HOCD or denial? Please answer!

[logan26]

I'm 15 years old. So far, I have never doubted my sexuality. In 6th grade, this girl told us she was a lesbian and I started freaking out that people would think I was a lesbian because I hanged out with her. It started then. I started worrying that EVERYONE thought I was a lesbian. I have always liked boys. I get shy and hyper around boys I like. I'm attracted to them. I have never liked a girl that way. I have never wanted to kiss a girl or anything like that. Sometimes I do think girls are pretty, but isn't that normal? I've been paranoid lately. I remember when I was 6-7 years old my best friends and I were playing this game and I was playing the guy. I don't remember if I was chosen or if I wanted to. I keep thinking back to my childhood, remembering if I did any "lesbian" things. I also remember that when I was in 1st grade in gym boys and girls were seperated and I cried when the teacher wanted to put me with both boys and girls. My role models have always been girls. I don't know why. I really want to get married to a man and have children with him. I have been super scared that I might end up with a girl, but I don't want that! I keep thinking about this and I can barley breathe anymore. I keep telling myself" I have HOCD, I'm not in denial." Sometimes I admit I'm a lesbian, but take it back really fast. I don't know what to do. My friend thinks it's weird that a lot of the guys I like have "girly" faces. is that a bad thing? I also really want a boyfriend. I want to be in a romantic relationship. When I hear people talk about their boyfriend/girlfriends, I get sort of weird. i don't know why. I also get weird when people talk about gay people. Not offended, but really weird. I feel like I'm loosing it. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be a lesbian. Also, know that I have never been kissed or been in a relationship. Never been asked out either. I want my first kiss to be with a guy though. Sometimes I think that certain things I do might come off as lesbian.Right now, I think there's a rumor about me being a lesbian but I'm not sure. Nobody has come up to me or anything. I get freaked out that I don't have HOCD and it's just denial. I have looked up the symptoms and I pretty much match all of them but some not. I'm 15 and I don't find penies attractive. Is that bad? I don't find naked man attractive. I do want to have sex with a guy though.

One last thing, i was taking this "straight or lesbian" quiz and the question: You are being hit on by two people: one female, one male. The woman is extremely attractive, The man is average looking. Who do you have sex with with (if you had to have sex with one of them) bugged me a lot. I actually stopped and thought about it. I have not been diagnosed with OCD yet but I have taken many screening tests online, and I always get 80%. This lesbian thoughts thing happened to me out of nowhere for the first time in December and then it went away when I got backed to school and was distracted. Now I'm in summer and it's back. I have read that people who have HOCD can't control it and it doesn't go away. Why did it go away for me for almost 6 months?

The thing is, I know, deep down, that I am straight. I have never felt emotionally attracted to any girls in my life so far. Like I said up there, I keep replaying my childhood looking for any "lesbian" things but my memory isn't that great. I keep obssesing my parents probably thought I was a lesbian all along. I get this weird thoughts all the time and then I obsses about them for days. My parents don't know about any of this. I have told my mom about the OCD but she doesn't want to believe me. I feel like if I don't get help soon, I will completely loose it. My biggest fear is turning into a lesbian and getting married with a girl. God, I don't want that to happen! It grosses me out, not that I have anything against gay people. I just don't want that for me. All I want is to get married to a man and have children with me. I pray to God every night to make these thoughts go away. I want to be normal like everyone else around me but I don't know how to.  What should I do? Is it HOCD or denial?

[JGF25]

Really...what you are going through is normal?  I think not.  WTH....did you see a psychologist?  I cannot believe that someone would say that having HOCD, which is what I think you have but I'm no doctor, is normal.  Get yourself a 2nd opinion because it looks like this person is going to be of absolutely no help to you and that really is a shame.  I'm so sorry you have been dealing with this and when the appointment comes around you are told it is normal.  Ugh!!!!!!!

[logan26]

I had one today, but the therapist keeps saying it's "normal" and just part of growing up.

[JGF25]

Did you have your therapy appointment?

[logan26]

Lately I've been worried because whenever I think about starting school again, I think "People will judge me" and stuff like that and I get anxiety because I'm thinking that in the first place, but whenever those thoughts pop up, I get nervous. That sounds like something gay people think.  Also, we were gonna go to church on Saturday and those "judging" thoughts popped into my head and I didn't want to go to church. Same thing today. I really don't know what's happening to me. I also feel "boy-ish"  and gross and whenever I look at myself in the mirror I think "lesbian." Can someone please tell me what's going on?

[lily13579]

OMG you are exactly like me. Seriously. Every single thing you're going through I am too. And I think it started around the same time too. I would always go online and look for pl with the same worries and you have all the same ones as me. Trust me, it's all HOCD, it's all in your head. I promise.

[logan26]

I was talking to one of my friends who's a lesbian and she asked me questions so I could feel better. Do I feel stronger feelings for men or women? Who's body am I attracted to more, men or women? That question bugged me because sometimes I get turned on(I think it's being turned on. I don't really know what "turned on" feels like.) when I see girls but not boys. Also, earlier I was in this website and a bunch of girls were talking about how they just knew they were gay and none of those things happened to me. I'm just scared that deep down I know I'm a lesbian because today when I woke up, I was like 'I'm a lesbian" and then when I said it last night to see how I felt I was going to go tell my parents I was a lesbian and that scared me. Also when I see couples and I get anxiety, I tell myself it's just the ocd and then yesterday i thought 'maybe I don't want to be the only one.." and then I started worrying that I meant lesbian.