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Ending an unconfirmed relationship
I have a male bestfriend who is about 20 yrs older than me. We've been sharing one office for 6 yrs and we've been going out , sharing food, taking care of each other if one of us got sick, help each other financially, psychologically and emotionally. . By the way, this guy is very attractive, though he's in his mid 50's he looked like he's in his 30's only and I am responsible for that coz i always make it a point that once he goes out he would looked good and young. We've once attempted to have sex, but he's having a hard time having an erection and since then we never attempted to do it again, and we just satisfy ourselves by being together everyday. I know he cares about me, and i can't control myself so i've verbally disclosed to him that I love him . He said, he doesn't want any committment or formalities because with his past relationships it all ended as a failure. He said he enjoyed the kind of relationship we have coz, it has no committment and i've agreed with that kind of set up.
Lately he had a lot of change, sometimes, i knew that he 's having dates with other women who can drink beers with him at night ( i don't drink, and i don't enjoy nighlife, it was him who introduced me what a nightlife is and we used to go out, he was drinking and while me taking juice and we can stay in a bar together for hours without getting bored before). He's into sales... those women whom he's dating with were mostly his colleagues in sales and i truly got jealous of it but at the same time felt secured coz I know he can't have any sexual relationship with them coz i know he has some issues with regard to his sexual functioning.I never confronted him about it coz what i know was i don't have the right to control him coz, we're just bestfriends and he never mentioned to me too that he's going out with other women. Once, he told me to try going out with other guys, experience being with other guys, coz he knew eventually i am going to leave him coz, of our age differences. I got mad, coz he was my world, and I felt safe if I am with him. I felt like he's giving me away... so what i did was, it tried to go out too with other guys,,, and yes, i was rght, they were only after sex and i don't like that.
So I''ve thought of letting go of what i feel about him,,,, and enjoy my life without a lover beside me but open myself for other admirers. Put a distance between us and just treated him purely as a friend..We continue to share the same office but i don't talk to him the way i used to be... i don't look at him... in short there were no connection between me and him.Later on... i started leaving him alone in the office... only see him once a week then eventually,,,, once every two weeeks and the last one is i didn't show up for 2 consecutive months.
Two days ago, i went to the office to pick up some of my stuffs,,, stayed there for about 20 miinutes,,, then left but he stopped me... he talked to me and told me that lately he's been seeing his children and he just wanna maintain a certain bond for his children at least once a week. He said he's getting old and he just wanna make sure that before he dies, things will get better for his children. His ex-wife, according to him , there';s no way that they will go back to each other arms again, he just wanna be freidnly to her, becasue it was her who has been taking care of his chldren for more than 10 years( the ex wife had a live in partner for 6 years but just died recently).
I didn't ask him, i just let him talk,..,.. and then he said... he treasured the 7 years that we were living together,,, and we can still continue with our friendship. then he hugged me... real tight for few minutes... his hands were travelling on my back and waist... and i 've sensed he was having a hard on... but i didn't respond... i just hugged him back and nothing more.. and he kept on saying... i know how much you care about me...and i thank you for that.
I told him, he was the last guy whom I have touched and i missed him so much... I've wanted to cry but no more tears coming out from my eyes.. In my heart, i truly conditioned that we're just friends...I don't want to initiate anymore...
coz i don't wanna get hurt again. When I left, i didn't left a message on when I am coming back... i just left it hanging... let him wait again for another month that was in my mind. Then I started crying when I was alone already, coz i knew I still care about him but i have to learned that he's not for me. and we can never be together again.
I just thank God, for having him as a friend coz he never took advantage of me, though many times a lot of people thought we're couples for real but we never cared about what would other people think about us... we just continue with
what we are...but those were during our first 5 years,,,, and it was only later that he became too conscious of our images infront of other people for reasons I am not totally convinced which is ,,, he doesn't want other people think that he is a womanizer, simply because of my presence,, ( specially that everyone knows that his ex-wife's live in partner passed away already). So he has to create an image that he's a strong person that for the past years he was able able to make all by himself. No one knows that it was me whom he was with for those years...keeping him company... keeping him sane if he has some problems. By the way, I've had good relationship with his mom & brother too but both died already too.
