Aa
No want for sex, my BF's really upset
This isn't a simple question, this is also a confession and i feel I need to talk in detail to gain the useful help.
It started with my first crush. My virginity was still intact, I was 14 when I fell in love with a man 9 years older than me. I had a crush on him, now and then he indicated that he liked me too. I was almost crazy for him. Then suddenly he got engaged with another girl called `Sake'. I was crushed, then the depression began. He wouldn't contact me. He didn't say that he was even in love. I was shocked and I sought sex. Being depressed all the time made me look like a freak, so boys never looked at me. I took up violin and singing out of grief and was very good at it. I thought I had to move on.
But sex is a part of growing up which I wasn't getting at all. So I started to have `phone sex' with boys I don't know. I started to like one of these boys and shared my feelings and secrets with him. I never saw him but talking to him a satisfying thing and you could say I was addicted to him. I loved to have dirty chats with him over phone when suddenly one day I got a hint that he was exposing my secrets and my sexual conversation with him with his friends and called me a `crazy freak' I got really pissed and stopped having contacts with him. My mind somehow was still with my first crush. His name was Ron.
1 year and 3 months later suddenly I contacted him and then he confessed that he certainly did like and even thought of marrying me someday(!) He said he was about to break the engagement for me and he did. The girl called Sake was pissed and hit him. I was 16 and then on one romantic rainy afternoon, completely unexpectedly we started making out and I lost my virginity rather painfully. Three months later we had a messy break up. I was again in a shock and agitation and sought comfort. I found my 2nd boyfriend. We had sex on our first date and it was the 5th time I had it. Despite the fact the I was totally hungry for sex, I did not enjoy him.
I had another messy break up months later. In this 8 months I enjoyed it occasionally but his constant begging for sex was leaving me tired. I wanted to talk and do fun things. He wanted nothing and nothing and nothing more from me except for sex and in return he bought me things. After breaking up with him he became very crazy but I was already dating 2 guys. One of them was the lead vocalist on the band I worked then(I was also the vocalist.), and the another was a short guy who was funny. The vocalist and I had a complicated relation as we had grown good friends who kissed and had anal sex. But we broke apart after I decided to be with the short guy, who I discovered later to be a jerk. He had a gorgious physic but I did not enjoy it with him. 3 months later we broke up but i was still in contact with the vocalist who liked me. I got back to my old BF.
I thought that he had learned his lesson and for a few months he did seem like a good lover but now it has begun again and he was nothing more except for sex and we are slowly falling apart as I want him to go away himself. The vocalist meanwhile found a new lover and is happy with his reputation.
Now I am 18 and I feel that I want regular sexual intercourses. I want my sex to be like poetry and not the only desirable thing in the world. I hate sex chats and porns and boys who know nothing but sex. I am waiting for a meaningful unexpected sex, as if it's my first time because my first sex was a mistake. Sometimes I feel like I want my virginity back. I don't want to have stupid sex anymore. Definitely not with my BF. I want it to be more unique and beautiful which I did not got to get yet. Are there really any boys out there who doesn't think sex to be their priority number 1?
My BF left me at my room after an angry out burst coz I didn't wanna have sex with him. He does this often. Although he never raped me or he ever won't, he emotionally blackmails me often and in return he keeps me dependent on him by helping me with some of my personal things, it's like I can't escape. Did I mention he has an extremely small ****? I don't want to be with him anymore.
We are breaking apart and I have this problem called `post traumatic disorder'. All that happened in the past and the process of how we are breaking up so slowly is hurting me. He will leave for England soon, I hope he forgets me at there.
It started with my first crush. My virginity was still intact, I was 14 when I fell in love with a man 9 years older than me. I had a crush on him, now and then he indicated that he liked me too. I was almost crazy for him. Then suddenly he got engaged with another girl called `Sake'. I was crushed, then the depression began. He wouldn't contact me. He didn't say that he was even in love. I was shocked and I sought sex. Being depressed all the time made me look like a freak, so boys never looked at me. I took up violin and singing out of grief and was very good at it. I thought I had to move on.
