He says I make a big deal... And I shouldn't...

[YaGotMe]

Idk how to make this short but I will try to do my best...
Been with same guy forever 10+ yrs... Always lied to over dumb stuff (example... he would say he's tired go home then "sneak" out)... I'd catch him (his friends would tell me... And there the cycle started... Kid stuff he was a big drunk and before I knew it things just became normal...
There was alot I questioned but his loyalty to his relationship I foolishly didn't question... Stupid drunk kid lies are not a big deal but some stuff I couldn't tolerate...
Fast fwd yrs later we get married... Then all of a sudden I find him talking to a longtime friend I mine.... She's really old... Really disgusting but apparently was just as disgusting on the inside...
So I find out they were textin and talking about random stuff nothing major but there was some discussion about our marriage and some lines crossed... He said she was a friend and just made him feel appreciated (foolishly I was ok with him helping her and her old mother with random things around the house)
So devastated for what was an emotional affair (or so my counselor called it) I didn't sleep eat had him leave...
Months goes by of arguing and him begging to be back he was "stupid but never wanted her" and basically said that the stupid convos were pointless to even have (cursed her out because her intentions were not in the right place)
He comes back and counseling starts.. I tell him I'm gonna polygraph him because now I don't believe anything he has ever said to me..
After realizing I wasn't threatening and was def gonna do... He decides to come clean about "everything"... Countless disrespectful things mostly in the very begin of relationship... 2 times he bs girls who hit on him and couldn't just say "not interested I'm married"... And then the whole scene I just explained happened...
He lied to me for yrs... I had to face this person who I thought was one way with me... Was the total opposite... I went from trusting to absolutely no trust... Felt sh*t on... Disregarded... Worthless and alone...
He supposedly didnt sleep with anyone and supposedly told me everything...
I don't believe it... Years later I cry all the time.. He hasn't earned or even tried (he swears he's done everything) to deserve forgiveness...
Now fast fwd years... I don't believe a word he says... He wants to go to counseling but I won't go until I know everything... The rug has been pulled out from under me over and over again... For years I have been told "now you know everything" "there is nothing left to hide"...
Then yest he was sent a pic from an old friend (was innocent but someone involved in one of the lies was in pic)... I've seen the pic 100000x what did he do? Erased it... Because he "didn't want me to see it and be hurt"... Protecting me? Don't think so.. I feel you can't hide, delete or lie about ANYTHING if you want trust "so bad"...
Now I'm told I'm crazy and need help...
Don't I deserve the truth?!? Shouldn't I trust my gut? I have given my all for so long and got crapped on... I trust my gut because it screams at me 24/7... What he admitted to still doesn't make sense...
Please help... I've been on other forums and hey were mean and/or no one helped...

[TTinKKerBBell]

"Been with the Guy 10+  years"
"Always lied over dumb stuff"
"He was a Big Drunk"
"He Lied to me for Years"
"I went from Trusting to Absoulutely No Trust"
"Felt sh*t upon"
"Felt Disregarded, Worthless, and So alone"
"Years later, I cry all the time"
"The rug has been pulled out from Me over, and over again"

These Are Your Quotes From Your First Post.

and Yes, Yes, I would say:  Time to Move On!!
LOVE is Good, LOVE is Kind - LOVE is NOT PainFul, Love does NOT hurt!!  This I know is true!!

[Nighthawk61]

I can't tell from your post whether you've been cheated on or not, honestly, but there doesn't seem to be alot of love happening here. It's not supposed to be so confusing. If I were you I would take my toys, and depart to sunnier places to be. I left my first husband, and met the man of my dreams. You can too. It's very possible. Have faith and carry on. It is "too much work". Good luck and God Bless.

[YaGotMe]

It sure is!!! Not worth it at this point. He cried wolf too many times! Thank you for all your help!

[Lonlygrl]

Good for you girl you shouldn't! And if he's not going to be honest just clear it from your mind.. I had to do the same when my ex told me he cheated on me a bunch of times but everytime I would ask for details he would tell me "don't worry about it" and now I'm sick of it. He's been trying to talk to me all day but I told him I don't even want to speak to him because he's apparently "just friends" with that girl and they're "cool" now and have no "beef" and no desire to hook up but that's not good enough for me he's going to have to cut her out of his life if he ever wants to just speak to me ever again. But anyways good for you girl you did what was right and now you need to keep control of what you want in your life and keep stepping up and don't settle for less!

