ocd has gone off the rocker again

[OcdJohn]

I'm in tears right now....

I seriously can't do this ocd **** any more.

I've been threw it all the STDs,Hiv,Hocd,cancer,thinking I was attracted to kids.

Its like in one day I had a reoccurring event for them all the HIV stuck all I did was shake a gay guys hand and my gf said he's cool and he has HIV. I now fear that I scrathed him and the diease got under my finger nails and with no form of air under my nails and no way to enter my body it will be stuck under there forever and I'll effect people without knowing...yeah its gotten there.

I've never seemed true professional help..i need it. Alot. What steps should I take? I usually get over it but it seems like every year at this time I relapse with something new or something old. Can it be beat?

[JGF25]

Yes, it can be beat but you are right in that you do need to seek professional help.  I think we are able to cope for a while but then it becomes a chore and completely exhausting  because we don't want to live this way for the rest of our lives.  So seek out a psychologist that teaches CBT and perhaps a psychiatrist for meds but you can go over that with the psychologist so that you can start on the path to getting better.  I say you can get better because I got better and trust me, there isn't anything in your list above that I haven't irrationalized myself and then some that you haven't even thought of yet.  

[OcdJohn]

Its good to kno I can get help. Do the meds help? Annnd I can't find a psychiatrist in my location would therapy and being medicated by my family Dr be as effective?

[JGF25]

I started with a psychologist and learned CBT and then went on medication through a psychiatrist.   I went off meds for a number of years but when I went back on them, I did it through my family doctor.  I knew what I needed and he is also very good with psych meds.  So start with the psychologist for therapy.  If she/he thinks you would benefit from meds, then you can talk to your family doc about prescribing it to you.  I think it is much more common now (anxiety, OCD) that GPs are much better than they used to be at knowing about these meds.  You need to do some research though about the different meds.  There are SSRIs and SNRIs.  Usually SSRIs are prescribed.  They all have side effects...maybe weight gain, some interfere with the libido, etc.  I went for the SNRI which has the least side effects in my mind...but do your research.  The one I take is Wellbutrin.  I also take a benzo, klonopin, at night to sleep.   Good luck and keep me posted on your positive progress!  

Oh and do you have The OCD Workbook?  

[OcdJohn]

Nope I have no handbook. I'm gonna contact more psychologist tomorrow the one that has contacted me back isn't open til Feb..i need help and therapy now. So ill continue to research. I can't even focus on anything cause the ocd has gotten so bad...anxiety isbthe worst

[JGF25]

Do you have an Ereader?    When my OCD was completely off the hook about a year and a half ago...I downloaded the book Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani and I read that thing like there was no tomorrow and I practiced the techniques in the book.  The OCD Workbook may be a download but I actually ordered that from Amazon.  I highly recommend something since you may have to wait a while to get to the psych doctor.  Also, if it is that bad, maybe go and see your GP and see what his/her take on it is.  Maybe they can prescribe the benzo for now just to give you some relief.  It sounds like you are in desperate need of a break if you are crying.  I sat in my GPs office and completely came apart so don't feel bad.  

Also, try this when the anxiety is bad...take a deep breath in through your nose and hold it for 5 seconds and count this out in your head.  Then let it all out through your mouth.  You can do it in any position and in any place and nobody will even know you are doing it but it is nice to do it laying down with your hands on your stomach so you can feel the rise and fall of it.  Also, try a few meditation videos from YouTube.  I found one online, I will try to find the link and send it to you, that had me feeling like I was part of the couch when I was done.  

[OcdJohn]

Thanks!

[OcdJohn]

I set an appointment next Thursday with a psychologist. I decided to write down everything I've had ocd about.. The list shocked me.

-When I was young I would stress for days about going to hell. I remember my grandpa would put a rag on my head and tell me yo breath.
- When I was in high school infrared the end of the world so I bad I had to force myself to take Nyquil to sleep.
-I had a hookup during a breakup where the girl told me she had Hsv2 and I stressed over that for 3 months and it ended my 3 1/2 relationship cause the girl couldn't stand my OCD(at the time I didn't know what it was..i stressed over all stds( I feel like this is what started it being unbearable)
-later the same yr I went to the hospital twice a week for month or so cause I thought I had cancer I went tons dentist cause i thought I had mouth cancer..ive never had a cavity and then went to a dermatologist cause i thought I had skin cancer...i know..i had a colonoscopy at 20 cause my mind told me I had blood in my stool never did..

