Avatar universal

Newborn visit

We have an 8 months old baby and I have been having friends come to visit and see the baby. My work colleagues came and later 2 friends and family. Here is the issue I have a lady who walked with me spirituality (I am a christian) and emotionally before we got married but my husband know her but i shared about her and she wants to come and visit us. I told him about her cing but she said "you have been so many of your friends( remember I have never allowed any friends without us agreeing about it). So he doesn't want her to come. I feel hurt and I don't know  what to tell her without hurting her that my husband refused and she has been like my mentor.
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134578 tn?1693250592
Well, hmm. First thing to mention is, the new Covid variant is all over the country and very easy to catch. Are your friends from work, other friends, and family all masking when they come, and washing their hands? I wouldn't treat the issue with indifference, my whole family got Covid over Christmas from one exposure to one person who was coughing.

Separate from that, the issue is one person your husband apparently doesn't like. Your husband seems to be claiming, when he says "you have seen so many of your friends," that you and he should have equal numbers of friends come over.  Have lots of your friends and acquaintances come and very few of his? Have you ever resisted having any of his friends come over? It kind of sounds like he's keeping score. Or, he's just saying that he's tired of his house seemingly often having people in it that aren't there to see him. Some people don't like having lots of people over, some people don't like having people over with whom they don't have a friendship. By saying that you both have to agree on who comes to your house, you've given him the power to veto who comes over. This is kind of a surprising way to live, in your shoes I would just have my friends over when he isn't home, so he doesn't feel overrun.

Anyway, no matter if he's using the number of your friends that have come over as an excuse or not, he's specifically drawn a line at this one lady with whom you were close before your marriage. Given your past friendship, it would be very unfriendly not to let her see the baby. But babies are portable. Given your situation, pack up the baby and go over and see her. Take an Uber if you don't drive. Meet at a restaurant or mall if she doesn't want you to come to her house. She doesn't sound like she's angling specifically to come to your house and be entertained, just go see her.
It is hurting me especially when he wants us to have equal friends of which our peronalities are diffferent. We agreed from then beginning that no one comes to visit us without both of us being around.
Why is that? I can see being concerned about not being surprised by unannounced guests, but requiring both of you to be present any time a guest visits seems hard on both of you.
(Unless, of course, when you say "come over to see the baby," you mean come to stay overnight or longer. I do think both members of a couple should agree on having guests that sleep over.)
It is brief visit not a sleep over
All the easier to just take the baby and go see her, then.
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134578 tn?1693250592
Ruitha, I just looked at your other post and see you're from Nairobi. The answer I gave above assumed you were in the U.S. but the advice still applies. Go see your friend, don't have her come see you. Bring the baby. She'll be pleased to see you and grateful you went to the trouble.

Now a few more thoughts. My stepfather and mother were married a long time. Mom had 5 kids. We all often dropped by at their house. Only years later did he say it made him uncomfortable. I think Mom might have drawn the line, and said he knew she had 5 children when he married her, because he really never made much of a stink about it. He did resist when a house came up for sale in their neighborhood and one of my sisters was looking at it, he said he would feel his privacy was invaded even to have one of us living on the same street. Coming from a big extended family, we all thought that was odd, but he never had children of his own and only had one sibling who was a lot younger. Even now, he identifies as "not having any family." If your husband is like that, having your friends over (especially if they are not friends of both of you) might genuinely grate on his nerves. It might make him feel he can't just relax, in his own home. "Feeling hurt" about this is not an appropriate reaction on your part if he is genuinely stressed by having people he doesn't know very well in the house.

You are just talking about brief visits, am I correct? You aren't talking about having people spend the night? If people are coming and planning to sleep over and stay a few days, I'm definitely with your husband that both of you have to agree to this.

Have you been married very long? I'm thinking your "hurt" reaction is one that women especially young women, sometimes go to when they have a husband that is bossy. Husband says something that feels controlling, wife acts "hurt" to try to get him not to act that way. If this dynamic is what is happening, you two should work out a more adult way to talk about differences in opinion of how to live your lives together. Pouting and feeling hurt in order to manipulate a change in someone else is kind of childish and also pretty useless -- if he doesn't realize he's being bossy, you sticking out your lower lip and feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to change his behavior. You have to act like an adult, and address it head on. My suggestion is, address the question of visitors (maybe do it with a trusted counselor sitting in). You might find some ways to set limits jointly that also are generally applicable to his trying to set limits that you find untenable. I'm sure he married you because you are more social than he is, which is attractive to someone who isn't gregarious. Don't blow it by acting like a pouty child. Act like a strong woman, and with love, and talk to him about what the two of you can both live with in terms of guests.

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Avatar universal
I understand on the measures but it is just one person not a group.
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As I noted, it was only one person that got my whole family sick. Please be careful.
207091 tn?1337709493
First, I'm with Annie on the respiratory viruses. Covid, RSV, the flu - there are so many things going around right now, and RSV hits babies especially hard.

You don't mention why your husband doesn't want this particular person around. Is there a certain reason why he's been okay with others visiting, but not this person?

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