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Joke of the Day Thread
Heading out to chemo soon so starting off this day with some humor. Here are 3 that I hope you enjoy and feel free to post your own also. If you don't know any there are tons on the net. Have a lovely day ladies and in spite of what our days will be let's all find something to smile about.
A man comes home and his wife is waiting in the living room with her suitcases packed. He asks where she is going. She haughtily replies, "I just found out I can get $400.00 in Vegas for what I do for you for free". The man rushes upstairs packs a bag and comes back to the living room. The wife says, "and where do you think you're going"? He looks at her and says, "I am going with you, I want to see you live on $800.00 a year"!!
___________________________________________________________________________________
(THIS IS FOR ALL OF US WHO HAVE ACTUALLY HAD THIS DR)
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on
the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a
mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed
up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I
don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I
wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together
again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did
all of it through the muffler."
_______________________________________________________________________________
(THIS ONE MUST HAVE CHEMO BRAIN)
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
A man comes home and his wife is waiting in the living room with her suitcases packed. He asks where she is going. She haughtily replies, "I just found out I can get $400.00 in Vegas for what I do for you for free". The man rushes upstairs packs a bag and comes back to the living room. The wife says, "and where do you think you're going"? He looks at her and says, "I am going with you, I want to see you live on $800.00 a year"!!
___________________________________________________________________________________
(THIS IS FOR ALL OF US WHO HAVE ACTUALLY HAD THIS DR)
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on
the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a
mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed
up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I
don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I
wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together
again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did
all of it through the muffler."
_______________________________________________________________________________
(THIS ONE MUST HAVE CHEMO BRAIN)
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
I think the confusion was in the fact it was listed under the "Joke of the Day" thread.
Fran
Fran
No, my daughter is the one with PCOS - why would I make fun???
And, I started looking on this web site as I have a 12cm cyst on my left ovary - was looking for support- understanding of what to expect
Sorry if anyone was upset?
Carol
And, I started looking on this web site as I have a 12cm cyst on my left ovary - was looking for support- understanding of what to expect
Sorry if anyone was upset?
Carol
My sentiments exactly. I told Jan a little earlier that we should just start another one and besides that this one was getting a little long anyway. Sounds like a good idea to me. There are so many good ones on here, that I am glad we will still be able to go back to it when we want, as a few of them I have laughed at them more than once.
Chris
Chris
I wonder if it is time to start a new Joke of the Day thread, this one is pretty long and the only reason I can think of for the 2 posts from Carol is that she was googling "Joke" and this came up. will let you decide if we send this thread to the celler, some really good jokes here. I have really enjoyed them. Marty
I have been very confused about your two posts. She is an adorable child, but why is this on here. Are you making fun of someone's sick child?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtBGToDKeUA&feature=user
daughter with PCOS - ??? Does anyone know if simply having elevated levels of insulin means you definately have PCOS ?
She is overweight
She has no excess hair. No brown patching of skin. No pimples.
Her video shows her face pretty well. She made it on Christmas, so it is pretty recent.
No internal exam was done - due to her age, of course - and she is scared she won't be able to have children
Anyone know about these things?
Thank you!
Carol
daughter with PCOS - ??? Does anyone know if simply having elevated levels of insulin means you definately have PCOS ?
She is overweight
She has no excess hair. No brown patching of skin. No pimples.
Her video shows her face pretty well. She made it on Christmas, so it is pretty recent.
No internal exam was done - due to her age, of course - and she is scared she won't be able to have children
Anyone know about these things?
Thank you!
Carol
Thought it was time to update this tread!
Cute Youtube video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oh9H2kcUbtc
Cute Youtube video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oh9H2kcUbtc
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great week end of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have t O a dmit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... You know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great week end of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have t O a dmit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... You know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, 'Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again.'
Luther asks Billy Bob, 'So, what you gonna do this year that's different?'
Billy Bob says, 'This year I'm taking Earlene with me.'
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again.'
Luther asks Billy Bob, 'So, what you gonna do this year that's different?'
Billy Bob says, 'This year I'm taking Earlene with me.'
About five years ago, the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle
had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a
hurry to get to work on time, so I ran into the house to get
my wife to give me a hand in starting the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric
oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough
to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an
automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30
MPH for it to start. She said fine, hopped into her car, and
drove off.
