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1066198 tn?1333312628

just asking for a little insight..... please.......

April 24th 2011, Sunday....massive issues today-- no blow ups, just resurfacing of major issues. found DD17's book, opened and started to read-- looked innocent enough to begin with-- but shocked to find it was just pre out- soft core written PORN! trashed it-- burnt all her books like that-- no made her do it.
can't get away from this crap anyway anywhere anytime!  Decided since we were 'cleaning out" I'd get rid of a bunch of my stuff too-- journals-- everything I'd found, printed, history logs from PC ( hubby's) etc regarding my mental state, porn our problems-- everything. He decided to pitch in-- burned all his old pics of XW & XGF before me..... It felt like a good cleansing.... I wasn't angry or anything-- just wanted and needed to let go somehow of the rest of the past that keeps hurting me somehow.. I even broke down and told DH about all my life crap-- the XH of my mother who'd molested me, my Xh's ( both their) abuse, my heartbreak over losing my Fiance, and how that happened... about my DD and DS-- and the abuse they went thru with my XH... everything.... I felt lighter for awhile.........

now, today- May 2nd, 2011, I am angry at the world! hate myself, feel so cold and distant-- emotionless... distracted... thoughts of sex disgust me. even with my DH, whom I love immensely... So disconnected since last week's confessions...... angry, lost, alone, disgusted- disconnected in every way. Don't even want to be near him physically!   WHY ? WHY ? WHY ??

Is it because of some trigger last week's cleansing and confessions has set off?  Why do I feel so cold? near emotionless, except for negative ones... Why Why Why ? ? ? ? ?
8 Responses
Avatar universal
Hey.  Last week I wrote a paragraph and the computer failed to post it.  I got frustrated as it was so late and am finally back on the keyboard.  Hope your days are still going well.  Doing well here.  Don't forget that there will be back slides but it doesn't mean everything is failing.  I had that bad impression in the past.  Had a tornado here Sat.  A friend & I were remodeling a bathroom in a small factory.  Got a call to open one the machine pits if it spun our way.  HA! One look at that and we took turns tooking out the windows to avoid going down there.  It was under a 10 ton press so even a tornado wouldn't move it.  Creeeeepy.  Would have to actually see a funnel to go down there.  That is your weather heading East.  Thanks a lot
I plan on harping at you here (warning) but have you had all you meds checked by a pharmacist to see if there are interactions?  (harping over)     I am really glad you and DH talked.  Having the benefit many years with a very good psychiatrist I am finally learning one or two things.  I am very fortunate that my spouse has always supported me thru the ups & downs.  But there were times I was terrified of asking for more support.  As my Doc said, don't underestimate him & if you don't ask, you will never know.  Gathering courage, I would ask and it turned out that it wasn't the big deal to him that I made it in my mind.  Leaning on and trusting each other is what you and DH are doing.  I really hope you stay strong for each other.  Be clear in your signals and what you need.  Sometimes, I have to be by myself for a couple hours.  I explain that and the fact, that after, I will be fine.  You had some serious topics to deal with.  But it seems like you understand each other and what you each are going thru.  Great job.  It is so hard to trust like that.    You know, what you said about the money hit home.  We have the same income as before but this year it doesn't go far.  I think the economy's rising prices are sneaking up.  Five years ago, my cousing who is a farmer, predicted that fuel and food would sky rocket.  This was due to corn being used in Ethanol.  Said crops would be diverted to corn that sustained that instead of food harvesting.  He was correct.   Did you ever get another partner at work?  If doing overtime, don't wear yourself out.  Make sure you get time outside or spend a few hours of what you enjoy.  The money is nice but take care of you first.  Am a beginner at yoga but love meditation.  To end, you really do have courage and strength.  I learned that we never really know the depth of what we have until faced with the ultimate.  Everytime you think that you can't go a step further, you go another mile.  That is how I see it.  It isside of us waiting to be pulled up.  Later
Avatar universal
This is out of my realm of experience.  But I do realize that your feelings may be triggered by the last week's events.  It is normal.  You hate how you feel and it seems it will never stop.  Think back....it has stopped in the past.  It WILL stop again.  You need to work thru it and not let it run your life.  Stop punishing yourself for your honesty.  You did what you believed was the best thing to do.  That is all we can ask of ourselves as human beings. At least you try.  You are battling your emotions right now.  Take some time out to calm down, breath and relax.  Sounds lame, i know but it helps.  Go back to journeling out your emotions on paper.  You can always burn it later.  But it is some form of release for those emotions.  Do you have anxiety medication?  Most of all, regardless of all that happened, you are a decent person who is trying the best you can in difficult circumstnces.  Any person would react emotionally.  You reached out for help.  That shows your strength and courage.  Don't let go of all you have accomplished in your life.  The good feelings are still there and always remember that you will work thru this.  You have in the past and will again.  Don't stop reaching for help.  Sometimes, we cannot do it all alone.  The perspective of someone looking, without the emotional turmoil, can give you a perspective that you would have never seen.  Please take care of yourself and remember the good.
1066198 tn?1333312628
I have been on & off treatment for PMS (since age 15) and Depression/Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder and ADD from ??? til now..2007 was diagnosed Bipolar II-- Hypo-mania/mixed episodes and deep, deep depressive episodes, since then, add in OCD & PTSD .....

