I am so sorry that you are going throught this, I honestly dont know what to tell you. I have had some problems in the bedroom in the past also and my hubby and I ended up taking a break. It was the best thing we could have done.....I know he seen me in a diffrent light and we started dating again, hanging out again like we did when we first met, It was great. Of course our problems werent only in the bedroom, I just thought they were, I felt rejected and and hurt and some how blamed it all on my new mommy body. But if his problem is medical then maybe a break would still work, kinda push him in the right direction, IDK. I hope you can figuar this out without going tro that extreme, I really do, cause sometimes it back fires:(
Stay strong with the EX, even for physical gratification, he is your ex for a reason, maybe you just dont remember it now, but if you go through with it you will regret it greatly. Something like will always comes back to haunt you, and think of the hurt your hubby would feel:(
If you ever need to talk or just vent, I'll be here to listen.
What a tough situation! Could you make ANOTHER appointment and arrange that you go with him to make sure he goes? You don't have to go into the room with him if he doesn't want but at least you could drive him to the appointment.
At first, I thought you were going to say he was gay...then you came up with the doctor thing...I'm not trying to be offensive BUT are you sure he is straight? I know a woman who was married to what everyone thought was 'the dream guy'...great relationship, great husband, fathered a few kids and about ten years later, he came out!!!
Wish I could be more help but I feel for you!!! And, try not to think about the ex...the grass will always seem greener on the other side...besides this sex issue, it seems like you have a wonderful husband. I hope you can work through this before you explore any other situations.
Good luck and Hugs!!!
im also not sure what to say to you as this is such a personal thing and would depend on what sort of guy he was personality etc, i think i have to say look this is it for me you and i go to the dr ad work this out tell him u love him that your there for him etc and that you want to do this for him, but if he's not prepared to well.....
ok as for the ex dont go there you wont be the only one that gets hurt!!!! trust me ive been there done that and 2 kids were involved i cant beleive i was so stupid!!!! you need to work out your stuff with your hubby first if he wont get help and you agree on a break then thats up to you if you wan to be with your ex then but not till you work something out with your hubby! dont jump outa the fire into the frying pan so to speak it will only course more promplems weather it seems like it or not!
i really hope you get the attention you need soon i do understand and if you ever want to talk im here for you
good luck xx
wow , sorry to hear this but i can say stay true to your husband. dont let this push you into your exs arms, if you dont love your husband than divorce him and find someone that can make you happy, but plz dont go outside your marrage values and cheat. in GODS eyes its wrong. i know in your heart you know what needs to be done you will make the right choice for you ,your husband and your children.
Pray, pray and pray again. Talk to your husband and not at him. I know sometimes the latter is easier when you are frustrated...Men have a lot of pride and they often go into a shell when they have a problem. It could be a medical issue and he is too afraid to find out because he does not want to lose you...Be encouraging to him...Pray with him and for him. Turn to your pastor and seek out some counseling. But whatever you do don't turn to your ex...it will only make a bad situation worse. You will wake up feeling even worse than you are feling now, you need to break all ties with him...that is nothing but the devil trying to tear apart your marriage. I am also in a marriage where there is a en year age difference and we experienced these problems a few years ago, We prayed and got through it and now we have a healthy sex life...(well not since the pregnancy :o))..My husband ended up beling put on Clomid for our fertility issue, which helped his sex drive and he has been all good since coming off the medication. It turned out to be low testosterone...you can get through this..with God on your side ANYTHING is possible. You just have to be patient and wait for him to show up and show out.
Praying with you and for you,
Sometimes after not being sexually active it can take awhile to "get to know" each other again. Because its been awhile he may have lost confidence, feels a lot of pressure to perform, and then that effects his ability to have sex - I agree that when it gets to the point that it effects your sex life/marriage it visit to the doctor is needed to see if there is a medical reason for this (there are numerous possibilities that range from depressions to low hormone levels, to prostate problems etc. and several reasons could be age-related which is why the problem may not have been as severe in the past). I agree with sweetangel - make an appointment that you can both go to.
