Boyfriend won't commit to me or baby.

[Trisha_Marie]

I'm 5 1/2 weeks pregnant.  My boyfriend and I have only known each other for a little over 2 months.  This pregnancy was not planned, but is definitely wanted.  My lease is up next month anyway, and they're raising the rent.  He's currently living w/his brother b/c he recently relocated.  I think we should move in together b/c it will save $.  Instead of paying 2 rents, we can pay 1 and split it.  Also, he says he wants to stay with me but is reluctant to move in together.  But he already stays at my apt at least 4-5 days a week anyway.  He says he loves me and wants to be in my and the baby's life.  But I feel that he is reluctant to commit and move in together.  We're going to be raising a child together.  It makes no sense for us to have separate residences if we're raising a child and actively dating, does it?  Help!  Am I pushing too fast?  I don't think so.  The baby and need stability.  What's so wrong with that?  We're already almost living together anyway.  Help!  Any advice is wanted.

[mayflowers]

It sounds like you tricked him by getting pregnant.  Sorry, but all he owes you is the support for your child.

[AHP84]

If you've only known each other about 2 months, don't let a baby be the deciding factor of moving in together. You two really barely know each other--you're still in the "honeymoon" relationship. Besides, you're only one month pregnant, so you still have about 7 ½ months to figure something out as far as being parents that will end up together in a long term relationship or marriage.

Don't rush into something as tying as a contract on a leased apartment. IMO, that's just asking for problems. If something does happen that makes you two want to break up, well there's still that problem of "Who's gonna move out? It's my apartment too." Then a baby's going to be involved and unfortunately stuck right in the middle of everything.

There's nothing wrong with you two having separate residences and still raising a child together. My ex and I are doing our son a favor by not being together, because when we live together, all we do is fight. But my ex lives 10 minutes away from me and sees our son on a fairly regular basis, and pays his child support each month. Our son is a happy, loving, outgoing, and a very intelligent little toddler--much happier and more content with our living arrangements then he was when his father and I attempted to live together for a few months.

I've gotta say I'm with your b/f on this one--I'd be hesitant to move in together too. Being together most of the week is one thing, but living together is something entirely different...because it's much harder to escape if things go horribly wrong for you two.

[mami1323]

I answered you in the Maternal/Child Forum.

[RockRose]

Have you talked to your mother,  or an aunt,  or a grandmother about this?

You are making some huge,  major mistakes with your life here,  and the life of your baby.  

Please consider adoption.  It's like I'm watching you play in the street and you don't see the car coming.

[girliegrl1723]

i agree with most of the above posters in that 2 months old dating is wayyyy to soon to expect any kind of major commitment. and like another poster said, there's still 7 1/2 months until there's a baby. anything can happen in that time. you and your boyfriend can continue dating, do really well, and then discuss commitment after the baby or you may find in the next 7 1/2 months that its not working and then all of this worrying about him committing to you won't have mattered at all. couple questions though, where does he live now? by himself? with parents? and when you're lease is up, do you have family members with whom you can live? i hope you do have a strong support system close by to help with the new baby just in case things with your bf don't work out. if your parent or parents are willing, id say move in with them. you will need the help and that will make life easier on both you and your bf. as long as you are 100% sure you want this baby and you have means by which to support it and you have some kind of support system around you, i see no reason why you should have to consider adoption. as far as the boyfriend goes, step back and let time take its course. tell him you changed your mind and there's no rush. this may be pretty scary for him and as long as he wants to be in the babys life and help you support it, you cant ask much more of him than that right now. imo.

good luck.

[girliegrl1723]

maybe i am missing something, but why are you so quick to jump on her? mayflowers, how do you know that she is tricking her bf. unplanned pregnancies happen everyday. i dont think you have enough facts to come to that determination and think maybe you should apologize. rock rose, i respect everything you say as you have greatly help me on another occasion, but how do you know she is not capable of raising a child? again, i don't think you have enough information on the situation. maybe she has a great family and good job and money saved and is 100% capable of raising a child on her own and then again, maybe not. but neither you or i know for sure and i think to tell someone that just said they definately want this baby to consider adoption is very unfair. i could see if we had more facts, but we just don't. respectfully, the only thing she was asking for advice on, is the situation between her and her boyfriend, not whether or not to have this baby.

please do not take offense to this, i just put myself in her shoes and felt something needed to be said.

sorry if i am wrong or out of line. don't hold it against me please.

[misscloey]

You have known him for 2 months and are having his baby and want to have a jolly, happy life together now?
Doesn't quite work that way sweetie. How old are you? I do believe you should have thought about all this BEFORE you spread your legs for him. Sorry! And to answer your question, yes. You are moving WAY to fast. How can you expect this boy to want to raise a child. Did you plan this baby? Did you commit to each other? Did you ever even discuss spending your life together in any way before the pregnancy? I feel sorry for you. You may have wanted a baby, but you cannot trap someone into committing to you with a child, doesn't work quite like that! I somehow believe that this one is going to be yours to raise alone. Call me stupid, but I see it already! Best of luck to you, I hope that at least you will learn a valuable lesson from this one.  

