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285896 tn?1237214827

No SEX while pregnant...and no SEX now that I'm not! Ladies I need you.

1st off let me just say that this is a very embarrassing topic for me.  I've been holding this frustration in for too long and if I dont vent I'm going to explode:
Lord knows I love my mother and Id tell her anything under the sun..but lets be honest do you really feel comfortable talking to your mom about your sex life with your husband.  Ive tried to bring it up to her but I change my mind at the last minute.  Its hard talking to my cousins and my friends about it b/c I dont want to embarrass him nor do I really want them in our business like that.

Chancellor was a planned pregnancy.  We bought the ovulation kit waited for it to peak and got pregnant on the 1st try.  After the 1st OB apptmnt doc told hubby that sex is ok as long as there are no complications. We got pregnant Sept 24th 2007 (remember it like it was yesterday).  Both of our bdays are n Oct. we made love then....after that things STOPPED.  Not slowed down, but stopped.  He was so worried about the pregnancy that I just gave up and went the rest of the 8mnths cold turkey.  
In all that time I thought about the course of our relationship and courtship.  We stayed friends a long time before I even looked at him as someone who I could be interested in.  When we did began to date we had a wonderful friendship and longing for eachother.  You ladies probably wont believe me when I say this, but the 1st time I made love to my husband we were engaged and I had a ring on my finger.  I just thought I had one of the last nice guys left in the world, and he could lay in the same bed with me and not lay a hand on me and Id feel safe.
A bit of personal information on myself: when my husband met me I was an exotic dancer (no shame in that by the way) he'd come to my job to see me all the time but I NEVER danced for him. He was always that 1 customer who wanted to talk so I grew to have respect for him.
By the time we were engaged going through our pre-marital counseling the pastor asked us to not make sex part of our immediate lives and thrive off the things that made us decide to get married from the get go.  Needless to say the 8mnths we spent planning the wedding were sex FREE.  This was harder for me then it was for him...yet I never put the pieces together. I should have saw the signs then.
After Chance was born in June 08 tubes were tied in July...hell a week later I was ready to get the bedroom popping.  Sh*t it had been long enough and at this point I NEEDED my husband.  Ladies he couldnt perform.  Now I'm thinking its me.  I feel rejected and hurt and I was blaming me thinking it was the 13lbs that stuck around after the baby came and now he must not be attracted to me anymore.  Truth is im still in a size 11 in the JUNIORS section.
Now the baby is 9mnths old and nothing has happened.  Ive tried every FREAKY trick in the book and nothing!  Ive even pulled out my old dancer bag threw on some customs, lit some candles, got baby-oiled up, put my thigh-hi boots on...hell I looked so good I wanted to touch myself (SMILE)...still he didnt.
So I asked, baby; do you need to visit the doctor.  He embarrassingly said yes.  OK, girls I didnt make a big deal out of it b/c these things happen.  He's 40 its time for his prostate to be checked, maybe his blood pressure is high.  I'm making several excuses for him so I dont feel so terrible.
Long story short.  Ive made 3 apptmnts for him and he's neglected to go to all of them.  Now its no longer an option, he has to go or he has to move out.  Theres a 10yr age difference in us Im 29 he's 39.  I dont know whats happening to us.
Ive started communicating with my ex (dont jump my sh*t ladies, I know I'm wrong) and this is a man who I have deep feelings for and an even deeper attraction to.  The thought has crossed my mind to spend 1NIGHT with this man just so I can have AMY taken care of.  I cant do it tho!  I love my husband I just think right now he's being a selfish a**hole and he's pushing me into a corner thats going to hurt our marriage, and we may not be able to recover.
Ladies Ive screamed at him, cried WITH him, begged him, talked to him...how do I get my man to see that his pride is about to push me right out the door??  Even been to the "grown-up" store to get some special needs items but its not the same as having your man show you what you mean to him.  To tell you guys the truth it hurts!  I'm crying as I'm typing this b/c in my lap lay my cellphone with a text message from the EX saying "he'll never know."

Has any1 been here before?
How do I save my marraige without compromising my womanhood?

