think my friend was a victim of rape/incest as a child

[Chanelruca]

I started dating someone a few months ago, an adult male professional whom I've known prior to dating. His behavior was extremely romantic and we had a lot in common. He seems to cycle every 3 months--we'd get close then he'd create some type of chaos to separate for a while. He wanted to know what he needed to become for me to want and need him (red flag).I ultimately discovered he runs several relationships at the same time. Almost behaves like he has 2 different personalities. I have caught him in numerous lies. He leads women on.He either responds back on email or to my face with a lie and seems to be unaware of the lies. Based on the "clues" he has indirectly given me, and what I know about him through others, I am 99% certain he was sexually victimized as a child by his Mom (an alcoholic,now deceased) or a female caretaker. I have been researching incest as a result. I know I cannot rescue someone and I don't think he'd respond well to my disclosing that I've guessed what his skeleton in the closet is. At the same time I hate to see someone I care about continue to take such high risks that he may lose his professional career.He has already come close to doing so.

Any suggestions as to what I can do to help him anonymously or otherwise? The good side is really good, but the bad side is totally lost and confused. I thought he might be an expert manipulator at first but now I'm not so sure...

[hunneybear]

As a victim of rape/incest myself let me offer you some advice. I was a victim of my father from age 15 to age 22, resulting in the birth of 3 children. I was hospitalized, beaten, well let's just say it was the most traumatic experience of my life, and I have 3 daily reminders for the rest of my life. I understand your concern, but there is a lot of shame, guilt and blame to deal with. As beneficial as it will be for him to talk about it, you need to let him come to you. That will take time. He has to know that he can trust you whole heartedly, before he'll be willing to share. AND most importantly, if he does come to you, don't bombard him with questions. It's an incredible long healing process, and it requires much, support and understanding. You might be surprised to find he probably knows that you suspect. The more you talk to him, the more he may open up. When, and only when he's ready can you offer him the help and support that he needs. Your best bet is to get a hold of a rape/crisis center or R.A.I.N.N (Rape, Abuse, incest national network) and speak to a councellor. www.rainn.org

I am now 31 years old, I am a stay at home mom who is happily married. My husband is well aware of my situation, and I don't think I could have made it through all of this with out him. I was lucky to be able to find some closure for a short time, as I had my dad charge and he was jailed. Now I have to worry about the fact that he is due to be released this year and the 14 year old daughter that we share could be his next target.

[margypops]

This is a tough one, I am inclined to say to you "run a mile" running several relationships doesnt bode well for you having any future with hiim if you are hoping for that. The only way he can be helped really if he was abused is by counseling/Therapy he has to want to seek help you cant do it for him ,the only way would be to have a talk with him and tell him  you care and that you feel he could use some help..You need to look after yourself I think you will only have heartache if you take this on, you can however advise and let him choose to take that advice or not..Good Luck