Aa
I feel like giving up at this point.
I really just don't know what to do. I'm a girl and I'm 16 and I don't know if this is really hocd anymore or if I've just been using it as an excuse. I've posted questions on here so many times and I've been told repeatedly that everything I've worried about is typical OCD thinking but it just won't stick i guess. So here I go again.
I've gone to therapy before but ther furthest I got with talking about my fears was how one time to my therapist some of my fears like being terrified because my mom made a joke about tapeworm and for whatever reason my mind said "you have tapeworm" and I cried for a whole 2 hours and how the thoughts stuck with me 24/7 for two months straight. But then immediately after that meeting I decided I didn't want to go back so I haven't. I was also taking Prozac for almost 4 months but I haven't had it since like...maybe December? It's been a while since I stopped and ever since Ive felt like my anxiety and "ocd" has gone spiraling out of control.
As I've said before, hocd has been bothering me forever. And I guess I just scared myself again by something.
I understand that I'm only 16. I have a long life ahead of me. I don't have to be in love with every guy I see walking down the street. But my mind tells me I have to be or else I'm not straight. The thing is, I've liked male actors and fictional characters for as long as I can remember. I've ALWAYS imagined dating/marrying those actors/characters growing up. But I think the hocd sort've began around 7th or 8th grade when I worried about how I was only attracted to fictional guys and I thought "am I asexual/aromantic?" But then told myself that "no, I'm 13. it'll happen when it happens." Except it never did. Or at least not yet. Maybe.
I think I've had at least 2 maybe 3 crushes on real people (like people I go to school with or whatever). And that should be proof enough for myself that I'm straight. But I can't tell if my thoughts are my own or just because of OCD. Because now I'm worrying again about not getting crushes on anyone and I'm like "oh but what about him?" But then I quickly switch to "no that might not have been real." And I'm starting to believe it.
I don't know how to explain it. I could right an entire novel where I just ramble on about all of this but it'll never truly explain how confused I feel. Because I feel now like I'm just not ever going to be attracted to anyone and I'll just die alone. Right now I'm like stuck between fearing I'm asexual/aromantic but also fearing that I'm gay. And I don't want either.
I'm not officially diagnosed with OCD yet. So I don't know for sure if I'm even actually mentally ill or just in denial or something. All of this is driving me crazy and I feel like just killing myself because it's not ever going to stop.
I've gone to therapy before but ther furthest I got with talking about my fears was how one time to my therapist some of my fears like being terrified because my mom made a joke about tapeworm and for whatever reason my mind said "you have tapeworm" and I cried for a whole 2 hours and how the thoughts stuck with me 24/7 for two months straight. But then immediately after that meeting I decided I didn't want to go back so I haven't. I was also taking Prozac for almost 4 months but I haven't had it since like...maybe December? It's been a while since I stopped and ever since Ive felt like my anxiety and "ocd" has gone spiraling out of control.
As I've said before, hocd has been bothering me forever. And I guess I just scared myself again by something.
I understand that I'm only 16. I have a long life ahead of me. I don't have to be in love with every guy I see walking down the street. But my mind tells me I have to be or else I'm not straight. The thing is, I've liked male actors and fictional characters for as long as I can remember. I've ALWAYS imagined dating/marrying those actors/characters growing up. But I think the hocd sort've began around 7th or 8th grade when I worried about how I was only attracted to fictional guys and I thought "am I asexual/aromantic?" But then told myself that "no, I'm 13. it'll happen when it happens." Except it never did. Or at least not yet. Maybe.
I think I've had at least 2 maybe 3 crushes on real people (like people I go to school with or whatever). And that should be proof enough for myself that I'm straight. But I can't tell if my thoughts are my own or just because of OCD. Because now I'm worrying again about not getting crushes on anyone and I'm like "oh but what about him?" But then I quickly switch to "no that might not have been real." And I'm starting to believe it.