I sat there fuming, wondering what she could be doing. A
minute passed by, and when I saw her in the rear view mirror
coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have
been a bit more clear with my directions!
had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a
hurry to get to work on time, so I ran into the house to get
my wife to give me a hand in starting the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric
oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough
to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an
automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30
MPH for it to start. She said fine, hopped into her car, and
drove off.
I sat there fuming, wondering what she could be doing. A
minute passed by, and when I saw her in the rear view mirror
coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have
been a bit more clear with my directions!
This is a groaner so look out............
frog goes into this bank and hops up to the loan officer's desk.
The loan officer says: "Hello I'm John Paddywack, can I help you?" The frog says: "Yes I'd like a loan."
The officer decides to humor the frog and takes a form out of his desk and says: "OK what is your last name?" To which the frog replies "Jagger." The officer still doubting the frogs veracity says, "Well, Mr. Jagger, do you have any collateral?" The frog pulls out a small pink ceramic elephant and hands it to Mr Paddywack asking can he use this?
The loan officer, barely able to contain himself, but still humoring the frog says: "Well, I'm not sure. Excuse me for a minute; I'll have to consult with the bank president." The frog says: "Oh, he knows my dad, tell him Mick sends his regards."
In the presidents office John shows the object, and says, there's a frog out here who wants a loan and this is all he has for collateral and I don't even know what it is.
The bank president responds in a melodious voice:
It's a knickknack, Paddywack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone.
frog goes into this bank and hops up to the loan officer's desk.
The loan officer says: "Hello I'm John Paddywack, can I help you?" The frog says: "Yes I'd like a loan."
The officer decides to humor the frog and takes a form out of his desk and says: "OK what is your last name?" To which the frog replies "Jagger." The officer still doubting the frogs veracity says, "Well, Mr. Jagger, do you have any collateral?" The frog pulls out a small pink ceramic elephant and hands it to Mr Paddywack asking can he use this?
The loan officer, barely able to contain himself, but still humoring the frog says: "Well, I'm not sure. Excuse me for a minute; I'll have to consult with the bank president." The frog says: "Oh, he knows my dad, tell him Mick sends his regards."
In the presidents office John shows the object, and says, there's a frog out here who wants a loan and this is all he has for collateral and I don't even know what it is.
The bank president responds in a melodious voice:
It's a knickknack, Paddywack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone.
The question of Hell's existence
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it w/ colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, whywe now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls exist in the world today, most of these religions state that if you are not a member of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now , we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that,"It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it w/ colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, whywe now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls exist in the world today, most of these religions state that if you are not a member of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now , we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that,"It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a
series of tests, the last of which had left his
bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom,
he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed
beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered
up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,
and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
staring down at the sheets, a hospital security
guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who
had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked
"What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied:
" I'm not real sure, but I think I just beat the **** out of a ghost."
series of tests, the last of which had left his
bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom,
he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed
beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered
up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,
and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
staring down at the sheets, a hospital security
guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who
had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked
"What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied:
" I'm not real sure, but I think I just beat the **** out of a ghost."
Ok this is a link to you tube and is absolutely hilarious. Don't watch unless you don't mind crying because you laugh so hard.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTxkxG3DF4k
Enjoy! :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTxkxG3DF4k
Enjoy! :-)
A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom... so the man stands up to let her out.
She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.
She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.
The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her: "You keep sneezing, what's the problem?"
The woman replies: "I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."
He says, "Oh... what are you taking for it?"
She says: "Pepper."
A Hiking We Will Go.....
Last summer, my husband took me camping for the first time.
At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.
One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the
usual tactics to determine direction -- moss on the trees
(there was none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast
day), etc., etc.
Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin
off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied
the cabin, turned, and led us right back to our camp. "That
was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?"
"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country, all the
TV satellite dishes point south."
Last summer, my husband took me camping for the first time.
At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.
One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the
usual tactics to determine direction -- moss on the trees
(there was none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast
day), etc., etc.
Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin
off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied
the cabin, turned, and led us right back to our camp. "That
was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?"
"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country, all the
TV satellite dishes point south."
Ever notice how all of our problems begin with men!!! (oldie but goodie)
MEN-tal illness
MEN-strual cramps
MEN-tal breakdown
MEN-opause
GUY-nocologist
AND
When we have REAL trouble, it's a HIS-terectomy
_____________________________________________
Q: Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A: If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner
Q: What is the definition of transvestite?
A: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary!
