I'm off!

[Brownie3321]

It’s been a bizarre day. I can’t sleep so I thought I would write out my feelings for you all to read. My nerves have got the best of me (which explains the wide-eyed, pacing Deandra) because I am leaving tomorrow to Houston to begin my “kick cancer in the @ss” adventure. You know what’s odd about this whole procedure… my state of mind. I continually have people asking me if I am afraid to go through this, if I’m panicked about the pain I will feel. Absolutely not. I could give a d@mn about the collection of stem cells, or the 5 noxious chemo drugs administered in one generous dose, or the lengthy time I will spend over a toilet throwing up, or the stem cell transplant. Who cares? I’ve been through enough already, I can hang with this. What I am DREADING… is the time I have to spend in the hospital. All I know is there better not be any sharp objects or loose material hanging around, because last time I was in the hospital for 2 weeks, I almost tried to hang myself. Okay, that’s a little over-dramatic, but there is nothing worse than having to reside in a hospital room for longer than a day. I will be in a “special” room where only “special” clothes and shoes are allowed for 3 ½ weeks. No joke. The other thought weighing heavily on my mind is, what if this doesn’t work? I know what you all are thinking. ‘You can’t think that way, be positive!’ Frankly, when you are diagnosed with late stage ovarian cancer (chronic illness), that thought is inevitably going to enter your mind. It’s very difficult for me to talk to family and loved ones about this thought. I can’t imagine being in my parents shoes. They want nothing more than to take my place. They would put me in a frying pan and watch me fry to a crisp if there was a chance it would keep me alive. When you are on the opposite side, watching someone fight cancer, you want them to do EVERYTHING humanly possible to battle their disease. Lethal injections of chemo? Yes, she will do that and don’t be stingy with that dose! Stem cell transplant? PLEASE, whatever it takes doc. Fly to S. Africa to a medicine man that will have her eat snake eyes and dance around naked? Sign her up! It’s heartbreaking to watch them watch me fight this vile, s*itty cancer. The same goes for Luke. He constantly makes me promise I will fight to the bitter end because he ‘couldn’t live without me.’ I can’t bring up memories of being in the ICU unit, or the numerous hospital visits, or the time my heart monitor flat lined out of mistake without bringing tears to his eyes. He asked me to marry him. There were so many people in disbelief on how he handled his girlfriend being diagnosed with cancer. He NEVER left my side. I remember him telling me he didn’t understand why so many people kept telling him his strength was inspiring and how they themselves would never be able to deal with this. He was honestly dumfounded. His exact words were ‘what the hell was I going to do?? Leave? No way, I love her.’ I explained to him he would be surprised at the amount of people who could not deal with it, who would end up leaving their partner because they couldn’t take it. They couldn’t deal with the everyday thought ‘is he/she going to die’, or the relentless hospital visits, or even the physical aspect of it. Not Luke, his love only grew stronger for me. About a week ago he surprised me with his FIRST tattoo of the teal ovarian cancer ribbon, my astrology sign underneath, and the words “God Speed” above the whole design. For those of you that don’t know that phrase, it means good luck on your journey, may you prosper.  I am blessed to have so many people in my life that love me. On Monday the salon through me a going away/beat cancer party that was a blast. They all gave me a memento that I could take with me to remind me of them while I was gone. Today was my last day at the salon and you all know how much I hate to cry in front of people, but those tears were flowing when I gave each one of those girls a hug. They were all crying with me, forcing me to get into my car and drive to the alley where I sobbed for 20 minutes. Cancer fu@king sucks!!! Those girls mean the world to me…
Well, it’s 4:30am and I should try to get some sleep. Please keep me in your prayers, and I promise to drop kick and punch the sh*t out of this cancer! I will try to update as much as I can. Much love, D

[Knotmeg]

GOOD LUCK and kick Cancer right in the ***!!!


God Speed... I love it!

Much support and hugs from a girl in Baltimore
Meg

[ireneo]

Your post was amazing. Yes, family and friends want every miracle and opportunity given to you because you're loved so deeply. Sometimes that feels like pressure. Think of it as good pressure from all the hugs people are giving you. A bit suffocating at times but we mean well.

For now just know my prayers and thoughts are with you every day. I've got your name on my dry erase board on the fridge. I'll see it often (I do love to snack) and pray for you each time. Go get 'em tiger!

[gma718]

You are my hero girl!!! I am so proud of you..As the tears are rolling down my face..how I wish I could be there to hold your hand. I am sending all the prayers that I have in me to you...I will be waiting so anxiously to hear about you and your treatments.  I know how hard this is..I spent 3 weeks in the hospital and if it wasnt for my husband who never left my side I would have never survived...Luke is your angel! You are an angel! Everything will be okay!!!! I know how scared you are and it is good that you vent (we all need to vent)...please stay strong and please somehow keep us all posted on your progress...I know I dont know your family but may god bless all of you during this trying time...I will be here waiting to hear from you...Love to You, Luke and Your family..Love ya, Gia

[SimplyStar]

You are our Pioneer hun, I will being following your progress closely. I was 16 the first time I visited Houston, my brother was SAC in the FBI there, seeing all the medical facilities, is one of the reasons I decided  on going to med school, all that knowledge bundled up in one city,  You have a very smart head on those shoulders  and a loving soul.  Bet those Nurses there will be trying to figure out how they could sterilize salon equipment so that you could work your magic on their hair.   I can see the Houston headlines now, Colorado Rocky Mountain High  gal visits The Lone Star State to get her cells adjusted.  Keep Luke away from those Cowboy cheerleaders.  Good luck Sweetie, we are all pulling for you.  Marty

[silver&gold]

Dear Deandra,
I will be praying along with the others, you are a very brave and determined woman  and I admire you greatly.
  
  love Angie

[nyc lady]

I will be thinking about you.   Our own "girl in the plastic bubble".  Fight hard and strong.

Hope we get updates about you.

Sending lots of positive energy your way.

Love,
Pam