This isn't going to make me popular....

[LauraB78]

I know this is going to upset a lot of you fantastic women on this board that are ttc. I had posted 2 weeks ago unsure what to do b/c of my situation...

I am 29 years old (until tomorrow..the big 3-0) and I am soo stressed out. My (ex) and I cannot have a conversation without screaming. He is so mean to me that I am starting to wonder if keeping this baby ( I am 8 weeks) is the right decision. This poor child will be brought into a world w/ parents whom are not only living totally seperately, but cannot stand each other. I have very little money, and this baby means I would have to find a place of my own. I currently have room mates and live in a super expensive area of the world and DOUBT I could continue living here. I have no family anywhere nearby, and even if they were, none are in a position to assist me.. I have NO idea what to do. I am totally stressed out. I need advice.

I have heard of programs to help single mother's and many are NOT available here. I LOVE my job and I love where I live. Having this baby means my lifestyle will totally take a downfall and I will lose my job, my demographic (so to speak) and everything semi-stable I do have. I am not a selfish person, but I honestly am doubting me decision. I know no one else can make it for me, but I am feeling helpless and lost... I swear I am not usually such a whiner but I have never been so depressed and lonely in all my life.


PLEASE ADVISE!!

[Shannon125]

I think you should seriously consider adoption then. Many couples would love to have a baby but cannot and they are willing to pay for all medical expenses during the pregnancy so I would seriously look into finding an adoption resource. Where are you from? It looks as though from your profile that you live in Massachusetts and if so, I as well live in Massachusetts and know of plenty of resources that could assist you if you decided to keep the baby or if you decided to give up for adoption. Either way, I think you need to put some serious thought into this before you make any rash decisions. Just because you are single and don't get along with the father does not mean you wouldn't be an excellent mother.

[Cheesecake7]

I dont think it will upset anyone, it sounds like you are trying to do what is right for the baby. You are concerned about the babies life and future, and I think it is commendable that you are thinking of that, because many do not and babies are born into bad situations. Good for you for thinking about the future.
Like you said, no one can make this decision for you. It is one that you need to make for yourself, so that you can have peace with it. Make sure that you are thinking about it from all angles and that you are content with whichever decision you make, because you dont want to question yourself later. I hope that you reach a decision that you are comfortable with. : )

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I believe that there is always a way.  

But if you don't think that you can or want to do this right now, have you considered adoption?  

I commend you on trying to think of everything.  That means you are already a responsible parent.  There will be sacrifices that will probably have to be made if you keep your baby, but honestly, that's what being a parent is all about.  It is about sacrifice.  And I'd be lying if I said that your life won't change after having a baby, but IMO, it will change for the better.  I have 5 kids and they inspire me everyday to be the very best that I can be.  They motivate me to want more and to keep going even when things are difficult.  Your love for your children isn't even one I can describe.  It's just the deepest love that you can feel.  And from your post, it seems like you do want your baby.  It just seems like you're scared and don't know what to do or where to turn.  I know there are programs everywhere for women in your situation.  I recommend you looking for a pregnancy crisis center near you.  You can just google Pregnancy Help/Crisis Center and then put your city and state.  They will know how and where you can get help.

If I could help you anymore, I swear that I would.  I can tell you that I am here anytime you need to talk.  I was 17 and pregnant and scared at one time of my life.  I know how it feels.

Please keep us updated.  I would try to do a search for you, but I don't know the city that you live in.

[LosingMyMindInGA]

First of all, it's completely understandable that you are feeling this way given your current situation.  There ARE ways to make it work, though it would require sacrifice on your part.  Having a child ALWAYS does...regardless of where you live, how much money you make or if you are married or single.  Sacrifice is ALWAYS involved.  Only YOU can make a decision on this.  I'm not sure what you mean by "keeping" this baby so I'm going to address both options.

