FRIEND TROUBLES...need advice.

[wisconsin17]

I have had these three close friends since I was very young.  Over time, we have grown apart and come back together a few times. After college, they got mad at me canceling plans with them so much and we had a huge falling out and didn't speak for awhile.  I recognize how hurtful I was being and have tried to change.  The reason I don't like to do things with them is because I don't feel safe with them, but I wouldn't tell them that because it would hurt their feelings.

Now that we all live on our own we are reconnecting again.  However the problem is that since I have anxiety about traveling I always invite my friends over to my apartment. Lately I have been really good and I went out a lot to their houses and out with them, but I still always invite them over first.  Now, the next 2 weekends two of these girls are having Christmas parties at their houses.  One of them I can't go to because I already had planned to go to another party.  I was so nervous telling them that that I think they suspect that I am just making up an excuse.  I declined an invitation to the other party because this girl lives in a bad neigborhood and I will know almost nobody there.

I feel like as an adult, you should have the choice whether or not to go to social events even if you just don't feel like it..so I have stopped making up excuses and just say "I'm sorry I am not able to make it" if I don't want to give a reason.

However now I feel that this friend will be mad because it is the third or fourth time I have declined an invitation to her house (in the bad neighborhood) while she has been to my house every time I invited her.  I now also spend more time with my husband's friends and they all live locally and are more low-key while the other girls are single and have different lifestyles.

Can't you be friends without seeing each other at every single social event? Am I a bad friend or should they just accept me for who I am?

[Ashelen]

I'm sorry, what?? I don't understand a lot of what you said in response to the original poster.

[brice1967]

I don't think you're a bad friend.  I DO think your anxiety plays a bigger role than you'd like.  I had to deal with that stuff too.  

I was in the bar business for 20 years.  On weekends especially, I was surrounded by people, hundreds of them.  I wasn't uncomfortable with it because that was my job.  But when a good time and excuse to be around people popped up, (Christmas parties, bar-b-ques, parties) I would not like to go.  (I have a depression disorder and a good deal of anxiety.)  I would come up with lame excuses to not go.  Some of it really was being "out of my comfort zone".  

At work, no doubt, I was in charge.  AT social gatherings, I would so often catch me doing my job.  This was even obvious to my wife, and she could almost taste me being uncomfortable.... it was anxiety at its best.  I could not allow myself to "not be in control", therefor social gatherings were literally somewhat painful for me.

It took a long time for me to realize that some of my friendships were suffering because of this and I realized that friendships have to run both ways.  I finally found a bit of peace that allowed me to go to gatherings that I normally would not have attended.  I'd go with the intent of just making a showing, to just pop in, say hey to a few folks and then head home.  What miraculously started to happen was, I'd show up and have a good time.... I'd relax just a little bit and the good times would flow.

I personally think it would be a good idea, even with the friend who lives in the bad neighborhood, to just pop in for a little bit.  It shows you care enough to have stopped by.  You don't have to stay long, and perhaps you can go with another friend to bolster your comfort zone a bit.

Me ignoring social situations ended up to a point where we (my wife and kids included) we not offered invitations to these events anymore.  I then took that as a personal attack, but yet it was me who perpetuated the problem.  See what I am getting at?

You don't have to stay long.  Walk in with a bottle of wine, present the wine (or whatever) to the hostess and say, "I can't stay long but wanted to come and hang out for a few.".  If you get comfortable, stay... if you begin to feel uncomfortable, hug the hostess, tell her thanks and politely depart.

It takes a bit of work, but you can do it.  You cannot have too many friends, and it pays big dividends to keep the good ones real close to the heart.  Don't let good friends slip away.

[Makaslu]

You are definitely not a bad fwend blv, dey not good fwend bcs dey wnt 2 myk decisions 4 u widout respecting yours, I had fwendz like dat bt decided 2 withdraw from dem they go out every weekend and party like animals, we all in the same varsity one of them was my flat mate dey forced m 2 *** wid them 2 parties even on weekdaes if I deny dey'l b angry at m n tel m dat m a bad person one of the worse thing is even if I fil lyk going out wid dem I refused bcs if I do they force me to drink alcolohol and smoke dagga, I then decided 2 change fwends. I was like a fool around da campus walking alone at all times ppl felt sori for m after 2 months dey came back and ask for 4gvness tellng m dat dey sori and that they can't afford 2 luz m, told dem it fyn m ova it bt we cnt be close anymore so becarefull don't let them rule u, it ur life and the choice is yours! Gudluck

[wisconsin17]

Thanks to all for the feedback.  Specialmom - my draw to them is that they are good people are we have so much history together.  We have so many laughs when we are together, they are truly warm and they care about me, but I think sometimes they just get a little crazy.  Sometimes I fear that I am a phony for feeling such different ways about them depending on the situation.

[specialmom]

Hi.  Well, I think it is very adult and proper to set boundaries for yourself.  Many have trouble doing that and grow resentful for all of the things they do that they don't really want to.  So, I think it is right to pick and choose what you do with your time.

What is your draw to these friends, by the way?  I find it interesting that you say your friend's neighborhood is unsafe and yet she lives there.  Must be safe enough for her, right?  Maybe this is your anxiety playing a role and I think that making sure any mental health challenges you have is treated will help you overall.  

We do at times grow away from people.  Life changes, we change.  It is okay to admit that an old friend doesn't have the same appeal as they used to and to drift a bit.  I wouldn't feel guilty about it.  If it happens with everyone, that is a problem.  But losing closeness with those we once had a strong bond to can happen just as all relationships can peter out.  

If you don't want to party with your single friends and want neutral territory, invite them to lunch or something like that instead.  good luck

[RainLover71]

You're not a bad friend at all.You have the right to say no to a social event/party and that's always your choise.Don't ever feel bad about it.And if a particular neighborhood makes you feel uncomfortable then don't go,that simple.If your anxiety won't allow you to travel then let them visit you.It's your life remember.All the best.

[lucknlove1989]

you are definitely not a bad friend! You guys are in 2 different stages of life right now...as your friends they should understand you are now married and there is nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with your husband and other married couples. If they want you to hangout with them so bas then make a girls night to go out for drinks or dinner...I feel for you. Plenty of my friends are young and single, I on the other hand am 22 and married.
Good Luck!!!