Partner after Miscarriage

[Crysi]

Alright, I'm sure you are all getting sick of hearing about my miscarriage but I was just wanting to know what peoples husband/fiance/boyfriend's were like after your miscarriage. My fiance has been all over the map! One second he wants to try again the next he wants to wait a couple years (we are young) and as for how he's been treating me one second he is kissing my ***, very loving and doting and the next he is the BIGGEST *******! I almost feel like he blames me. He has said repeatedly that he doesn't, that there was nothing I could have done etc. Is this normal? How did you handle this? Right now this is just too much stress on top of everything else that I am going through and I feel as though it will end our relationship. Any help is much appreciated!

[leighanne143]

mine was the same was as your is acting, i think mainly because i was so erratic with my emotions that he did not know what to do.  It is going to take a while for both of you to heal.  The best thing you can do is take some time together and do things you enjoy.  My favorite is going to the cheesecake factory, so needless to say we were there every week just lovign the food and talking:)

I had 2 miscarriages in 5 months, one just being 2/12/08, so it is a long rocky road back to normalcy:)

[waitn838]

sent you a PM

[Crysi]

Thanks for everyones comments. Waitn838, I definitely get what you mean by finding reasons to fall out of love with him. I have tried that a couple times. With us his mother is making stuff so much worse, which I think could be part of the problem (he's a bit of a Momma's boy). I almost bled to death in the middle of the night as well, had an emerg. D&C and the next morning when he drove down to see me he was waiting to hear from my mother or I at his parents and his mother started going on about how he should leave me and saying basically what a piece of **** I am. Now, here is the question to go along with that =P  How should I deal with MIL, especially because he is such a momma's boy? She usually likes me, but I think she is freaked about her "little boy" growing up and away from the nest.

[waitn838]

i can completely relate to how you are feeling...i had a mc at 18 weeks and my bf was there when everything happened....a lot happened that night and after i came home from the hosp i felt so empty

my bf at first wanted to try again after i had some testing done....then didnt want to try for awhile (which who knows what that means) and now he's setting up (lol...best way to describe) a plan of action for when i do get preg again...ie better job, more income, etc so he can help support the home so i think he will be ready in the next couple of months

his moods havent swung as bad as you are going through but mine have...i wanted to give up on him so bad...i tried finding reasons to fall out of love with him...but he continued to stand there like a rock...didnt budge and i ended up falling deeper for him

your partner needs time as you do as well...both of your emotions are going to be all over the place...its normal....

please send me a message or keep in touch if you want....i pray things get better and you dont end things because of a tragic event in your life

[KellyA74]

My DH was great....The whole incident actaully made us stronger and closer....He was so scared that I would bleed to death in the middle of the night...he didn't sleep for 3 nights....Mine was a missed M/C so I was waiting for several days to see if it would happen on it's own....After the D&C he waited on me hand and foot and bought me a diamond necklace (I thought that was kind of weird......I can't bring myself to wear it...just a reminder....but he meant well).
All men react differently...as do all women, although we tend to be more verbal and can better show our emotions.....so I think that men tend to get 'moody' b/c they just can't verbalize how they are feeling...Give him some time....I'm sure that he'll come around.

[shasy03]

My DH actually was devastated...but he has come around.  Neither of us knew that I was preggo and the only symptom I had was being so tired I could not keep my eyes open...I literally slept about 13 hours a day.  After my m/c he got defensive and said when we start trying and you have another miscarriage then we're done....I don't want kids if it's going to always go into a m/c.  That was almost 2 years ago.

Now, he prays that each month I am preggo.  And he says "I pray that all the women who are preggo have healthy happy babies."

Good Luck and he'll come around.

[StressHead]

Mine didn't react at all really. He was there for me when I was bleeding and went to Docs but then he just acted like it didn't happen. He listened a bit to my moaning but will not tolerate my irrational jealousy of other mothers that I deem to be unfit - I'm a teacher too so I see a lots of neglected kids :( Anyway I think this is just his way of dealing with it and they don't feel the sore boobs go away or the disappointment when the HPT is negative again.

I would say leave him be and talk to us about your MC, we don't get sick of hearing about it, it takes some of us longer than others to get through it. AND I know this is hard because I'm TTC again but try and not let it seem like BDing to him and then he won't get stressed and scared off. Bding puts them under a lot of pressure especially if you are demanding it every night like I do ;)

I KNOW I sound like a 1940's housewife but I am so not like that and you can give it a try for a couple of days and see if it helps

xx

[Atlantisea]

Well, if it might end the relationship it goes to say that you might not be ready for the commitment of raising a child together. A good relationship is one that sees you through the good and the bad, and everything in between.

Have you tried telling him how you are feeling and explaining to him that you need his support right now? I have just gone through the same thing (miscarriage) and my partner held it together at first, and then when I fell apart so did he.
It surprised him that he wasn't coping. He expected me not to cope, but thought he was relatively ok.

Explain to him what you want and ask him how he feels about it. Relationships are about finding a middle ground, or turn taking. Keep in mind, men hide how they feel, quite often even from themselves. They don't like to know how they feel if it they can help it and they definitely don't want to think about why. He sounds as if he needs some support also.

Try and get him to communicate...