Can you help me? I'm confused

[confused35]

I don't know if I'm creating problems or if these things need to be addressed. So, perhaps I could ask for some advice? My fiance and I have been together for about 3 years. We are getting married in a few months. In the beginning I was (and still am, for the most part) so attracted to him physically and emotionally. Things have changed a bit and I'm scared it will get worse. I want to fix it but I'm not sure if I'm being ridiculous or not. I particularly am interested in a mans opinion, but will take a womans too.

Anyhow, I have never received flowers from him. Never received a birthday gift and only last year for our 3rd Christmas together did I receive a Christmas gift after I bought him a brand new 4 wheeler. A week after Christmas he gave me a gift certificate for a massage and one for Victoria's Secret. He never gave me anything for mother's day either, and we have a child together. Not even a card from our son ): I have told him before that it would be nice to feel like he is thinking of me. He is not thoughtful. Not at all. He doesn't think of me when he is out, thinking of something I might like. I do. All the time. I think of things he loves and bring them home to him. I barely get a thanks out of him. I asked him one day when I was feeling sorry for myself I guess, why he has never given me flowers, because I love them so much. I even buy them for myself! He said "I don't give flowers."

The other day we bumped into some old high school friends of his. He started talking with them, with me standing at his side, smiling at them, waiting to be introduced. After about 10 minutes, one of the guys actually introduced them as old high school friends and I introduced myself as his fiance, "Nice to meet you!" Once we got out to the car I asked him why he didn't introduce me. This has come up before. He said "You know I'm not good at that!" I told him I would appreciate if he would try next time. Many times, he rolls his eyes at my ridiculous requests, such as wishing to be introduced.

Another thing, he used to keep himself groomed, used to dress nice and used to wear cologne. This is now a rarity. Why doesn't he feel the need to impress me anymore? I still feel the need to look good for him, to keep him attracted to me, to stay in shape. He has gained about 30 lbs and doesn't seem to care. I love him no matter what, but I found these things attractive and he doesn't do them anymore. The thing that really got me was that he started back to school again to get his BA in business. I forgot my lunch at home so asked him if he could bring it to me at work. He brought it by and when I went out to his car he looked HOT! He had his hair done, nice clothes on and just plain looked great. I haven't seen him look that good for quite some time. The last few times we have gone anywhere in public he has had his baseball cap and holey jeans on. I even told him the jeans need to be thrown, or worn to work in the garage or something. They are no longer nice enough to wear in public.

Yet another thing. He has bad allergies. He sniffs constantly at home and blows his nose loudly very often. He also farts loudly many times each day. I have accepted these things about him, even though sometimes it drives me nuts. Most of the time I just crack a joke about it, or say "Was that for me?" when he does the loud farting. However, in public he does not have these habits and when we were first together he did not have those habits. I have even asked him why he didn't do that stuff when we were first dating. He said because he was trying to impress me. Also, he doesn't cuddle with me like he used to, touch me as much or play with my hair. Why? Does he love me less?

So, why is he not trying to impress me anymore? I still try to remain attractive and do special things. I plan to do this for our lifetime together! Am I being unreasonable? How do I approach this? I don't want to fall out of live with him!

[Vance2335]

Only this man knows what is in his mind, but it seems like he is thinking that he already has you and does not have to do anything to keep you.

I would have a long sit down talk with him and let him know how you are feeling and what you are looking for.

[confused35]

That's what I'm afraid of ): Does this mentality make a relationship flourish? NO. I don't want this for the rest of my life and it scares me deeply. I want to feel loved and appreciated and be thought of. I do these things for him!

I know I need to communicate these things to him. It's just not easy. I feel like I will be attacking him and will hurt his feelings. But I am important, too! I deserve love and to be cherished.

[Agiesmom]

I know you don't want a woman's opinion, but I'm thinking this is a mess.  Everyone gets a little more "comfortable", but this is pretty bad, imo.

If you didn't have a child together, I'd tell you to get rid of him for good, but that's not going to happen.  You're tied to him for life and you will have more control over how your child's life goes if you figure out how to live with the things you don't like.  And don't think you are going to change them.  You aren't.  He is what he is.  It's a shame you didn't see that before you got pregnant.

So, as long as he's not abusive, addicted to anything, and not sleeping with other women, I would focus on being the best mom you can be and not expect anything at all from him--that way, you can't be disappointed.  He's selfish and doesn't think much of you, but he could be selfish and not think much of you while living with his new girlfriend (with his hair nicely done and wearing cologne).  Then you'd be dealing with much bigger things--like your child being angry and crushed and hurt over the things dad and the new girlfriend say and do during their weekend visitations.  So basically, you made your bed...  You know the rest of the saying.  The alternative would likely be much worse.

