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HOCD or Denial. PLEASE READ AND RESPOND

Okay this is my whole story i am not hiding anything. I am a 17 year old male. Ever since i was a little kid i always looked at and noticed girls whether it was in the classroom, my teachers, or models. I discovered porn in like 5/6 grade and loved it. All straight and lesbian stuff. Gay stuff would always gross me out. I never even thought it was possible that a guy could be good looking. I always used to say wow if i was a girl id be lesbian because guys are gross. In MS i dated two girls one i dated for a year and a half and loved her so much. It was ready for that to end and when i was around 16 i was with another girl. This is when it all started. She talked about a guy being attractive and I said how can a guy be attractive i dont know what you mean. Then all of the sudden I saw a guy and said yeah i guess hes a good lookiing dude and this is when it all began. i would constantly go on websites and look at guys and see if i was attracted to them. Then i would walk around school (all boys school) and get high anxiety whenever i saw a decent looking guy. This happened for 3 motnhs and then went away when I thought i almsot got my gf pregnant and that scared me so much that i guess i frogot about the gay thing. So after a while i was back to my old self and realized ok some guys r good looking guys does not make me gay. So around 6 months from that which is mid july of this year I saw a guy and i noticed that he was a handsome dude. That scared the **** out of me and i could not stop looking at him to see if i was attracted. Then i went on vacation for a month at the beach and the shirtless guys on the beach i would keep checking to see if i was attracted to and i would get high levels of anxiety and stress. The weird thing is whenever i would have dreams they would always be girls. This high level of stress would cause me to check by using porn (bad idea). Because of the high anxiety and stress it causaed me to get an erection and finish. This caused me even more stress. once i settled down and looked at it again tho after having an erection the erection went down once i started looking at it again. i realize porn is not a good source however because it is erotic and its job is to make u have an erection. That still brings me stress tho. I go through countless hours a day thinking of scenarios and stressing myself out to see if i would like the scenarios when i know i dont. i have alwways been straight and it is my intention to stay that way. there is nothing wrong with gay people i used to be homophobic but now i realize it is not there choice and i dont have a problem with  them its just not me. I have another gf rn who i think i am in love with and she is very supportive of me as i have told her the situation. i also get some kind of ocd with her where i over think to the point where she might not like me or if i am really attracted to her when i know for a fact she loves me and i am very attracted to her. These thoughts are toruting me and ruining my life and I just wnat to know what you guys all think. What do you thikn this is. i would really really appreciate an answer. Thanks so much guys.
1 Responses
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.....while I would love to diagnose you on the forum, we are not qualified to do so.  I know you have posted previously and I'm sure we have talked.  Have you sought out the help of a therapist yet?  
13 Comments
We have not talked actually. I would not like a diagnosis I would just like to know  what you think your own personal opinion. I've talked to my girlfriend about it and she's really supportive and thinks I should tell my parents but I'm 17 and it's an uncomfortable position to talk to my parents about honestly. I know it's not true I know who I am but it's just a weird convo.
I understand but if you do have OCD it could be HOCD today and something else tomorrow.  So you would need a diagnosis and a treatment plan in place.  As for your parents, you don't have to tell them exactly what you are having a problem with but just that you are having anxiety and would like to talk to someone.  Would that work?  HOCD is very common for people with OCD actually.  I had it myself and I was married at the time.  People with OCD are always looking for closure on the thoughts that they cannot get rid of so we torture ourselves with thoughts where closure is not easily attained.  If I think what if I hit someone with  my car on the way home (people do think this way), then you can go out and scan the area for bodies (yes people do this too).  After a few days of looking and not seeing anything, they can move on until the next thought.  In the above scenario they have given into the thought and went out looking.  BAD...VERY BAD.  You cannot give in to the thoughts.  You need to let them wash over you like they were nothing.  So you wake up every day and you say outloud "I'm gay" and then move on with your life.  Just because you say it doesn't make it so but what it does do is it makes it so that it becomes boring for you.  Same thing day in and day out and you should be able to move on.  But if you say the thought out loud and then sit there and ruminate about it, it isn't ever going to go away because you don't have the necessary tools to help yourself move on.  That is where the therapist comes in.  
