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Avatar universal

How to move on, let go of past relationship

Hi, its been 3 years since I been on here, my last relationship 3 years ago was my last relationship, I still miss n love him..long story short I talked with a therapist lady says I dealing with trauma Bond and have a bit of codependency..I'm still struggling to move on n letting go guess idk how? Through out the last 3 years I have contacted ex on occasions and believe he the one, my soulmate, but I have to let go n move on n idk how :( my heart hurts...I have tried going on dates but there's zero connection with anyone else and I always tend to compare them with my ex. If anyone has any thoughts or a better way to move on I would really appreciate it...lately I been working a lot and dealing with my health since my hysterectomy two years ago I got diagnosed with fibro and my Endo is back so any tips or anything feel free to comment thank you in advance.
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Avatar universal
I didnt get over my ex for 3 years either, i even had boyfriends and still wasnt over my ex. All it takes is time, focus on your own happiness and being happy on your own, if he is meant to be in your life he will find a way back and if not, you will find the right one at the right time. Most importantly, dont look for someone to come, when you realise you are happy and in control on your own, you will be the happiest and most confident you ever have been. Try looking into the law of attraction, properly study it, this honestly helped me and i really became the happiest person ever on my own.
Helpful - 1
I do agree about the gift of time.  We can move on. Even if we have melancholy thoughts about someone that linger, we can move on and have a great life.  I'm looking more into the 'law of attraction'. Interesting when I read about it.  How do you use it in your life?
973741 tn?1342342773
What does your therapist say about letting go? Do they have any suggestions for you. We can definitely 'get stuck' and then it becomes how to take actionable steps to get unstuck. What does your therapist recommend you do?  Moving on to other relationships can be a step that often happens too soon when we aren't fully over someone.  Even though it has been a long time, it still sounds like you aren't ready to have new romance just yet.  I found that after a break up, it helped to make goals for myself. To think about how I wanted life to be, who I personally wanted to be in order to be my best self, etc  That put me in a better frame of mind.  It helped me be 'ready' for the next person.  You mention trauma in that relationship and codependency. These are things to really dig in with your therapist about.  You don't want to repeat any negative patterns. And it can give you insight on moving forward. hugs
Helpful - 0
Thank you
207091 tn?1337709493
Are you remembering your ex honestly? Are you remembering him with all his flaws? All the times he hurt your feelings, or made you really mad? If the relationship was that wonderful, why aren't you still together?

The trauma bonding - are you working on healing the trauma?

I think sometimes it's really easy to fall into thinking, "He must be the one for me because he accepted me knowing about my health issues, or even though I did x, y, or z, or (fill in the blank appropriately)", when we think no one else will. Or we think back and romanticize it all, like "he took great care of me, he took the trash out, he got my oil changed in my car, mowed the yard", even if at the same time, he was emotionally abusive or something. Realistically, you can take your own trash out, go to an oil change place, and mow your own yard or pay a neighbor kid to do it, right?

Paxiled's right - stick with the therapy. Even if this guy was great, you can still find other, equally great men, but work on healing first. :)

