Did I make the wrong choice calling it quits with my gf?

[Alloutalove]

Hi all,

I need advice. I dated my now ex for about a year and a half. She moved in with me about 3 months in to our relationship. I love her with all my heart but we had our differences. She is 24 and I am 30. She still likes to have fun while I'm all business. Well we almost lost our relationship awhile back...we worked on things but got right back to where we were...same routine...almost like roommates. She said I never showed affection or intimacy. Well, yesterday she again told me she wanted to move out but work on things. She said she wanted to move out before but she didn't...this time she actually did...she took everything and left. 24 hours later...I told her its over. Now she's upset with me because I have given up. I understand we lost our intimacy and zest in our relationship. I understand I didn't show her the attention she needed...we said we would go to counseling but we never did...the point is she left...and I don't know how to get over that. I feel abandoned. Those close to me have told me how nice she is etc but that we're not on the same level...that we have too many differences. Our families are completely different. Hers is nothing like mine. My family would do anything for each other....hers just isn't that way...it's hard to explain. I'm told I'm a fool if I take her back...so what do I do!?

[Londres70]

The statement from Nursegirl......"If you feel in your gut she had something to do with the robbery, or she may have cheated on you, then maybe she did...then end it.  I think you should anyway, because you obviously cannot trust her....so I can't imagine what there would be to build on." ......This pretty much SUMS everything up.  

Just end this and quit wondering this and that.   This is turning too dramatic.  If you can't believe what she says over other people it is over with anyways.

Like I stated in my earlier post stay broke up and assume move on from this. Plus, I think the relationship progressed to quickly as well, i.e. moving in together 3 months into the relationship is not ideal.  

I don't know what this is, but it sure isn't any relationship, well.....it's NOTHING I would want.  


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[nursegirl6572]

Be honest with me...is it fair to accuse her or someone in her family for doing this?

How did we get back HERE again?  You said there WAS forced entry, and her laptop was concealed.

WHY in the world would she stage a robbery?  If she was mad, why not just do something else, prank call you, slash your tires???  A robbery?  Makes ZERO sense to me whatsoever.  I've NEVER heard of someone fighting where one gets someone to rob the house they share.  You know what kind of troubke she would be in for something as big as that?  HUGE.  Would she risk jail time?

If you have no solid proof she did it, you have NO business accusing her.

Same with this guy at work...you are letting all kinds of people fill your head (again) with all kinds of nonsense...from robbery to cheating...if your GF is on the up and up, she doesn't have a chance, because you're more interested in other people's opinions/thoughts/construction of events than you are anything about her.

If you feel in your gut she had something to do with the robbery, or she may have cheated on you, then maybe she did...then end it.  I think you should anyway, because you obviously cannot trust her....so I can't imagine what there would be to build on.

[Alloutalove]

Ok folks,

I really need some good input here! I have to make a choice...

A little more history about our relationship...we were great for the first 10 months of our relationship. About 4 months ago I hear rumors she was talking to a guy from her work and spending a lot of time with him...of course she said that they were just friends, that yeah maybe she had a little crush on him, but they were just friends...she refuses to believe that guys do not want to be friends with girls...i know there are some of you who will say I'm wrong - but ask 98% of men and they will say the same. I let that go and tried moving forward...now - I'm hearing that maybe she hung out with this guy again a few times at night at the bars without telling me...Of course she denies it all and swears on her family that she has not hung out with this guy...who knows! So, of course everyone and their mother thinks that she was behind my house getting robbed - I see both sides...we are fighting pretty bad right now...my question -

Do you think she is confused because she has this other guy or another guy in her life as well and she doesn't want to let me go? Or is she really confused about our relationship? Everytime I say I want to move on she gets pissed off...we've argued a bit over the last few days and she's been real ugly...a side of her I've never seen...then she apologizes...

Be honest with me...is it fair to accuse her or someone in her family for doing this? Seems like something only someone who really knows how my house was setup could pull this off...and to know when exactly I would be gone...

Lastly, is it even worth it anymore? Should I even bother...or just move on?

[nursegirl6572]

You're getting way ahead of yourself, with imaginary circumstances here.  Again, back to communication.  These are things YOU need to communicate to her.  You need to tell her what your concerns are.

[Alloutalove]

Yeah. I love her with all my heart. I'd be lying to myself if I didn't admit that the biggest thing pulling me apart from her is her family. I hate to sound pompous but I come from a very close always in each others business but always there for each other Italian family. She comes from a broken home. Siblings are in each others lives to a point but never really involved, mom does nothing to help her kids since they turned 18...almost competes with them, sister has a drug problem...my family treats my girl like she is one of theirs...her own mom doesn't treat her that way...as much as I love her I hate imagining having to be a part of that for the rest of my life. My girl is the most generous person in her family...what if one of her family members falls on hard times and gives them money or moves them into our home? No chance I'll agree to that and I know it will affect our relationship

[nursegirl6572]

CLEAR case of lack of communication....you both are making a bunch of assumptions instead of just coming out and saying what you think/feel.  She stopped caring, you stopped trying, but maybe she didn't tell you, playing that silent martyr game, hoping you'd change.  Then, YOU think you're making efforts, they go unnoticed, but instead of talking it out, you just feel hurt.

COMMUNICATION.  Without it, no relationship has a chance.  Yours needs a lot of work in that department.