Also, do you know if he masturbates? Can you masturbate him/with him? The second option might be a way to "get to know" each other again without the same pressures as having intercourse. If he doesnt masturbate (and most guys wont be honest about this) then that suggests there may be a medical issue that needs to be addressed.
I know it is frustrating and men seem to have so much pride that they are willing to ruin everything to keep their pride intact. My advice, pray. Ask the greater power to transform not only your husband to the man you need, but his wife to the partner he needs. I know that may seem silly, but I beleive we need the guidance to act certain ways in tough situations. And DO NOT let your ex convince you of anything and dont let the lack of attention drive you into his arms!!! I hope that makes sense. Good luck, and vent here anytime. I am here for you
my best friend is in a similar situation.. she is 24 and her boyfriend is 37.. and they just had a beautiful baby girl 6 months ago ( her first his 3rd) and they have yet to have sex since her birth... i honestly think it has to do with his age.. she gets soo frustrated and she finally gets so mad that she just tells him how it is ya know.. . she will call me and cry her little heart out thinking he doesnt find her attractive anymore and it breaks my heart .. i finally told her girl you need to sit him down and tell him how it is.. so she finally did and he honestly did not know how much it was hurting her .. so now they make one night a week where it is just her and him .. they have a nice dinner... and sit and have a glass of wine... and well u know. : )
have you tried watching porn together? or putting on a sexy little show for him?
First of all, I'm sorry you're having to go thru this situation. But DO NOT be tempted by your ex. As other have said, you need to cut ties with him ... change your phone number (or if that's not possible, don't answer calls or read txt messages), delete all emails he sends (don't even read them) ... just pretty much put him on ignore. Politely let him know you don't want to speak with him, and if he persists, get more forceful and be rude if you have to.
Secondly, I don't want to jump to conclusions that it's your hubby's age that is affecting his drive. It is *possible*, but being in a relationship myself where my DH is over 40 (and I've yet to hit 30), I know that age may not be a factor. DH and I have an incredible sex life. That being said, at first, things were a little slow to progress. We both had some performance issues in the beginning, but by being open and honest with each other we were able to resolve them and I couldn't ask for a better sexual partner!!
Men can have a lot of pride and not want to talk about when things are wrong with them. He may also not want you to worry about him. Let him know, for the sake of your marriage, that you both need to be open and honest with each other about things going on "down there". Remind him that you love him and he doesn't have to be ashamed or fearful to talk to you. You are a TEAM! You have to work together if you want your relationship to continue!
Lastly, I know what it's like to be in an unsatisfying sexual relationship. I had that with my ex ... unfortunately there were a lot of other issues too, and I strayed from my vows to him. I'm not saying what I did was right, but if I hadn't cheated on him, I never would have met my DH and I wouldn't be in the most amazing relationship now.
I hope you can get everything worked out with your hubby. And, even tho it's not the same -- masturbate, masturbate, masterbate!! lol It's obviously not the answer to everything, but hopefully it will help satisfy some of those urges! ... Oh, and one more thing ... I don't mean this offensively, but don't just "pray about it". Prayer can only get you so far ... I look at it this way. God is not going to come down himself and fix things for you. Pray for inner strength, pray for resolve ... but don't pray for a "fix-all". That is up to you! The answer is in your hands ... God has already given you the tools ... it's now your choice!
I totally agree with Avaanar and I'm going to add a few things.
My husband's libido absolutely crashes when he's stressed out about something. Lately I don't think that either of us wants to have sex since I'm pregnant I think its all too new and too strange for him and for me. But what's also affecting him and I know is worrying about money.
OMG everytime the man worries about money issues his penis deflates. When we have money and are comfortable and not stressed out about it, he's as horny as when we started dating. Unfortunately there's too many times a month right now when we're worrying over money.
But I also think that there's something that your husband isn't telling you and he may need a counselor aside from a doctor.
Thank you ALL ladies:
You ladies are right...I need to get the ex out of my life. We've always had a great relationship but I ended it with him b/c I had my two boys already which he loved dearly but he didnt have any kids and was so into his frat I felt like that was more important to him than being saddled with a "ready-made" family so I moved out of the house we shared and left him...honestly Ive always regretted it, but even to this day hes still a Kappa to his heart so I know me letting him do his own thing was the best.
