7 year old help!!

[Jeremy0077]

I'm a stay at home dad of 2 strong willed daughters, 7 and 3. My background. I was the breadwinner when my first daughter was born. My wife stayed home for the first 3 years of her life. My wife then got a career that dwarfed mine so we switched. Then my second darter was born. I have been home with her from day one.
My oldest daughter has ALWAYS been difficult. She's stubborn to rival myself and my wife put together. She has always listened to my wife but I have always struggled to gain her respect. These days she talks back to me, is completely disrespectful and will not listen to me unless I yell. I HATE yelling!! When my wife is around she doesn't act quite as badly because she know she can't get away with it. It seems like my level of anger has to get worse and worse to affect her. Ive tried spankings, time outs, grounding her from everything she likes, positive reinforcement, etc. nothing works. whats worse is that her behavior is rubbing off on my 3 year old. She's a perfect angel when she's out of the house away from me (according to everyone I talk to). I love her to death but I don't like her at all and that scares me to death. I'm failing as a father and I'm at the end of my rope. Please help

[rockland45]

Hi Jeremy~

Well, sounds like you might have a strong-willed child on your hands! And they can certainly test the patience of the best of us! So, know you're not alone.

But, I know I've read that with kids of this nature the key is to keep cool and confident when dealing with behavior issues (easier said than done I know!). I think it just makes them feel more in control when they know they can make us loose it! So, take care of yourself, get your rest, and work on trying to minimize the yelling when possible (maybe look into a book called Screamfree Parenting by Hal Runkel?).

Then, as others have mentioned, it's important to really spell out to your daughter your expectations for her behavior and the consequences when she doesn't obey. Then make sure you follow through on whatever you say. And, perhaps at this age concentrate on discipline strategies that involve time-outs or suspension of privileges. I've read that spanking doesn't seem to be as effective as kids get older.

Of course, on the other side of the coin, really go out of your way to catch your daughter in good behaviors as well. Then really praise her and use that positive reinforcement. Taking time to sit down and talk with her about what may be motivating her behavior when things go badly might also be a good idea.

So, just some strategies to consider. I know there's lots more info on this if you pick up books like Have a New Kid by Friday by Kevin Leman or Dr. Dobson's The New Strong-Willed Child. And you should be able to find them at a local library or online. Hope it helps!

[Jeremy0077]

Thank you for the comments. I figured a punishment was only a punishment if she didn't like it. She is so stubborn that she can just convince herself that she really doesn't want what ever it was that I took away. She has always been that way. If I told her she couldn't have any ice cream if she didn't eat her dinner, she would just say she didn't want ice cream. Then she would be perfectly indifferent whe we ate it in front of her.

[ROSYouralright]

I second EVERYTHING Mark said.... Children actually crave structure...consistent discipline is necessary! If you say your going to do something...DO IT! Don't make empty threats! Parenting is hard...We didn't get instruction manuals and we have to wing it and learn as we go :)

[MarkLakewood3367]

If you want your daughter to respect you as a disciplinarian, you must choose a discipline and stick with it when she engages in this type of behavior.  Do not worry about her reaction to the discipline.  Too many parents give up on discipline when they do not get the desired reaction.  Discipline does not change behavior.  The child needs to want to change the behavior.  When your child sees that you are consistent with the discipline, she will be more inclined to change her behavior thus providing an incentive for behavior change.  I would stay away from spankings and begin using consistent timeouts with your children.  Among other things, spanking cause aggressive behavior, low self esteem, and poor academic achievement.

You should never discipline your children when you were angry.  You should discipline the behavior before your anger takes over.  Never give several warnings.  Always begin disciplining when the behavior occurs.