[confused35]

I feel almost as if I was lied to in the beginning. I really do love him. It just hurts to not be thought of and to not have the special things and pampering at times reciprocated. I would never leave him. I don't think. And I also wouldn't put off our marriage. Also, our son was not planned. I had an IUD that failed after being together for two years. But this new unthoughtulness has taken an even more dramatic turn lately.

I don't feel I deserve this. It's a form of disprespect IMO. He will come to me at times and say something like, "I know you think I'm a jerk sometimes, but I do really love and appreciate you." He will open doors for me when out and about. He carries the heavy stuff. He adores our son. He just doesn't do special things for me and it makes me sad that he no longer thinks he needs to.

Is there any point in trying to "fix" this? I don't want to be a nag. Is it worth telling him that I am hurt that I'm not thought of on my birthday, or for Mother's Day or when being introduced? Is it wrong to ask for flowers because they make me feel special?

One thing is that it affects our sex life. I feel he's not putting effort forward so therefore, don't have the desire as much as I used to. I don't want that to happen! I'm just afraid this isn't going to change and I'm marrying into a life of sadness and hurt feelings. That is no way to live.

[mami1323]

Yes, you can fix this.  You need communication and before you get married.  I'm in couples counseling, unfortunately it's due to my fiance being unfaithful.  But our problems stemmed back from before the infedility.  We also share a son together so it felt necessary to try and salvage our relationship.  We lost each other somewhere.  We used to work hard at our relationship.  Do special things, surprise one another with small tokens of our appreciation.  But it dwindled and we fell apart.  He put forth effort and I stopped and then he pulled away to someone else.  But that's not an excuse, but we know we have lost each other somewhere and we are trying to get it back.  The counseling really really helps.  We can openly communicate there, we are able to see things more clearly and we do it with talking not yelling.  We are both very strong willed individuals and don't back down so it is a pointless argument when we both just fire back at eachother.  In therapy we have someone mediating and she gives us little homework assignments that forces us to bring our relationship to life.   Like the last assignment was to go on a date, leave the baby with a sitter and buy eachother, small, inexpensive gifts but write a little love note.  My fiance's typical card is one that he picks out and underlines the words already written on the card.  Not very creative, this time he had to write something and it was really nice to see.  So I suggest, before you just end it all together, to try counseling.  You have a child that you share, it's important that you try.  Oh and just to make you aware, I would worry a little about the fact that he's dressing up to go to school.  Who is he trying to impress?  Just a little warning and it comes from experience.  

[Agiesmom]

If you aren't leaving (and I don't think you should), you need to find ways to be happy.  You make your own happiness--you aren't solely dependent on someone else for that.  And you teach people how to treat you.  You have more power over how things go in your life than you probably think.

He doesn't sound like a monster or quite like the selfish slob you initially described.

I think he probably shows you he loves you in HIS ways.  And you are showing him in ways YOU would appreciate.  This often happens.

Maybe YOU find candlelit dinners romantic and a way of showing you care, but he walks in and complains because it's so dark.  That doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate YOU, that's just not something that means a lot to him.

So, I would start by telling him that men and women appreciate different things--ask him what he appreciates (what he wants from you) and then tell him what you appreciate.

I remember telling my husband when we were much younger and our son was a baby, "Until our child can earn money and get himself to a store to buy a card and gift for me, I expect you to take him and teach him to be thoughtful of me."  He appreciated being told that.

Men don't like "hints".  Just say what you want and what you need in a non-nagging, unemotional way.

I have a friend who always got exactly what she wanted for Christmas.  I remember telling her, "How nice...you're lucky that he knows you so well and can pick out things you really like and want."  She laughed and said, "I give him a WISH LIST!  Otherwise, I'd get a calendar with kittens on it."  LOL!

Men want to feel important.  They want to make us happy.  And they want to fix things for us.  So when we whine emotionally about what they don't do and how we feel unappreciated or unloved without giving them a clue what to do to fix it, it's frustrating and they shut down.  Or if we tell them in an emotional way, they feel like they let us down or like we're telling them what to do.  So just say it in direct way at a calm time.

