I couldn't agree with Londres70 more.
Also, do some homework on the stages of love. If you always pin your hopes on feeling that "connection" you are going to go through a lot of boyfriends. Unfortunately, movies and romance novels have all created a world where we stay "in love" with our partners, but love has stages. People start to look at their partner with jaded eyes when they no longer get butterflies in their stomachs at the sight of them. However, that is not possible to keep that feeling. The "connection" that you felt is the first stage of love, or infatuation. You feel like that person knows you better than anyone, and that they have everything in common with you. You wonder how you can live without them, and of course, any person you have moved past this stage with can no longer make you feel this way. This is how so many affairs happen (including my own wife). Hanging around with my best friend they began to see that they had more in common than I did, and the whole, "I wouldn't treat you that way", or "I can't believe we have so much in common!" begins to make you feel like they are magical. Unfortunately, THEY ARE, at least for the moment. Everything about them is cute, or interesting, but stay around them long enough and it becomes irritating.
Have you ever been around someone that tells a really funny joke? You laugh really hard the first time, the second time, maybe even more. You will even tell people when you are all together that they have to hear the joke; however, after hearing that same joke for the 50th time, you find it stupid and want them to never tell it again?
It sounds like you are living in a "neverland" with your desired boyfriend, and that is not a real place. Relationships consist of growing up, bills, differing opinions, and families. The long lasting love takes compromise, and understanding. This is something you cannot have with someone that you start out in a web of deception and lies. As Londres70 said, he is a player, but is playing the victim. He's not into you now because you are available and want to move into the next stage of love with him. He likes being the "hero" and will continue to bounce from girl to girl. When he finally settles down, and neverland becomes a distant memory....he will become enamored with first hot girl that he has a "connection" with.
Honestly, you have to mature in who and what you are looking for. These types of fairytales unfortunately never end with happily ever after.
How old are you all?
Sounds like you are dealing with an office "Casanova." (I am using a more POLITE term for WHAT he is). You ever wonder WHY this man is choosing to sleep with co-workers? You ever wonder why he and his gf broke up? Apparently he LOVES chasing "skirts" especially the ones at work. When does he actually do his work? He seems to be busy trying to find "office hook-ups." This man sounds like he has been doing this FOREVER and a day.....sounds pretty good at it/a "real" PRO.
Then, you go on to say he was sleeping with this other woman in the office because you weren't available? I don't think so. If that was the case he would have STOPPED that by now and STARTED a relationship WITH you which by the way HE ISN'T GOING TO DO.
Your statement....."My only guess is hes afraid to make a move or just not that into me and everything that happened between us was him lying." My response.....I will say the LATTER part of your statement is CORRECT; he is NOT into YOU and IS LYING.
Your statement...."so what is he doing?" My response....He is playing games with you. Saying and doing EXACTLY what you want to HEAR, but then at the same time trying to keep you from figuring out the REAL TRUTH of the matter. TYPICAL PLAYER/CASANOVA/WOMANIZER.
Tell him how you "truly" feel. I am 100% certain he will TOTALLY start to "pull away" and move ON to his NEXT VICTIM. If you mention anything about a "relationship" with him is will "run" as fast he can away from you.
"She is younger and I almost feel bad for her because its a classic situation." My response....I feel sorry for the BOTH of you because he is "bedding" both of you at the same time.
Be by yourself for a while and cut your ties with this jerk. Getting involved with co-workers is ALWAYS a bad idea. Hey, if you want to get involved with someone do it with someone you DON'T work with, but for now just be by yourself. I wouldn't recommend returning to the relationship you had or continuing to sleep with this co-worker.
