Extremely Confused

[Tricia2812]

I have a huge dilemma in my life right now, and I really need some advice. I met my now fiancé 9 months ago. We got engaged after 4 months. I know that's super early, but it felt so right. My family was ok with it, so it was all fine. We've had a lot or rocky times since then. Fights, etc etc. I've had a bad past with relationships, so I'm a bit scarred. Anyways, my fiancé has 2 kids. They at the time lived in another state. Well here we are in January of 2012, and we are 5 1/2 months away from our wedding, and just 3 weeks ago his 2 kids ages 5&6 moved in with us. It seems right now it's only a temporary situation.

At the beginning, I was over the moon excited about them coming. I was so happy. I quit my job to stay at home with them. Something I've always wanted to do. But now. Im just so incredibly overwhelmed. I don't have any kids of my own, but I just never thought I'd feel the way I do. It's terrible. I'm questioning my future marriage with my fiancé, as well as being a step mom to these kids. They already call me mommy and it just makes me fel numb.

I've been thinking so much about my ex, and how much I miss the life we had. It was a lot of bad times, but when things were good, they were good. It was an easy life. No kids. Just us. I'm thinking about it all at this second, and I just want to run back to my ex.

My family loves my fiancé and his kids so very very much. It's nice to see them react with the kids. My parents love being grandparents.

I'm just do confused. Ivectold my fiancé how I feel and he's vowed to make sure I feel good etc etc. I didn't tell him about my ex of course, but I told him how I feel overwhelmed etc.

Please help with any advice. A part of me doesn't want to leave my fiancé, because I know he does love me. But I'm just so confused. I've been in a medication for the last 6 months that has a side effect of depression and mood swings, so I stopped them yesterday. So hopefully that will help. We will see.

Please help me. I'm desperate for advice.

Thank you.

[Londres70]

What meds have you stopped taking due to the side effects of mood swings and depression?  I would definitely inform the prescribing physician what you have done.  Are you in therapy for your phobia issue?

In my opinion, sounds like your situation is extremely overwhelming and you should probably talk to your fiance again, but this time put the wedding/marriage on hold until you sort this out. It wouldn't be fair to your fiance or his children to keep pretending everything is ok when it apparently isn't especially if you are pinning for your ex behind his back and a "child-free situation."

If you can't handle the pressure of dealing with someone's children for a short period of time how would you be able to deal with them if they had to permanently live with you all?  Plus, you quit your job and jumped right into "stay at home" mommy role.  I can't imagine that would be an easy adjustment.  

The relationship sounds "whirlwind"; developed too quickly and now you are feeling the consequences.  

I definitely think you shouldn't go running back to any ex or another man; you need to sort YOURSELF out dear.  A man is not the answer.  

What exactly happened that was "bad" in your past relationships?

[Tricia2812]

I know I don't need to run back to my ex. That was just me thinking irrationally. Tonight, I sat down and had a long talk with my fiancé. I told him exactly the way I was feeling. I told him I felt that the children should go back to live with there mother until we get our own lives/relationship figured out. He told me he 100% understands that things are so overwhelming for me, and he's ok with them going back for some time, while we figure things out. I honestly have been so relieved about this for the rest of the night. Before we talked, I would just sit there in tears because I was so upset. I jumped in this way too fast. It was too overwhelming for me. I met his kids for the first time in September, and 3 months later they were here to live.

So tomorrow I'm going to talk to their mother ( her and I have a good relationship surprisingly) and tell her everything. So hopefully she understands the seriousness of the matter. My fiancé works a whole bunch of hours too, and he's barely home. So we as a couple will get to know each other on a much deeper level, and just spend time together as we should be doing. Then I can gradually slow myself into everything one day at a time.

I feel relieved, but I'm just nervous their mother won't be ok with our decision, but to be fair to both of us, and the kids, it's for the best.

And as for the medication I was on, it was a BC pill. It made me very moody and uncomfortable with myself. Plus it's known for its dangerous side effects and health scares, so my mom being a nurse, feels I shouldn't take it. I was only on it, so we don't get pregnant before the wedding. Not a big deal.

I just hope that the kids know it is only for their best interest.

[specialmom]

Alrighty.  Well, I'm a little disturbed by the ping ponging of these kids.  You should live on your own and let him keep his kids for their sake.  Your situation makes me very nervous for two little kids.  Ugh.

[Tricia2812]

First off, this is the first time the kids have ever been out of state to live. They've lived in Georgia all their life. He doesn't want to live in Georgia. He wants to live in the state we live in. The kids aren't being ping-pronged around. Everybody else I've told understands and think its for the best. You even said throwing kids right in your face that fast would freak anybody out. So we are taking a step back, allowing the kids to be with their mother, and then after she is done with school she will move up to our state with the children and then we will be all together in the same state. These children are happy and they always will be. They aren't going back and forth. My fine is comfortable here and his job is here. So you don't just get up and go.
Plus we love each other, and we know this is for the best. The kids will be just fine. Not everybody has the "perfect" family life. We do the best we can.

I was looking for advice and maybe a little bit of care. Not nastiness.  

[specialmom]

Little kids do not do great with big changes.  It was a big deal for them to come and live with you and now they are sent back and on and on it goes.  That is what I am talking about,

I wasn't being nasty and have shown you care in this post.  Sorry if you took my last response to you as nasty.  

I encourage you to accept that you will have to at least half the time be with these kids.  If it is unpleasant for you, then it isn't a great situation for you to be in.  

I do wish you luck.  

[specialmom]

Anyway, the solution to send the kids back seems like a temporary fix to a long term problem.  He's got kids and needs to spend a LOT of time with them and that is never going to change.  

That is not a situation that is ideal for every single person and it is for you to decide if you are willing to be supportive of his spending lots of time with his kids or not.  It is for you to decide if this situaiton is going to work for you.  

I think it is hard to be thrust into the world of kids out of the blue.  That is for sure.  Maybe you'll get used to it.  But he has to be a father to those kids and that is unchanging.  And he probably shouldn't wait until you feel you can handle it.  Kids don't wait.  

Again, not trying to be nasty but trying to give you honest feedback.  good luck and I do hope it all works out for you