Can i clear my name?

[Advice1000001]

OK, this is complicated - I have dated my boyf for 3 years but just found he has been dating another woman for the same amount of time completely unbeknown to either of us. Our relationship has always been challenging though as  his ex-wife thought we had an affair (when he was going through conselling with her) and we have some mutual friends. The truth is though that we texted each other a bit but nothing happened until he had separated and moved out. Despite this she kept refering to our affair and incorrectly told people about it. He denied it, but I cant imagine she believed him and thought we went to Austria together when he was married. He was scared that if his children knew they would hate him for cheating on their mother with me. I regret the text messages but they were not explicit.

However, he was having an affair with this other woman at the time of his counsellign and it was her that he took to Austria etc not me. She was married but had no qualms about having an affair with him. However, as his ex wife had no idea she existed, he has been able to tell his ex about her etc.

I am totally uncomfortable with the idea that she still thinks we had an affair - her ex husband had an affair, but not with me! Now I know the truth I want to tell his ex wife of this. She knows he had an affair so it will not cause her any more pain, but she has blamed the wrong person. I dont want to open up old wounds but I know his children adn it seems unfair I am blamed as a "homewrecker" whereas she is not and has been able to meet with them etc.

I am no saint but I seem to be bearing an excessive burden - do you think I should tell her or do you think this will cause more issues. I no longer want amy contact with him as he is a cheat and a liar, but it is awkward given the number of people known by both me and his ex wife. He doesnt seem to be at all bothered by the situation.

[Nutkin]

I have to half agree with Mami123, i can also understand where you are coming from have personally been in a situation when 2 people changed my life completely  due to self denial on their part of their problems, that changed my life  , i have moved on but yet i will never get answers to questions i wanted of them because they are selfish people and only think about them self, and no care for their actions as long and they got what they wanted, i don’t care what they think of me and never have done and i only answer to myself, but the unanswered questions would of been nice to know why since they put me through hell, on the other hand i can see where ‘Mami123’ is coming from and yes she might think your starting trouble up again, it’s choice you  and only you can make, if you can leave with the fact she doesn’t really know the truth then let it lie if you think she is still haunted by it then  tell her, sometimes knowing the truth doesn’t always have an happy ending

[mami1323]

Again, what's the point?  The ex-wife has clearly moved on and is dating someone else.  Who cares what she or anyone else thinks of you?  It's how you perceive yourself.  She won't thank you for clearing up things for her.  She will either think you are starting trouble and she will think you are lying anyway.  There will be no point.  You will only come out looking bad once again.  

[Judy246]

Read most of the responses....let it go. By approaching the ex and "clearing your name", this drama is just not going to end. The buck stops right here...let it go and move forward with your life and who care what they think of you. You know you've done nothing wrong and have nothing to hide and be very careful that by telling her, this may back fire on you with the ex who did have an affair (more drama)...let it go.

[Advice1000001]

Thanks for all of the comments - however, given the ex-wife knows both me and also the woman that he had the affair with (and is OK with her) I am still minded to tell her that she has the wrong person. It seems unfair that we can all be out together and the ex-wife thinks that it was me he had an affair with when it was actually her!!
I am not with him anymore but I still see his ex wife, children our mutual friends etc and hence I really really want to clear this up once and for all.
Does anyone agree - I can only see positives in this for me and I also think that when she asks her ex husband directly he will tell the truth.

[mami1323]

I doubt she would believe you any way.  Who cares what she and her kids think.  You are not with him anymore, therefore, you don't have to deal with his past dramas anymore.  I have to agree with teko here, in a way this is what you get.  No you didn't do anything with him until after the separation but out of respect, you shouldn't even been in communication with him until after the marriage was dissolved.  So this is just the circle of life so to speak.  Your bit in this entire thing.  It will soon be a thing of the past and people will move on.  Now you need to do the same.  Good luck.

[teko]

I doubt that the wife would want to hear anything you have to say first of all, secondly, she is trying to move on and desserves to do so and wants to put the past in the past. Thirdly, even if you did nothing physically until he moved out, he was still married with baggage, thereby you were helping disrespect his family.  Hopefully you learned something from all this and will select your men a little more carefully. When we get involved in someone elses business, whether intentional or not, we usually end up being part of the drama.

[iam1butterfly]

There is little to be gained by dredging up past affairs... real or imagined. Just let it go.

[Judy246]

You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to prove. I believe in Karma and there is nothing in this universe that is hidden that will not come to the surfice. I promise you, he is not going to get away with this. The truth will come out, either by his stupid conscience or the woman who he had an affair with and she will realize your innocence. Who knows, maybe one day when the truth comes out...she might just apologize to you.

[Advice1000001]

Thanks, you are probably right but I hate the fact that her and her kids think that I am to blame for her divorce as do our mutual friends - she contacted me to tell me this. She doesnt know anything about the affair with the married woman at all. So long and short is he had an affiar but not with me and I am really struggling with that as he seems to have got off scott free - he hasnt lied to her as he wasnt directly asked abut the married woman but didnt bother to clear my name when he had so many chances.  I do think she has suffered ebough though - she does have a very close friend though who I know so I am considering telling her and asking her for advice too.

[Judy246]

Ok, let me see if I understand your posting.

* b/f cheated on you
* b/f previously married
* His exwife accused you both of having an affair (you did text each other, so there was
  some interest there, and it was inappropriate of both of you to do this and you know it,
  since he was married).
* He  was having an affair with a married woman also,which make them both adulterer.

I think his poor wife has suffered enough with this man and just leave it alone. Move on...he is not worth anyone's time and it serves no purpose to anyone continuing this drama. Leave it alone and move forward with your life. She will eventually move on and what she thinks about you at this time is not important, because it was not true and you know it was not true, so let her think whatever she wants. She has a lot on her plate and children to raise, so leave it alone and move on. Good luck