If you choose that parenthood isn't for you right now you're more than likely thinking about either abortion or adoption or both.

abortion:  keep in mind that at 8 wks this child has a beating heart, it's brain and other organs are developing.  To abort this child would in essence be taking another life.  If this is an option you are seriously considering I URGE YOU in the strongest way to REALLY REALLY educate yourself on abortion.  I had one when I was 17 and knew nothing about the procedure and i am now almost 31, I have other children and I STILL regret what I did and I hate myself for doing that to an innocent child.  They can feel and kick and move and observations have shown them struggling to get away from the doctors.  I wont' go into the different methods of abortion...I will just say PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE research this.  If you want more info, send me a pm. You may already know or you may not.  This isn't something many people discuss and many poeple have NO CLUE how abortions are performed.

Adoption:  If you feel that keeping this child would put more of a burden on you than you can handle right now...adoption is a WONDERFUL alternative.  Not only would you be allowing this life inside you to grow and prosper, you would be giving a loving couple (or even single individual) the more precious gift...something they themselves could not acquire on their own.  There are many people who are willing to pay medical bills and other associated costs such as maternity clothes for a woman who is willing to let them adopt her baby.  I strongly recommend you check this option out as well.

I would also like to recommend that you get some form of counseling before making ANY decision.  In a situation such as yours, with so much stress, it's not easy to make rational choices.  Talking this through with someone completely unbiased and who KNOWS of the resources out there would be VERY beneficial to you.  If you don't have insurance, go to the local health department.  I don't recommend making such a life altering decision without a little extra help.  

I would be more than happy to discuss this with you further in a pm if you so choose.  I wish you the best of luck and I hope in the end things will work out for you.  

[LauraB78]

I don't think I could carry a child to term, then give it away. I am not cut out for that type of selflessness. I am just being honest.

Also, my ex says if  I carry the child, he would not allow adoption.. He wants involvement w/ the baby when the baby arrives but has made it clear he thinks I can just pump breast milk and drop the baby off right away for overnights. He is treating me like BD'ed with his best friend or something (I didn't so anything wrong). He has just been rotton and impossible to deal with

[Cheesecake7]

I agree that adoption would be wonderful avenue to consider, and there are many organizations that will pay your expenses and give you a say in choosing birth parents, what a blessing that would be for a family.  I dont know if you have one in your state, but here we have an organization called Lutheran Children and Family Services, and it is great, I have heard.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Unless that was okay with you, I can almost guarantee that no state would make overnights mandatory until the child is 2.  Here in Texas, overnights don't start until the child is 2 and even then it is every other weekend and it is only for 1 night (not both).  

As for the ex.....I would tell him, when you speak to him, that if he can't be nice and support you (at least with the pregnancy) not to contact you.  If he cares about this baby and wants involvement, he should also want it to be happy and healthy.  Putting undue stress on you while you are pregnant, is not good for you OR the baby.  I would tell him that you will let him know when you have the baby but that you don't want to hear from him until then!!!!

I also agree with LosingMyMindInGA in that if you are considering abortion, to PLEASE educate yourself fully before making a decision so drastic and one that you can't take back.  Many women do it, and many women regret it forever.

[LosingMyMindInGA]

It would be hard to give your child away....but look at it like this...you could live the rest of your life knowing that either..

a) your child is growing up in a wonderful loving home and was given a chance to thrive.

or

b) you killed your own child becuase you were unable to selfless for that child.  

Honestly, hun, in the end I think you would FAR MORE regret an abortion than you would adoption.  Besides there are always open adoptions where you can continue to be a part of the childs life...just not as the mother.  

I think right now you need to act as if your EX does not exist.  DO NOT allow him to influence your decision.  You DO always have the option of allowing him to take physical custody of the child and you just have visitation rights...but you would have to pay child support.  OR you could give him the child to raise on his own and sign away your own parental rights.