________________________________________________
Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself
MEN-tal illness
MEN-strual cramps
MEN-tal breakdown
MEN-opause
GUY-nocologist
AND
When we have REAL trouble, it's a HIS-terectomy
_____________________________________________
Q: Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A: If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner
Q: What is the definition of transvestite?
A: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary!
________________________________________________
Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself
There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’".
"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.
"It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."
So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."
The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.
"You win for sure," they both said.
Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"
"Yup. I played this game called ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."
His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."
"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.
"It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."
So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."
The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.
"You win for sure," they both said.
Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"
"Yup. I played this game called ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."
His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."
Dedicated to all Men that Loved the "Dumb Blond": Jokes
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, men will screw anything
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner
What is a mans idea of foreplay?
A half an hour of begging
How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused?
He's breathing
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know, it has never happened
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the rest are handicapped
What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vaccuum
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phones home
What do you call a man with a brain?
Gifted
What are the reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind 2. No business
Do you know why bankers make good lovers?
They know the penalty for early withdrawal
Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the **** out of you
Why do men name their penises?
They want to be on a first name basis with the one who makes all the decisions
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room
Why are men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wont hump women"s legs at cocktail parties
What is the difference between a porcupine and a corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside
What do men think Rowe vs Wade is?
Two ways to cross a river
How do men sort their laundry?
Dirty and Dirty but wearable
How stupid are men about money?
Only a man would buy a 500$ car and put a 4000$ stereo in it
Why do men have holes in their penises?
So they can get oxygen to their brains
How is a man like a snowstorm?
You don't know when he is coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last
Sorry, I hope this does not offend any one, but I just couldn't help it. CR
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, men will screw anything
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner
What is a mans idea of foreplay?
A half an hour of begging
How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused?
He's breathing
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know, it has never happened
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the rest are handicapped
What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vaccuum
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phones home
What do you call a man with a brain?
Gifted
What are the reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind 2. No business
Do you know why bankers make good lovers?
They know the penalty for early withdrawal
Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the **** out of you
Why do men name their penises?
They want to be on a first name basis with the one who makes all the decisions
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room
Why are men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wont hump women"s legs at cocktail parties
What is the difference between a porcupine and a corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside
What do men think Rowe vs Wade is?
Two ways to cross a river
How do men sort their laundry?
Dirty and Dirty but wearable
How stupid are men about money?
Only a man would buy a 500$ car and put a 4000$ stereo in it
Why do men have holes in their penises?
So they can get oxygen to their brains
How is a man like a snowstorm?
You don't know when he is coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last
Sorry, I hope this does not offend any one, but I just couldn't help it. CR
Gas
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem
with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much.
They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've passed gas
at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You probably didn't even know I was passing gas because they don't smell and
are completely silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Tell you what, take one of these pills each morning
and come back to see me next week."
So the week passes and the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
what the heck you gave me, but now when I pass gas, they are still quite
silent, but they stink just terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work
on your hearing."
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem
with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much.
They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've passed gas
at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You probably didn't even know I was passing gas because they don't smell and
are completely silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Tell you what, take one of these pills each morning
and come back to see me next week."
So the week passes and the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
what the heck you gave me, but now when I pass gas, they are still quite
silent, but they stink just terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work
on your hearing."
STATE SLOGANS
Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California:
As Seen on TV
Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia:
Without Atlanta we're Alabama
Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky:
Five Million People; Seven Last Names
Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine:
We're Really Cold,
But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan:
First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada:
****** and Poker!
New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey:
You Want a ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina:
Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota:
We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio:
We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma:
Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal
Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina:
We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North
South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee:
The Educashun State
Texas:
A Whole 'Nother Country!
Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont:
Yep
Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin:
Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming:
Wynot?
Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California:
As Seen on TV
Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia:
Without Atlanta we're Alabama
Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky:
Five Million People; Seven Last Names
Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine:
We're Really Cold,
But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan:
First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada:
****** and Poker!
New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey:
You Want a ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina:
Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota:
We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio:
We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma:
Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal
Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina:
We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North
South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee:
The Educashun State
Texas:
A Whole 'Nother Country!
Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont:
Yep
Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin:
Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming:
Wynot?
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."
Two immigrants arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between the Old Country and the U.S. One of them says that he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"What part did you get?"
"What part did you get?"
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load
of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,?
which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder. She hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady,
why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,?
"We just love the chocolate around them."
of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,?
which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder. She hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady,
why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,?
"We just love the chocolate around them."
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