My husband has always been that friend hanging in the back ground waiting for his shot at love with me. He saw me through two, two yr relationships but he never dogged either guy he just played his position and as soon as I ended my last relationship he was at my house and he never left. He started proposing 3mnths in but I didnt except until the 7th mnth. In all that time we werent having sex he didnt even ask. Should that have been a sign? His 1st wife cheated and thats why he divorced her, but now from conversations Ive had with her the bits and pieces fit together. His performance issues started WAY before me.
Could it have been the fact that him seeing me on stage wearing my "entertainer's hat" was the real thing that turned him on about me?
He's a over the road truck driver so I'm sure he does maturbate on his own but he will never admit that to me. I'll be honest it's been times I've asked him late a night for intimacy and he would say "Oh baby I dont feel well" so I'd roll over go to my drawer with my goodies and do my own thing. At 1st he used to watch and I could tell he was getting turned on and as soon as it would get up it would go back down again. Now I'm so tired of that b/c it's not the same as having him kiss me and whisper to me that I dont even do it anymore.
I've sat on the side of the bed and cried in the middle of the night and he would wake up know why I'm crying and just hold me and cry with me. He'd promise to go look into getting viagra or whatever drug the dr recommends but every apptmnt he's missed.
We'll be hanging out and he's had guys walk up to him and say hey man I just wanted to tell you that you have a beautiful lady (black men and booties; go figure) but all & all it made me feel good. He'll say thank you hold my hand real tight; we'll have a great day and that night I think I'm about to get some and boom NOTHING.
Can I be truthful about something ladies....?????
wow, I just read about your situation...I guess after all that has been discussed here, I have a few questions that you need to answer very truefully:
1. Are you sure that your husband loves you all that much? It does seem pretty selfish that he can't please you in any other way, you know? The loving husbands usually try everything and if their thing doesn't work, there are other things that can be done to please you and show your love to the woman you love... Im just throwing it out there because I know how tough it must be for you....
2. I see how much you love him and how heroicly you went though not being close to your man for such a long time!!!!! It must hurt, I would think.. Do you feel you can go on like this forever? Does your husband have any explanation to his behavior? Can't he just get it up at all or ....?
You need to be honest with yourself and see what's best for your marriage...your hubby is probably in pain himself but he needs to open up to you!!!! You need to talk in all honesty!
Get it all out girl!
I don't know what to tell you, but I don't think that this is normal even if he has a medical problem, I think its something else. Its just too weird. I know that if my husband doesn't want to do it and he keeps postponing it, if I jump on him and do all my "tricks" there's no way that the man will go back to sleep, he'll get his raunchy side out too.
Maybe he's had this issue for a long time and he's embarrassed about his issue or maybe he's thinking something else. Have you asked him if maybe he's gay? I know that would be hard to believe but some men want to have the married life and have their occassional manly love too...Please don't take it the wrong way but it could be.
Just don't fool around with your ex. Get this issue resolved and then see where that takes you.
Try to ask him what his problem is?
I posted above earlier, and wondered if he was gay too...and I was not trying to be offensive...now Mumita has thought the same thing...Is it possible?
You can be as truthful as you need here...none of us are here to judge and we'd all like to see you have some peace about this issue.
Gay, maybe, but another issue, could be cheating. I don't personally know your husband obviously, and I'm just suggesting as I watched my mother go through this exact same thing. Me and my mother are extremely close, and she told me about how dad never seemed sexually interested in her, and come to find out about a year later he was sleeping with my mom's best friend the entire time, and on TOP of that, was addicted to pills which no one knew, and that ALSO made it harder for him to get it up - so think of all the possibilities you need to make him tell you, let him know, you talk, and fix the problem or YOU'RE going to fix it. If he loves you, then he should understand.
I had to pick the boys up from school, fix dinner, get the boys ready for bed....and meditate before I lose my damn mind!
Now where was I oh...the honesty.