But sex is a part of growing up which I wasn't getting at all. So I started to have `phone sex' with boys I don't know. I started to like one of these boys and shared my feelings and secrets with him. I never saw him but talking to him a satisfying thing and you could say I was addicted to him. I loved to have dirty chats with him over phone when suddenly one day I got a hint that he was exposing my secrets and my sexual conversation with him with his friends and called me a `crazy freak' I got really pissed and stopped having contacts with him. My mind somehow was still with my first crush. His name was Ron.
1 year and 3 months later suddenly I contacted him and then he confessed that he certainly did like and even thought of marrying me someday(!) He said he was about to break the engagement for me and he did. The girl called Sake was pissed and hit him. I was 16 and then on one romantic rainy afternoon, completely unexpectedly we started making out and I lost my virginity rather painfully. Three months later we had a messy break up. I was again in a shock and agitation and sought comfort. I found my 2nd boyfriend. We had sex on our first date and it was the 5th time I had it. Despite the fact the I was totally hungry for sex, I did not enjoy him.
I had another messy break up months later. In this 8 months I enjoyed it occasionally but his constant begging for sex was leaving me tired. I wanted to talk and do fun things. He wanted nothing and nothing and nothing more from me except for sex and in return he bought me things. After breaking up with him he became very crazy but I was already dating 2 guys. One of them was the lead vocalist on the band I worked then(I was also the vocalist.), and the another was a short guy who was funny. The vocalist and I had a complicated relation as we had grown good friends who kissed and had anal sex. But we broke apart after I decided to be with the short guy, who I discovered later to be a jerk. He had a gorgious physic but I did not enjoy it with him. 3 months later we broke up but i was still in contact with the vocalist who liked me. I got back to my old BF.
I thought that he had learned his lesson and for a few months he did seem like a good lover but now it has begun again and he was nothing more except for sex and we are slowly falling apart as I want him to go away himself. The vocalist meanwhile found a new lover and is happy with his reputation.
Now I am 18 and I feel that I want regular sexual intercourses. I want my sex to be like poetry and not the only desirable thing in the world. I hate sex chats and porns and boys who know nothing but sex. I am waiting for a meaningful unexpected sex, as if it's my first time because my first sex was a mistake. Sometimes I feel like I want my virginity back. I don't want to have stupid sex anymore. Definitely not with my BF. I want it to be more unique and beautiful which I did not got to get yet. Are there really any boys out there who doesn't think sex to be their priority number 1?
My BF left me at my room after an angry out burst coz I didn't wanna have sex with him. He does this often. Although he never raped me or he ever won't, he emotionally blackmails me often and in return he keeps me dependent on him by helping me with some of my personal things, it's like I can't escape. Did I mention he has an extremely small ****? I don't want to be with him anymore.
We are breaking apart and I have this problem called `post traumatic disorder'. All that happened in the past and the process of how we are breaking up so slowly is hurting me. He will leave for England soon, I hope he forgets me at there.
From my reading of your Post I would have to volunteer that you might be a candidate for an antidepressant and a therapist - a neutral ear never hurts - And you may have built your expectations up a little too high - - - - sexual relationships are seldom like poetry - - life is full of both ups and downs....... Your first sexual experience wasnt the best.....you want your virginity back - - - Your relationship is slowly falling apart.....even though you want him to leave...............You have a lot of conflicting thoughts and actions here. Get some face to face help with this one.......
What is your question though, because this seems like just a story you're telling us?
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the PTSD / Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Community
Find out what can trigger a panic attack – and what to do if you have one.
A guide to 10 common phobias.
Take control of tension today.
These simple pick-me-ups squash stress.
Don’t let the winter chill send your smile into deep hibernation. Try these 10 mood-boosting tips to get your happy back
Want to wake up rested and refreshed?
