Feeling left out please help :-(

[HaveFaith4Me]

I've been dating my boyfriend for a year an 6 months now. I'm much younger than he is but he deff doesn't look older or act it. He has never been married or had children. He's lived beside his mom for over 20 years. Basically lives with her, his house is pretty much just a place for him to sleep at night. His mom lives alone because step dad passed away 10 years ago. Since i moved in with him I've struggled to feel needed I feel like 3rd wheel. She does everything for him I can't even cook for him because we have to go up to her house to eat because she fixes dinner. I feel like a bum not being able to take care of my man. Recently he was diagnosed with cirrhosis and hep c. He's been going to the doctor and has started treatment and I feel left out because his mom and sister are the only ones who get to go with him to the appts. So a few weeks ago their testing to see if a spot on his liver is cancererous and while that's going on I'm at work worried sick crying. I just don't think it's fair that I'm not allowed to go. If he plans on marrying me I should be his go to girl not mom or sister. Please help I really do love him just don't know what to do :-(

[tynkrbel]

Something You said a couple of posts back really "grabs" at me:

"My Dad was a "bad" alcoholic"

and THEN You said "He (boyfriend) got hepititis C from a "blood transfusion which then led to cirrhosis of the liver" and You said, "I'M SURE THE ALCOHOL DIDN'T HELP EITHER"

These statements "BEG" to be addressed!!  

OFTEN we "seek " relationships that we are "comfortable" with, and we "repeat" patterns of our childhoods.   In the sense that we learn (in our childhoods) how to function in DYSfunctional relationships.   We "know" how to function admist of the chaos!! AND we "think",  we "hope" we can "repair" what we were UNABLE to repair in our childhoods........and the beat goes on.........

This much I know is true:  When one of our Parents is an alcholic, we often end up marrying an alcoholic.  Again, we "know" how to "fuction" in a "dysfunctional" relationship.  We need to break these patterns.

[Kayannaboo]

Ugh! You are in a rough situation. It's called the "family/girlfriend" games, you are competing with the mother and the sister. They have been his support for a long time (sadly this shows immaturity on your guy's part), and so they believe they know what's best. You are new and you are not apart of their "circle" (ridiculous -- I know). If I were you, I would forfeit the games! Its stupid, he's 43 not 23! He is a grown *** man, not a child, you should not have to play the "mommy stand off". You should be the one taking him to the doctor and cooking his food, that's a no brainer. I am not saying that he should disregard his family for you, but he should be treating you like his partner, not his 3rd cousin!

Have you spoken to him about this? Perhaps you could try telling him how much you are affected by this. If it doesn't change, I wouldn't encourage you to stay. You are sooooo young, there are endless possibilities out there for you, you honestly do not need to be caught up in the "Maury" drama. You need someone you can start a life with, this man sounds like his life is with his mom and that is not cute. Visualize what the wedding plans or matters regarding kids, should you two have any. Would his mother and sister have all the say so? He sounds like he would let them.

Take care!


Anna

[HaveFaith4Me]

Thanks for the advice all.

[Londres70]

Agree with Tink and Shell....we just think you have way BETTER options out there as a young woman.  Don't settle for some "nonsense."  

[shell921]

londres and tinkerbelle are right - this man is not going to change. most YOUNGER men do not change and your guy is 43! you may be mature for your age but you do not have enough wisdom and life experience to know you are getting into an impossible situation. most women who get with men 20 years older are looking for father figures. if you did not have a decent father maybe you are trying to make this guy into a "father". but he sounds like a momma's boy! he's not good father material and he is SICK. liver diseases are very serious and often FATAL>! PLEASE start showing up for yourself and realize this is not a good deal for you. do not abandon yourself! you have your whole life ahead of you--do not saddle yourself with an older, sick man! what advice would you give a friend of yours if SHE were in your situation?

[TTinKKerBBell]

No one here thinks You are "crazy" (your word, not ours).  We just think You are very young and this isn't the making of a good future for You.  No matter how "mature" You think You are, no matter how immature He is - fact is, He was an ADULT and of "legal" age the day You were born!! That's big, that's really, really big!!  

AND
then there's the FACT that the dynamics of this family is not going to change.  Your only choices are to accept this for the way it is or realize this relationship is not for You.  You cannot and will not change them.  You only have power/control to change YourSelf, YOUR choices.  Love IS a CHOICE and love is not supposed to hurt.
Good luck with Your choice.

[Londres70]

Your statement....."She just wants him to stay 20 forever and always be under his wing and it's starting to look like he doesn't ever want to change that."  My response as I stated in an earlier post......he isn't going to change the situation dear.....if he wanted to he would have done this by now.  He likes things JUST like they are.  I don't see the age difference as the BIGGEST problem, however, I do see his situation as the BIGGEST problem, i.e. his mother's and his sister's over involvement, his illness, him acting like he is 20 still, etc.  

