No SEX while pregnant...and no SEX now that I'm not! Ladies I need you.

[prayerful wife]

1st off let me just say that this is a very embarrassing topic for me.  I've been holding this frustration in for too long and if I dont vent I'm going to explode:
Lord knows I love my mother and Id tell her anything under the sun..but lets be honest do you really feel comfortable talking to your mom about your sex life with your husband.  Ive tried to bring it up to her but I change my mind at the last minute.  Its hard talking to my cousins and my friends about it b/c I dont want to embarrass him nor do I really want them in our business like that.

Chancellor was a planned pregnancy.  We bought the ovulation kit waited for it to peak and got pregnant on the 1st try.  After the 1st OB apptmnt doc told hubby that sex is ok as long as there are no complications. We got pregnant Sept 24th 2007 (remember it like it was yesterday).  Both of our bdays are n Oct. we made love then....after that things STOPPED.  Not slowed down, but stopped.  He was so worried about the pregnancy that I just gave up and went the rest of the 8mnths cold turkey.  
In all that time I thought about the course of our relationship and courtship.  We stayed friends a long time before I even looked at him as someone who I could be interested in.  When we did began to date we had a wonderful friendship and longing for eachother.  You ladies probably wont believe me when I say this, but the 1st time I made love to my husband we were engaged and I had a ring on my finger.  I just thought I had one of the last nice guys left in the world, and he could lay in the same bed with me and not lay a hand on me and Id feel safe.
A bit of personal information on myself: when my husband met me I was an exotic dancer (no shame in that by the way) he'd come to my job to see me all the time but I NEVER danced for him. He was always that 1 customer who wanted to talk so I grew to have respect for him.
By the time we were engaged going through our pre-marital counseling the pastor asked us to not make sex part of our immediate lives and thrive off the things that made us decide to get married from the get go.  Needless to say the 8mnths we spent planning the wedding were sex FREE.  This was harder for me then it was for him...yet I never put the pieces together. I should have saw the signs then.
After Chance was born in June 08 tubes were tied in July...hell a week later I was ready to get the bedroom popping.  Sh*t it had been long enough and at this point I NEEDED my husband.  Ladies he couldnt perform.  Now I'm thinking its me.  I feel rejected and hurt and I was blaming me thinking it was the 13lbs that stuck around after the baby came and now he must not be attracted to me anymore.  Truth is im still in a size 11 in the JUNIORS section.
Now the baby is 9mnths old and nothing has happened.  Ive tried every FREAKY trick in the book and nothing!  Ive even pulled out my old dancer bag threw on some customs, lit some candles, got baby-oiled up, put my thigh-hi boots on...hell I looked so good I wanted to touch myself (SMILE)...still he didnt.
So I asked, baby; do you need to visit the doctor.  He embarrassingly said yes.  OK, girls I didnt make a big deal out of it b/c these things happen.  He's 40 its time for his prostate to be checked, maybe his blood pressure is high.  I'm making several excuses for him so I dont feel so terrible.
Long story short.  Ive made 3 apptmnts for him and he's neglected to go to all of them.  Now its no longer an option, he has to go or he has to move out.  Theres a 10yr age difference in us Im 29 he's 39.  I dont know whats happening to us.
Ive started communicating with my ex (dont jump my sh*t ladies, I know I'm wrong) and this is a man who I have deep feelings for and an even deeper attraction to.  The thought has crossed my mind to spend 1NIGHT with this man just so I can have AMY taken care of.  I cant do it tho!  I love my husband I just think right now he's being a selfish a**hole and he's pushing me into a corner thats going to hurt our marriage, and we may not be able to recover.
Ladies Ive screamed at him, cried WITH him, begged him, talked to him...how do I get my man to see that his pride is about to push me right out the door??  Even been to the "grown-up" store to get some special needs items but its not the same as having your man show you what you mean to him.  To tell you guys the truth it hurts!  I'm crying as I'm typing this b/c in my lap lay my cellphone with a text message from the EX saying "he'll never know."

Has any1 been here before?
How do I save my marraige without compromising my womanhood?

Sincerely,
Trying hard to be that "Praying Wife", while temptation haunts me!
Sorry its sooo long!

[prayerful wife]

Thank you ALL ladies:

You ladies are right...I need to get the ex out of my life.  We've always had a great relationship but I ended it with him b/c I had my two boys already which he loved dearly but he didnt have any kids and was so into his frat I felt like that was more important to him than being saddled with a "ready-made" family so I moved out of the house we shared and left him...honestly Ive always regretted it, but even to this day hes still a Kappa to his heart so I know me letting him do his own thing was the best.