You have SOOO Many options.  Coming from someone who kicks herself EVERY DAY for having an abortion I really really really think you should lean towards another avenue.  It's been almost 14 years since I had mine and every day the guilt and shame and disgust at myself gets deeper and deeper.  Even though I was only 17 and I was naive...it doesn't change the fact of what I did and I will live with that regret for the rest of my life.  Please don't put yourself through that.  I know you say that you aren't that selfless.  But I think you are...if you weren't you wouldn't even be considering this childs future at all... you're a stronger woman than you think you are.  

[rachie204]

there are many places that allow open adpotions.  In an open adoption the baby is raised by the adoptive couple, but the birth parents are entitled to contact with the child.  You can often times find couples who want the birth parents involved and want the baby to know it's parents.  Maybe this is an option you could live with.

[krissyy]

i agree 100%!

[LauraB78]

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. I really do appreciate it! There is very little available here for assistance. I live in a very wealthy community where people in situations like mine don't really exist, and the ones that do, have very wealthy families..
I do NOT have that luxury. I work my butt off for everything, and have very little as is.


Just to clarify.
The options I was referring to was
a.) keep the baby and figure it all out...or
b.) termination/abortion.

Adoption is not something I am comfortable with and I am not willing to consider it, and neither is the baby's jerky Father. If I carry a baby for 9 months, I am not giving it away. I know me, and I KNOW I couldn't do that. Thanks for the input on that though...

Also, how do I pretend my ex doesn't exist when he wants to go to appts. and such but he barely answers my calls and when he does, he says that my concerns "cannot be addressed right this minute and I need to calm down." I am constantly told I am annoying and I am doing the wrong thing.. I am at a loss.. I do NOT understand how he thinks it's ok for me to keep him in the loop w/ appointments and such, but he has no interest in the planning stages OR helping me figure things out. He acts like he hates me and stresses on us "living seperate lives." I understand not being a couple, that is fine with me.. But how the hell do you live completely seperately, but want to be involved, but not really... all when you have a baby on the way?? He is 43 years old and acts 12.. I am so frustrated and disgusted w/ him right now, it's unreal!!!

[leighanne143]

do what is right to you.  i may not be liked here after stating this but i am pro-choice, it is my own personal right to have the belief.  i work in the human service field and see what happens to all the children who are born into bad situations cause they end up in the system.  i also do not agree that every child gets adopted, most end up wards of the state and again i see them in my field of work also.  No i do not agree that someone who is careless and gets pregnant over and over again should have abortions, she should learn how to use protection, but in your case you need to do what you feel is right.  what doe your ex want?  i know you two are fighting but you should try to sit down and figure out what is best for both of you.

[ziggysgrl0724]

listen Laura...you really need to do what you feel DEEP DOWN is right for you.  This is the rest of your life your talking about.  And no one can or should make this decision for you.  I am 100% pro choice....I don;t believe a woman should carry a baby out of guilt or any other reason other then the fact that she 100% wants this baby, or is willing to give it up for adoption.  I know I couldnt do adoption either...what you need to do is sit down with yourself, or someone that really isnt involved..and kay it all out..make a pro con list, do what you need to do.....neither decision will be easy, but in the end I believe the answer will come to you from inside you.  only you know whats best for you.  Good luck!!!

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Well, I am pro life 100% so I can't give you any advice on abortion other than to make an informed decision and I would tell you that about any decision you were making.  If I am making a decision about anything I want all the information I can get my hands on.  And this is a big one.

Whatever you decide, will be something that you have to live with for the rest of your life so just remember that.

As far as the ex.....I just wouldn't answer any of his phone calls and I wouldn't call him back either.  Or tell him what you just told us.  One minute he wants to be involved and the other minute he doesn't want to be bothered.  I'd tell him to make up his mind!!!  Heck there is always e-mail if talking to him is too difficult.

I wish you the best of luck with this decision as I know it isn't an easy one.

[JoyRenee]

Laura, it's a tough position to be in. But remember, many women have been in your situation and have sacrificed many things for the sake of their child. I believe if you did end up keeping your child, you would not regret it! You just said you're not comfortable with abortion. Honestly, if you research it from neutral sources (not just the religious ones) you'll find that it is going to be painful emotionally for the rest of your life.