That makes sense i guess I'm just scared that it won't work or something. Im planning on telling my parents and ive discussed with my girlfriend who i love it is just so hard. Like idk ive been ok the last few days with HOCD because idk whats helping me is telling myself I'm in control and that I'm not scared anymore cuz ik i control myself and I'm never gonna act on the thoughts. I mean how ridiculous is it that just because i can say a guys a handsome guy means I'm gay and makes me start checking everything i do. It is so dumb and bizarre. The last few days i have dealt with anxiety about my relationship. I sometimes get stressed and scared that she won't like me or that I'm not gonna enjoy something that i know i do enjoy. I stress about school as well and how perfect and how i have to have a set schedule. These are other minor things i deal with behind the Major outlook Of what i believe is HOCD. I mean i have \been interested in girls since i was a little kid... Anyway idk it is just a tough situation and scary thinking about telling my parents i need help. Cuz i know theyre gonna ask what r ur issues what stresses u out. and i dont want to say it because of how ridiculous it sounds. I mean i love being with girls its just who i am and theyre gonna think I'm crazy.
Yes,,,,OCD thoughts are ridiculous which is why it is called "irrational thinking."  But what I'm reading.....anxiety about relationship, afraid of losing joy for something you do enjoy, stress about school and perfectionism.  You deem these things minor...I deem them OCD.  You are sweeping them under the carpet because you have found a way to live with them, a way of coping with them so you don't see them for what they are which is OCD.  You are stuck on the one thing you cannot find closure on or an answer for.  You are doing well in that you are trying to take back control.  OCD is a war we fight with our own mind.  So, if you need to talk to your parents then perhaps you can start with the things you have somewhat done well with but still persist...stress about school and perfectionism.  Don't get me wrong...OCD can also be helpful.  For me it helps me to think ahead, plan for future pitfalls both in my personal life and in my job.  That can be a good thing.  But driving down the road and thinking I'm going to up and go blind...well that is the ridiculousness of it all.  Remember...everybody's OCD is different.  I'm still not diagnosing you but rather just going by what you are telling me.  I do think you have OCD but I'm not a qualified professional to diagnose you which is why it is important to get in to see a psychologist.  NOT a psychiatrist because they don't usually do talk therapy and CBT training.  Let me know how it goes.  And BTW...you are talking to a "parent".  My kids are a few years older than yours.  We understand more than you think!  :)  
ok thankyou so much. my dad has always said i need to stress less. even my guidance counselor they say i get worked up and i just need to relax. Thankyou and ill get back to u when i decide to tell them
Sounds like a plan!  Good luck :)
Oh if you can answer this for some reason I get the thoights sometimes and I get really stressed and other times I don't and I'm like oh I'm getting better. And then when I feel I'm getting better the thought comes back and says ur not stressing anymore cuz u like it and then that's what makes me uncomfortable. Is that something that happens?
Also should I stop going on stupid forums I feel like they help a little bit and then stress me out even more
Some guy just told me it wasn't HOCD on a forum and that I don't know what that is and that I'm just insecure and that gave me the biggest spike and made this ten times worse. I don't understand why he would say that with what my story is but it's really stressing me out.
Reassurance...reassurance seeking only lasts for a short time and then you will be back in the cycle of OCD.  Overanalyzing...brings you right back to OCD thinking.  That guy on the other forum may not even understand OCD and how it affects our thinking.  I'm telling you that if you said out loud right now "I'm gay" and you don't want to run out and get a boyfriend, then you cannot possibly be gay.  You may sit here and overanalyze and overthink this...do yourself a favor and don't.  Think about how the body reacts...or how yours used to react when you weren't having these HOCD spikes.  Did you have to think about it when a pretty girl walked by or did you just notice her and your body reacted?  I know mine does when I see a good looking guy.  There is no thought involved.  Now if I'm in an HOCD crisis and I'm second guessing everything...there is nothing natural about it right.  I can try to convince myself that I felt something and I get confused but the reality is I'm forcing it.  I know deep down that I'm heterosexual based on my chemical makeup...based on my genetics which cannot change no matter what I think.  
Yes exactly before this all happened i would always think ew thats gross how could another guy ever be with another guy. I dont even know how guys can be attractive then look at girls all day. So i mean this is so ridiculous.
i was always a typically teenage guy make the occasional gay jokes laugh about it have girlfriends love life love my girlfriends only think about that.
why sometimes tho like ill have a compulsion and ill be like ok obviously thats gross and i dont like it and then a little while later my mind will telll me i like it and i want to do that or perform it when I know i dont.
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