-Year passes I have the HIV fear I couldn't touch people washed my hands every 5-10 mins...it was hard to beat really hard.
-Last year was the worst one..hocd...oh man I fought like hell with that one..worst 3-4 months of my life..suicide contemplating and all that. Pocd was bad too I secluded myself..

I also have sufferd from bulimia since high school...bout 6-7 years.

I hide this very very well all of it. I'm the mans man..the popular kid..but little does everyone know I'm crazy lol.

anyway after looking over the list I was in shock how long I've put this off. I truly am excited to beat this. I think I need medicated. But I wanna try therapy and learn first..  

[OcdJohn]

Sorry its so long.. Is there any research to ocd only happening around certain times of the year like the summer time I have no ocd..at all I can touch blood..no thoughts..have unprotected sex no thoughts..winter hits..ocd hits

[JGF25]

I guess it could be seasonal probably because you are doing more in the summer and in the winter we tend to be more house-bound with idle minds and idle minds go to the dark side!  Mine is not seasonal.  

I'm excited for you.  I know these actions are going to help you. My husband thought I was a looney-toones when it got really bad and I was pregnant so I'm sure he was second guessing his choice for the mother of his children!  Anyway, I've been married for 23 years so he has gotten used to my "psycho" moments but like you I do try to internalize it if I can.  This last go around I simply told him I was going to be crazy for a little while but when the meds kick in, I would be normal again.  He doesn't understand but he is supportive.  That is all we can ask for.  I see this as the start of your "new and improved" life :)  

[OcdJohn]

I just hate that I remember bragging to myself how I beat all these ocds a few months ago now...same boat...its really irrational now I think HIV blood can live under my nails and go detected cause no blood or air is there..like I'm sure if that was even a reasonable threat...it would be considered a risk..lol but my mind doesn't see it that way. I think its cause winter depresses me and usually after break UPS so I think mines depression related.

[JGF25]

Don't beat yourself up.  I'm proud of the fact that I am where I am even though I couldn't do it without medication in the end.  I still have the odd panic attack which I use CBT on and I have control and that makes me the most proud.  You are going to be just fine.  

[OcdJohn]

Hearing your story makes me sooo much more excited to start this.

[OcdJohn]

Hocd spiked today I started thinking about it and I got on from it started thinking about it again went to speedway and this guy was singing backstreet boys and I laughed I was like I loved this when I was a kid and the guy started smiling at me..and it made me feel weird. And then my mind started running like "you on him and you liked it" I almost threw up literally! My mind literally switches ocd ever hour or so now I've washed my hands over 40-50 times today..i thought there was a needle in my shoe I thought I hot HIV from a public toilet..herpes from a handshake...its never been this bad...its bad

[JGF25]

It sounds like it.  Do the breathing technique I listed above.  It really does help.  Lay on your couch and just keep doing it for about 15 minutes and see if you feel better.  

[OcdJohn]

So I had a bad spike today with HIV. A homeless guy bumped into at a liquor store. I started fearing what if he had a needle and it poked me..what if his needle got stuck in my clothing I felt my whole body up and down felt nothing. I was legit worried bumping into this guy transferred a needle and syringe from his clothing to mine..i got in my car had a panic attack and pulled over threw my jacket and shirt off are these thoughts normal..does this sound like ocd like me and this guy barley touched each other..if he had a needle how could it even get stuck on my clothes? Why does my brain do this. I'm beating myself up bad. I wad hoping to have a good night.. Now its ruined with anxiety and fear. I tried breathing.

[OcdJohn]

I just tell myself its not possible..if this 60-65 yr old man had HIV(which is rare) he would have been dead the way he's living I'm sure people that have HIV don't drink alot and live in filth I mean even if he did have a needle I need help hahaha I can't wait

[OcdJohn]

Are these impossible thoughts normal? Or close to impossible.

[JGF25]

You are doing what every person with OCD does especially when the OCD is out of control.  In this situation, I would have gotten in the car, done my breathing and said to myself "This is ridiculous, people don't get HIV this way, NOW MOVE ON!"  Oddly enough when I yell at myself and I get mad, it helps me.  

All of your irrational thoughts are normal for a person with OCD.  It is also normal to go fleeting from one thought to the next.  I know how desperate you are feeling and when that feeling comes I too cry.  You feel like you are coming unglued.  Honestly, and I'm not a doctor but just speaking from my own experience, I think you need klonopin right now.  I don't know when your therapy appointment is but I would contact your GP, explain the situation, and ask to come in ASAP.  You have to have an original script to get klonopin.  It seems to me that you really need something right now to take the edge off so that you can get some rest from this.  It is very, very hard to help ourselves when we are in this state.  