If you have a great bond with the sister and mother, then why are you being and feeling excluded?  Why not talk to them about how you are feeling?  Talking to them about this COULD backfire on you though if your bond with them is WEAKER than you thought.    

There are only two solutions.....STAY and deal with this or LEAVE and find someone without this situation going on.  

You already talked to him and nothing has been done.  

Yes, it is NOT easy walking away from a relationship when you still love someone, but you have to love yourself more and think you deserve what you want and need.  At this point you are just settling and HOPING all this will miraculously change and it WON'T.  

Be there done this........minus the illness part and age difference.

[HaveFaith4Me]

This is an example of what I'm talking about. I came home from work fixed dinner only to find that MOM already fixed it for him and where did he go? To moms. I actually have a very good relationship with his sister and especially his mom. She just wants him to stay 20 forever and always be under his wing and it's starting to look like he doesn't ever want to change that.

I'm more mature for my age always have been told I have an old soul. I don't like to party and that's what most my age like to do. My dad was a bad alcoholic so don't wanna go to drinking really.

He actually got hep c from a blood transfusion years and years ago which then led to cirrhosis and I'm sure the alcohol didn't help it either. I know you all think I'm crazy seeing as to how he's so much older but in the beginning it just clicked I had never felt that way with anyone. I had so muh fun with him. I know I love him I was in a relationship with another guy for 5 years and was even engaged and never felt the way I do with my boyfriend now. I'm just so torn on what to do, Im not good at goodbyes :-(

[shell921]

I think 22 is much too young to consider marriage. You need to mature and you will. People change so much between age 20 & age 30. Do not saddle yourself with a man 20 years older who is sick. Women outlive men and you are asking to be a young widow if you marry this guy.

[Londres70]

Yes, the issue of him being 43 and acting like he is 20 is very concerning....I would consider that a "red flag" as well as some other things you have posted.  

Will agree with Tink....you should make sure he is comfortable with you being at his appointments.  If you know he is.....then go.  

[Londres70]

Have you also tried to bond with his family; the mother and sister?  

I am not sure if this is just a lack of assertiveness on your part or his family is deliberately excluding you or both.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

I'm more concerned about You saying He is 43 but acts 20.
You might ask "Why is He so immature?"

I'm more concerned that this Man is 21 years older than You AND that He has cirrhosis of the liver AND that He has hepititas C.
You might ask "Has His lifestyle brought about these SERIOUS diseases?"

These are MAJOR health conditions!!  That being said, I understand that You just haven't been "invited" to go.  You might ask,  "May I go with you?"

[HaveFaith4Me]

Thanks for the advice. I'm very bad about not being assertive. I probably depend too much upon people's approval. This has been difficult for me because I don't want them thinking I'm trying to come between them because I'm not I just want to be involved also. Good idea on encouraging me to just drive myself.

[Londres70]

He is acting more like he is 20?  Mother and sister too involved?  Nothing changing in your favor?  I would recommend considering if the relationship is worth it; doesn't sound like it is.  

There is no need to ASK to go to the appts., just go.  Doesn't your bf tell you when he has to go?  Why not cook him something and tell him you want some "alone time" with him?

Have you tried to take some initiative to fit yourself in?  They're NOT going to ask you; that's apparent.  

He's 43.....hmmm...doubt he will change this.  

[brice1967]

I think you need to evaluate the whole situation and you have to be brutally honest.  No hiding anything, no sugar coating... take a real honest look at your relationship.

If you determine that the relationship is worth being in, get yourself involved with taking him to his dr. appointments.  Don't wait to be invited... in fact, you drive to the appointments.  If they wont ride with you, you can either show up on your own, or take that as a clear signal that they are, for one reason or another, leaving you out on purpose.

If you determine that they are leaving you out on purpose, YOU get to decide on how much longer you need to be involved there.

[HaveFaith4Me]

Thanks for replying. Like I said theres a big age gap in between us. I'm 22 he's 43. His mom an stepdad were also 20 years apart. He's acts more like a 20 year old tho which probably isn't so good.

No one has ever told me I can't go to dr appts they just never ask me to be a part of it and I live with them. They usually don't call until late in the day while I've been worrying an wondering all day. I've talked to him about it but he never says much jut says I will work on it but nothing changes. Just tired of feeling last to momma.

[Londres70]

How old are you two?  

Who is telling you that you can't go to your bf's doctor's appointments?  

Sounds like the mother and sister are too involved in his life, but it sounds like your bf is ok with all this.  

Have you talked with him about this?  

I wouldn't be considering marriage with this guy until this situation is resolved.  He has to be the one making boundaries with his mother and sister.....that's if he WANTS.    

I married a guy just like this and there was NO "happy" ending for me.  The result was me divorcing him.