Am I Worrying for Nothing?

[justice6920]

Ok... Lets see, Me and my husband will be married for 3 yrs in September. We have had our ups and downs (infidelity on his part, over a year ago) and have seen a marriage counselor and have tried to move past this. Things have been going well. I have a 12 yr old daughter and me and DH have a 2 1/2 yr old son together. I recently found out that I am about 5 weeks pregnant. we had both discussed having more kids but decided that we did not want any now (this was before I found out I was pregnant again) We did discuss it and he is back and forth about it - He feels like we didnt get time to ourselves but just started having kids (which I kinda understand) but he is also saying that what ever I decide to do we will make it through it.... I am not sure if its just my hormones but I have this insane fear that he will do the same things to me as he did last time (cheat) and I cant help but get irritated and have mood swings due to this insane fear ( i know I have to let things go, and I truly have), Im not sure how to move past this looming feeling of impending doom (lol I know that sounds so dramatic) - I know there is no gaurantee that he WILL or WILL NOT do this again but yet I cant stop thinking about it.....any suggestions?

[justice6920]

You are absolutely right! That is exactly what he is telling me and more than he deserves... We talked a bit last night and he made it sound like he feels he is loosing me as far as not being able to go out with him, have a couple drinks, movies, ect.... bc of course a new baby does take up quite a bit of you time and we have just gotten to the point to where we are able to get back in to a routine where things are easier, my son is 28 months and much easier to handle now than a year ago. How do I get across that I will not change and will still be there, and be able to handle the new bundle of joy? I truly feel like I am having to choose between my marriage and my baby - I truly love my husband and dont want to put him in a situation where he feels forced into this - and I also have a hard time being sympathetic as well, I mean we are married - isnt this what married couple do? sigh...

[specialmom]

Hi!  Well, congrats on your baby first of all.  Yes, Mami's story is one to think about.  They've rebuilt trust and are closer now--------- moving forward.  

I think that I would be aware, however.  You two were in the rebuilding stage before you found out you were pregnant.  What your husband is saying is that he wants to be closer to you as a woman and not just a parent.  We woman have a hard time separating those two things.  Kids rule at my house.  But I think you will need to be cognizant of making special time for you and your husband in which kids are home (maybe with your 12 year old who will be babysitting age in the near future or another family member or friend or regular old babysitter).  I'd really work on your emotional connection and the fun factor between the two of you.  Keep date nights sacred, greet him at the door with a kiss and a hug whether you are exhausted with kidlets or not, treat him like your special man.  I know when my kids were little----------  there were days I greeted him at the door with a kid to hand to him and a snarl . . . it's human.  But your husband is really telling you something important.  I'd listen and make sure you work on that aspect of your home life with him.  

I do wish you well.  good luck

[mami1323]

Anytime.  I know how hard it is forgiving and starting over after something like that is.  I am 3 years in and although I'm over the initial pain, I still don't 100% trust him.  I will always suspect him because of what he did.  You hope they learned from their mistakes but once that trust has been broken it will never be the same.  I love him dearly as I'm sure you do your husband but that doubt will always be there.  I just have a different way of dealing with it now.  I tell him and myself that I will not obsess over the thoughts that he is doing something, however, he should know that if he does do something, I will find out, because whatever is done in the dark will come to light.  So to be very careful.  Just my little warning to him ;)

[justice6920]

Thanks! It does help, and these are all things I know.... and it's a daily progress... your right you do start all over again... I think this all seems this way due to the hormones! Thanks for listening to a pregnant lady's rants! lol

[mami1323]

I totally understand how you feel.  My fiance had a long term affair about 3 years ago when I was pregnant with our son.  So I can only imagine your fear.  I also wondered and feared the same thing when and if I do have another baby.  I think it's harder since you are pregnant and your hormones are all over the place as is and that issue nags at you.  Not to mention, even when we are over it, there is still a place in the back of our minds that we always wonder if they could ever do it again.  The only thing I can say is...what can you do?  There are no guarantees in life, and you can't control what he does.  You are in this position and you just have to continue living as you always were.  By you being moody and irritated, that will just push him further away and then make you wonder if he's doing it again anyway.  So why do that?  You have to keep reminding yourself each time you feel that way, that it was in the past and if he does do it again then you will leave.  You have to put these feelings of worry up on a shelf and try your hardest to nurture your new relationship.  Why I say new is because when you work on the issues after infidelity, you start over from scratch.  You have changed because of his actions and he has changed.  So you have to get to know the new you and work on the relationship as it is after the betrayal.  I don't know if this helps but it's what has gotten me through the pain up until this point.