Sometimes. i think that I 've wasted my youthful years with him... 'but at the same time... thank him too for being around when I felt I was figuring out what I really want in life during those years.
Right now I am on the process of finding the right guy for me... i just hope i 'll be able to find him...I dunno how.
The nature of my work is 80% is younger than me and 20% is either the same age or older,,, and most of them were married.
Sometimes, I wanna go out and have fun but no one to be with,,,,Like going to parties.. bars... but I am most of the time alone... where can i find him?
Besides, is this the right time for me to search? Am I in the right track? Tell me, pls.
Lately he had a lot of change, sometimes, i knew that he 's having dates with other women who can drink beers with him at night ( i don't drink, and i don't enjoy nighlife, it was him who introduced me what a nightlife is and we used to go out, he was drinking and while me taking juice and we can stay in a bar together for hours without getting bored before). He's into sales... those women whom he's dating with were mostly his colleagues in sales and i truly got jealous of it but at the same time felt secured coz I know he can't have any sexual relationship with them coz i know he has some issues with regard to his sexual functioning.I never confronted him about it coz what i know was i don't have the right to control him coz, we're just bestfriends and he never mentioned to me too that he's going out with other women. Once, he told me to try going out with other guys, experience being with other guys, coz he knew eventually i am going to leave him coz, of our age differences. I got mad, coz he was my world, and I felt safe if I am with him. I felt like he's giving me away... so what i did was, it tried to go out too with other guys,,, and yes, i was rght, they were only after sex and i don't like that.
So I''ve thought of letting go of what i feel about him,,,, and enjoy my life without a lover beside me but open myself for other admirers. Put a distance between us and just treated him purely as a friend..We continue to share the same office but i don't talk to him the way i used to be... i don't look at him... in short there were no connection between me and him.Later on... i started leaving him alone in the office... only see him once a week then eventually,,,, once every two weeeks and the last one is i didn't show up for 2 consecutive months.
Two days ago, i went to the office to pick up some of my stuffs,,, stayed there for about 20 miinutes,,, then left but he stopped me... he talked to me and told me that lately he's been seeing his children and he just wanna maintain a certain bond for his children at least once a week. He said he's getting old and he just wanna make sure that before he dies, things will get better for his children. His ex-wife, according to him , there';s no way that they will go back to each other arms again, he just wanna be freidnly to her, becasue it was her who has been taking care of his chldren for more than 10 years( the ex wife had a live in partner for 6 years but just died recently).
I didn't ask him, i just let him talk,..,.. and then he said... he treasured the 7 years that we were living together,,, and we can still continue with our friendship. then he hugged me... real tight for few minutes... his hands were travelling on my back and waist... and i 've sensed he was having a hard on... but i didn't respond... i just hugged him back and nothing more.. and he kept on saying... i know how much you care about me...and i thank you for that.
I told him, he was the last guy whom I have touched and i missed him so much... I've wanted to cry but no more tears coming out from my eyes.. In my heart, i truly conditioned that we're just friends...I don't want to initiate anymore...
coz i don't wanna get hurt again. When I left, i didn't left a message on when I am coming back... i just left it hanging... let him wait again for another month that was in my mind. Then I started crying when I was alone already, coz i knew I still care about him but i have to learned that he's not for me. and we can never be together again.
I just thank God, for having him as a friend coz he never took advantage of me, though many times a lot of people thought we're couples for real but we never cared about what would other people think about us... we just continue with
what we are...but those were during our first 5 years,,,, and it was only later that he became too conscious of our images infront of other people for reasons I am not totally convinced which is ,,, he doesn't want other people think that he is a womanizer, simply because of my presence,, ( specially that everyone knows that his ex-wife's live in partner passed away already). So he has to create an image that he's a strong person that for the past years he was able able to make all by himself. No one knows that it was me whom he was with for those years...keeping him company... keeping him sane if he has some problems. By the way, I've had good relationship with his mom & brother too but both died already too.
