Am I gay or is it all in my head

[TF6465]

Hi, I'm 18 I'm a girl and recently I feel as though I have been starting to have crushes on girls. However, there is always this underlying fear and I really hope I  that I am not and that I can't be. I have tried accepting it but it's like my mind won't let me. I think I might have a crush on my best friend who I have known for a long time and we tell each other everything. It mostly just this feeling that i get. I don't know if it's fear and I'm mistaking it for arousal or what. I have tried testing it out constantly. I am attracted to guys but sometimes it doesn't feel the same when I test (masterbate) it almost feels harder to think about guys than girls even though thinking about guys is pleasurable thinking about girls helps me to get off faster. I don't really know what it means I have looked up differen things about HOCD recently and it seemed to fit perfectly with what I have been feeling. But even though it feels like doubt the feeling won't go away even though I don't want to have the feelings. I don't really know what to think. I just really need advice please.

[bringmejoy]

Hi, I've been through hocd/still am going through it sometimes. The way you say that your mind 'won't let you accept it' feels as though this may be hocd but i cant personally diagnose you. fear about becoming aroused and arousal itself are actually quite similar feelings so sometimes you might feel something and the anxiety then makes it worse so this could be an explanation for the feelings youre describing. with regard to masturbating, trying hard not to think about something makes it a million times harde. if i said to you, dont think about pigs flying - there you've immediately thought about it and the more you try and stop the harder it is not to. so if you think of girls and then suddenly think 'no think about guys' its going to be much harder to do. all ocd is about is uncertainty and fear. the feeling of being not quite sure about something is one of the worst feelings especially when it comes to something as fundamentally simple and personal about ourselves. to overcome it, embrace what is uncertain. everytime you think about it, just say to yourself 'yeah ok im gay whatever' brush it off, agree with your mind - even if it feels wrong. eventually over time, you wont fear it any more and the thoughts will slowly go away.

[JGF25]

Hi there.  Here is my take on being gay or not.  I believe it is genetic.  I believe we are born gay or we are not.  I don't believe that we wake up one day and become gay.   Since you have not been formally diagnosed with OCD, I can't say that is what you have but it sure does seem like it.  Ideally you would see a psychologist to be diagnosed and learn cognitive behavioral therapy.  Also STOP testing.  Testing get you no where.  It only adds fuel to the fire that is OCD.  OCD is a doubters disorder.  We are only appeased for a short while and they we are back at it with the "What-if" stuff.  

Here are a few good articles to read

http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=82:ten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd&catid=0

http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php

If you go through the forum posts, you will see that the majority of the posts are about HOCD.  It is very, very common.  Next step is to see a psychologist and get help for what is probably OCD.