Sincerely,
Trying hard to be that "Praying Wife", while temptation haunts me!
Sorry its sooo long!
35 Responses
419158 tn?1316575204
I am so sorry that you are going throught this, I honestly dont know what to tell you. I have had some problems in the bedroom in the past also and my hubby and I ended up taking a break. It was the best thing we could have done.....I know he seen me in a diffrent light and we started dating again, hanging out again like we did when we first met, It was great. Of course our problems werent only in the bedroom, I just thought they were, I felt rejected and and hurt and some how blamed it all on my new mommy body. But if his problem is medical then maybe a break would still work, kinda push him in the right direction, IDK. I hope you can figuar this out without going tro that extreme, I really do, cause sometimes it back fires:(
Stay strong with the EX, even for physical gratification, he is your ex for a reason, maybe you just dont remember it now, but if you go through with it you will regret it greatly. Something like will always comes back to haunt you, and think of the hurt your hubby would feel:(
If you ever need to talk or just vent, I'll be here to listen.
Good luck
Hugs
*Tabitha*
435139 tn?1255463991
What a tough situation!  Could you make ANOTHER appointment and arrange that you go with him to make sure he goes?  You don't have to go into the room with him if he doesn't want but at least you could drive him to the appointment.  

At first, I thought you were going to say he was gay...then you came up with the doctor thing...I'm not trying to be offensive BUT are you sure he is straight?  I know a woman who was married to what everyone thought was 'the dream guy'...great relationship, great husband, fathered a few kids and about ten years later, he came out!!!

Wish I could be more help but I feel for you!!!  And, try not to think about the ex...the grass will always seem greener on the other side...besides this sex issue, it seems like you have a wonderful husband.  I hope you can work through this before you explore any other situations.

Good luck and Hugs!!!
644974 tn?1312761670
im also not sure what to say to you as this is such a personal thing and would depend on what sort of guy he was personality etc, i think i have to say look this is it for me you and i go to the dr ad work this out tell him u love him that your there for him etc and that you want to do this for him, but if he's not prepared to well.....
ok as for the ex dont go there you wont be the only one that gets hurt!!!! trust me ive been there done that and 2 kids were involved i cant beleive i was so stupid!!!! you need to work out your stuff with your hubby first if he wont get help and you agree on a break then thats up to you if you wan to be with your ex then but not till you work something out with your hubby! dont jump outa the fire into the frying pan so to speak it will only course more promplems weather it seems like it or not!
i really hope you get the attention you need soon i do understand and if you ever want to talk im here for you
good luck xx
212161 tn?1537898045
wow , sorry to hear this but i can say stay true to your husband.  dont let this push you into your exs arms, if you dont love your husband than divorce him and find someone that can make you happy, but plz dont go outside your marrage values and cheat. in GODS eyes its wrong. i know in your heart you know what needs to be done you will make the right choice for you ,your husband and your children.
507875 tn?1423163861
Pray, pray and pray again. Talk to your husband and not at him. I know sometimes  the latter is easier when you are frustrated...Men have a lot of pride and they often go into a shell when they have a problem. It could be a medical issue and he is too afraid to find out because he does not want to lose you...Be encouraging to him...Pray with him and for him. Turn to your pastor and seek out some counseling. But whatever you do don't turn to your ex...it will only make a bad situation worse. You will wake up feeling even worse than you are feling now, you need to break all ties with him...that is nothing but the devil trying to tear apart your marriage. I am also in a marriage where there is a en year age difference and we experienced these problems a few years ago, We prayed and got through it and now we have a healthy sex life...(well not since the pregnancy :o))..My husband ended up beling put on Clomid for our fertility issue, which helped his sex drive and he has been all good since coming off the medication. It turned out to be low testosterone...you can get through this..with God on your side ANYTHING is possible. You just have to be patient and wait for him to show up and show out.

Praying with you and for you,
Juana
Avatar universal
Sometimes after not being sexually active it can take awhile to "get to know" each other again.  Because its been awhile he may have lost confidence, feels a lot of pressure to perform, and then that effects his ability to have sex - I agree that when it gets to the point that it effects your sex life/marriage it visit to the doctor is needed to see if there is a medical reason for this (there are numerous possibilities that range from depressions to low hormone levels, to prostate problems etc. and several reasons could be age-related which is why the problem may not have been as severe in the past).  I agree with sweetangel - make an appointment that you can both go to.

Also, do you know if he masturbates?  Can you masturbate him/with him?  The second option might be a way to "get to know" each other again without the same pressures as having intercourse.   If he doesnt masturbate (and most guys wont be honest about this) then that suggests there may be a medical issue that needs to be addressed.
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