Sometimes. i think that I 've wasted my youthful years with him... 'but at the same time... thank him too for being around when I felt I was figuring out what I really want in life during those years.
Right now I am on the process of finding the right guy for me... i just hope i 'll be able to find him...I dunno how.
The nature of my work is 80% is younger than me and 20% is either the same age or older,,, and most of them were married.
Sometimes, I wanna go out and have fun but no one to be with,,,,Like going to parties.. bars... but I am most of the time alone... where can i find him?
Besides, is this the right time for me to search? Am I in the right track? Tell me, pls.
"Crossing the fine line between friendship and sexual partner". Actually we started as lovers, and just converted into friendship when "maybe" we discovered that as "sexual partner" it won't work because of his sexual dysfunctioning. Maybe I could have done something about it... but i never reached out on how to improve the sexual relationships because I believe it has to be initiated by him or my orientation that it should be his call.
. My bestfriend is a very conceited person.. he has this impression that he got everything... good looks... intelligent , money, talent,,,,and he's very very proud of it. He lived with that kind of thought. But when it comes to "sex" he's useless...and it's a big blow on his ego. True, that a lot of girls is running after him.,,,. but no one wins...they can hang around with him through beers but nothing beyond that.
With what happened to us, i just accepted the fact that we can't really have sex and I've learned to love him even without sex...though many times I've craved for it but because of my loyalty to him I never played around.
I have done my part... I have loved him and he too I know played that best for us. Maybe at this point of time, he just want space so he can perform his role as a father to his 5 children. M just giving his time to do that . It is something that he had not perform for years... he has this need to be needed and he can only have it by responding to the needs of his children. He can do that even if I am around before.
The last time we've talked, he hugged me real tight... His hands were travelling all over my body and I've felt he was having an erection (but i know it won't last long) I didn't lift a finger to respond to that move, coz in my mind... he's projection was he's trying to tell me that we're still the best of friends, ,, but the truth is.. it was an excuse because he can no longer function sexually though it appeared like he's dumping on me (his pride is still there). He kept on telling me "I know how much you love me"...while hugging me tight. But i never gave him the pleasure to hear it again. He's confusing me more , he's action is different from what he's saying. It's all over, enough is enough. I have loved him so much...(maybe) ., I made my world so small, and made him my only choice. Where in fact, the world is so wonderful and so big and there are a lot of options...I really have to say goodbye to my stupidity. He would never hear the word "love" from me anymore.He asked for it, he got it. LOL!
I am alright now...and getting better each day... Thank you for having this kind of forum, it's one way of airing out our ill feelings, looking for someone who would listen and help us understand what's we're going through. More power to you guys!!!
. My bestfriend is a very conceited person.. he has this impression that he got everything... good looks... intelligent , money, talent,,,,and he's very very proud of it. He lived with that kind of thought. But when it comes to "sex" he's useless...and it's a big blow on his ego. True, that a lot of girls is running after him.,,,. but no one wins...they can hang around with him through beers but nothing beyond that.
With what happened to us, i just accepted the fact that we can't really have sex and I've learned to love him even without sex...though many times I've craved for it but because of my loyalty to him I never played around.
I have done my part... I have loved him and he too I know played that best for us. Maybe at this point of time, he just want space so he can perform his role as a father to his 5 children. M just giving his time to do that . It is something that he had not perform for years... he has this need to be needed and he can only have it by responding to the needs of his children. He can do that even if I am around before.
The last time we've talked, he hugged me real tight... His hands were travelling all over my body and I've felt he was having an erection (but i know it won't last long) I didn't lift a finger to respond to that move, coz in my mind... he's projection was he's trying to tell me that we're still the best of friends, ,, but the truth is.. it was an excuse because he can no longer function sexually though it appeared like he's dumping on me (his pride is still there). He kept on telling me "I know how much you love me"...while hugging me tight. But i never gave him the pleasure to hear it again. He's confusing me more , he's action is different from what he's saying. It's all over, enough is enough. I have loved him so much...(maybe) ., I made my world so small, and made him my only choice. Where in fact, the world is so wonderful and so big and there are a lot of options...I really have to say goodbye to my stupidity. He would never hear the word "love" from me anymore.He asked for it, he got it. LOL!