[TTinKKerBBell]

This relationship sounds like too much work!

True, Real, Reciprocated Love is easy.  This I know is true

[YaGotMe]

Your def right and unfortunately I've done all of what you suggested... Asked for the truth cried begged told him he won't get anything until he's honest... He's sticking to his story... Some I really believe because it pans out... Some just doesn't make sense and until it does I won't settle for less then what I deserve... I don't get it.. At some points these poor decisions were all they wanted... So at least be a man and stand for what you did.. Don't hide it.. I tell him all the time he's gonna die a liar and nothing more... As of now we aren't speaking.. He tries but I have nothing to say.. Unless he finds the balls to be honest I don't have the energy, drive or desire to speak to him...
He's just trying to wait this out like I'm gonna go back to normal... NOT GONNA HAPPEN... I'm over it...

[Lonlygrl]

I sweaaaaaar that was exactly situation.. I think you should sit him down and tell him straight up to shut up and just to come clean and that if he doesn't you will leave (just so he has a motive to come clean but you should still leave either way) if he tries to steer the convo tell him to stop talking and to answer your question. He will have no choice but to answer. If he steers the convo again just walk away (literally get up from your seat and walk into another room or leave the house to show him you're not going to take this BS anymore) then come back and tell him you know what you've been dishonest you cheated you changed my life I gave you the benefit of the doubt but honestly I'm done. I know it's easier said than done but trust me the hardest part is taking that step and it gets easier from there.. You'll feel in total control and you'll get your confidence back because you're stepping up for what you believe in and not taking this anymore. You don't have to do this exactly but seeing the similarities between our situations this worked for me

[YaGotMe]

Funny that makes total sense because when I'm done crying and explaining why he shouldn't act the way he does, why I shouldn't still feel this way, why I do, how all this makes me feel, how sad I am, how what he did changed me and my life... He somehow leads the convo to him or why he feels it should just go away or how I should just try to get along or how I shouldn't leave or the best is "we had problems before all this you act like it was all me"....
I can't just go and stay somewhere else... Leaving is leaving for good... No turning back... End of story....
Just wish he would totally come clean... I'd consider counseling if I knew everything and I COULD make a decision if I knew the full extent of everything...
I truly believe if he told me he slept with someone or cheated with his ex i would be in a better place... Yes it would hurt but then the stories would fully make sense and I could make a final decision...
Everything now is just in limbo... I'm stuck... It's not fair...

[Lonlygrl]

This is actually really common with guys who do these things. They are completely insecure that they only way to keep the control within the relationship is to blame things on YOU. This is exactly what my problem is.. For example when my boyfriend cheated on me he told me it was because "oh we WERNT together oh you fought with me oh you never have my back" I opened my eyes and realized it was allllll ******** they're just ways to make YOU feel guilty because they don't want to own up to what they've done. When I broke up with him yesterday and repeated over and over and over and over that I didn't want to be with him THAT'S when he admitted to bullshitting all those times he's blamed ME for his actions. And now everything is 100% clear. You are not a monster.. I know exactly how you feel he used to blame me for my pregnancy and abortion to the point where the only thing I knew how to feel was to feel like **** and try to suppress these feelings as hard as I could. I've learned that you need to get back up.. And that's what you need to do.. You could of been together for 10 years 20 years 30 years it does NOT mean you have to stick with him if you're not happy and not getting treated the way you should. He's clearly trying to give you an image that everything is your fault and he's always right so that you feel ****** enough to stay with him. It's a very common tactic for insecure guys to do this.. Enough is enough though and I hope this has helped you in any way.. Good luck girly you shouldn't wait a single second to step up

[YaGotMe]