As for the father, he has rights too, no matter if he is a jerk. My husband and I get into arguments and even screaming matches. Is it right? No, but even after the fight is over we use it as teaching tools to help our children. Not to mention having our children has taught us a lot about patience, sacrifice, getting along, and controlling our anger.

I can't say it will change him, but it might! Fatherhood is hard and if he's willing, at least you have that much!

[Kim1989]

your not the only own who is in that situation. my babies father left me at 6 weeks for his ex.he told me he hated me. he told me he would make me miscarry. he told me im a *****. he told me if i did have this baby he would take him away from me and put him up for adoption. he told me he hoped the baby and i died right before he left for boot camp. he would not talk to me. i was a wreck the entire pregnancy. i felt alone scarred and worried. his father and i would fight. he punched me in my face and busted my lip so bad my mom took me to the hospital to make sure i didnt need any stitches. so yeah we would fight and scream at eachother.

****i couldnt have an abortion becasuse i knew i couldnt deal with that guilt. having an aboriton is forever and you cant go back and change that. but if you continue with the pregnancy at very least you could give your child up for adoption.

i dont and didnt want my son to grow up in a broken home and i still struggle with him not having a father (i feel). but he has a mother! he has people who love him more than anything! and i look at him now and i couldnt even imagin having had an abortion. he has brought me so much joy and happiness! there are so many children in this world with no fathers or grow up in a broken home. but they have strong mothers. if you do decied to keep your baby YOU CAN DO IT.  YOU WILL FIND WAY

i would recomend giving you baby up for adoption. your child will love you so much if you give him or her the chance at life. that way you give you baby a chance. its a big decision you have to make and i wish you the best!

[nikko*ttc]

From someone who has been in your shoes... My first child was with another person. He was and still is totally irresponsible. He has tried more than once for partial custody, but his actions have even disallowed unsupervised visitations. It was so hard at first. I just knew that abortion was not for me and that there was no way I could handle adoption. Just knowing that a child I created would be out there somewhere gave me a bad feeling. I ultimately decided to keep the child myself and work it out as it came. It was really hard those first couple of years. I had to fight the babies daddy and his mother for full custody of her. Currently, babies fathers mother gets visitation 1st and 3rd weekend of every month as well as two weeks in the summer, and he has the option to see here only under her supervision. Between the time I had her, I went back to school and earned my BS degree and am currently working on my MS. If it wasn't for education there is no way I could be in the situation ready to have another child again. Of course it helps to have a loving husband and two incomes now. But I didn't have that to start with. You say you are in an area that you really like but is very expensive. I understand that as well. Ever looked up the cost of living in the DC area, not where I currently live either. I am now in TN, much cheaper to live here. I had to sacrifice alot to keep a roof over our heads but looking back it wa well worth it. Alot of work places have a 800 number that you can use to talk to a counselor, they will also tell you about programs available in your area. Hopefully your job is portable and you may be able to find something else better. But you never know unless you try. It is scary to consider all the changes of pregnancy and then all the changes in your life. If you need someone to talk to just PM me, be glad to help in anyway I can. Just to let you know, it wasn't as hard going back to school to get a degree as most people think. You get more funding from the government as a mother in the way of grants, scholarships, and loans. When I made the inital steps, I figured I would try it out but there was no way I could afford it. I was offered a grant that covered all of my tuition, scholarships that covered my books and gas, and then I borrowed the max from the government to help pay my day to day bills. I was able to get a job on campus that allowed me to basically get paid to do my homework and I only had to work part-time to make up for the little odds and ends like new clothes for daughter and medical expenses. You can make it but only if you try, but first you need a plan.

