Extremely Confused

[Tricia2812]

I have a huge dilemma in my life right now, and I really need some advice. I met my now fiancé 9 months ago. We got engaged after 4 months. I know that's super early, but it felt so right. My family was ok with it, so it was all fine. We've had a lot or rocky times since then. Fights, etc etc. I've had a bad past with relationships, so I'm a bit scarred. Anyways, my fiancé has 2 kids. They at the time lived in another state. Well here we are in January of 2012, and we are 5 1/2 months away from our wedding, and just 3 weeks ago his 2 kids ages 5&6 moved in with us. It seems right now it's only a temporary situation.

At the beginning, I was over the moon excited about them coming. I was so happy. I quit my job to stay at home with them. Something I've always wanted to do. But now. Im just so incredibly overwhelmed. I don't have any kids of my own, but I just never thought I'd feel the way I do. It's terrible. I'm questioning my future marriage with my fiancé, as well as being a step mom to these kids. They already call me mommy and it just makes me fel numb.

I've been thinking so much about my ex, and how much I miss the life we had. It was a lot of bad times, but when things were good, they were good. It was an easy life. No kids. Just us. I'm thinking about it all at this second, and I just want to run back to my ex.

My family loves my fiancé and his kids so very very much. It's nice to see them react with the kids. My parents love being grandparents.

I'm just do confused. Ivectold my fiancé how I feel and he's vowed to make sure I feel good etc etc. I didn't tell him about my ex of course, but I told him how I feel overwhelmed etc.

Please help with any advice. A part of me doesn't want to leave my fiancé, because I know he does love me. But I'm just so confused. I've been in a medication for the last 6 months that has a side effect of depression and mood swings, so I stopped them yesterday. So hopefully that will help. We will see.

Please help me. I'm desperate for advice.

Thank you.

[specialmom]

Hm.  Well, let me just say that these kids are little but it is still odd that they are packed up from their home of before and moved full time to you and are already calling you mommie.  This makes me wonder about the stability they have had thus far.  That really isn't what you are writing about but can't help but comment on it.

Honestly, it is in these kids best interest for their dad to move to where there mom is or she to where he is and they both help parent these kids.  Would you be supportive of that?

That they are no longer in their mother's home and with you makes me think something dramatic is going on with their mom.

And maybe it was going on before their dad met you and he needed a partner to help him---  got engaged quickly and set it all up.  Just something to think about.

But either way, he REALLY is a packaged deal.  His kids are young and he comes with them.  You don't have to be a stay at home mom if you don't want to be and they can have sitters insrtead if the being at home part is what you don't like but overall, these kids will always be a signficant part of their dad's life.  They will go to school full time shortly at 5 and 6 which would make day to day care easier but then you have the weekends, week nights etc. as mommie and daddie to the kids.

I would just be honest with yourself.  If you aren't ready for this or enjoying it, then consider that this isn't the best situation for you.  There is no shame in that.  It is just real life.  good luck

[Tricia2812]

They moved from their mother, so she could concentrate on school full time to get herself better established. It's only temporary though. And she did mention she'd might possibly move here to our state after she finishes school. So that way the kids will have both their parents in the same state. Before I met my fiancé, he was already planning on going back to his kids. But when he met me, he decided to stay and see what was to happen with us. So I don't really feel he found me to use me. It was just a very big coincendence that I met him when I did, plus it was pretty special. And here we are, engaged with a little family.

I know he's a packaged deal. I guess I'm just overwhelmed with all the changes. I love being a stay at home mom. That gives me a lot of freedom too. It's just been very stressful getting things organized with the kids, my fiances new job, and planning our wedding.

I hope my nerves and emotions are the only thing to blame. I love him and this kids, I guess I just need to get use to it all. I've spoken to my fiancé as I mentioned, and he said he'd do whatever he can to make me feel better. I'm just not use to the changes as fast as they've been happening. And I hope I get use to then...

[specialmom]

Well, being plucked and stuck all of a sudden full time with young children is hard.  I LOVE kids and remember when my sister asked me to watch her kids for a whole weekend.  These were kids I absolutely adore and spent a lot of time together but that was a memorable long weekend.  I wasn't use to them and was tired and SO ready for my sister to get home.  Now I'm with kids all the time and it is my normal.

It is interesting you speak of freedom because it is my freedom I lost when I had kids.  I must ALWAYS think of them first now and  life pretty much revolves around them.  Being at home with my kids was a true loss of my freedom in my opinion.  I don't mind and love it but my day is not my own by any means.

Anyway, couples that have kids enter their life do go through an adjustment period.  He'll love those kids as much as you and they'll get a lot of the attention that once was just for you.  Takes a while to get used to.  When you have a baby, couples go through the same thing.  We have to remind ourselves to have dates now because family things dominate.  Kind of the way of family life.