I use the online MEDHELP.ORG site for journaling, trackers & such, as well as handwritten journals, notes in my day planner, etc.

I take my meds very regularly... this is my daily cocktail:

50 mgs LAMICTAL (anti-convulsant- for BP)
20 mgs LEXAPRO (SSRI for depression)
60 mgs VYVANSE (Stimulant for focusing/ADD)
50 mgs ATENOLOL ( Beta-blocker for heart arrhythmia)
5 mgs VALIUM ( for anxiety) anywhere from 1/2 to 4 times a day
plus my SINGULAIR ( asthma) , NEXIUM (acid reflux)  
and several OTC Vitamin/Mineral supplements....

This weather and flooding--  post tornadoes, has me on super edge-- i couldn't get to work today... tomorrow ain't looking much better... Interstate  is still closed, a 2-3 mile stretch looks like a lake.... Last Monday, when the tornadoes hit here-- i was stranded at work-- 50 miles South-west of home, DD was home alone, DH was 50 miles North-west of home on a Gas well pad..... on the night shift... as he is this week, too....

I'm just freaked out in general right now... alot of stress..... vying for  a promotion at work, my work partner quit/was released this past Friday ( she had given 2 weeks notice, then wanted to withdraw it, company said no)... Not much luck in finding a suitable replacement..... Plus add to all the stress-- money--- or lack of--- Dear Old Uncle Sam cleaned us out this year-- all of our back up savings ( for checking) plus our OH-**** back up emergency funds account.... all at once... so we're struggling-- we both make good/decent money.. but...
Avatar universal
Have you spoken with the pharmacist about possible interactions from all the meds?  It is no wonder you are stressed with all these issues you have written about.  You are light years ahead of me in the journaling. Do you find any relief from stress, anger or anxiety with it?  I have found that it helps me to regroup my thoughts and see things clearer.  As far as tornados, I can totally relate to being on edge.  People joke about whether they would live with tornados or earthquakes.  I still haven't come up with an answer to that but I have experienced the former.  Being caught away from home or anyplace you can find safety is frightening beyond belief.  When you hear the radio announcer go 'Oh Crap!' and then there is silence, you know it is serious!  Yes, that did happen.  Do you keep in touch by cell phone?  That has to give you a little assurance knowing each other are safe. It's become a really tough economy lately.  I don't know how it happens, but you seem to be doing what you were doing all along and all of a sudden the money is gone.  It has to be prices sneaking up on us in all the essential things we need.  Medical bills are especially damaging.  Is there any way you can set up payment plans on anything you owe in order to ease the financial stress?  To at least give you a breather?  This is really wierd and I was stunned but the hospital neglected to bill me for 6 months.  Suddenly I get a collection letter.  After about 5 hours on the phone, the hospital admits to what they failed to bill me.  The collection agency offered a 20% reduction if I paid them.  In speaking with the hospital, they told me to go ahead and pay the agency. I questioned them on how it didn't provide incentive to pay the hospital immediately but they weren't worried about the amount they would eventually get.  We stress about making payments and then something like this happens.  Life is wierd.  But using up the emergency savings is serious.  I am not implying anything or asking for info but I do know that Consumer Credit Counseling offers assistance for free.  I only mention this because one time I was really stressed and lost track of finances.  I asked a friend to give me a hand.  Just listening helped me refocus and see where I could make some changes that really helped.  it is easy for me to sit here and give you platitudes.  But please know that it will ease up.  Just start taking one day at a time for now.  To me, times like this are like a whirlwind going around you and you are just trying to get grounded.  Keep reminding yourself that in the past it did get better.  This will also get better although it may be difficult.  In all honesty, I am in awe of you and that you deal with all these medical issues.  You need to realize that you are a strong individual.  Never sell yourself short. To deal with your health and all the other issues and do as well as you have really shows your courage and strength.  Mostly fortitude.  I wish I knew how to encourage you but you surpass anything I could say.  My doctor keeps pushing the benefits of yoga and relaxation.  I do the relaxation well (zzzzzz) but have only started the yoga.  Maybe there is something to it.  If all else fails, go crazy and start Zumba dancing to work off the stress!  lol  Yeah, like my neighbor would want to see me thru the window doing my version of Zumba dancing!  I will check back to see if you leave any updates.  
1066198 tn?1333312628
Today, May 5th... has been better-- yesterday too.. I've been able to let things settle in and stopped trying to over analyze everything... It's helped... Concentrating more on work, and less on hurt... DH & I were able to talk a little more last night about things-- helps us both to see where - or what area specifically, out of my past-- has done the most harm-- and look at possible reasons why... It's brought us to a better  understanding of each other, and a greater respect from him, towards me and why I have certain reactions....

