Aa
Would this make your uncomfortable?
My brother has very generously offered to contribute on a regular basis to the registered education funds we've set up for both of our boys. He and his longtime live-in girlfriend do not intend to have kids of their own and he says that he wants to do something special for his nephews. He recently completed his degree and knows how much a good education costs nowadays and wants to help ease any financial burden they may have in the future as a result of the educational path they might choose.
DH and I are both just so grateful to him for this, I can't even tell you how much the gesture means to me (a little over a year ago, my brother tried to commit suicide, so we've come a long way, and been through a lot in the recent past and over the years, especially since our mom died after a lengthy battle with cancer 8 years ago). But the only thing that makes us a bit uncomfortable is that my brother has asked that we don't discuss this with anyone, including his girlfriend - he wants to keep it just between us. I wouldn't go out and tell just anyone (well, except for you, I guess, lol)....but is it right to keep it from his girlfriend? They're talking marriage in a few years....it's a serious relationship (obviously, because she's stuck by him through his suicide attempt and everything). I don't think they've amalgamated all of their banking and finances, but should that matter?
I asked him if he thought she'd be upset or something and he said no, he just didn't want to seem as though he's looking for praise or something - because he's not. I just would hate for her to find out at some point and think that we were all keeping something from her. Am I overthinking this?
DH and I are both just so grateful to him for this, I can't even tell you how much the gesture means to me (a little over a year ago, my brother tried to commit suicide, so we've come a long way, and been through a lot in the recent past and over the years, especially since our mom died after a lengthy battle with cancer 8 years ago). But the only thing that makes us a bit uncomfortable is that my brother has asked that we don't discuss this with anyone, including his girlfriend - he wants to keep it just between us. I wouldn't go out and tell just anyone (well, except for you, I guess, lol)....but is it right to keep it from his girlfriend? They're talking marriage in a few years....it's a serious relationship (obviously, because she's stuck by him through his suicide attempt and everything). I don't think they've amalgamated all of their banking and finances, but should that matter?
I asked him if he thought she'd be upset or something and he said no, he just didn't want to seem as though he's looking for praise or something - because he's not. I just would hate for her to find out at some point and think that we were all keeping something from her. Am I overthinking this?
He sounds like a very humble and awesome brother/Uncle. I personally don't see that it is a big conspiracy or anything. I have a feeling he will disclose all of his personal finances when they get married. If you are really concerned about it, then maybe ask him how they are going to work their finances when they get married and suggest he tells her about the school funds. Then it's all out on the table...you will have an opportunity to express your worry about keeping it from her or praise him on going into the marriage an 'open book'.
After reading what grandmatobe said it made me think of something. It does have a lot to do with how they handle finances. Some couples have seperate accounts and each pay a percentage of the bills, what they do with the rest is up to each one individually. Others have one joint account and their own seperate accounts...what is in their seperate accounts is theirs to spend as they see fit, the joint account is for joint expenses. Still others merge accounts and money and do everything jointly.
IF it's a case of them doing things jointly then I believe she should know NOW. However if they are still keeping their finances seperate then I believe it is his business how he spends his money. But as I said before, this is HIS relationship and HIS responsibility. As far as you are concerned...all he needs to know is that you are not going to outright volunteer this info to her, however, if the subject is brought up you will NOT lie about it.
IF it's a case of them doing things jointly then I believe she should know NOW. However if they are still keeping their finances seperate then I believe it is his business how he spends his money. But as I said before, this is HIS relationship and HIS responsibility. As far as you are concerned...all he needs to know is that you are not going to outright volunteer this info to her, however, if the subject is brought up you will NOT lie about it.
I think its sweet and you should accept. I also dont think that whether she knows or not should really be a concern of yours. If they get married one day, I'm sure theyll be more in tune with each others finances.
I disagree with Grandmatobe. If they are together, living together, sharing household responsibilities, and going to get married soon, as partners and soon to be husband and wife, then yes, she should know, especially if she "would not have a problem with it", as he said, but It is not your place to tell her. That's your brother's business. Discuss this with him and how greatful, but uncomfortable it has made you. Why start a marriage with secrets? Would your brother appreciate her keeping money secrets from him? On the other hand, if they just "together", not living together and only discussing marriage, but have not actually began planning, then he has not obligation to discuss his money issues yet. That's just my opinion. Good luck.
I personally think as she is still his GF he doesnt need to tell herwants to marry her, and wouldnt it be best for their marriage and engagement starts with EVERYTHING being told so they trust eachother throughout. Personally I think she wll be more upset by NOT being told than being told that he is trying to be a good brother and a good uncle as his way of saying thank you for everything you guys have done for him.
You personally dont have to tell her, BUT you CAN talk to your brother and say you think it's best to tell her now, because if a future does occur she knows everything already and you wont get caught out if you will be going into Joint savings.
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You personally dont have to tell her, BUT you CAN talk to your brother and say you think it's best to tell her now, because if a future does occur she knows everything already and you wont get caught out if you will be going into Joint savings.
x
Since she is still in the "girlfriend" phase, your brother has no obligation to discuss how he spends his money with her or anyone else. In my opinion, if he chooses to keep this to himself, I believe he has the right to do so. If they get married in the future, then as his wife, I believe she deserves to know about it, if they are joining expenses etc. But until that ring is on her finger, I just don't think this particular situation should be up to her, unless he chooses to discuss it with her. I wouldn't feel uncomfortable about this set-up at all (at least for now).
Hmm...I over analyze things, and it sounds a little fishy that he doesn't want to tell her and says it wouldn't upset her. I can't see the point behind him saying he doesn't want to seem like he's looking for praise, but I'm not him.
I agree with LosingMyMindInGA...It is HIS relationship, and they are his reasons, and you should respect them, BUT I would also tell him next time you talk, like she said, that you wouldn't lie about it either. I wouldn't push to hard, but I would ask again about why he doesn't want her to know, it's none of your business really being that it's his relationship, but IMO it's not good to be hiding things that affect finances from someone he's serious with. If it were my brother I'd be asking...but that's the kind of family I have, we don't keep secrets, and if you tell someone something you better believe everyone else will know. Maybe you could casually mention that you don't want to butt into his life, but you don't think he should hide it...as your defense you could tell him she may be mad later.
I agree with LosingMyMindInGA...It is HIS relationship, and they are his reasons, and you should respect them, BUT I would also tell him next time you talk, like she said, that you wouldn't lie about it either. I wouldn't push to hard, but I would ask again about why he doesn't want her to know, it's none of your business really being that it's his relationship, but IMO it's not good to be hiding things that affect finances from someone he's serious with. If it were my brother I'd be asking...but that's the kind of family I have, we don't keep secrets, and if you tell someone something you better believe everyone else will know. Maybe you could casually mention that you don't want to butt into his life, but you don't think he should hide it...as your defense you could tell him she may be mad later.
Yes, I meant the fact that he's going to be contributing to the boys' education funds....
Are you talking about your brother giving you money and helping out alot, as in is it that he want to keep from his girlfriend.....?
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If it were me, I would graciously accept his offer however I would let him know that even though I would not outright tell anyone else about it, if it were brought up I would not lie about it either.
As far as whether or not she were to find out that he's keeping something her...to be frank, that's HIS problem. It's HIS relationship. I understand where you are coming from about the neccesity of honesty especially if they are talking marriage...but that is somethign that should be between them.
As far as whether or not she were to find out that he's keeping something her...to be frank, that's HIS problem. It's HIS relationship. I understand where you are coming from about the neccesity of honesty especially if they are talking marriage...but that is somethign that should be between them.
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