[bip]

I think you should get your life together and if you cant put the baby up for adoption  Do you know you wont suffer the baby will. Get your life straighten out .  Why would you have a baby with a guy you only been with for a short time?  This is my opnion.   Dont let this baby suffer...

[mayflowers]

Is it a coincidence that her lease is abt to be up?   She sounds very eager to want to move in with this guy and it's only been 2 months.  

Why wasn't she using reliable birth control?  I am not letting him off the hook either b/c he could have said no or worn a condom or made sure she was using reliable birth control.

I have to call things as I see them.  To do otherwise would not be fair to ppl.  I'm being honest.

[girliegrl1723]

i understand what you're saying and unfortunately, there's a good chance you are all right. but in any event, when i put myself in her shoes, if i was 5 1/2 weeks pregnant with a guy that i barely knew, i would be upset as it is and to have complete strangers tell me im tricking him or to put the baby up for adoption, would just make me feel worse. but maybe im giving this girl too much credit, seeing a show she hasnt even responded here OR on the maternal site where she posted as well. the situation shes in is rough, but like i said, unplanned pregnancies happen everyday but sometimes they are fortunate enough to happen to responsible, level-headed women, who do the right thing by themselves and the unborn baby. i guess i was just hoping this is one of those cases.

i kinda feel like a jerk now though for sticking up for her when she isnt even sticking up for herself. ugh!

[mayflowers]

Well, there are different ways of looking at any situation so you are looking at it from a different view than mine, which is good to do.  These forums aren't necessarily for "compassionate support" but hopefully honest opinions.   I think that  ppl need to be responsible for what happens to them - when they can.   Have you ever noticed how ppl get themselves into situations and then cry about it when things don't go their way?  And if an uplanned pregnancy happens, it doesn't mean that both ppl are going to feel the same way, especially if they haven't built up a real relationship.  Heck, even ppl that are married will be torn apart by an unplanned pregnancy.

(As for being ppl needing to be responsible, I'm not talk abt rape, incest, abuse on a child or compromised person, stuff like that.)

I think it's good that you stick up for ppl.  You are expressing an honest opinion!!  Take care, May

[mayflowers]

Hey girliegirl, my above post is for you.  I forgot to add your name.

[mami1323]

She has asked for an honest opinion from strangers.  That's what she is getting.  Unfortunately she posted on two different forums and hasn't once come back to answer questions or to respond.  So although it's nice that you are trying to defend her it doesn't seem as though she is taking offense to what people are saying.  She barely knows this man and expects a full blown commitment.  If she wasn't pregnant would she be asking for the same things.  How will that relationship work if she's pressuring him to live with her.  He's probably freaking out as well, given he just met her, got her knocked up and now is being almost forced into a situation he clearly was not ready for.  See why wearing a condom is so important.

[laura1977]

You know you only knew this guy for 2 or 3 weeks before having sex and getting pregnant.
I am sorry to say but two months isn't even close to being long enough to have him move in.  A baby doesn't require that he moves in, a baby requires a safe home with loving parents.  If this man wants to be in the babies life, great but don't make him feel like he as to move in after only knowing you two months.  
Don't corner him because you won't like the outcome of what happens.  Except his discision which in my view is a good one.  You don't know him well enough to live with this person.  Step back and just date and see what happens.  

[Trisha_Marie]

Thank you for your honest opinions.  No, I did not trap him.  I am financially able to care for the baby w/o any monetary support from him.  Although if we don't work out as a couple and he won't be involved, I will seek child support.  But I don't think it will come to that.  He seems to really want to be involved and in me and the baby's life. I am a 27 year old career woman who does not 'need' him in my life.  I want him in my life.  I want him in the baby's life.  And yes, the lease is up in Oct.  Either I sign a new one, or go month-to-month for $200 extra a month.  I can't afford that.  That's why I'm asking about living arrangements.  I'm not giving him an ultimatum or anything, just broaching ideas.  It just seems stupid to pay 2 rents when we could be paying 1.  Especially with the baby, shouldn't we try to cut corners where ever we can?  Our whole relationship has 'fast-forwarded' from the first date.  We've been intense ever since.  Maybe we need time to just work on us.  This time during the pregnancy should be a good time.

[RockRose]

You may not "need" a man,  but your baby does.    You're kidding yourself if you think money is the only reason you would "need" a man - money is just the very basic start.  A man teaches a boy how to be a man,  and teaches a girl how a man should treat her,  and how to respect herself and her body and not go looking for love in all the wrong places.