[rachie204]

i dont really know what to say but I offer my story in hopes of some way being a help to you.  When I was 16 I got pregnant and my parents although strong christians freaked and urged me to go to the abortion clinic.  I went and was told to come back the next day if I wanted the abortion.  I was 12 weeks an horrified, I hadnt finished school and I couldnt care for a baby.  I knew I could not go back to that place though.  I found a chrisitan maternity home www.thelivingvine.org  and decided to stay there for the duration of my pregnancy.  While there I began to see God and knew that I wanted to keep my baby.  My son was born while I was still 16, and had no father.  My parents who were very against the pregnancy in the beginning were the proudest grandparents ever.  After giving birth I got my GED and enrolled in college, I got my real estate license and began work.  By the time my son was 6 months old I began dating my now husband and he is the best father ever.  In the beginning I had no idea what i would do or where  i would turn but in the end i found my way.  I do not support abortion but that is a decision only you can make for yourself.  I have no regrets at all.  I think it would be worth it to move if you decide to keep the child to some place that has more assistance, esecially since you dont have any family where you are.  There will always be other jobs, I wish you the best and hope you make the right decision for you and your baby.

[martikadragoon]

I feel for you, I really do. And I understand about how you couldn't carry the baby 9 months and give it up. and YES it is your choice.
but honestly... I see abortion as a SELFISH choice because it's only making your life better, it's doing nothing but ending a life that could be a good one in this world.

You may not think you can handle/raise a baby. But I'm telling you, you can find a way, any woman can esp. if it's they're child.. If your EX is such a jerk, then you need to speak to him about arranging custody NOW for the child. He will HAVE to help you out by paying child support which can help you a great deal.

You DO have child care options in MA.  You've got WIC available. I looked it up to be sure. And I'm sure there are other options like Medicaid for health care for you and the baby. which you'll be eligible for . You CAN keep your job, and your work is REQUIRED by LAW under FMLA to give you the required 6-8 weeks off after childbirth. As well as up to 4months total of leave if you become disabled and sent to bedrest due to pregnancy.

There ARE options, and you need to explore ALL of them before you make a decision.

No I'm not downing you. But it breaks my heart every time I hear of a woman who's aborted a perfect child... I had to deal with reading a story of a woman who aborted her baby due to Down Syndrome... THE DAY I Found out my son has it. I cried... but couldn't blame her because it is a tough thing to handle........ I hope you make your decision and are able to make one you'll never regret.

I'd also suggest even tho your not interested in it looking into Open Adoption. you may find something you like, and if the father contests it, then you need to have him PROVE he can help you care for the baby.  

[Crysi]

I am totally pro choice (in early abortion) and I am sorry that people on here are trying to make you feel guilty for considering abortion as an option.

I do not think that it is a selfish option, you know what is best for you and what you can and can not do. If you are unable to provide for a child at this time, with no home to bring this child into (not in a marital sense as in a house) you need to decide whether you can do that. This is not selfish, this is realizing that you may not be able to give a child a "proper" life.

I miscarried at 8 weeks and it was devastating to me, only after I lost my baby did I really realize how much I wanted him/her. Which isn't something that you will be able to determine untill after it is too late. Think about what emotionally you can handle, guilt, loss, etc.

Just please do not give merit to the pro life people on here pumping propaganda at you, they are not you and can not possibly pass judgement on you and your choices.

Best of luck with you decision.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

No one is trying to make her feel guilty.  We are only giving her OUR OPINIONS just as you did.  This is an open forum and she did ask for opinions and she got them.  From both sides.

Pumping propaganda???  Are you serious??  Not give our opinions any merit??  That is quite a bold statement from someone that is no different from anyone else on here.  Don't know why your opinion deserves more merit than anyone elses.  I am not trying or going to argue with you.  But no one on here is trying to make her feel guilty.  Just simply giving opinions just as she asked for.