[Alloutalove]

She came over and we talked...her tv and briefcase were in the kitchen up against the wall with some boxes...I don't know if they missed it or what but her tv was taken. It was forced entry. They broke in through the back. I don't think her or anyone she knows would be that bad of a person to rob me...but she did come to the house when the cops showed up...so who knows. She is not moving back in...she said she would originally because she couldn't take seeing me this miserable anymore...but we both agreed to do one session of counseling first and go from there...get someone elses perspective. The biggest thing that worries me is that she admitted that she stopped caring. I'm not gonna lie...I put a lot of things before her...not intentionally but now I see it. She said I should have never let her leave...that I should have stopped her...I don't know why I didn't...I think I was hurt because I was finally making efforts, at least I thought, and they were going unnoticed...so I was mad and like whatever...I left the house...I guess I didn't think she'd follow through with it...my mistake I guess

[nursegirl6572]

It sounds like both of you have admitted problems in the relationship, yet neither of you ever followed through with anything to work on it, including therapy.  Relationships take work.  Relationships in trouble take even more work.  Sounds like BOTH of you are quick to point the finger at the other and BOTH of you refuse to do anything about the issues.

I see her leaving as her FINALLY doing something about the issues...she threatened for a long time, now she followed through.  She made it clear she wanted to work on things, did you agree to that?  Seems like her leaving shouldn't have been a big surprise, other than the fact that she had not followed through with her threats before...this time, she did.  YOUR answer, and probably knee-jerk reaction, out of hurt feelings, was to break up with her.  If you want to break up with her because you're JUST not compatible, that's one thing, but don't break up with her because she moved out.  That's just retaliatory, IMO.

Also, NEVER let other people influence your decision about a relationship.  That's not appropriate.  You're going to hear all kinds of assinine reasons of why you should and shouldn't stay with her.  This is YOUR decision and YOUR issue.  Don't involve other people in that.

As for the robbery, I'm VERY confused as to WHY in the world you would even THINK she had something to do with it?  Is there more to the story?  WHY would she do that?  That sounds awfully extreme, and if you're wrong...you accusing her was NOT a good thing.  I just don't get why you would even suspect her.  I mean, if she was angry, why wouldn't she slash your tires or something (not that I would agree with that)..but a robbery?

I don't know if this is fixable or not, all I know is if you WANT to try, then you BOTH have to really try, not just say what you're "going to do" and never do it.

Good luck!

[Nighthawk61]

I'm sorry about the robbery, it's very strange that your gf's briefcase and laptop were left. Where was her briefcase that it got missed.

You girl left you and wanted you to work on the relationship, but you refused. What were your reasons for saying NO, because she left you high a dry right? She can do that again, if you two don't get some help with your relationship.

She wanted to leave so bad, why does she want to come back right away before you've gotten the counseling?

I bet you are confused. If now that you've thought about it a bit, you might want to get some counseling, go for it, but I would do it from a distance. It was easy enough for you to call it quits, maybe that's because that's what would be best. Figure this out with the perspective of a little bit of distance between you, I would think.

[Londres70]

Robbed?  Well, thank goodness nothing terrible happened to you.  Things can be replaced.  Was this a forced entry?  Suspicious in my opinion.  

Well....I wouldn't call you a fool for taking this gf back; it wouldn't be the prudent thing to do though at this time.  She is acting fickle about the relationship meaning first she needs some time away from the relationship, moves out, then wants to come back, etc.  I am not sure if this some kind of game she likes to play or what......sounds like a game OR things have moved too quickly for her and she is freaked out OR you two aren't compatible.  

Stay broke up and assume move on from this. Plus, I think the relationship progressed to quickly as well, i.e. moving in together 3 months into the relationship is not ideal.  

[Alloutalove]

Here's a twist to the story. So yesterday I come home at 2 pm to find my back door open. I was robbed of everything. They took her tv too. But they didn't take her briefcase which had a laptop...but they took my briefcase which had nothing in it among many other things...she still had a few things to pick up. Now of course I'm questioning her or someone she knows for doing this. I don't think she would but I think it's natural for me to ask. Of course she was defensive about it. Said no way. Now...she says she wants to move back in. A few of my close friends tell me I'd be an idiot to get back with her because ill only get burned even harder in the end...of course they all think she might of had something to do with this...it was hard enough but now I'm beyond confused. I really don't think she would do anything like that but I mean where do I go from here???

[Life360_Dave]

I think you should analize your true feelings for her. In the begining of your post you say, she says YOU lost your intimacy and half way down you say WE  lost OUR intimacy. To me there is a sense of blame in this contradiction. I think your decision to leave is the right one, as dont believe you have her feelings in heart. As far as others saying your a fool, their not the ones who have to live with her so i wont not pay much mind to them.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I don't think You're a fool!!  but it does sound like maybe You're not compatabile.  That isn't a bad thing.  It doesn't mean You are wrong, it doesn't mean that She is - just that You are Both different.  I see nothing wrong in trying again if that's what Both of You want but You should pursue the counseling that You talked about before.  You probably moved in Together too soon into Your relationship, so this time (since She has already moved out), do the counseling together first and decide if You still want to be Together BEFORE You live together again.  Seems like a good idea to me.
Good Luck

[Alloutalove]

Anyone? Somebody please comment.

Thanks.