I am alright now...and getting better each day... Thank you for having this kind of forum, it's one way of airing out our ill feelings, looking for someone who would listen and help us understand what's we're going through. More power to you guys!!!
I got married at the wrong time for the wrong reason, but that was years ago and he has a life of his own now. We parted our ways several years ago.
Yes, beer is not for me, I can go on with a night life without taking beers and enjoy it. Yes, I may sound like I am in my teen years coz, there are a lot of things I haven't done during my younger years, m a late bloomer. ( i grew up with very conservative grandparents). The first time I've experienced nightlife was with my bestfriend.,..almost 4x a week, He got beers and i've got juice. What matter most at that time was our time talking and being together. After less than a year, he introduced me to his mom, and found out later that I was the first woman whom he introduced with his mom after his separation with his ex-wife(that was years ago). His mom and brother liked me for him, coz they 've seen changes in my bestfriend's life and behavior since I came. I know ,,,he fell in love with me too, but he just put a limit because of his other failed relationships in the past. But we were almost there...would you believe that maNY times we slept together but nothing happens? We actually rented an apartment and live there together for 6 yeARS without sex. Day and night we were together, his drinking beers with other guys and girls was just a natural scenario to me. It's not bad in going out with friends, it's just that sometimes i felt insecured that i should always be the one whom he should be with, because for me he was my only world but i never stopped him from, doing it. I just remind him if it affects his schedules/jobs.
But things had changed now...m actually learning to live without him... and yes, bars, live band music is what i want but i just can't do that if i am alone. I can only do that before when I was with him. I miss going out at night.
One thing more... i don't smoke cigarette, haven't tried any kind of drugs but i don;t consider myself deprived for i was not able to experience those...juice in bars is fine with me.... I danced and sing in parties but smoke and beers is a big no for me . Coz, in my mind you can still have fun without taking all those stuffs. I can take red wine LOL!
Thanks for taking time to listen to me and understanding what's going on with me now.
Just hang on and walk with me thru the process i am going through now.
Yes, beer is not for me, I can go on with a night life without taking beers and enjoy it. Yes, I may sound like I am in my teen years coz, there are a lot of things I haven't done during my younger years, m a late bloomer. ( i grew up with very conservative grandparents). The first time I've experienced nightlife was with my bestfriend.,..almost 4x a week, He got beers and i've got juice. What matter most at that time was our time talking and being together. After less than a year, he introduced me to his mom, and found out later that I was the first woman whom he introduced with his mom after his separation with his ex-wife(that was years ago). His mom and brother liked me for him, coz they 've seen changes in my bestfriend's life and behavior since I came. I know ,,,he fell in love with me too, but he just put a limit because of his other failed relationships in the past. But we were almost there...would you believe that maNY times we slept together but nothing happens? We actually rented an apartment and live there together for 6 yeARS without sex. Day and night we were together, his drinking beers with other guys and girls was just a natural scenario to me. It's not bad in going out with friends, it's just that sometimes i felt insecured that i should always be the one whom he should be with, because for me he was my only world but i never stopped him from, doing it. I just remind him if it affects his schedules/jobs.
But things had changed now...m actually learning to live without him... and yes, bars, live band music is what i want but i just can't do that if i am alone. I can only do that before when I was with him. I miss going out at night.
One thing more... i don't smoke cigarette, haven't tried any kind of drugs but i don;t consider myself deprived for i was not able to experience those...juice in bars is fine with me.... I danced and sing in parties but smoke and beers is a big no for me . Coz, in my mind you can still have fun without taking all those stuffs. I can take red wine LOL!
Thanks for taking time to listen to me and understanding what's going on with me now.
Just hang on and walk with me thru the process i am going through now.
You come across very young in your post. You say he is in his mid 50's, about 20 yrs older than you which would put you in you mid 30's? First of all 50 is not old, he has much more life to live and secondly, keep in mind that he will always be 20 years older than you and while that may not seem so big right now? In another 10 it would be a big deal. You need to get you together and not worry about relationships until you know what you want out of one and try to find someone who is got the same goals in life as you. You sound way younger than mid 30's. You come across more like a teen? You have not experienced the nite life so much and when you do you drink juice and he has been going with people he can share a beer with? Whats up with this?