How was he going to take care of the kids full time if he hadn't met you?  Just curious.  

Anyway, would be win win if she does move there or if you willing to move where she is as he has already said he would.  Then you share custody----  and you'd have some days off each week when they are with her.

I will say, not sure of the wisdom about moving them around like this as kids thrive on stability.  You may experience 'acting out' in the near future.  Common way kids show that change affects them.  Trying to keep things as 'normal' is possible is the usual route courts take.  In fact, my good friend that is divorced and still lives in the house she shared with her ex must leave every other weekend so that the ex could come there to keep a single home for her kids.  One suffers some emotional issues and when I ask her if it bothers her---  she says it is hard but best for the kids.  So, trying to keep change from occuring might be a goal in the future after things get settled.  

Anyway, you've backtracked a bit in your second post.  I'm glad you are fine with it all and are just getting used to things.  I hope it all has a happy ending.

[brice1967]

The only thing I can add to the mix is quitting your meds.  Probably not a great idea to just drop them, unless of course it was under doctors orders.

[Tricia2812]

He was planning to move back to the state his kids lived in before he met me. He wasn't planning on living here with them full time. He met me, and changes everything around. It was is dream to live with his kids full time regardless of where he ended up living. So as of a few months ago, the kids mother wanted to the children to live with us so she could concentrate on her studies.

In the beginning I felt connected to the kids, but for some reason I recently started feeling distant. One part I didbt mention is that I have emetophobia. That makes its hard too. I just hope this doesnt over power me having my own baby one day. I sometimes feel that maybe I wouldn't feel this way if those kids were actually my own. I don't know. It just changed for me so fast. I just wonder if I'll ever get the feeling I had back.

At this point I just feel like calling off my wedding, running back to my ex, and just being with him. I feel like I'd like that life better. I think about it constantly.

[specialmom]

Hon, you shouldn't have to run back to your ex to decide that you aren't totally happy with the situation you are in now.  You don't have to be with a man, do you?  Of course not.  You are a strong woman!  

I don't know if this situation is right for you or not,  that is for you to decide.  It really IS okay to say it is too much.  Instant mommie is a lot for anyone to handle.

Speaking of which, very odd that the kids call you mommie.  They aren't teeny tiny and have had a mother up until now, right?  It would be uncomfortable for them to call you mommy.  For you as well I'd guess.  

Just try to be honest with yourself,  And if you have any mental health issues and take meds for it-----  you should continue your treatment now more than ever.  good luck

[Londres70]

What meds have you stopped taking due to the side effects of mood swings and depression?  I would definitely inform the prescribing physician what you have done.  Are you in therapy for your phobia issue?

In my opinion, sounds like your situation is extremely overwhelming and you should probably talk to your fiance again, but this time put the wedding/marriage on hold until you sort this out. It wouldn't be fair to your fiance or his children to keep pretending everything is ok when it apparently isn't especially if you are pinning for your ex behind his back and a "child-free situation."

If you can't handle the pressure of dealing with someone's children for a short period of time how would you be able to deal with them if they had to permanently live with you all?  Plus, you quit your job and jumped right into "stay at home" mommy role.  I can't imagine that would be an easy adjustment.  

The relationship sounds "whirlwind"; developed too quickly and now you are feeling the consequences.  

I definitely think you shouldn't go running back to any ex or another man; you need to sort YOURSELF out dear.  A man is not the answer.  

What exactly happened that was "bad" in your past relationships?

[Tricia2812]

I know I don't need to run back to my ex. That was just me thinking irrationally. Tonight, I sat down and had a long talk with my fiancé. I told him exactly the way I was feeling. I told him I felt that the children should go back to live with there mother until we get our own lives/relationship figured out. He told me he 100% understands that things are so overwhelming for me, and he's ok with them going back for some time, while we figure things out. I honestly have been so relieved about this for the rest of the night. Before we talked, I would just sit there in tears because I was so upset. I jumped in this way too fast. It was too overwhelming for me. I met his kids for the first time in September, and 3 months later they were here to live.

So tomorrow I'm going to talk to their mother ( her and I have a good relationship surprisingly) and tell her everything. So hopefully she understands the seriousness of the matter. My fiancé works a whole bunch of hours too, and he's barely home. So we as a couple will get to know each other on a much deeper level, and just spend time together as we should be doing. Then I can gradually slow myself into everything one day at a time.

I feel relieved, but I'm just nervous their mother won't be ok with our decision, but to be fair to both of us, and the kids, it's for the best.

And as for the medication I was on, it was a BC pill. It made me very moody and uncomfortable with myself. Plus it's known for its dangerous side effects and health scares, so my mom being a nurse, feels I shouldn't take it. I was only on it, so we don't get pregnant before the wedding. Not a big deal.