[OcdJohn]

I have no family doctor right now. I'd feel like if I went in there and got a family doctor and said I need klonopin they would think I'm trying to sell it. But I will contact one.

[OcdJohn]

Annnnd I break it down to make myself feel better like I barley bumped into this guy and I think a needle and a syringe is stuck to my body...and I felt myself down like right there I'm sure if it was there I would have felt it on me...then I tell my self he does have HIV(mind quickly shatters that with he shared the needle) then tells me a simple poke wouldn't infect...(minds says you will sit on it in your car and it'll push it into your veins.) I know that if the needles empty it can't infect which helps cause I don't see a herion or any addict filling up and needle and just waiting to use it. But my Mind is getting the best of me. I'm starting to date this beautiful amazing girl and I don't want to hurt her.. I don't want this to ruin that

[JGF25]

You are under so much stress.  You are probably catastrophizing the relationship before it really ever gets going.  Listen, you have the therapy appointment.  Find a family doctor...get a referral from a friend.  Go in there and describe what is going on.  Just tell them that you have decided you cannot deal with it anymore.  That you have made an appointment with a therapist, tell them when it is, give him/her the name and ask if there is something he/she can give you to help you in the mean time.  You don't have to walk in and say "I want some klonopin."  I figure you are going to see a psychologist and they can't prescribe meds anyway.  Even if they give you xanax, that will help.  I just prefer klonopin because it lasts longer in your system.  Xanax works faster but doesn't last as long.  Let them be the one to give you choices and if you want you can say you researched OCD and what people take and that you think klonopin, since it does last longer, will help you the most.  I'm sure that he/she just needs to know that you are seeking other ways to get help with this problem.  

I myself take klonopin every day at night to sleep.  1 mg along with 300 mg of Wellbutrin.  This combination lets me lead a normal life.  I have been without meds before and did pretty well but when that stressor comes into your life, the one that just upends everything, well that is when things go south and without the meds...I'm a flippin basket case.  

Please trust me John...there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  You will be able to have relationships and hopefully you will end up with someone who is supportive.  This is a disorder not unlike diabetes.  They don't produce enough insulin and we don't have enough serotonin.  They go into a diabetic coma...we just start to "what-if" everything.  

[OcdJohn]

Thank you so much really. I'll make an appointment tomorrow to be seen..psychologist appointment is on Thursday and hopefully I can get into a Dr very soon. I'm starting to come the realization of my event like if he had a needle and it poked me id have felt it and it still wouldn't have been enough to infect and I don't know how my brain thinks a needle and a syringe can just stick To my clothes and me not feel it after rubbing myself down..all we had was slight shoulder contact. There's no way a needle in his pocket got stuck to me. My brain says 100 different things. I'll beat it. Im determined. Its not my first time with HIV but its my first time with this much irrational thoughts. I'll get past it

[hahaokay]

This ocdjohn..for some reason my account was disabled? Idk but I think I'm gonna ask the doctors on here some of the risk..like find out the facts. I feel like if I know most of the facts it'll help ease the anxiety. I was gonna do it in the HIV prevention on the non pay but seems like those guys get mad easy.

[JGF25]

Here are some facts...you cannot get HIV from the surface of anything.  The virus dies when it is not in the body.  It cannot be spread by kissing because saliva is not an environment where it can thrive.  It is only spread through the exchange of bodily fluids (not saliva) from an HIV person directly into the blood stream of another person.  So just to keep it in perspective, if you were to take a needle that has HIV tainted blood in it and immediately stick yourself with it, you have less than a 1 percent chance of becoming HIV positive (0.3 percent to be exact).  So this shows you that this virus is very, very hard to get otherwise we would all be HIV positive.  

The guys on the HIV forum are there for one purpose and that is to state the facts.  When you go there for reassurance and you are suffering from HIV anxiety or OCD, they are going to look at your risk or what you perceive to be your risk and say whether it is real or not.  You fall under the no risk category because you never really had anything at all happen to you...you simply are having an OCD irrational thought going on.  So what they get annoyed at is the constant asking for reassurance by posting the same questions almost like the answer they gave was never read by those suffering from HIV Anxiety and OCD.  That is not what their forum is about and so they don't understand that the reassurance makes people feel better.  They are there to simply state the facts.  And you have to believe them because they DO know what they are talking about.  Teak is HIV positive so trust me...he knows everything there is to know about HIV and how it is transmitted.  

Also, if you bother them and bother them, they will "turn you in" and have your account disabled.  Is that what happened?