had feelings I have never had before I felt like I was on top of the world and nothing could ever bring me down I knew after a couple of weeks I ha found the one but ofcourse it took me time a couple of weeks to really feel the love and know he is for me once I got to that stage the most terrible thing happened

I was at work and all night i was thinking about my fianace all night in a romantic way i imaged me and him together forever i had a thought of me and him together and then walked out to the front of my work and saw this lady who I didn't even find attractive she was very masculine but what ever thought I had in my head with me and my finance at that point the lady was there i asked myself what if it was with her and then because I thought that I imaged it in my head which made it worse because I then told myself omg how can I think that of a women

I went home that night and I  was okay i told myself it was just a thought it didn't throw me off at all i still felt good in the youforik ( not sure how you spell it but it means feeling a natural High) stage i was in and couldn't wait to go home n speak to my now finance

The next day I woke up like my heart was ripped out I then watch tv that day and went out for coffe I would see women n doubt myself and then picture a thought in my head to see how I would feel and then compare the same thought with a man and see how I felt

Then after that other doubts came about
My finance doesn't love me
I am gay
Stupid things like that this happened nearly 2 years ago and I still feel empty I tell myself If I don't touch the table 3 times I'll be ugly or my finance will leave me or friends or family are trying to harm me and my relationship

I feel so empty and anger I felt so good and then was shattered by a thought that's not even true which has triggered all these other doubts I saw a sypchologist and she said this happened because I was in a youforik stage and was deeply in love my body and brain let go and I wasn't in control do my mind threw in a thought as a defense meganisem

My realtionship suffers from my stupid OCD I sometimes make things slot bigger than what they are and I am always angry and have moved away from alot of people

I cannot go on like this it's terrible I want uo feel the love I have for my finance and I want uo feel the love he was for me

[ladyearth]

I try not letting it get to me. I know when all this started it was because of ROCD that mutated to HOCD, I was worrying for weeks recently about it after being three and a half months free and now again. What's worse it's making me sick all the worrying and stress and I don't even try to stress about it. If I'm attracted to women so be it, but I want to be attracted to men as well, I always liked my attraction to men.

But I was different then some women. Where all my friends would gush and say they would have sex with his and that man I never did. I'd just nod and agree they were good looking.

Now I can't even think of sex with my boyfriend when in the past I could. Even the thought of sex annoys me right now.

I try picture my wedding in my head, the wedding I want with him and have for years. A medieval theme in the rockies, at a ski resort in the summer, when I walk down the asile I see a groom, not a woman.

I want to forget my past.

What confuses me if how can a brain tell me I'm gay when I love beards, and have for most my life with my attraction to men. Unlike everyone else I know who love clean shaven men I love a man with a beard

[worriedworry]

Female sexuality is less overt than male. Whereas a man looks at a woman and thinks of having sex with her, (in most cases) a woman looks at a man and imagines having a relationship with him. This is normal and to get in a sexual frame of mind (most) women have to develop a relationship with the man and have some kind of contact initiated. THis act of getting "turned on" initiates female sexual desire, which I think you have experienced before.

I think your memories of this childfriend are where your OCD is kicking in. You are idealizing this experience. I think its fine to remember that relaitionship fondly. I also think its find if you discover some same sex attraction because that can become a perfectly healthy and satisfying complement to your sex life. But try not to ruminate on this or a fear of becoming "totally gay." its clear (from the outside) that men trigger some major feelings of attraction in you and you really desire a relationship with a man.

[ladyearth]

I try to accept that. I've read about it so many times that sexality is more fluid in women. But thing is I dont get sexual feelings just by looking at a man, I can feel attraction yes, and I've always been shy around men and loved their attention. Even when I pick ourt clothes I thought for a second what my boyfriend would think of me. I've loved teasing him.

Thing is, the only image I get in my head about a woman is the girl I experimented with. I can't even think of kissing another girl and that's the problem with all this. Dont get me wrong I loved that girl I experimented with but she was like a sisterly best friend at the time. But there is no logic

[worriedworry]

You are straight. But even if you were gay, who cares as long as you are happy? Do what feels right and don't worry about expectations. Also if you don't have sexual feelings about women, but do about men then you are most likely straight, but also remember that sexuality is a more fluid concept in women than it is in men. And these days its more fluid than ever. Feel free to experiment with all kinds of relationships and do what makes you happy.

[ladyearth]

I want to stand by the statement, "I fell in love with the person, not the gender"  but it bothers me. I can't picture myself with a woman, I picture myself dating and marrying and loving a man. But when it comes to sex, yes I can picture it, but only if it's done to me not me doing anything to them. I don't get it.

Why can't I just enjoy my fantasies while living my reality loving a man? Rather then living with this pressure building inside my head and this constant broken record and images.

[ladyearth]

Might I also add, when I think of a woman in the past it was never doing anything to them. It was always to me! I cant and never pictured going down on a woman and such but I have pictured going down on my boyfriend and hell his moaning turned me on more then once. This just doesn't make sense to me anymore