DH vent/advice

[smjmekg]

I'm so ready to fly off my rocker right now!!! DS wanted to go out on the trampoline, DH put out powder ant poison on the GROUND and said he couldn't go out there. I told him it wouldn't hurt him since of course the trampoline is a good three feet off the ground...so he decided he was gonna eat a popsicle and stare at DS while he screamed and cried because daddy told him they would jump after he ate it and of course DS doesn't fully understand when you say something like that. I told him he was being an @$$ because he could have just as easily ate the popsicle outside, and he said he was teaching DS patience...are you kidding me??? Because it's such a good idea to just stare at him screaming and crying, and he learned such a good lesson in patience doing it...It really breaks my heart to see DS trying to get his dad's attention and DH not acknowledging him. Earlier we were in the car and DS kept saying dad...well he got louder and louder and DH wouldn't say anything, I said he's calling you, and DH yelled at DS for screaming his name...WTF??? Does he really not understand that he's a d@mn 2 year old and he's craving DH's attention. For a while now he's done things he's not supposed to do repeatedly around DH and I truly believe right now DS thinks negative attention is good from DH because he's not getting much else. I'm so worried that it'll be the same with this baby, and when I was home a couple weeks ago actually told my mom I almost regret being pregnant because of how DH is. I've tried so many times to talk to him about it...I've tried being nice, being a b!tch, coming at it from a "I know you're tired but he doesn't understand it" point of view...I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do. My son talks about his uncle more than he does his own dad because my brother played with him more in the three weeks we were there than my husband has in six months! I don't care anymore if he gets stressed at work...Elijah doesn't understand that. All he knows is daddy doesn't play with him much, and he yells at him a lot, and if that's what it takes to get attention he does it. Granted I'm around Elijah more, but he doesn't listen to his dad. He doesn't ever want him, I'm the one that has to hold him, put him to bed, etc...he won't let DH do it. I'm afraid DS will end up this way his entire life if DH doesn't start doing things with him, AND I'm afraid I'm gonna be playing the role of a single mom of a 2 1/2 yr old and newborn when my husband is under the same roof.

[JillyHemp316]

I know exactly how you feel!! I just had my husband and I's first child, who is 7 weeks old and I feel like my husband does nothing with him! He's just getting to be fun where he's awake like all the time (not so fun for mommy lol) and likes to look a things and talk and my husband acts like any time he has to do anything with him its such a burden. I've tried talking to him about it, hell I've even tried talking to his mom about it. I told them that I feel like Xander is my son and my husband is his stepfather. I dunno I just hate it. My husband comes home from work gets a beer makes a few phone calls to his mom and friends for an hour maybe then sits down in front of the tv for a few hours, doesn't take a shower or anything so he's still filthy from work. And he can't hold Xander till after he has a shower because he works outside and is filthy and he smokes so third hand smoke is all over him. He knows all this and he just sits there, and I'm trying to get the baby taken care of and get dinner ready and pump do everything else and he gets irritated with me if I ask him to hold Xander or help me with dinner or cut his "out on the phone drinking beer time" down. Like right now..it is 10pm and Xander and I just got home from my mothers, my husband told me to relax after dinner over there and take a bath (very nice of him) then we get home and he gets pissed at me cuz he didn't think I'd be over there that long!? WTF? If you didn't want me to be over there then why did he tell me to take a bath. Then my mom brought me home and I go to pump and she's sterlizing our bottles and now she's putting Xander to bed..and guess what hubbys doing??...watching tv! Then he gets pissy at night when my mom comes over after she gets off work to help me. Ugh.. Then I have the same issue as you do, my son doesn't like his dad. I have to do everything, yesterday my son was fussing and crying and my husband was trying to soothe him but having no luck, which was pissing him off which was frustrating Xander which in turn made my husband more pissed off. So I come into the room and take Xander and he instantly calms down. Were still trying to teach my son to breastfeed and my DH is supposed to help me to position him and keep his hands out of the way..which he does...when were at the hospital with the lactation consultant..but at home..nope nothing. I am on my own. Its no wonder we can't get this down. It makes me so frustrated and so upset. He doesn't help me barely at all and then after he gets done watching tv and I get done doing dishes and putting Xander to bed and pumping and getting bottles ready for during the night and pick up around the house and get his coffee ready for the morning and finally crawl into bed he wants sex..or something..I feel like ripping my hair out. I'm still sore from ripping and so tired I can barely keep my eyes open and he wants sex..or something. I'm so glad I'm not the only one going through this. Us moms gotta stick together. I was gonna rant about something else but I forgot lol..lack of sleep. I could go on forever about this. I kinda did lol. Oh..we might have to move out of the house were living in and since we are trying to save money buy a house and pay off credit cards and get better credit I planned on us moving in with my mom and gramma especially considering we couldn't afford a place and for me to go back to school for nursing (labor and delivery and become a lactation consultant and doula and childbirth educator..helping moms and babies is my passion) but he threw a fit and said he'd just move in with his mom if I moved back home. He wants to get an apartment or rent a house even if it doesn't help us improve our credit or pay off bills or anything. I wouldn't be able to go to school and we wouldn't be able to save money to move to colorado and buy a house. But he doesn't care. He wants to do all that and still be able to live wherever he wants now!! Ugh..sorry I've ranted waay too long. You're so strong for dealing with a husband like that, I'm praying that all our rotten husbands "get it" and apoligize and get better! Here's hoping