Our finances haven't been totally out of control, but it just really threw us a curve ball-- going instantly from knowing we had a cushion for emergencies-- to having nothing to fall back on... and it took us 2 years to build it up. Of course-- we've compounded that issue by also adding more casual debt-- 4 or 5 credit cards, a little over spending on things that we really could have done without at the time.... but we're trying to make a joint and concerted effort to get our debt back  down, so we can get our savings back up... It'll be rough for a little while-- but not terrible. I'm getting a good bit of OT at work right now, since I'm working alone-- where there are usually two... So that'll help some too...

your comment: "To deal with your health and all the other issues and do as well as you have really shows your courage and strength.  Mostly fortitude.  I wish I knew how to encourage you but you surpass anything I could say. " ..... really WOW's me !!!!
i feel honored and humbled by that...

as for Yoga and Meditation-- Yes-- those are great!! I'm glad you have an MD that realizes natural methods are very effective and very beneficial to your health!!!  I am a firm believer-- and student of, natural healing.... Accupuncture and massage therapy are also great methods of stress and pain relief.... I desperately miss my Accupuncturist... Wish i could have brought her with me when we were transferred ( my husband's employer) from Colorado to Arkansas..... If you can find a good one-- it can relax and heal the mind and spirit as much as the body....

BTW--- what is "Zumba" ????  ( LOL....I feel a little out of the loop here!)

Thanks! It's so nice to have SOMEONE to chat with about things....
Avatar universal
ZUMBA:  my hairdresser loves this stuff. I guess this is a recent excersize 'with fun' by dancing to great music.  Tried to find it at the stores but couldn't find a beginner cd.  She loves it and said it is a great work out.  Much better than Richard Simmons?, I ask?  Who?, she replies.  lol    
1066198 tn?1333312628
oh! LOL...

Kids and i have done that foe years! Just being silly & having fun... I sometimes do it alone -- like a day I'm cleaning house-- crank up the stereo to some good heavy beat tunes and knock myself out !! ( hoping none of the neighbors see- though! )

So funny.... "who?"  ( is Richard Simmons... ) guess that really dates us, huh ????
Avatar universal
Yeah, yeah.  Go ahead and insult my age!  You're funny.   I love being silly with the kids.  Teaching them to be prepared for the unexpected.  Recently threw a small glass of water on my youngest at the dinner table.  I warned the child I was about to do it.  My spouse told me I broke the Mother/child trust.  I denied that.  I said I enforced it by warning the kids ahead of time.  I asked each child if they could 'trust' mom.  Each said 'Oh Yeah!.  She does what she says!' .  See.  Fun is good.  Told my spouse he needed to be around more often and learn! LOL   Like has many unexpected turns and you have to be ready to go with the change and keep a sense of humor.   How are things?  Too much rain here.  But it keeps the stereos and lawn mowers quiet for a day or two!   Am processing some new PTSD treatment that I learned.  So far, it has been positive.  Been on Pristiq and like it.  I did a lot of research and decided to ask my doctor about it.  I have been thru a number of meds and had the sedative effect.  This is different.  Most of the reviews were positive and I have to give it the same comment. Expensive through.   I have been blasting the music lately myself.  Feels good.  Haven't danced while cleaning.  That might be fun.  I have made an important change and invited a friend to come over and play on my computer while I clean.  That helps keep me moving, just having someone in the house and to talk to.  I wonder if I can write that off on my taxes?  Ya think? !    
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