I just hope that the kids know it is only for their best interest.

[specialmom]

Alrighty.  Well, I'm a little disturbed by the ping ponging of these kids.  You should live on your own and let him keep his kids for their sake.  Your situation makes me very nervous for two little kids.  Ugh.

[Tricia2812]

First off, this is the first time the kids have ever been out of state to live. They've lived in Georgia all their life. He doesn't want to live in Georgia. He wants to live in the state we live in. The kids aren't being ping-pronged around. Everybody else I've told understands and think its for the best. You even said throwing kids right in your face that fast would freak anybody out. So we are taking a step back, allowing the kids to be with their mother, and then after she is done with school she will move up to our state with the children and then we will be all together in the same state. These children are happy and they always will be. They aren't going back and forth. My fine is comfortable here and his job is here. So you don't just get up and go.
Plus we love each other, and we know this is for the best. The kids will be just fine. Not everybody has the "perfect" family life. We do the best we can.

I was looking for advice and maybe a little bit of care. Not nastiness.  

[specialmom]

Little kids do not do great with big changes.  It was a big deal for them to come and live with you and now they are sent back and on and on it goes.  That is what I am talking about,

I wasn't being nasty and have shown you care in this post.  Sorry if you took my last response to you as nasty.  

I encourage you to accept that you will have to at least half the time be with these kids.  If it is unpleasant for you, then it isn't a great situation for you to be in.  

I do wish you luck.  

[specialmom]

Anyway, the solution to send the kids back seems like a temporary fix to a long term problem.  He's got kids and needs to spend a LOT of time with them and that is never going to change.  

That is not a situation that is ideal for every single person and it is for you to decide if you are willing to be supportive of his spending lots of time with his kids or not.  It is for you to decide if this situaiton is going to work for you.  

I think it is hard to be thrust into the world of kids out of the blue.  That is for sure.  Maybe you'll get used to it.  But he has to be a father to those kids and that is unchanging.  And he probably shouldn't wait until you feel you can handle it.  Kids don't wait.  

Again, not trying to be nasty but trying to give you honest feedback.  good luck and I do hope it all works out for you

[Tricia2812]

Him being so understanding of the way I feel really means a lot to me. He works almost 60 hours a week plus Saturday's, so he isn't home much. Im not asking him to wait years for me to be ok with it. You should have read my earlier posts. We are doing things, most couples do after a few years. Not after 8 months! It's been a fast moving relationship. I'm ok with it all, but I need time getting use to his children. It's normal to feel overwhelmed. It's normal to feel scared. I need a little extra time to accept it. I realize I'll have to spend a lot of time with his kids. I'm perfectly ok with that. When the time comes, I know I will be just fine...

Them living with us, was only temporary anyways. And I'm 100% ok with a man who has kids. It's just something I've never had to deal with in my life before. I just have to grow accustomed to it.

[brice1967]

I don't think specialmom was being nasty.  This woman has a ton of very valuable insight and has been very helpful with things that are going on in my life.  I think the term "ping-ponging" set you off and you felt as if you needed to defend yourself.  You don't need to defend yourself.... this is about you and your problem and this board can offer you a ton of information/ideas.

Respectfully, I will agree with specialmom with everything she said.  First off, being thrust into a full time mommy position is a big leap.  Being a parent myself, I fully understand how hard it is.  Parents rarely get a break... maybe work and sleep, but even then on some level we are thinking about the well being of our kids.  Nobody is blaming you.... it is a hard, hard thing to do and is a giant commitment.  

About the kids and going back and forth.  I know that kids thrive in stable environments.  (Stability can be measured in any number of ways.)  I also know that it is very easy to cause children (especially young ones) a great deal of uncertainty of going back and forth amongst parents.  There is no stability there.... as soon as they begin to think that things are going to be okay and they begin to settle in, then there is a move.  (You'll see trouble like this in military families sometimes.  The family unit itself is fine, but the constant moving and adjusting takes a toll on some children.)

I think you guys are probably on the right track getting yourselves more situated with your personal relationship and situation.  That is a very responsible thing to do and it seems as if you are both united on that.  Awesome!  Who knows what will happen, but you have to make sure that you are taking care of you. You have to be sure that this environment is something that you want to be in, and something that you can handle.  Time will help.

Good luck.

[Londres70]

If I may take the liberty and say no one who has responded is trying to be nasty but honest and give their opinion/insight.  I understand you came here seeking advice, but I think we would be doing you a diservice by saying everything that you have stated in your post is correct and ok to do, etc. when it may not be.  We are keeping in mind how you feel and as well as addressing concerns related to the stepchildren because that is just as important.

You definitely do sound overwhelmed and there are just too many adjustments going on at one time unfortunately.  Hopefully, you will be a bit better after being off the bc med.  