wow. so its been a minute since I updated on this conversation but i feel pulled again. Since my last comment a lot has happened. I decided to end things with my now ex. it wasn't all pretty and was hard. Of course. he then tried to get me back and said how he'll never forgive himself for letting me down. He said he has changed, recently went through a loss of close grand-dad, and wants to make things right but I just don't feel it happening. he moved out about two weeks ago. During this period, i was intimate with this co-worker i've been talking about. Everything just happened so naturally between us. Nothing was forced and almost like it couldn't have been stopped. It was that intense. Amazing! and no man has ever made me feel the way he does. granted i'm primarily talking about sex here but it felt deeper then just sex. we've "been together" about 4 times. During all this i have been reluctant to take anymore steps with him because of my fresh breakup. He had broken up with his g/f awhile ago and in the meantime started spending time with another girl i work with. I know right seems a little ridiculous. But i was still with my bf at the time and slowly ending it. So I wasn't 'available' until some time later. Now this girl seems to have turned into them being together, as an item. We've talked about her a couple times and everything he has said hasn't been good. I'm wondering how these things could come out of his mouth about her and whatever is going on between them but yet he is still doing it/"with her." She is younger and I almost feel bad for her because its a classic situation. Anyways this connection i felt with this man has left me spellbound. I felt so close to him so how could now that i'm available he feels so distant? My only guess is hes afraid to make a move or just not that into me and everything that happened between us was him lying. I have a problem with opening up when it comes to my feelings and wonder if he is not clear that I want him . my hear flutters when I'm around him. I feel like I need to tell him how i'm feeling and then whatever decision he makes i will feel better knowing that there is no way he can be unclear because i've told him. something inside me just needs to be brutally honest with him. He tried to kiss me the other night after work. I pulled away and he commented "what, friends can kiss" and then he said he loved me. I responded with "no,you don't" and he said well as a friend not like i want to marry you or anything. I thought that was strange he would even bring marriage into the situation. But after i denied him the kiss, cause apparently he is still seeing this other girl and our kisses are very loaded, he seemed really hurt, turned, and walked away. so what is he doing? If he really wants me why doesn't he just do it?or is he afraid too? I'm okay with being alone right now and am enjoying it just finding it hard to forget such a connection. this whole thing is making me feel a bit crazy.
What about being on your own??? Agree with Londres.
When being on our own doesn't feel like an option-------- I get VERY worried about someone.
You shouldn't be in a relationship that doesn't feel like it is working. And you should be scanning the crowd for the next guy to move onto before you leave. It's a quick ticket to more unhappiness. And what you do to your own psyche by believing you have to have a man to be whole is quite damaging.
You need to figure out who you are without any man near you. Just be you. you'll be fine. good luck
Your statement="Tired of spinning my wheels on this and our bridge of indecision."
My question= Why are you staying then?
Your statement="My current relationship seems to be taking a lot out of me."
My question once again=Why are you staying then?
I wouldn't recommend the hopping from guy to guy situation; usually NEVER works. Sounds like you are waiting for this "crush" to come sweep you away still. Dear, don't waste your time fantasizing over something that probably won't happen. Respect yourself and respect this crush's relationship with his gf.
Move on and do it BY YOURSELF.
.
So I guess it's been almost two weeks now. My boyfriend and I have had multiple discussions about our issues. We both agree that there are problems, he feels the same way.
Frustrated and not really sure what to do. I've suggested help books or even counseling but he doesn't seem enthused to try any and at this point not too sure I am for the both of us.
He hasn't been working, on unemployment, and my attraction to him has gone down since it doesn't really seem like he is pursuing much. His confidence has lowered as well. I asked him the other day "What do you want to be doing with your life right now?" and said I want him to do whatever it is that will make him happy. It seems like the answer to that is him working which ,in this position, means him traveling for maybe months at a time. This has always been a part of our relationship, him leaving for work. Honestly I've always had a hard time with it and recently his lack of communication while he is gone doesn't help. I know he is not cheating on me. I trust him, but oddly found out the other day that I have been his only girlfriend he has been faithful to.
So here we are. I feel like we're just waiting for him to go away to work before we split. Unless something drastic changes I don't' feel there is a strong future together.
Tired of spinning my wheels on this and our bridge of indecision.
My crush has surprised me. Lately our interactions have been way more short. We used to hug but that seems to have stopped and his escorts to late night car walk have as well. I don't ask for these things. They just happened. there is still an attraction but i think i've made it clear until we break up with our partners there is NOTHING that will happen. I really want to spend quality time with him and get to know him more, see if i'm seriously that interested but don't think it will happen because i'm not going to put the effort forward.
My current relationship seems to be taking a lot out of me.
I wish you all the best with sorting this out.
You do deserve to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship; don't settle. If that means moving on, then so be it.
