I don't know what to do!?

[Liv18]

I want help here, not any stupid stuff criticizing me.
I have been with my boyfriend since I was 15 years old, I am 18 now and he is 19. When we first met I thought he was really cool and funny. i just wanted him to be all mine! About 3 months of talking in art class together, he asked me out and I said yes. After that we went on christmas break and we talked on the phone a couple times for about 5 hours each time and I really really started to like him. We started to get closer as time went on and he was being even sweeter and sweeter to me. We got closer every time we hung out. I always thought this was too good to be true because everything he did was perfect and he made me feel so safe and happy! I had an extremely rough child hood so I had never been that happy before, and the feeling was overwhelming at first. We started to say I love you to eachother and I was so happy everythime I said it and I was afriad that the feeling wasnt real because i had never been in love before and neither had he. I sometimes tried to distance myself from him because I didnt want to get hurt. After aabout three months I became confused and thought that I loved my best friend more than a friend. I told my bf this and he comforted me and said that we would get through this. And then my bf asked me if i loved him and I told him i didnt know. I felt so horrible for saying that and it didnt feel right. I wanted to make sure I knew for sure that I loved him the next time I said it. So i would tell myself that i didnt love him to see how it felt and it felt terrible, then i would tell myself that i did love him to see how that felt. I did this so much that it drove me insane and i really didnt know the answer, I just didnt want to upset him by saying i just really didnt know because he loved me so much. I have been obsessing and worrying about this for 3 years now. I am so depresed and I have been losing sleep over this, not eating and have had panic attacks. I knew that i wanted to be with him forever and now i have no clue. I am afraid that if i stop trying to figure it out that i will come to the conclusion that i dont love him. He is the greates guy in the world and my sweet heart. I just don't know what to do.

[Liv18]

Thank you :) I wasn't trying to be mean. I have struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life. We really have no big problems in our relationship other than the normal ones all relationships have. I also think that I may be bipolar. I have been told by a doctor a while ago. I love everything about him. I have tried to step back from the situation but I always want him in the end. You are right I do need to pay a visit to the doctor. I am not only ruining my relationship with him but with other loved ones as well

[specialmom]

Liv, I just reread your post and I think I read a sentence wrong.  I apologize.  No, it doesn't look like you use it to play games with him now that I've re read it and you do seem in distress over it.  I did guess that it is his first relationship too.  

Do you think you have some anxiety?  This is something that would make your thoughts racing, make you worry unnecessarily.  Believe it or not, obsessive compulsive disorder can do the same thing.  I ask this of you because it that is some of what is behind this, it would improve if you treated that.  If you aren't sure, I'd talk to your parents about seeing someone about it.  Your family physician is a place to start.  

The nature of asking for advice on line is that you are right, those who post to you do not know you.  There is no ill intent.  There is no trying to make you feel bad or hurt you.  It is just pure advice based on what you have written.  

Back to your relationship, believe it or not, sometimes backing away from a situation helps us see it more clearly.  I realize you are not ready to do that but you need to take some kind of action to help your situation.  I'd start with your doctor to rule out any medical issue that is causing you to be so worried about this (anxiety, ocd), then if taking a break from him and dating isn't a possibility, then I'd find someone to talk to other than him about it.  It is sad when a perfectly good relationship ends over our own hang ups.  So address your hang ups.  Also, make a list of what you like/love about him.  Make a list of what you don't.  Compare them.  Pick the bigger and more important list------- throw the other one away and read the one you want to go with every day.  

good luck

[Liv18]

Okay specialmom I don't use that to play games with him. You don't know me at all.this is his first relationship too.  Thanks for your help I guess.

[specialmom]

Well,  couple of things.  I think you should talk to your parents about seeing a doctor because I think you may have some anxiety.  You are having the racing thought pattern that is indicative of that (of course just from you've written here--------- but seeing a doctor would rule out if it is indeed anxiety and tackling our problems is so much easier when we have things like that treated).  

Second, I think you aren't ready to be in love.  Your situation kind of tells me that your emotional maturity level just isn't there yet to handle this kind of relationship.  That is not a zinger to you but honest feedback.  You will eventually be in a better position to understand the feelings you have.  And you use them to play games with your boyfriend which is cruel.  You tell him that you don't love him for a reaction at times as you say above and that is not the right thing to do.  

I know this won't happen---------- but your best bet is to break it off and don't date anyone for a bit.  Have fun as an 18 year old.  Focus on school and your next steps in life.  Develop who you are as a person.  Mature a bit.  And THEN revisit romantic relationships.  And then I'd date a few people casually before expecting it to turn into love and when it does --------- you'll legitimately recognize it.  

good luck

[teko]

Rarely, is a first love at the age of 15 years old ever lasted till death do us part. You can not figure it out because you have not had enough experience to know for sure if this is the one or not. You need to date others and by doing that is the only thing you will have to know if he is the one or not. Coupled with the fact that you are not sure after three years, tells me that as great and awesome as this guy might be, he is not your one and only. We can love many people in our lifetime, that does not make them our soul mate for life. Dating is that part of life that allows us to meet a variety of people to choose from. How would you ever know if he is the one if you have not done this?

[cheshchesh819]

you need to do exactly what you say you dont want to do,stop trying to figure it out you cant make yourself love or hate anyone it is just a natural instinct we have inside us,just try to be yourself and let your feelings express themselves,this way you should be able to sort this out,maybe you should have some time apart to see if this helps you realise what it is you are truly feeling