Sexual OCD?

[hellcatspangled]

I have yet to be formally diagnosed with sexual ocd, but I'm starting to wonder if I have it. After a very odd dream that I had earlier this month that scared me to my core I started obsessing with the idea that I may be a pedophile. I have a nine year old sister and it was (still is in some way) very hard to be around her without thinking of those thoughts, so I started to avoid her. But with me being the older sister who has to babysit and take care of her unfortunately I would have to give her baths which would make me feel disgusting because I knew the ideas would pop up. All I would do is obsess over the idea, have images of the idea, get gronial responses over, check on the internet to see if I was a pedo, and I would just drown in tears over it daily. Eventually those ideas and gradually slowed down until I got to my favourite kind of ideas to obsess over; being a lesbian.

Yeah, this one's an absolute b-tch. Actually, I recall that when I was younger I would also experience this too. One time when I was younger and going through one of my mum's fashion magazines I saw a woman in lingerie. It was odd.. for me at least because I'd never really seen an ad like that before and I just kind of stared at it. After staring for too long I started to freak out and think 'whoa am i gay for that!?' I stared at that picture far too long did I like what I saw or something? So I was crying for about an hour over it because the idea was just freaking me the hell out, but eventually I calmed down and realized how ridiculous I was being. Now jump to now that I am 16.. I suddenly had this idea in my head that I was gay. I ignored the images at first because I had gone through this with the whole being a pedo thing so I thought no big deal you're just being weird. But my brain couldn't stop obsessing over it. The images were so strong, the feelings were so damn strong that I had to start questioning it and going online taking quizzes, looking for reassurance everywhere, etc. From the time I wake up the idea is in my mind and right when I go to sleep, guess what? It's still on my mind. I started thinking about all my encounters with girls to see if I ever liked them or if there was any type of sign that I was. The thing is though, I have no problem with people who are gay. I admire them, think they're great and brave for not letting the world bring them down so I know that if I were that way it wouldn't be a problem.. but I just don't feel it. But these images and these feelings are so strong that I'm starting to think they're real. It's bringing me down to the point where I don't even want to live some days or do much other than stay in bed and dwell over the idea. I keep thinking 'am i gay, am i gay? you are gay, you are gay' over and over again in hopes it'll just make it all stop but it won't. I've always thought women were great and had no problem admitting when another one was attractive, hot etc. but never did actually being in a relationship or having intercourse with one ever pop up in my brain and now i'm wondering if this was/is a sign of it not being hocd at all. maybe it's just of me being in denial and i should come out or something, but.. i don't even know anymore i've just lost all hope.

[posiepie]

I just want to say, i know how you feel. SO well. I'm a 21 year old female, and i started getting what I think is HOCD about 2 years ago. I have battled with intrusive thoughts on and off since I was little, and like you, i went through the very bizarre phase of thinking that I was a pedophile, when I was 12. I know that it was just intrusive thoughts that I obsessed over, but it felt so terrifying.
This hocd, feels very similar, because none of the 'gay' thoughts i have ever made me feel happy, only very anxious strangely lonely. The big problem is, that thinking that you're a pedophile when you're basically a child yourself is of course completely ridiculous. But thinking that you might be gay when you're a teenager is not ridiculous at all. Its much harder to dismiss. It becomes a horible cylce where logic can't win, because really, there ARE no simple answers to the question of your own sexuality (in the context of consenting adults).
I'm hoping to get help if this continues much longer for me. For now, the internet is FULL of really brilliant sites and stories that might help you to fight this horrible sickness off by yourself. Good luck.

[lily168]

Hey

sorry to hear you've been having a hard time - definitely get some help - i let my OCD go too long but after taking medication and visiting a counsellor i;m doing much better now, almost at the other end of the tunnel, so please dont let the OCD keep going on without seeking help.

send me a private message if u wanna chat more - i know ocd is often a lonely thing bcs people dont get it!

[hellcatspangled]

Yes, I think intrusive thoughts probably would have been a better way to describe it. Most of my thoughts tend to be sexually based towards everyone which is why I figured it I might have a sexual obsession that's commonly in the context of OCD. I just can't let them go, I'm always questioning their meaning.

I'm suppose to be seeing one soon (my mom hasn't set up an appointment yet since the office seems to be inconsistent with answering phone calls) but overall i haven't talked to anyone about this. I've just been keeping inside and I feel utterly down about it daily.