Aa
advise would be nice
I've posted on here before about my relationship but I guess I just want some other opinions help and honest answers. I've been in a relationship for 4 years about and of course we've had our ups and downs blah blah. My mental health has been really hard on us the past 2 years but I finally found the right medication and am doing great, what I didn't realize was my relationship was a HUGE part of my anxiety and depression . He was mean to me a lot and has said and acted in really hurtful ways, I guess now that I'm better I see it. Now I just get really irritated by his mood swings which I never realized before. One day he's this great amazing loving funny happy understanding promising great person and then he says mean things controlling things hurtful things he's mean upset and rude down talks me treats me like crap makes sure I feel like crap gets me crying all upset and then back to mr nice guy. I love him I want to be with him and will work on anything or help him through anything he needs I told him I think therapy might be good for his mood and taking it all out on me. What do u guys think , I know its a problem just not sure how to approach it.
Yeah Manda,you have done the right thing I believe because you have to come first and we only live once and you want to be happy not fighting all the time.You need to be loved and respected and you will find someone who will provide that no doubt--All the best.
Thank you so much , I actually ended it tonight ill be going to stay at my grandmas and moving my things out tomorrow. I'm sad and upset but I think and I hope that ill be ok. I just want more for myself, someone who loved me for me and treats me with respect and love and I don't get that from him
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, if he says that he doesn't have a problem, tell him that you have a problem to the point that I'm not sure this relationship will last. I'm not willing to live with X,Y, and Z that you do. Be clear. Be confident and mean what you say. He either addresses it or he loses you.
Lots of luck sweetie. This is another step in taking care of yourself. You're doing great, I'm proud of you.
Lots of luck sweetie. This is another step in taking care of yourself. You're doing great, I'm proud of you.
Thankyou so much guys all your advise has really made me think things over, my concern is that when I talk to him about it he "DOESN'T think he has a PROBLEM" or he says he'll change , he's sorry, but does the same thing the next day . Which is a HUGE deal breaker for me, when people are mean and cruel and they don't even know it that's a big problem, and since he doesn't think he needs help, I guess I might just have to leave, I don't know what else to do.???
I too am so glad that you addressed your anxiety and depression, and thank God that the meds have helped you with this matter. I agree with the posters, that counselling is needed, and honesty. You will no longer allow another person to abuse your good nature. It's not right and it never will be right again. Perhaps without him you could get off of the medication you've been put on. I think that you have made enough sacrifices for his bad manners. Please keep us in the know, and how things are progressing for you~ you are not alone in this. Your condition does not allow for you to be involved with any negativity. There's no where else for you to go with this, other than in the other direction. I think that it would help if you had counselling immediately ~ to help you with reinforcement of your new expectations. Best wishes and God Bless. You are not alone.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. Well, first------ bravo to you for addressing your mental healht state and getting to a good place with that. SO many people need to do that and never do. You've taken those steps and that is fantastic!
And also it is great that you are seeing this relationship realistically. I know that you love him and perhaps the relationship can be saved. But what you need is a willing partner. This means you must sit him down and say "enough". Without being angry with him, tell him that you are now in a good place emotionally and see some things that you were brushing under the carpet before. And in order for this relationship to continue, these things must be addressed. Go through a scenario from your point of view in which he is okay, then switches gears to manipulate you, put you down and control you and then switches back to okay. Give him another scenario if he needs it. Tell him that you expect him to address this in whatever way he needs (a therapist for himself, couple's therapy or on his own) but it must get better or you don't see this relationship lasting long term. And you want it to last. So you hope that he will work on this problem he has with switching moods, being hurtful, and using you as his punching bag . . . and trying to control you.
That is the place to start dear. Lay it out. And understand within yourself that it IS emotionally healthy to have a boundary with someone. You can tell him that when you become rude, I'm walking away. Do not follow me as I am escaping your mood/words/etc. He can attempt to approach you when he is ready to treat you right/speak kindly/normally to you. But not until then. And follow through with that. He starts--- you quietly interrupt and say "you are raising your voice, using an angry tone, and starting to get rude. I'm taking a break now." And go for a walk, to another room, or get in your car and leave.
And, a final boundary is also to know in your head. No, it would be no way to live with a person that can not get over treating their signficant other this way. Give him a chance to work on it. BUT, we do date in order to know what we need to know about someone in order to move on to the next level. Sometimes it is not in our best interest to do so.
could he also have some anxiety issues?
And also it is great that you are seeing this relationship realistically. I know that you love him and perhaps the relationship can be saved. But what you need is a willing partner. This means you must sit him down and say "enough". Without being angry with him, tell him that you are now in a good place emotionally and see some things that you were brushing under the carpet before. And in order for this relationship to continue, these things must be addressed. Go through a scenario from your point of view in which he is okay, then switches gears to manipulate you, put you down and control you and then switches back to okay. Give him another scenario if he needs it. Tell him that you expect him to address this in whatever way he needs (a therapist for himself, couple's therapy or on his own) but it must get better or you don't see this relationship lasting long term. And you want it to last. So you hope that he will work on this problem he has with switching moods, being hurtful, and using you as his punching bag . . . and trying to control you.
That is the place to start dear. Lay it out. And understand within yourself that it IS emotionally healthy to have a boundary with someone. You can tell him that when you become rude, I'm walking away. Do not follow me as I am escaping your mood/words/etc. He can attempt to approach you when he is ready to treat you right/speak kindly/normally to you. But not until then. And follow through with that. He starts--- you quietly interrupt and say "you are raising your voice, using an angry tone, and starting to get rude. I'm taking a break now." And go for a walk, to another room, or get in your car and leave.
And, a final boundary is also to know in your head. No, it would be no way to live with a person that can not get over treating their signficant other this way. Give him a chance to work on it. BUT, we do date in order to know what we need to know about someone in order to move on to the next level. Sometimes it is not in our best interest to do so.
could he also have some anxiety issues?
Hi manda. It's kind of hard to determine whether your BF is just moody and tempermental, or whether he's abusive to you. Sounds like a pretty close call. If he's abusive, even if just emotionally, that's a whole other ballgame.
It's great that you're feeling better and are able to regonize how his behavior is affecting you and the relationship. People with anxiety and depression will stay stuck in an abusive relationship because they feel vulnerable and don't want to be alone. I'm not saying that is the case with you, but it is something to think about for sure.
If you can talk him into both couples' therapy and individual therapy for you both...that's a start. If you feel he's being abusive, I'm not sure therapy is going to be enough, nor should it be.
Best of luck, hon.
It's great that you're feeling better and are able to regonize how his behavior is affecting you and the relationship. People with anxiety and depression will stay stuck in an abusive relationship because they feel vulnerable and don't want to be alone. I'm not saying that is the case with you, but it is something to think about for sure.
If you can talk him into both couples' therapy and individual therapy for you both...that's a start. If you feel he's being abusive, I'm not sure therapy is going to be enough, nor should it be.
Best of luck, hon.
You both should seek relationship therapy Manda,it's the only way this situation will be resolved,I'm glad you have found the right meds.This relationship can work but you need to speak with a therapist that can help you.All the best.
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