With that being said and don't get angry because I am saying this from a stepmother's point of view and a biological mother's point of view... it is not good to create alot of change in a child's life if it is NOT necessary.  Perhaps you don't understand this because you have no children of your own.  As a stepmother, you will have to think about your stepchildren's needs before your own quite a bit and that is the concern here.  You can't just send the children back to their mother when you are starting to feel the "heat."  I am NOT saying this will be a pattern with you, but the concern is there.  After everything calms down perhaps you will feel more calm about all this.  

I have been in your shoes; it is NOT easy adjusting to a stepmother's role; in my case their mother made it more difficult than it had to be in my opinion. Becoming a stepmother was more difficult for me than having a child of my own.  Sure there were times when I thought....hmmm......."am I cut out for this?"  "Should I even be a stepmother?"  "This is more difficult than I thought."  Finally, I can say everything has calmed down and I feel very comfortable being a stepmother.  

And yes, NO family is free from problems and issues, that's true, however, your soon to be husband is a father and that's 24/7.  

You know you and your situation better than us and hopefully this situation will calm down and work itself in a direction that is stable and calm.  

I do wish you all the best dear.  

PM me if you like.  

[Tricia2812]

I just don't know if I can do it right now. I don't think I'm ready. It happened all too fast. I'm a strong person, but I don't know if I'm strong enough for this....

[specialmom]

Don't feel alone as that would be the case with a lot of people.  There is no shame in trying to figure out what our limits are.  

This is a complex situation because their are kids involved so the stakes are much higher.  What is best for them should be what their father keeps as his top priority and then hopefully everything will work out with you too.  

Ya know, I dated a few men that had kids.  I found I wanted a man without kids in the end.  I'm a kid lover but found that it was better for me to be with someone that didn't have kids  I think understanding who we are is important when it comes to choosing a mate.  And everyone has boundaries and limits.  Really-----  it is okay and better to see what they are than to enter into a life that will ultimately make us unhappy.  

Also, if you have some mental health issues---- making sure these are treated will really help you.  In all areas of your life.  good luck

[Tricia2812]

I know I can be a mom. I just don't know if I can do it right now. I just feel like I'm being very selfish, and it breaks my heart. I just don't know what to do anymore... I'm even more lost than I was....

[Londres70]

The only other thing I would advise is speaking with a professional therapist to help you sort all this out; you have some tough decisions to make in a short period of time if the wedding is still on.    

[TTinKKerBBell]

The Children are not being put first. The priority should be THEM and Children need Their Mom AND Their Dad.  Whether They live with You or not, They should have Mom and Dad BOTH nearby.  If He didn't want to live in Georgia maybe He shouldn't have made Babies in Georgia....but He did,so that's where He should live.  Adults have choices, Children do not.
Truth of the matter is:  Love is a choice.  And We shouldn't choose to love a Man who already has Children if We are unable to take those Children on a moment's notice.  What happens if (God forbid) something happened to Mom and those Children had nowhere to go accept with Dad??  Could You deal with that??  You need to be sure before You go any further.
Good Luck with Your choice.

[Tricia2812]

Do me a favor, don't respond to my post. You don't even know my situation, so don't bother responding. Thanks

[TTinKKerBBell]

I know as much about Your situation as You posted.   l'm entitled to my opinion based on information You supplied.  You not only don't have to like my opinion You don't have to apply it either - Your choice. No need to be offended by anything I said.  I made no judgement of You - I simply cast my vote for the Children.  Otherwise, I said all I have to say - so - not to worry about more response from me.  Your welcome.

[specialmom]

Oh, yes, this is a public forum and everyone is allowed to post advice that they feel applies to the situation and that is all anyone has done here.  

We can't ask someone to not post.  That isn't fair just because we don't like what they said or how they said it  

[RockRose]

Tricia, I have withheld commenting because I kind of have a different take on this.

I think you should back away from this relationship and not get married.

The anxiety and stress comes out loud and clear in your post,  it's painful to read.

It sounds to me,  based on your parents openly welcoming these children that they are fairly well behaved,  enjoyable children.  

In my experience with parenting,  their age is the easiest age there is.  They're out of diapers and fussiness,  and they haven't hit the preteen and teen years yet.

I really believe strongly these children won't get easier for you.  They're about as easy now as they'll ever be,  they'll just get more difficult truthfully.

I was interested in your comment that you have emetophobia.  in my experience,  that's a serious control issue,  and indicates a true difficulty you may have with not being completely in control of your circumstances all the time - something mothers are totally powerless to make happen.  

This is moving way too fast - and you are reacting as strongly as possible in the opposite direction.  Before you invest more time and commitment,  I really think you need to search  your soul about whether you're taking on something you'll never be ready for.

Best wishes.