Is it OK to not want to hang out with your extended family members?

[Annie123374]

I am not close with my family, extended or otherwise. I find them to have different worldview and that's OK but I just don't enjoy hanging out with them, which is quite easy because I live and work overseas.

However, few years ago my uncle's granddaughter came to the same country to study and she just recently started working here. My uncle keeps saying I should contact her but I just don't feel like it, I feel like they want me to take care of her and show her the rope, which I'd be willing to do if she reached out to me, but she doesn't so clearly she's doing well on her own.

I just have this gut feeling that whenever they want to see me, it's not because they want to catch up but because they want to show off, but of course this is just my guess.

Now, my parents have this rivalry with their siblings where they always one-up each other passive-aggressively, and unwittingly passed down this behavior to me and my siblings. I just don't think families should do that. It was a personal mission not to repeat that with my own siblings and I make an effort to express my happiness and support whenever my siblings is successful at something or about to embark on a journey, something that we never learned to do growing up.

So back to my uncle's granddaughter, should I contact her? I feel like by not contacting her, it contradicts my mission of wanting to have a better family relationship. But on the other hand, I just don't trust my uncle's family. I have a gut feeling that they want to use me, that they have no interest in the relationship being a two-way street. I'm cool if her granddaughter wants to contact me but I really don't care if she doesn't and I won't go out of my way to contact her either. Am I being arrogant?

[specialmom]

My personal opinion is that showing a young woman some kindness in a country in which she doesn't know too many people would be the right thing to do.  It's not always about what YOU want but about how it impacts others.  I sincerely doubt she is going to glom onto you and want to hang out all the time but reaching out so that she feels like she has a relative around would be kind.

Is this close family too?  The hole you've left in other's lives who say things like "he's not interested", "he doesn't want a relationship", etc. is impactful.  And sad for them.  They'll get over it but it is sad to not feel connected in any way to these people because of different world views.  That's again, just my opinion.  

You don't have to do lots of things with people or be super close to stay loosely connected and appreciate them.  :>)

Again, just my opinion.

[Annie123374]

Thank you for sharing your opinion. I have some reservations about contacting my cousin because I just feel like I'm doing something that is not...me, and I don't think I'm fooling anyone. When I came here, I was also alone and scared but I preferred it. If someone from my family had reached out, it would have put too much burden for me not to mess up. I'm the kind of person who likes to be left alone as I find my way, and I don't really like unsolicited advice because then I'd feel like I have to use it even though it may not suit me. And I feel the same way about this whole cousin situation. When she was studying, she never once reached out to me so I don't think she needs my help at all. It's mostly my uncle whom I think is overreacting a bit.

[specialmom]

To me, it' s just being polite to give a call and say if you ever need anything, let me know.  If you want to have coffee or something, let me know.  This won't kill you and your resistance is sort of, kind of . .. in the selfish range.  And you are SO resistant that it makes me wonder about why you have such a wall up.  I mean, having a coffee, lunch or making a phone call is not helping someone to not make it on their own.  It's just my opinion but I think it would be great if you grew as a person to find a more generous self that doesn't make everything about you and how you feel so that you can do a few selfless things in life that make our character stronger.  That's not a criticism.  You are entitled to do as you please.  But this is my take on it. good luck

[Annie123374]

It might just kill me to contact her, depending on how things go. You wanna know why I'm so walled-up? I'm gay and it's a self-preservation thing. My family is a conservative, church-goer family who frown upon anything outside the 'straight and narrow' and my 'lifestyle' would definitely cause a stir. So it really hurts when you brand me a selfish person who makes everything all about me when all I'm trying to do is just to save myself (and my parents) from some heartache. That said, I do recognize the value of having someone welcoming you / having your back, that is why I feel so conflicted because I want to reach out to her but I don't want to open up the floodgate which could lead to me being 'found out'. I could live with it but my parents couldn't. FYI, I decided to say hello to her even before I read your reply, I figured it was a nice thing to do.

[specialmom]

I'm sorry you took my post in such a way.  I wasn't calling you selfish but that felt selfish like.  I get that I was trying to soften something that is hard to hear.  But then, I don't know the full story.  You've shared more here and it makes more sense.  Remember that we are outside the situation with only a quick glimpse that you provide so we can't always know exactly the true situation.
I'm sorry you have felt on the outside because of your sexual preferences and that stinks.  Truly.  I have to wonder if your family wouldn't be more accepting if they knew it was YOU.  Because they love you.  And this could teach them and help them grow. But understand that is hard.
And I'm wondering if you could see this girl without conveying who you date.  :>)  Coffee and talk about HER.  She's young and in college.  She probably, really in truth, does not care too much about what you do.  She will most likely not ask questions or even want that much contact.  such is the nature of that age.  It's just nice to know there is someone you can call when your car explodes or you get arrested.  :>)  So, I again apologize for making comments you took offense to as I didn't mean the that way.  I just didn't understand the cocoon you have placed yourself in isolating yourself from family.  You made it more clear now and I understand better.  I do hope that someday your family will get to know the real you.  hugs

[Annie123374]

Thanks, specialmom. If things are the way they are, I have no plan to ever come out to my parents. I've come out to my sister who has been great at keeping this a secret (even though sometimes I feel guilty of dragging her into this double life). I think she knows that this will destroy my parents and I completely agree. I say this with love, but my parents and the attitude in my home country are still pretty much backwards. A cousin once got pregnant out of wedlock and the whole extended family got together to "fix" the problem by engaging a shaman who purportedly could induce miscarriage even though they consider themselves Christians. Such is what passes as 'a support' in my family. I could just see the whole extended family freaking out and doing the same **** and trying to 'fix' me. I don't need to deal with those, got enough problems as it is.

[specialmom]

It's unfortunate that your family is like this!  I guess I can see why you keep the peace and don't share this important side of your life with them.  That's probably really lonely.  I hope you have a wonderful life with someone special or many friends who support you.  But sorry your family can't be trusted to do this.  

I'm glad you did call the cousin---  she never has to be a part of your real life but it's nice to be there for someone just in case.  

Anyway, again---  so for not understanding the road you've traveled.  There is always more to the story, isn't there?  hugs

[UnsureMS]

Good Morning,

This is a subject that I can understand. I have lots of extended family that I truly barely ever talk to because they are very destructive. However, I do make it my mission to try to help the younger generation not end up like the older generations did. My aunts and uncles on both sides of my family dont keep in touch, and very rarely see each other. This is has lead to him as they get older realizing they need each other but not knowing how to mend the broken relationships.

That is why I text my cousins once and a while to see if they are ok, and I try to keep in touch with the younger members of the family in hopes that we will be there for each other when it matters most. Everyone needs someone and it is a sad thing when you have no family around when you get older. I would say reach out to her, and just see where it takes you. Who knows maybe you and her will get along.

I do believe your uncle is probably just wanting you to take care of her, but you do for the reason of just wanting to show her around. If she says no then she says no but at least you tried. Remember you can always break away if you start feeling used, or like the relationship is becoming destructive. I hope this helps.

Sincerely,
Kimberly