Can't sleep in the same bed/get close to your lover?

[Sher417]

How's this for unusual? I'm an attractive, educated, almost-43-year-old female, never married. String of short- and long-term relationships, with men.

Always thought my inability to sleep in the same bed with my significant other, excessive urination before sleep, dislike of cuddling, were tiny issues, but now I'm thinking I'm going to be single forever, because of it! I found out that an ex-boyfriend basically broke up with me because of it (and my control around my sleeping issues - i.e. pillow has to be a certain way, absolute silence in the house needed, etc.), and my last boyfriend thinks it's essential to sleep, comfortably, and intertwined, with his significant other.

Has anyone else experienced this? I also have sleep issues when I'm by myself, but they pale in comparison. And, get this: I CRAVE intimacy when I'm in a relationship, to the point where I'm neurotic, jealous, controlling and paranoid about what my boyfriend's up to (even when he's up to nothing!). I even hate his being on Facebook, with a bevy of beautiful "friends" on there, too. It got to the point where I wouldn't even look anymore! And, once my boyfriend has (understandably) run from my life, I bombard him with "I miss you" letters, emails, etc. I can't seem to hold anyone, OR let anyone go, despite my fear of intimacy! CRAZY!!!!!

Am I cracking up? How do I control this? Has anyone else experienced anything remotely similar to this?

Feedback needed! Thanks!

[lovemykids465]

You sound like  you have OCD. I know b/c I do too. There are medications you can take but I found counseling works the best.

[specialmom]

I agree that habits can be very difficult to break.  And sleep is that essential thing we all need and if someone has had serious issues with sleep such as chronic insomnia, they will become very protective of their habits.  I will tell you that I've had a few issues myself.  I do like things a certain way.  I don't like to cuddle when I sleep.  There I said it.  But I don't.  Husbands legs drape over me and feel like a heavy log and I want to hack it off.  I also don't like sounds that another person right next to you can make.  I love my husband----------  I love my sound sleep.  I thought I was doomed when we were dating to dark circles under my eyes and a ever present sleep deprived grumpy attitude.  Well . . .   I will tell you that habits change.   I don't hear my husband's "noises" anymore as they are just the normal sounds of the night now, we cuddle as we go to sleep and then I get my "space" and now if he is not home, I'm kind of uncomfortable without him.  So . . . I tell you this because there is hope that you will comfortably sleep with another man.  (or come together as needed as Teko said)
Without getting into detail, there must be things behind your bedroom and relationship behavior.  The push and pull of your relationships is obviously a vicious cycle.  I think it would be wise to follow up with a psychotherapist to discuss this and sort it out so you can get on with your life and be happy.  Best wishes for restful sleep ahead . . . with a significant other.  

[teko]

You are set in your ways from being single so long. Habits are very hard to break. Ask anyone that ever smoked. You want to be different but have been doing the same things the same way for so long you cannot change. And you might need a little counseling as well. My husband was single for 20 something years until he met me. He was the same way you describe when it came to sleeping. I kicked him into the guest room. He is not a cuddler, does have to have a dark room, no noise, but insists on a fan being on all the time.  I like to cuddle, like to fall asleep watching television and hate a fan blowing on me. He likes a soft mattress and I like the firm one. U know I actually like having my space and when we want to get romantic, no room in the house is off limits. But the jealousy and insecure thing, I think you really need help with that one. Good luck.

[Judy246]

Wow...ok, I'm going to be real honest here, you are your own worst enemy and sabatoging your happiness,  yet there is hope for you ok. At 43, you still can get married easily. If some women marry in there 50 + there is hope for all.

This is what I got from your post and your own description and it's good to see it from someone elses perspective:

* unable to sleep with someone (red flag!)
* Urinating alot at night (you might want to avoid drinking liquids after 6:00 pm or go
  to the doctor for an evaluation, diagnose and treatment). Easily taken care of.
* not warm and fuzzy in the bedroom when it's time to sleep. Just want to sleep and
  not be bothered (can also be signs of antisocial behavior).
* Controlling behavior (big turn off for men): pillow has to be a certain way and house
  must be silent.
* Your own words: I'm neurotic, jealous, controlling and paranoid about what my  
  boyfriend's up to (even when he's up to nothing!). I even hate his being on Facebook,
  with a bevy of beautiful "friends" on there, too. (major red flag here!)
* Once they leave you, you become needy and desplay obsessive behavior (red flag!).

You are aware of your problems and definately have attachment issues and there is more going on that needs to be addressed, so you need therapy or a counselor to sort out what your problems are and get to the bottom of what has happened to you, or your upbring, etc. that has resulted in attachment and phobic issues. Warning...not man will put up with you if you do not change your behavior and meet them half way. There is always hope, but you start by realizing that you have issues that need to be addresses to avoid spending the rest of your life alone.

[EveKendall]

It's OCD on the sleep behavior but you also sound like you have attachment disorder issues. Could be from early trauma, but who knows?  You sound very insecure with the jealousy, which means you'll need to work on building up your ego structure as well.

I'd get counseling. At least you are aware  of the problem(s).  If you don't figure it all out, you probably WILL be alone the rest of your life.

Stick with Ph.D.'s or LCSWs. The marriage and family therapists don't usually know what they are doing, especially around attachment issues.

[imanaddict]

Have you ever considered going to therapy to figure out why these issues control every aspect of your relationships?