Before the baby, when the decline in our sex life began he used to feel so horrible about it that he would give me permission to go to the ex as long as I didnt do it behind his back. So one day I took him up on his offer. He was in TN (we live in GA) and I let him know that I invited the ex over and would that be cool with him since Im not sneaking around. At 1st he was real hesitant but finally he said cool, just make sure we use protection. Ladies I'll admit I was scared to DEATH and left a note in my wallet if I die under any circumstances the hubby did it :)~
But I needed to be with the ex so bad that it turned into an all nighter. Hubby made it home while we were in the bedroom doing our thing (kids were out of town before anyone calls social services!) actually walked in but closed the door and went to the other room. I pretended as though I didnt know he was home because I didnt want to face him because at that moment I was feeling like a **** (a very satisfied ****) but a nasty hooker all the same. The ex fell asleep and I got up to get a drink and heard water running in the bathroom. I walked in and hubby was sitting on the floor with an empty Patron bottle crying his heart out. Oh my God girls this broke my heart. All he could say was "I said you could". I had to clean my man up and put him in one of the kids beds but I couldnt throw the ex out b/c he was drunk too. So I just climbed in the bed with hubby and held him and promised him I would never let it happen again. He just told me that he knows that I'm a young woman and has needs and hes secure about his manhood but he's disappointed that he's not able to give me what I need.
Yes we've had the gay talk b/c after all this is the A.T.L. and there are so many undercover brothers here that its dangerous. Ive even tried to sneak my finger "there" and almost got the sh*t knocked out of me. He's a true man to his heart but he's prideful, and that pride is hurting us.
Back to the story:
Later that night I was just sitting on the side of the bed with hubby sleeping half drunk b/c I opened the other bottle of Patron. The ex tip-toed in and gave me a head nod to come on back; so not being of sound mind and guilty conscience I went back in the room with him and while he was doing his "downtown" thing in walks hubby. I look up and he's just standing there. At this point my eyes are glued on him, the ex acknowledges him but keeps going. We have a love seat in the master bedroom so hubby just sits down and eyes still havent moved. I was so uncomfortable that the ex stopped and said "you see your man, I see your man....he sees that you're over here being taken care of so why are you so scared. I want you to put your eyes on me and done take them off." DAMN!
I asked hubby did he want to join in at 1st he was going to then he was like "no this is your night so I'll let you have your night". He just sat there and watched. The next morning I fixed breakfast we all ate I walked the ex to his car and told him it could NEVER happen again. He just said I'll never stop loving you or wishing that you were mine and drove away.
Till this day...hubby and I have NEVER talked about this night again.
I recently asked him, does he need a night that's all about him? I'm not like him tho, Im not about to let another woman have my man and not join in the mix, but hey to each its own. He just looked me in the eye and said I dont want nobody but you and baby I promise as soon as I have a day off I will go get the meds I need and I will make it up to you.
My gripe is, he took off for Superbowl, he'll take off for a good Falcons game, his Sigma brothers come into town he'll schedule time off for them...but he hasnt penciled in a Dr's appt to save his marriage.
Now look Heffas...Ive told you some very private and freaky information. Hopefully this has answered any questions as to the lengths I've gone to please him and please me. But since he claims to want me and this family so bad what do I do? Do I call the ex back over so he sees that I'm not joking?
I hope no one is offended by this Grown up talk and no I'm not offended by any of your questions. These are questions Ive asked him and asked myself. I came to you guys out of a need and a longing for answers. Sh*t after all we're grown folks, and grown folks do grown things! Watch out now! Plus Ive been around here since 07 and any of you that know me know humor is like 2nd nature 2 me so tho I'm joking through-out this thread my situation is real so are my feelings....thanks ladies!
Since this is a very grown up convo I think I will move this to my journal. The last thing I want to do is offend anyone. We know how sensitive "we" get on Medhelp sometimes (smile)! We can continue to talk here, but if this does get deleted I will add it to my journal to get continued help and support.
But keep talking ladies...I'm listening!
No, I wouldn't involve the ex again BUT how about YOU make the appointment...I make all my husbands appointments for EVERYTHING...I don't think he could make an appointment on his own if he needed to lol Make the appointment, tell lhim when it is, and make yourself available to be with him that day to make sure he goes.