Good for you for finally standing your ground and getting rid of that cheater...Just brave yourself for his pathetic plee... it always sounds good but never pans out...
That's what all this boils down too... I don't want to live like this anymore.. I love in constant fear that something else is going to come to the light...
I am constantly playing detective and although most of the time I don't find anything at all... I have changed ALOT myself and just am not the confident secure woman I used to be.
He is not refusing counseling he is the one that wants me to go with him. Because he feels he is "right" about certain things or my depressive/constantly speculating behavior and I feel that regardless of how I feel or act its ok because he surely created this monster... Yes a monster I have become.. I am nasty, mean and just don't trust anything anymore.
Truth is the things he did although completely wrong and innapropriate... I guess I'm lucky he didn't screw someone but whose to say he didn't? He does of coarse... And he was very forthcoming with alot that I would have NEVER found out on my own.. But idk I just don't believe that's all...
Going to see your ex girlfriend?!? Yes it was YEARS ago... But I don't care because while he was "seeing how she was doing" and "we were fighting and I just thought about going to see her" I was home.. Like a respectful girlfriend.. I could have done the same things but I made a choice to not make poor decisions...
He says just because he went there doesn't mean he wanted to sleep with her she had a bf and he was with me... Sorry...
The day I went to my ex's it wasn't to see how he was doing... I went to sleep with him... Mission accomplished! (We were not together and the time)
He absolutely has grown to ignore my threats... I taught him this :0( I just can't win...
He has gone to many counselors on his own to help him be a better person and they all told him "you did this as a dumb stupid kid that doesn't make you a liar"...
One counselor we went to told him "until you feel how you made her feel you won't be able to repair this"...
That alone is so true and baffles me why he would still run his mouth and tell me "what do you want me to do you won't believe anything I say so now what"...
I just wanted what I thought I had... I didn't disrespect my relationship or marriage... Idk how to "fix" this...
I also agree that I should have ran long ago... I just gave benefit of doubt yeah he lied and snuck out but not to like girls houses or nasty stuff (not making excuses but hell considering what I've seen friends go through I thought I was lucky)
I have ZERO tolerance for cheating... We dated for a couple months... Then broke up for 2 months then got back together in the begin... That's when he kissed a girl...
I just feel like hell if you did it once it prob happened again and not to mention its not like he is mr honest since then! Clearly lies continued...
Uhhhhh I just can't live like this anymore... You would think he'd kiss my a** and try to get me to fall in love but nope... He says "we been fighting for two years over sh*t that happened forever ago enough already your making it continue on"...

[Londres70]

"Now I'm told I'm crazy and need help... "........Is he kidding?  What nerve.  Sounds like the "my woman is crazy" trick so that you are busy focused on what you are supposely doing wrong and not him.  He is definitely trying to manipulate the situation in HIS favor.  

As far as I am concerned, if he can lie about "little" things, then he can EASILY lie about big things.  Why lie about stupid little things when it isn't necessary?

You say you've been with him for 10+ years......Pfff, well......DON'T give him 10+ more seconds let alone 10+ more years of your life.  

I think YOUR GUT is so right.  

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome to the forum.  Well, you've been with him a long time and he's been this way right from the start.  You did have some knowledge that he isn't on the up and up when he ends his date wtih you and then goes back out to party and then lies about it.  Big big read flag.  

I'm a little confused though by something.  IS HE saying you don't know everything yet or are you?  Because how could you be crazy being suspicious when he's told you that there is more you don't know about?  Or if he is acting weird about a picture.

Honestly, he's now refusing counseling and to really work on this with you.  He's grown tired perhaps of your talking tough but not following through and putting him on the curb for being a creep.  So now he doesn't really fear that.  I'm afraid he doesn't sound interested in making any changes or working on this as proven by his starting to call you names like crazy,

I would go to the counselor on your own and start there.  Sorry he's been such a creep.  You deserve better.

[Lonlygrl]

Listen to your gut. This guy seems like he's wasting your time. I go through the same thing.. I have a bf and he's cheated on me a bunch of times with a girl that he works with and apparently just his friend and someone whos obsessed with him ANDI have to see almost all the time because she works at his gym..Everytime I get sketched out when she's overly obsessive with him or writing him letters constantly I ask him if he hooked up with her again and he tells me no.. Then months later he tells me yes even tho I knew it and felt it all along. I almost a kid with him too so I constantly forgave and forgot just to try and work things out because of what we've been through. But I can't take this anymore this degrading embarrassment this torture so I actually broke up with him today. If you're miserable with this guy and you feel like **** and have countless sleepless nights like I did then you really need to think about changing your life around and strive for what you really want and fight to get it. If you want someone who is loyal and honest then it is NEVER too late to dump this guy and go after what you want. I know it's easier said than done but it took me a lot of courage to do what I did today after being his "slave" for a while. I just thought about how I just want to be happy and stop being in a relationship that's making me miserable and degraded everyday. Girl, you have a voice.. Use it (not physically but metaphorically too) go after what you deserve!