[Limonada]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this right now, especially being pregnant again.  I really hope that you can get through to him....hang in there and I'm here if you want/need to talk :-)

[smjmekg]

Yep. I sure did tell him, I actually got so frustrated I told him I felt like an unpaid prostitute, nanny, and maid. I told him I felt like a single parent. I'm not so irritated with him and me at the moment as I am with him and DS.

[Limonada]

I responded to your similar vent/question on the Parenting Toddlers board.  Basically, I don't think you should give up on speaking to your husband about this - otherwise, the resentment is just going to build and build and, potentially, cause more serious problems down the road.

While things can't always be exactly 50/50 where child rearing is concerned (SAHMs generally spend more time with the kids, for example, because they're home), I'm a firm believer that  men have an important role to play in actually MAKING the baby/babies, and, as such, they should be involved in the day to day activities related to their care.  And that, whether you have children or not, marriage is a PARTNERSHIP and about supporting each other.

So...I wouldn't give up.  It is really sad that your son is craving his dad's attention so much, to the point that he'll act out to get it.  He's young, but these years are so crucial to their development and to learning about relationships.  

Have you actually told your husband that you feel like a single parent?  

[MissmyAngel]

Aw, I really don't know what to say to get your DH to understand that that is not the way you treat your child.
I'm pregnant with my first and DH has two daughters whom he spoils rotten. We are already butting heads about how were going to be raising my son. I was reading your not supposed to give your infants blankets until one year because of the chance of SIDS, and to give them a sleeper sack instead. He thinks I'm going to turn our son into a sissy boy. I mean, he will never even remember that he was in a sleeper sack at that age!
Not to mention that I'm 30 weeks pregnant, and he just bought himself an IPOD and a brand new laptop in the last few weeks. We don't have a crib or stroller & carseat yet. I've picked out a three wheel combo stroller so that I will be able to take my son for walks during the winter, and since its $100 dollars more than a regular stroller he says we gotta "conserve" money and is trying to talk me out of it. WTF, maybe if he wasn't so busy buying himself new toys we could afford the stroller I want. Men!

[smjmekg]

Thanks nickie! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one with DH troubles, lol. I hope he starts listening soon too. Either that or I'm just gonna have to keep getting on him about it until he does!

[nickieb85]

Um wow... I would def say that you just should keep doing what you are doing. Your husband is definitely in need of an attitude adjustment because kids at this age (especially the 2-4 year range) rely on their parents and learn so much is such a short amount of time. They learn most of their valuable skills from their parents at that time and need all of the attention that they can get IMO. I have those days too when I feel like my DH doesn't do much and I keep wondering how I am going to do it with a 3.5 year old and a newborn when I am not entirely sure that my DH is going to make time for it... I just keep talking about it with him and even if it gets on my nerves then I feel like I have to make an even bigger effort to make sure that he understands. I hope that he starts listening and that you feel better soon!