Bonjour.
you sound like you are on the right track dear. Good luck with this big conversation and please let us know how it goes. Peace
Thank you all so much for the comments! It so nice to hear. I think they are all great advice and I have been thinking a lot of similar thoughts on my situation.
This crush is exactly that, a crush that is most likely going nowhere and i wouldn't imagine breaking up with my b/f with hopes of getting together with this crush. I want to make a break the right way for myself and my true desires. Currently my b/f is out of town and has been for the past 10 days so with his return I will be addressing this issue. Hopefully all goes well and I can be strong for myself!
Hi there. Well, I agree with the idea that this man at work could be flirting for fun or is a scoundrel as he has a girlfriend, and neither of these would I take all that seriously. Crushes are fun.
They are less fun when you are in a long term relationship. I think that I would take this as a wake up call. You want more in your life than you currently have and what is missing is that chemistry of attraction and sexual compatibility. You have no kids and he has let you know that although you would like to get married, me most likely won't give you that. To be honest, I think this is your wake up call to move on.
Relationships that are long term are work at times to keep the romance going but I get the impression that you never had that with this man in the first place. You are more like companions, loving companions. I don't blaming you for desiring more and think you should have it. You are a young woman and have a long life ahead of you.
I wouldn't leave your boyfriend because of this crush thinking that will go anywhere. I'd leave because you want to be free to find a man that is closer to the mate you really deep down desire. The guy at work has a girlfriend and is flirting with a woman (you) that has a boyfriend. That is not a match made in heaven. You should be free, not date for a bit to clear your head and then look for a man that offers what you are looking for. don't overlap relationships as that often leads to issues.
good luck dear
I think your crush is exactly that...a crush. Your relationship is unsatisfying in many areas and so you are simply attracted to something new. Mr. Casanova also has a girlfriend and so I don't see this going anywhere. Don't set yourself up for disaster. Sometimes we over romanticize alot of this especially when we are lacking something. And so your bf is not romantically in sync with you and this guy is giving you long stares and helping you with your jacket. If your bf was doing it o if you didn't care for it, this would not be a big deal but since he's not it just seems EXTRA special to you.
I do agree with Londres... this is considered as emotionally cheating. Having prolonged thoughts about someone else and even CONSIDERING going there is cheating. In terms of the whole marriage thing, I think that's not a good situation. Most women are with a man in hopes of marrying them someday and when that person expresses a disdain for marriage, it turns sticky. If you truly want to be wed and this man is adamant that marriage with him is not possible, I would advice you to waste no more of your life...waiting!
All the best
Anna
Ditto Londres70
I couldn't say it better
I always say unpack your baggage first before you repack for another trip.LOL! If this guy is serious about you he will end the relationship with his girlfriend because clearly he is not happy. You will end your relationship because you are not happy either. It's ok. People change and in our mid 20's we really change a lot I think. You should have a relationship that you want and makes you the happiest girl ever-even if it's not the guy from work. It's not fair to any of the people involved not to love and be loved 100%. Everyone deserves to be happy-you included!
Sounds like a "Casanova" situation in my opinion; this co-worker is involved with someone already and you are aware of this too. This situation says ALOT about his character. Sounds like he is just wanting some fun. As for your situation, I think you are so drawn to this co-worker because you aren't getting your needs met on the homefront.
BTW: You are emotionally cheating. Plus, I would definitely recommend NOT mixing "business with pleasure" meaning it is never a good idea to get involved with co-workers in that manner.
Sounds like the current relationship you are in isn't offering you much plus your talks are not moving the situation in any positive direction or in your favor. To add, you are fantasizing about a co-worker...........this is a "mix" for disaster. If you need to end the relationship, do so, but keep in mind there is nothing to "run to" as this co-worker is involved with someone. You are basically pining for someone who is NOT available.
thanks Miss_Direct for the input!
I have talked with my b/f about marriage and feel its a dead end. I know his answer but I am going to tell him all these doubts I have and see what happens from there.
I would never physically cheat on him.
This Casanova has a gf am I right? Sounds like he's bored too or maybe after some fun so just be cautious! Looks like u need to talk to ur bf as it sounds like a dead end relationship. Don't cheat on ur bf as it wiLl complicate things and you obviously want marriage in your life so rather than emotionally destroying yourself speak to ur current bf. Good luck.