Helpful - 0
Thank you
Avatar universal
I think the above is right, but I also think that all relationships including friendships are based on a lot of fantasy.  When we hit it off with someone we can't really say why exactly, and a large part of having a relationship is idealization of the other person or none of us would ever have one.  I mean, we're all full of flaws, so it does take some idealization to move beyond that.  I think some of us just have a harder time letting go than others because we bond more strongly, but we don't do that with everyone we meet, only with some people.  In hindsight, everyone looks less wonderful, just as the longer we're with someone the more flaws we notice as they get repeated.  I had the same problem when I was young, I bonded much more tightly than my partners did.  I got really hurt, they didn't.  But then there's also the problem of unequal relationships that seem equal because the person we're with isn't leveling with us.  Or we're not leveling with ourselves.  Or we're fooling ourselves because we want what we want.  Usually, time takes care of this.  When time doesn't take care of it, that's when you do what you have done, which is seeing a therapist and working on the insecurity you have that keeps you bound to someone who clearly wasn't bound to you in the same way you were bound.  It happens, a lot.  The only advice I can give based on my mistakes is, learn to move on, whatever it takes to do that.  Hanging on to someone who has let you go and moved on just hurts.  It's very unlikely any of us has only one soulmate in this world full of people.  Annie is right, we do in part make that part up.  The way one moves on is to just do it.  Find things to do you like to do and meet other people and eventually the memory fades and you find someone else.  Some of us take a long time to do that.  Some never do that.  Some find it easy.  It's just the difference in how important bonding is to us at a particular time.  I met my soulmate a lifetime ago and she moved on and I never really did, but I did do a lot of other things and did meet other people.  How do you move on?  You just do it.  Keep at it with that therapist, and this will pass. Peace.
Helpful - 0
Thank you so much I honestly don't know if I ever will I been trying
134578 tn?1716963197
That you haven't found anyone that seems attractive sounds like you not letting go of the picture you created in your mind of your ex, not the actual reality you had. Because if the love relationship that you look back on as so perfect had been real, it wouldn't have ended. It's possible to love an idealized picture that includes a lot of wishful thinking and revised memories, which doesn't do much for any new flesh-and-blood person with whom you might get together. If you're trying to let go of your ex in your mind, remember that a large part of what you're letting go of is not real, but is instead a fantasy memory you created.
Helpful - 0
Thank you so much it's just super hard
Thank you. I have met someone whom I click with who makes that effort. I still at times think of my ex but I'm moving on. Yall helped me so much. My boyfriend now tries the only thing I'm not sure of is when he stays the night he always wants to leave within minutes of waking up
Have you asked him why he does that? Have you asked him to stay?

Does he have a dog he needs to go let out or anything?

Have you stayed at his house? What happens then?
I'd ask him, too. Not in a challenging way, just because you are curious. Some guys don't like to spend the night after having sex, and some don't like to hang around in the morning, maybe it's just a personality quirk. But, if it's something with an easy fix, like, "I don't like the perfume smell in your room" or something else small that you would be glad to change if you knew, he should be able to tell you.
I asked he always says he has things to do which is like doing 1 load of dishes
Well, OK, that sounded pretty judgemental on your part. Are you still looking for an ideal guy? And you're annoyed with him for not being ideal? That will put sand in the ointment pretty fast. Nobody is ideal, you shouldn't expect it (or make it up in your mind the way you did with your ex).

Can you talk with your therapist and go over how you are in relationships once again? You might not be totally over the patterns that didn't work for you before.
Sorry about waiting to respond I been wondering why he jokes about Mr being on phone with my other bf which is weird
He jokes about you being on the phone with your other boyfriend? I used to joke with my husband, when he would think we had done something or agreed to something (but we hadn't), "That must have been your other wife." We thought it was funny.  

Anyway, stick with your counselor if you can't figure out small questions in the relationship and it is bugging you -- see if the counselor thinks it's you needing to change your communications style with him or it's just nothing. managing your communications well or if it's no big deal. It's difficult for someone on the Internet to get an idea of what you are doing and trying to figure out, enough to give you a useful answer.
Thank you so much. Not sure why it bothered me he said he was joking but  I didn't find it funny. The Therapist sessions don't seem to be helping. It may take time to. Thank you all. I been dealing with health issues to. It's no fun with zero answers it's frustrating
When someone jokes and the other person doesn't find it funny, either there's some barb behind the joke, or the person hearing the joke is wound too tight. It might be that your new guy has realized he will never add up in your mind against your ex who you continue to unrealistically think was so wonderful. Maybe you've made it too clear, and still aren't over your ex, or maybe he's just a happy go lucky guy who jokes about things and you're being too huffy. It will take you some thinking and some work to decide what's going on. It sure seems like a small thing to get mad about. There's some sensitivity there, talk to your therapist about why you didn't find it funny and you might be able to unpack it.

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