My husband has always been that friend hanging in the back ground waiting for his shot at love with me.  He saw me through two, two yr relationships but he never dogged either guy he just played his position and as soon as I ended my last relationship he was at my house and he never left.  He started proposing 3mnths in but I didnt except until the 7th mnth.  In all that time we werent having sex he didnt even ask.  Should that have been a sign?  His 1st wife cheated and thats why he divorced her, but now from conversations Ive had with her the bits and pieces fit together.  His performance issues started WAY before me.
Could it have been the fact that him seeing me on stage wearing my "entertainer's hat" was the real thing that turned him on about me?
He's a over the road truck driver so I'm sure he does maturbate on his own but he will never admit that to me.  I'll be honest it's been times I've asked him late a night for intimacy and he would say "Oh baby I dont feel well" so I'd roll over go to my drawer with my goodies and do my own thing.  At 1st he used to watch and I could tell he was getting turned on and as soon as it would get up it would go back down again.  Now I'm so tired of that b/c it's not the same as having him kiss me and whisper to me that I dont even do it anymore.
I've sat on the side of the bed and cried in the middle of the night and he would wake up know why I'm crying and just hold me and cry with me.  He'd promise to go look into getting viagra or whatever drug the dr recommends but every apptmnt he's missed.
We'll be hanging out and he's had guys walk up to him and say hey man I just wanted to tell you that you have a beautiful lady (black men and booties; go figure) but all & all it made me feel good.  He'll say thank you hold my hand real tight; we'll have a great day and that night I think I'm about to get some and boom NOTHING.

Can I be truthful about something ladies....?????

[Mumita]

I totally agree with Avaanar and I'm going to add a few things.
My husband's libido absolutely crashes when he's stressed out about something.  Lately I don't think that either of us wants to have sex since I'm pregnant I think its all too new and too strange for him and for me.  But what's also affecting him and I know is worrying about money.

OMG everytime the man worries about money issues his penis deflates.  When we have money and are comfortable and not stressed out about it, he's as horny as when we started dating.  Unfortunately there's too many times a month right  now when we're worrying over money.

But I also think that there's something that your husband isn't telling you and he may need a counselor aside from a doctor.

[Avanaar]

First of all, I'm sorry you're having to go thru this situation.  But DO NOT be tempted by your ex.  As other have said, you need to cut ties with him ... change your phone number (or if that's not possible, don't answer calls or read txt messages), delete all emails he sends (don't even read them) ... just pretty much put him on ignore.  Politely let him know you don't want to speak with him, and if he persists, get more forceful and be rude if you have to.

Secondly, I don't want to jump to conclusions that it's your hubby's age that is affecting his drive.  It is *possible*, but being in a relationship myself where my DH is over 40 (and I've yet to hit 30), I know that age may not be a factor.  DH and I have an incredible sex life.  That being said, at first, things were a little slow to progress.  We both had some performance issues in the beginning, but by being open and honest with each other we were able to resolve them and I couldn't ask for a better sexual partner!!

Men can have a lot of pride and not want to talk about when things are wrong with them.  He may also not want you to worry about him.  Let him know, for the sake of your marriage, that you both need to be open and honest with each other about things going on "down there".  Remind him that you love him and he doesn't have to be ashamed or fearful to talk to you.  You are a TEAM!  You have to work together if you want your relationship to continue!

Lastly, I know what it's like to be in an unsatisfying sexual relationship.  I had that with my ex ... unfortunately there were a lot of other issues too, and I strayed from my vows to him.  I'm not saying what I did was right, but if I hadn't cheated on him, I never would have met my DH and I wouldn't be in the most amazing relationship now.

I hope you can get everything worked out with your hubby.  And, even tho it's not the same -- masturbate, masturbate, masterbate!!  lol  It's obviously not the answer to everything, but hopefully it will help satisfy some of those urges!  ... Oh, and one more thing ... I don't mean this offensively, but don't just "pray about it".  Prayer can only get you so far ... I look at it this way.  God is not going to come down himself and fix things for you.  Pray for inner strength, pray for resolve ... but don't pray for a "fix-all".  That is up to you!  The answer is in your hands ... God has already given you the tools ... it's now your choice!

[pinkbelle]

my best friend is in a similar situation.. she is 24 and her boyfriend is 37.. and they just had a beautiful baby girl 6 months ago ( her first his 3rd) and they have yet to have sex since her birth...  i honestly think it has to do with his age.. she gets soo frustrated and she finally gets so mad that she just tells him how it is ya know.. .  she will call me and cry her little heart out thinking he doesnt find her attractive anymore and it breaks my heart ..  i finally told her girl you need to sit him down and tell him how it is.. so she finally did and he honestly did not know how much it was hurting her .. so now they make one night a week where it is just her and him .. they have a nice dinner... and sit and have a glass of wine... and well u know. : )

have you tried watching porn together?  or putting on a sexy little show for him?

[lruder]

I know it is frustrating and men seem to have so much pride that they are willing to ruin everything to keep their pride intact. My advice, pray. Ask the greater power to transform not only your husband to the man you need, but his wife to the partner he needs. I know that may seem silly, but I beleive we need the guidance to act certain ways in tough situations. And DO NOT let your ex convince you of anything and dont let the lack of attention drive you into his arms!!! I hope that makes sense. Good luck, and vent here anytime. I am here for you

[spade22]

Sometimes after not being sexually active it can take awhile to "get to know" each other again.  Because its been awhile he may have lost confidence, feels a lot of pressure to perform, and then that effects his ability to have sex - I agree that when it gets to the point that it effects your sex life/marriage it visit to the doctor is needed to see if there is a medical reason for this (there are numerous possibilities that range from depressions to low hormone levels, to prostate problems etc. and several reasons could be age-related which is why the problem may not have been as severe in the past).  I agree with sweetangel - make an appointment that you can both go to.

Also, do you know if he masturbates?  Can you masturbate him/with him?  The second option might be a way to "get to know" each other again without the same pressures as having intercourse.   If he doesnt masturbate (and most guys wont be honest about this) then that suggests there may be a medical issue that needs to be addressed.