I don't like ultimatums BUT you seem like you are at your wits end...maybe you could tell him this is it...he does this or you are taking a break from each other...maybe you'll scare him into going!
wow . thats nuts sorry but never would i go outside my marrage but like you said we are all different. all i can say is wow, and i cant see your marrage lasting . sorry for your kids. sorry just me.
I applaud you for your honesty!
In my opinion cheating never brings a woman and man closer ( even though he knew and told you that you could) .. in the back of his mind it will always linger.. ya know? I think you need to take your marriage back to the basics.. forget about everything and just focus on you and him.. go out on dates.. get each other gifts... dont even think about sex ( i know its hard) just focus on re connecting and getting to know each other all over again... see where that takes you..
sometimes a marriage runs its course.. its no ones fault .. people grow and change over time and maybe you two just dont have anything in common anymore .. it doesnt mean you dont love each other .. these things just happen... i would take the time to get to know each other all over again and see where things stand. Good Luck ... In time you will find what is right for you.
this all happened b4 we were married....I have never, nor has he gone outside of our vows. What I am doing is talking to my LADIES about my feelings. While I respect your opinion the only thing I ask is that you leave my kids out of this convo. This is about my intimacy issue with my husband and how we're handling our "grown up" problems. So to be on MY safe side leave my kids out of this, you would NEVER have a reason to be SORRY for them whether him and I make it or not; understand?
But thanks for your feedback
He made it in off the road and got home around 2am. After he took his shower and came to bed I got up and went in the guestroom and got in the bed. He immediately followed me into the room and grabbed my hand and said "oh no we're not doing this thing where we sleep apart; we already speed too many nights like that with me being on the road." So he made me come back to bed and he was like dont you even want to know why I'm home a day early, and I said truthfully NO. I'll admit girls I was being a real b*tch but when frustrations build up how do you turn them off.
He told me to get my sis-n-law to watch the baby Fri b/c he's keeping the doc appt for that morning and he needs me to go with him and bring the convo up to the doc. He said he's rehearsed several times in his mind how to say it but he just cant.
He begged me not to let this be the 1 thing to destroy us b/c we've fought through so many factors to be able to have the OPEN & HONEST relationship that we do. He said he doesnt know any female who would tell her hubby she's on the verge of cheating b/c she's not being satisfied at home, nor does he know any man that would think about letting her do it, just to make her happy.
I love that boy so much and I know he loves me. He allows me to stay home w/ the kids while he stays gone for days and weeks at a time to keep a roof over our heads and give us the basics that we need. Everything else is xtra and just proves that he wants me to have the best. We truly cant afford this home, the big screens, the nice furniture all the frivalous things that at the end of the day dont mean nothing if our home is not running b/c we're at war.
I told him I feel betrayed b/c it's taken this long for him to see the pain in my face or understand the rejection when he climbs in the bed and turns his back to me. What I never knew was while i was crying my own tears he was busy crying his.
We talk, we laugh, we fuss then five mins later I have my head on his lap talking about something else. I want this man and this marriage. I dont want SEX to be the thing that blocks us from lasting, but at the same time Im 29yrs old and I dont want the best years of my life to be regretful ones b/c that 1 thing was lacking. I'll even sneak in the shower while he's in there and climb in just to be close to him. He loves it, but again nothing ever happens.
I pray that Fri brings a change. I tried to apologize for even thinking about going outside of our vows but we wouldnt let me. He told me Baby it's been over a yr and if the situation was reversed I dont know if I would have lasted that long, so if there are any owed apologies its from me to you. We agreed that once the problem is corrected I would releave the EX of his pending duties, but I told him I'll do one better than that I'll releave him now....here goes wish me luck ladies!
Wow, that is truly a story. I felt like I was reading a book. I don't doubt love exists, I just wonder if maybe he's grown up thinking that sex is just for procreation purposes. That is why sex was fine when you were both trying to conceive but non-existent before the marriage and now after the baby. Was he abused when he was younger? This could lead to a lot of sexual dysfunction in adult life. I'm sure it may be a physical thing but perhaps there are some other factors here. Just trying to give you another perspective. I really hope things are able to be worked out. You both sound like you would do well with some family counseling as well. Just to work out some of these issues. It's good though that there is open communication here and you can get some help on Friday.