HOCD just feels too real

[michelle123497]

I am a 15 year old girl that is currently living with OCD. I'm pretty sure it is the problem, but I have not been diagnosed. Since I was a child, I was a hoarder and felt that I would need everything in the future, I also still do this. I have lived with anxiety my whole life and some days were just horrible. I suffered through depression for 3 years and my current OCD is bringing is back. I currently have a boyfriend and we have been dating for over a year now.
My most profound problems with OCD began with ROCD about six months into the relationship with my boyfriend. I would constantly have thoughts that I don't love him and I was VERY close to breaking up with him. Every time I was with him, I would check my feeling for him. Whenever I thought about breaking up, my heart would just collapse.
Now my brain has brought in a new demon, HOCD. I know that I am not gay, but HOCD makes me feel like I am. One day I was having problems with ROCD and the question "what if I want to break up with him because I'm gay?" came into mind. It has now been 3 months and it has been ruining my life. I would check forums, play images in my brain, and even watch things to prove I'm straight. For a split second when I found HOCD or checked myself, I felt relief. At one point I stopped having the thoughts and i just thought "What if I have just accepted the thoughts and it means I'm gay?" and it all started again. Before HOCD, I only like men and wouldn't really notice another woman unless it was to admire her clothing, nothing sexual. I only had crushes on men as well. Now I notice every woman and I feel like I am gay and I must check myself. My attraction toward men has dropped, but it's still there. Every time I see a woman, I feel I must check myself, I have even done this with my mom :( which just scares me. I'm scared to tell anyone about my thoughts, even writing this scares me, because I feel they are just gonna think I'm gay and tell me to come out, which at some points I wanna do to make the thoughts go away and because the thoughts feel so real. I have nothing against gay people, I'm even friends with some of them. I don't want to be gay because I don't want to stop loving men. I always dreamed of getting married to a man and having a house and children, but that is even blurry now, which scares me so much. Whenever my boyfriend and I are kissing I sometimes forced myself to pretend it's a girl and I get anxiety and I instantly pull away. I know I'm not gay and I hate these thoughts, I just want them to go away. I would much rather have the ROCD, or just live a life without OCD in general

[michelle123497]

thank you so much for the advice. I cannot thank you enough :)

[JGF25]

If you find that you cannot see a therapist then please pick up
The OCD Workbook:  Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD.  I think you will find it helpful especially if you follow through with the worksheets.  Other books are Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani and another called Brain Lock (Not sure of the author).  

[michelle123497]

Thank you for the advice, I just need to gain up the courage to talk to them. We are in a little bit off a bad place financially, so I would not want to be a burden on them. I think I will try my best to tell them though. And yes, they have noticed that lately something has been wrong.

[JGF25]

I promise you that the therapist is not going to tell you you are gay.  If you are uncomfortable talking about this particular subject, HOCD, with your parents then tell them that you are having problems with irrational thoughts or just anxiety in general and that you feel you need help to get a handle on it.  I'm sure they are aware that you have anxiety unless you are super good at hiding it.  The hording would be hard to hide from them as well.  I'm sure they will understand so please think about approaching them.  I have a son who is 16 and I would hate to think he was suffering in silence when all he had to do was come to me for help..I'm sure your parents feel the same.  

[michelle123497]

I have not been to a psychologist because I have a fear that they will tell me that I'm gay and send me to a LGBT specialist. I'm a little afraid of telling my parents for fear that they will just push away what I say and make it worse. I will try to coach myself, but I have been trying to disprove the thoughts, which is just making the thoughts more realistic....  I also have a fear that I don't actually have HOCD and that I'm just in denial

[JGF25]

You have a history of what I would think is OCD even though you haven't been diagnosed.  The reality is you ARE supposed to accept the thoughts because when you do, you take the fear out of them and they go away.  When you get into the cycle of checking, i.e., TV programs and changing your appearance, you are actually giving into the OCD and it will stay around because of that.

See my post titled "The Anatomy of a Horrific Thought" and you will see the cycle you are stuck in.  

Is there a reason why you haven't been to see a psychologist for a diagnosis?  Have you talked to your parents?  Cognitive behavioral therapy is a wonderful tool to learn in order to fight OCD irrational thinking.  It includes things such as special breathing techniques, imagery, and self-coaching.  When these thoughts pop into your head you need to stop them right away.  You can say "STOP" in your head or come up with some other word or words such as "WHATEVER" or "ENOUGH, NOW MOVE ON."  What you don't want to do is let the thought go on to the point that you are overwhelmed with anxiety and next thing you know you are trying to prove or disprove the thought.  That gets you stuck.  So try a bit of self coaching to see if that helps you.  Talk to your parents about seeing a psychologist because honestly if you truly have OCD, then if it isn't HOCD it will be something else, as you have already found out.  Stress makes OCD worse and there are stressors in everybody life and so you need to have the tools to help yourself if some other thoughts pops up in your head down the road.  

[michelle123497]

I forgot to say that I when I get dressed, I fear looking gay, so I try to dress feminine. My voice is also a little lower than most women, so I try to change it to be higher. Whenever I talk to my friends, I also ask myself "do I have a crush on them?" or "Do I like them", even thought I do not.