I don't know how to explain it. I could right an entire novel where I just ramble on about all of this but it'll never truly explain how confused I feel. Because I feel now like I'm just not ever going to be attracted to anyone and I'll just die alone. Right now I'm like stuck between fearing I'm asexual/aromantic but also fearing that I'm gay. And I don't want either.
I'm not officially diagnosed with OCD yet. So I don't know for sure if I'm even actually mentally ill or just in denial or something. All of this is driving me crazy and I feel like just killing myself because it's not ever going to stop.
im so sorry you're feeling this way. if you get a chance, read through this book http://freepdfxdownload.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/free-pdf-overcoming-obsessive-thoughts.html
ive been through this, and i was exactly the same as you, always falling for the guy in the movies, dreaming about when it was going to be me, but when it came to real life, i was terrified about boys. i didn't know what to do or say, they were completely foreign to me and the thought of dating a real one made me scared to be quite honest because i didnt know what i was doing. my first hit of hocd was when i was 16 like you and it hit me like a tonne of bricks just suddenly one question that i couldnt let go of 'am i gay'. terrifying and horrible. its like my brain brought back random memories and events from my past as proof it was hard not to just believe it. the one thing to remember is that ocd is all about uncertainty and fear. and the only way to get over it is to understand and accept that you cant have 100% certainty all the time. the reasons these thoughts come back again and again are because you're giving them a meaning and substance when you get fear from them if that makes sense. the best thing to do is laugh at the thoughts, agree with them and just answer every question with a 'yeah that's right im gay'. i know that sounds like the opposite of what you should do but believe me it works. strip away the fear and the thoughts will go too. i was exactly like you, i felt as though i had to act and be completely straight or else i wasn't. when i was younger i even thought that i couldn't even acknowledge that a girl was pretty because that was what lesbians did/thought and i wasn't one! im slowly learning how silly that was and laugh at it. i hope this helps in some way!
ive been through this, and i was exactly the same as you, always falling for the guy in the movies, dreaming about when it was going to be me, but when it came to real life, i was terrified about boys. i didn't know what to do or say, they were completely foreign to me and the thought of dating a real one made me scared to be quite honest because i didnt know what i was doing. my first hit of hocd was when i was 16 like you and it hit me like a tonne of bricks just suddenly one question that i couldnt let go of 'am i gay'. terrifying and horrible. its like my brain brought back random memories and events from my past as proof it was hard not to just believe it. the one thing to remember is that ocd is all about uncertainty and fear. and the only way to get over it is to understand and accept that you cant have 100% certainty all the time. the reasons these thoughts come back again and again are because you're giving them a meaning and substance when you get fear from them if that makes sense. the best thing to do is laugh at the thoughts, agree with them and just answer every question with a 'yeah that's right im gay'. i know that sounds like the opposite of what you should do but believe me it works. strip away the fear and the thoughts will go too. i was exactly like you, i felt as though i had to act and be completely straight or else i wasn't. when i was younger i even thought that i couldn't even acknowledge that a girl was pretty because that was what lesbians did/thought and i wasn't one! im slowly learning how silly that was and laugh at it. i hope this helps in some way!
I agree with 123tushar07. One can't stop Prozac without weaning off of it. It can cause problems by stopping it. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. You do need to see a doctor and tell them what is happening. The doctor can help you. I hope you have someone you can talk to about this and get care ASAP. I think that many people feel the way you do. Some to a lesser extent, some to more. Take care of yourself.
Dee
Dee
I think you need to take proper treatment for a longer time than you have taken, you have taken only one session with therapist and also you stopped taking medicine on your own.
you need to take the treatment seriously otherwise ocd can make you feel disabled in every aspect of life. I think you need to start fresh in your treatment, you should see a psychiatrist.
you need to take the treatment seriously otherwise ocd can make you feel disabled in every aspect of life. I think you need to start fresh in your treatment, you should see a psychiatrist.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.