[Mumita]

I agree 100% with Crysi, DON'T LET ANYONE MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY ABOUT YOUR DECISIONS. Its your life, your body and NO ONE has the right to tell you what you should or shouldn't do.  They aren't GOD to tell you whats GOOD or BAD.
You are the only person that can decide what you want to do, and hopefully you will make a decision with no regrets either keeping the baby or not.  Both have the potential of having regrets. I don't think its selfish, and I don't think being a mother is necesarilly what we women are put on this world to do.  Not everyone needs to be a  mother.  I wouldn't get pregnant or have a baby if I wasn't 100% secure with my partner.  I think that every child deserves a good father and mother.  I was raised with split up parents and its not easy, every single day since I was 7 years old I wanted both of my parents together and it did hurt growing up not seeing my mother every day.  You do grow up feeling "abandoned", I do  not believe in adoption as I've worked with foster and kids that have been put on adoption, many of them don't get adopted and move from home to home...I would hate myself to put my child through that.

With all of that said (and I will probably not have many people talking to me now in this forum); How will the baby's dad react if you had an abortion, being that he's already reacting like an a$$hole if you do have the baby?  

[LosingMyMindInGA]

I went through the same stuff with my oldests "sperm donor".  He swore he wanted to be a good father, yadda yadda yadda.  But when I left him (for various reasons including abuse and drug use) he dropped me like hot potato.  BUT kept spouting off about wanting to be there for his child.  I know you can't REALLY forget about it, I was meaning more along the lines of not taking into consideration his comments etc.  I had to get to a point where I made sure my ex knew when and where my appts were and if he showed great if not i didn't expect him to to begin with.  The ONLY thing he did was show up at the hospital acting like a complete idiot.  And that's the last he saw of his daughter...she'll be 12 next month.  I was one month shy of turning 19 when I had her.  I lived with my mom who was living on disability.  I, too lived in an affluent area with little assistance avaible.  I worked and made do with what I COULD get...that being medicaid, Wic and FOOD stamps.  After had a previous abortion at 17 there was no question that I wasn't going to keep my daughter.  It WILL Be a struggle...but in the end it's definately worth it.  I struggled for a few years and eventuallymet my husband. He took my daughter in and has raised her as his own.  We've been together (not without problems but we work thru them) for almost 9 years now.

There IS hope and it CAN be done.  You just need to learn to believe in yourself.  

[LauraB78]

I appreciate ALL the advice and ALL the opinions. I feel like somehow I have started a conflict here and that definitely was not my intention.

I am also pro-choice. I always have been.. But this is MY body now and MY baby, and abortion doesn't "feel" right for ME. I will never judge another woman for any decision she makes with her body. ( well, unless abortion is done as a form of "birth control"...like repeatedly.. I DO have a problem with that!)

SO... I appreciate all the adoption (not an option) abortion (not an option), and keeping the baby advice (this is what I want to do in my heart of hearts, I just don't know HOW).

My ex is actually a highly intelligent man. He has his own issues from his upbringing and always thought that when it was his turn to be a parent, he would do it the "right" way. We both always envisioned being in a happy & stable marriage prior to thinking about children.. This was unplanned. We were both under the impression that conception was impossible while a woman was menstrating, and this is untrue.. Although unlikely, it DOES happen. This is how our child was conceived.

I have called WIC and left several messages with no return call. I do not qualify for MA health b/c I have health insurance through work. Unfortunately it's a CRAPPY HMO and if coverage is offered through your employer here in MA, you are automatically ineligible for state assistance. I have filled out applications for "low income" housing here, and that rent is still over $1,000. per month for a studio... which I likely couldn't afford. My ex owns a small seasonal business and that is it. He is semi-retired from a government job and I assure you, he will hide all of that money prior to this childs arrival. He has always had a problem paying for things. He has A LOT more than I do, and when we were dating, oftentimes he would want to split bills.. This is just how he is.. I have NO idea about getting an attorney involved and such, I guess I was hoping I wouldn't have to, but he is saying he wants 50% custody, so I guess that would mean he wouldn't actually have to pay child support if he virtually no longer has an income? I have no idea.

I know it will all work out somehow, but in the meantime, I am incredibly stressed and lonely and find that I am becoming addicted to this board. Thank you so much for advice and please keep it coming.

XO
Laura