My husband doesn't want candlelit dinners (he views candles as a fire hazard!  LOL!)--he wants a clean house and a cheerful wife and happy kids to greet him when he comes home from work. When I tell him I'm unhappy about something someone else does, he gives me a shoulder to lean on and tells me he's sorry I'm upset.  He used to try to tell me what to do and say to fix it, but I finally told him that when I complain about a co-worker, I want him to just commiserate with me and say he understands or "that stinks".  Nothing more.  I told him I like diamonds.  I like perfume that he thinks smells nice.  Don't buy me clothes.  Don't buy me household appliances.  Don't for a minute think I will want uncomfortable thong underwear for my birthday.

So...what I'm saying is you should tell him what you want in a calm, matter-of-fact, unemotional way.  Reinforce the good things he does by telling him, "I like that you did that." or "That really makes me happy."  When he wears cologne, get all over him and let him know you like it (take him upstairs!).  They need direct feedback and reinforcement and prefer to-the-point information.  They aren't mind readers and they don't know what to do with emotional diatribes.

Anyway...this is what I've learned over the years.

All the best to you.

[jo929]

If you are having these thoughts now, what kind will you have if you marry him?  luck  jo

[confused35]

Well, this is what I'm trying to resolve (hopefully) before we do get married. I am looking forward to our marriage and to spending the rest of my life with this man. I just know that I deserve appreciation and some attention, other than just sex. I do his laundry, cook, clean, and even make sure ALL of our bills are paid. I even send him reminders when his are due because he's "Not good at that." All I'm asking for is a little appreciation. I want to know I'm being thought about. If he would just realize that this kind of thoughtfulness carries over into the bedroom I'm sure he would do it.

I don't want to "settle" for this forever. It has to be fixed or I will become resentful and angry. It's still early and I think it can be fixed.

Agiesmom, you gave some good suggestions and examples. I know I need to be more clear to him and not just hint at things. I know I need to do it without emotion but it's hard to do that, being that that's how women communicate! I will give it my best try though. I want this to work. We have a beautiful son, a lovely house and great potential as a couple. He's not an angry man, not the type of man that goes out, and is very family oriented. I think he just needs some fine tuning (:

[confused35]

Oh, and also we are going to be going to a 12 week pre marital counseling at our church. I'm hoping these things come out and that we can address them but I am also wanting to bring them up beforehand so he is not shocked that I am feeling this way.

No addictions, no bad habits, no other woman, no concerns with trust whatsoever. Just not feeling loved or appreciated ):

[suzi-q]

You have to decide what YOU need in this relationship...if his making you feel "special" is important to you in a relationship, then it is a big deal.  And, there is NOTHING at all wrong with that!!!  YOU like flowers....and he SHOULD bring you flowers to make you happy...his ignoring these little things are very selfish of him.  He is taking total advantage of you and your love for him.  I would say DO NOT get married and move on if it weren't for the baby because YOU deserve more out of this relationship...YOU need to be happy.  However, there is a baby to think of here.  I say get into counseling and get into it quick...not just the church counseling...but some real couseling to see if this relationship can be salvaged.  

My opinion also differs from other posts on here, because I do not see it as "you made your bed, you should lie in it".  You do NOT have to marry this man if you don't want to.  You do not have to "settle" because of your child.  A child needs a home preferably with both parents in the same home, however, it is more important that a child sees you happy and fulfilled and not just settling because of him.  

I hope that you see you deserve so much more out of life.  Try the couseling for the sake of your child, but do not feel that you MUST marry this man, especially if he doesn't appreciate you or consider your feelings.

[confused35]

Well, I talked with my fiance on Friday. I did not get emotional and just told him what I want. I first asked him why he wants to marry me. He said because he knows I'm the right woman. I asked him why. He said because he loves me. I asked him what he loves about me and he could not pinpoint one specific thing. I asked him to look me in the eyes and he had a very hard time doing that. I told him that I feel that he does not appreciate me or show me the love I deserve and the love that I show him. I specifically told him I love flowers, I expect to be honored on Mother's Day and that our son needs to be taught that. I told him the things I know he likes and loves and when I see those things I think of him and bring them to him. I told him I know his favorite meals, his favorite things to do, favorite music, etc, etc...and I'm always searching for ways to make him happy and feel loved.

So, he didn't have much to say. He showed me in two little ways that he partially understood what I was talking about. He went to get himself a flosser after dinner last night and brought me one and said "See, I do think about you." Then, this morning I got an email saying "Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and I love you soooooo much."

It's a start. A ridiculous one, I know...but it's a clue that he at least listened to a few things I said. We will see what the future holds. I deserve this!