Well if he truly loves you the way he says he does, he will allow you the space to move on. Heartbreak takes time to heal, but it does happen. Every day will get easier and easier. Just keep moving ahead like you have been.
Thanks , that's what i need, a confirmation if I am doing the right thing,,.For the past nights i've been thinking about him. I hate it, but I can't get him off my mind overnight. But m not giving up, I am firm with my decision to let him go. Slowly.. i know
i can move on, and m in the process of doing it,,,,I remember some of his words he uttered: "Your're the most wonderful person who came into my life, and i don;t wanna loose you... the only way to keep you with me is to maintain this kind of friendship that we have.., if you will become my wife , we will end up lfull of miseries and hatred just like what happened with my first wife and i don't like that...".wives can go,,, but "friends" are forever...
i can move on, and m in the process of doing it,,,,I remember some of his words he uttered: "Your're the most wonderful person who came into my life, and i don;t wanna loose you... the only way to keep you with me is to maintain this kind of friendship that we have.., if you will become my wife , we will end up lfull of miseries and hatred just like what happened with my first wife and i don't like that...".wives can go,,, but "friends" are forever...
First he has not confirmed that you mutually have an exclusive relationship and when you are not in an exclusive relationship and you tell a man "I Love You", he is going to run the opposite direction. There is something about telling a man who has had fail relationship "I Love You" that makes them feel uneasy and uncomfortable.
50 is the new 30. I know some men that are in there 50's and are not only mature, but look better than some 20 - 30 yr.old and if he is not responding to you sexually is because either he is concern about the friendship, not ready for an exclusive relationship, might have health issue or is simply not interested. Life experiences has affected him and he just might not be ready for a new committment.
I thinks it's great that you simply listened and that you are realistic the it seems as he is just not ready for a relationship at this point.
Sometimes crossing that fine line between friendship and sexual partner in reality destroys a potential relationship. It happened to me.
I feel that if a relationship is meant to be, there is nothing in this world that will stop it from not happening. It's fate, but I feel he is just not ready to jump into another relationship and does care about you, but not the way you care about him.
Take some time for yourself just to think. You don't have to go to bars, nightclubs, ect. The right man will come along when you least expected, so go about your business, live life and it will happened...I promise! Good luck...Judy
50 is the new 30. I know some men that are in there 50's and are not only mature, but look better than some 20 - 30 yr.old and if he is not responding to you sexually is because either he is concern about the friendship, not ready for an exclusive relationship, might have health issue or is simply not interested. Life experiences has affected him and he just might not be ready for a new committment.
I thinks it's great that you simply listened and that you are realistic the it seems as he is just not ready for a relationship at this point.
Sometimes crossing that fine line between friendship and sexual partner in reality destroys a potential relationship. It happened to me.
I feel that if a relationship is meant to be, there is nothing in this world that will stop it from not happening. It's fate, but I feel he is just not ready to jump into another relationship and does care about you, but not the way you care about him.
Take some time for yourself just to think. You don't have to go to bars, nightclubs, ect. The right man will come along when you least expected, so go about your business, live life and it will happened...I promise! Good luck...Judy
Stop trying to force it. You need to figure out who you are first. It sounds like you gained a lot of strength since you were able to walk away from a man that you love. It sounds like you had a good friendship and bond with him but you are right, it wasn't the healthiest of relationships. At least not for you. Glad to see you are moving forward. The problem with the friendship you had with this man is you were solely about him and were not able to form any other friendships beyond the one you had with him. That is really unfortunate but you can start at any point in your life. Start hanging out with people, you can meet people at work or join a gym and make friends with someone in a workout class, maybe go back to school and take a course and make some friends there. You can also take some art workshops or join a book club. Go out, have fun, go shopping, just live life. Even going on vacation you can meet people that way and have a blast. Don't worry so much about meeting men, that will happen in it's own time. For now, find your way and that will soon follow. Good luck.
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