[mami1323]

I understand why a man would be important in a child's life but I was raised by a single mother and my father basically didn't want to have anything to do with us.  I turned out just fine without him and I'm probably better off that way.  I am now engaged and almost 32 weeks pregnant.  I have a great relationship and I knew how I wanted to be treated without having my father in the picture.  If he was I would of probably ended up in a dysfunctional one.  My mom did a great job on her own.  Trisha does not need a man to help her raise this child.  It's nice that she wants him to be there though.

[misscloey]

Consider yourself LUCKY. Yes, your Mom probably had the courage and guts to raise a child by herself with the stability, authority, and comfort of two parents. Kudos to her. It is not easy at all to raise a child with two people who are deeply in love, much less one by themself. Rock Rose is absolutely correct. A child absolutely needs a father or a stable father figure if nothing else. A man brings a whole other dimension into a childs life. Trisha- I suggest you focus on yourself and the health of your baby. Whether or not this guy decides to be a part or not, this baby is your responsibility for a very very long time. I am happy to hear that you are a responsible person with a good job and some fiancial security. I certainly do not mean to disrespect you, and I realize that sometimes these kinds of things "just happen" even if you were being careful. However; you can not expect this guy to warm up to the whole "family" thing overnight. You barely even know each other, how could you possibly raise a child together. I do wish you all the best and hope that somehow this all works out the very best for your new baby. I agree that if it is meant to be...it will be. Just don't be too pushy with him, let him decide that this is what HE wants.
Good Luck.  

[RockRose]

mami - life cycles tend to repeat themselves.  Since you grew up in a home where your father was absent,  you've repeated the cycle and are not married yourself,  and you're pregnant,  and you don't really see the need for a man although you state you have a great relationship with the baby's father.    Is that really how you wanted to be treated - to get pregnant and have no husband?  

Everyone gravitates to what they're used to,  what their "norm" is,  and your norm is for a woman to have to be a single parent.  It's way,  way easier to be married and a mother,  and if your parents showed you how to successfully maintain a respectful and loving long-term marriage,  it would be easy for you to follow in that blue print also.

As it is,  you probably will be a good mother,  and your child will grow up and not see the value of marriage and have their children with no spouse also.

You don't know what you've missed.  

Best wishes.

[mami1323]

Actually, today was supposed to be our wedding day but since we got pregnant and I had already bought my dress we had decided to postpone it until after the baby.  WE decided together as a couple, not him not wanting to get married.  So try to know the situation first before you spit out self rightousness.  We will be married and that is not what is important to us.  Being loving and supportive parents is what is important.  It doesn't take a piece of paper to do that.  

misscloey - I have a few friends who were raised by single mothers and they are in loving relationships.  But I do agree a father figure is important.  I wouldn't want my son to not have his father.  

[girliegrl1723]

what about situations where the father is very much present and abusive or an alcoholic or a drug addict? in those situations, wouldn't it be better for the father to not be around at all. i don't think there is a univeral right and wrong when it comes to families and home life as each situation is so varied. i just don't see how you would suggest to a young woman who is financially stable and choosing to have the baby she is pregnant with to give it up for adoption simply because the father may or may not be in the picture. is that right? i see where you're going with the importance of a father figure, but i think what you're missing is to stress the importance of a POSITIVE father figure. same goes the other way around. there a a select few fathers who raise children without mothers for some reason or another. yes, in any event, the child is always effected one way or another, but it is not always for the worse. you can't say that mami would have been better off subjected to a father who wanted nothing to do with them. how beneficial would that have been? you just can't cookie cut these type of major life decisions.

[RockRose]

mami,  you are choosing to have a baby with no husband because the dress you wanted to wear  no longer fits.    You and I live on different planets.  You're p;robably not all that upset to hear that,  I'm sure.  ;D


girliegrl - no,  a bad man isn't better than no man at all.  The point is to spend your life trying to make the very best decisions you can,  and sometimes things go awry and you have to change plans.  

[mami1323]

Exactly my point.  Everyone's home life is different and we can't judge it and say that it's better to have a father even though he may not be a good one.  Knowing how my father is, I would rather he not have been around or else I would probably have been with an alcoholic man myself and that's where the cycle repeats itself.  I have been with my fiance for 4 years and have every intention on getting married, but I'm not going to rush into it because I'm pregnant.  We were engaged before I got pregnant and planning the wedding.  I want to have the wedding I had planned for and not do a city hall type of deal just because I am pregnant.  If my fiance had issues, then one I wouldn't be with him, two I wouldn't of decided to have a baby with him and three I wouldn't want him around my son if I were to be pregnant.

[mami1323]

Are you perfect, or are your life decisions perfect?  No I don't think so.  Why should I change my wedding plans because I am pregnant.  Will my son know any different?  If we are both loving parents and can provide for him does it really matter when I walked down that aisle?  Get real.